Last, but not least (or as I should say usually last, but never least) was Pricilla and the experiment that she needed the absolute most: Hell Nah/Fuck Yeah. As someone whose greatest fear is making others uncomfortable, this experiment was perfect for her to prove to herself that she could be bold—hell, maybe even wrong—and still be liked.
EXPERIMENT FIVE
* * *
Hell Nah/Fuck Yeah
QUESTION
How do you prevent yourself from coming across as too safe or too contrary on dates?
HYPOTHESIS
If someone is disagreeable followed by agreeable in perfect balance, then their date will believe they’ve won them over, thus creating a stronger attraction.
RESEARCH
Psychologists found that if you go on a date with someone and agree with everything they say, they will see you as uninteresting and inauthentic. On the flip side, if you disagree with everything someone says, you are deemed unpleasant to be around. So researchers found there needs to be a perfect balance of going with the flow and against the grain. In this experiment the dater will disagree with everything their date says for the first half of the encounter, then agree with everything for the second half. Studies show, this particular formula will make the target most fond of the researcher because the target will be on a high from feeling like they had to won the researcher over.5
APPARATUS
On a twenty-minute date set your phone timer to ten minutes. For the first ten disagree with everything the person says, then once your alarm goes off switch to agreeing with everything the person says.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Pay attention to the person’s body language during the first versus the last ten minutes. Do they begin to mirror you once you are agreeing? Does their attitude shift toward the end of the date? Do they want a second date?
* * *
I set Pricilla up on a date with my good friend Rome Green Jr. from the popular YouTube channel Dormtainment. Rome is successful, mega-handsome and family oriented, which made him a high-interest playmate for Pricilla. I know I suggested low-interest playmates for this phase, but I had to find a volunteer in the 11th hour because Pricilla’s first attempt at this was unsuccessful. For that date, she never called me for coaching prior but reported back that she wasn’t able to execute the experiment because her date wouldn’t stop talking. Her inability to take control of the conversation in practice was more reason she had to get back in there and try again.
I walked Pricilla through the official instructions:
As soon as Rome arrived, she needed to set her timer for ten minutes then disagree with everything, no matter what he said during that time.
Once the timer ran out, she needed to set it for a second ten minutes then agree with everything he said.
After that, she could end the date or stay to practice other flirting and seducing techniques.
“Got it!” said Pricilla, keeping it short as usual.
A couple hours later Pricilla phoned me back, this time with a lot more to say. “I can’t believe I actually did that!”
“So, I’m assuming it went pretty well because the twenty-minute mark was a long time ago.”
“We had a blast,” she said.
When they first got to the restaurant there was a massive lineup at the place, so she started the timer before they were seated. She made sure to keep her body language closed off by crossing her arms and pointing her feet straight ahead as they sat side by side. When she asked Rome why he had agreed to go on this blind date, he responded that he loved meeting new people.
She shot back, “I hate meeting new people.”
She asked him about himself: what he did, where he lived and where he was from. He straightened up when answering the last question and revealed that he was born in Germany. In fact, he had dual citizenship and spoke some of the language, which he then demonstrated.
Pricilla replied, “I really don’t like the German language. It’s ugly.”
Pricilla laughed when recounting that part and said that he seemed shocked when she said it, in truth she had shocked herself on that one. The rest of the ten minutes pretty much followed that same pattern: He said he likes to experiment with his hair, she hated guys who experimented with hair. He said he travels to the East Coast a lot for work, she hated the East Coast. Then the alarm went off and like clockwork, Pricilla opened her body up then commenced with the agreement portion of the date. From there they spoke about everything from travel to marriage. Pricilla found that they had a lot in common, and once the second timer went off, she was in no rush to leave.
“All right, so it went well and you did great. Do you feel a little crazy now for making this into such a big deal?”
“I know, it’s just that I don’t like making people feel awkward, so it was really scary for me to think about an entire date of disagreeing with someone. I just don’t want to make anyone feel like crap, so I’d rather just say what I need to, to make the time go easy. But honestly this was such great practice because I thought it would make someone so uncomfortable, but in the end, it was the exact opposite.”
I asked Pricilla what surprised her the most about the experience and she said she was most amazed by how easy it was to get into her relaxed, funny self. Being a little aggressive gave more space for her sarcasm to come out and play. Before the date she described herself as super-nervous but once Rome arrived, something switched, and she went into mission mode.
“Who would you recommend this experiment for?”
She laughed, knowing that this question was a setup. “I would recommend this experiment to someone like me—someone who is so agreeable and afraid that conflict will hurt way more than it could help. But a lil conflict keeps things interesting and it keeps everyone’s ego in check.”
Not that I didn’t believe Pricilla, but since I knew Rome, I thought it would be stupid of me not to confirm. I texted him that evening to ask how his first blind date went.
It wasn’t bad at all. Like we immediately started talking about life and everything. She warmed up after a bit and it was on and popping from there.
I literally laughed out loud. Rome had just explained the experiment in layman’s terms. Best of all, the next day I got a random text from Pricilla that confirmed its and her success:
Rome wants to go on a road trip to San Francisco with me next month so I’m gonna assume he had a good time with me.
Conclusion
Disagreeing with someone then agreeing works because it makes the person feel like they have won you over. This technique also makes it clear, you have an opinion that you’re not afraid to voice. I don’t believe this formula should be followed to a T, timer and all, but we should be mindful that while great minds think alike, opposing minds can think bigger. There’s a reason why there are no movies or books about people who look, act and think the same—variety is the spice of life. So don’t be scared to put a little hot sauce on your next date.
And just like that, Phase Four was over. If you’re great at math, then you’ve probably recognized that there was only one phase left. Their final assignment was to find a high-interest playmate to go on a first date with and secure a second. Sounds simple enough, but if you really think about it, this is the step that most people spend their lifetime struggling with. Of course, the group had an edge having made ample progress through phases one to four. But finding a high-interest candidate also has an element of luck to it that no one, except Deshawn and Pricilla, had been blessed with. However, Pricilla’s guy was back on tour and Deshawn couldn’t exactly meet London Alex halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on Jet Skis. Meaning, they were in the same position as Maya who had zero leads, Courtney who seemingly couldn’t get a second date to save her life and Stephanie who confessed to me that this was the driest her love life had been since she was a virgin.
I realized that this program was on the brink of mediocrity. This made me frantic. I didn’t want to make concessions an
d hand out green ribbons; I didn’t want a Well, that’s nice for them ending; and most of all I didn’t want it to be all too easy for them to slip back into their old, worn-in selves because evidently there wasn’t anyone worth pursuing. Especially since I knew that it didn’t have to end that way. If the group just dug deep and poured over everything that we covered, they would stumble upon their feast, finish the program and win the game of desire with enough energy to play again. But, I also recognized that as their coach it wasn’t my place to lace up and fight through the fourth quarter with them. They would never fully appreciate what we’d done if they couldn’t prove that they could do it themselves.
Phase Five: Be
Be the person you’ve always wanted to be in the company of people who excite you. Apply what you’ve learned and enjoy your exceptional transformation. Revisit the other four phases periodically because this work is never truly done.
12
A Game of Her Own
Phase Five began with a bang.
Matt Barnes finally wrote back and agreed to meet the women in the group. A couple of weeks earlier (after Pricilla mentioned for what seemed like the tenth time that he was her ideal type) I went ahead and slid into his DMs. It was a long shot, but I told him the straight-up truth: I was working on a project to help women fall in love with their love lives. We had enlisted the help of several experts and I believed he’d be a great addition to teach them how to attract high-profile men. He wrote back to say he loved the idea and agreed to participate. I offered a phone call or Google Hangout, but he believed it best to do a workshop in person. Of course, I could not agree more.
As soon as we set a date, I raced to break the news to Pricilla. But when I did, she broke news of her own to me: “Actually, I got up the courage to DM him about a week ago, and he responded. We were even going back and forth for a bit.”
I was mortified. This was something we battled frequently when we all went out because strangers that we chose to get friendly with, would glance at our eclectic crew and ask the obvious: so how do you all know each other? We’d exchange a series of panicked looks before someone blurted out: Uh, school!
“Why didn’t you tell me! Do you want me to call it off so that he won’t know you’re a part of this project?”
“No,” she said confidently. “I want him to know that I’m single and actively looking to change that.”
That was bossy and I loved it!
When the day arrived Pricilla, Courtney, Stephanie, Deshawn and I convened in the front of Lakeside Cafe. Maya, again, was out of town visiting her parents. Before we entered, I turned toward the group, even though I was really only speaking to Pricilla. “Tonight is a bonus, so I’d rather not talk much. I’d rather you all lead and get from it what you want.”
As we approached the table, Matt stood to greet us and as the cliché goes, he was taller than you’d expect. How tall? In another life, his T-shirt could have been a grown-ass woman’s funeral dress. I took the seat beside him and hoped that Pricilla would scoot to fill the other vacancy, but instead she chose the chair farthest away. Great.
The goal of the evening was murky for us all, which became evident as soon as Matt launched into his very candid, very unfiltered intro speech. To say the absolute least (because there’s zero value in me sharing most of what he said) Mr. Barnes was far from private. I was shocked that even though he knew the conversation was being recorded, he spoke as if we were a group of fellow inmates on death row with nothing to salvage or save face for. Perhaps he just wanted to give everyone a stark look at the underside of love, which I assumed Courtney picked up on too.
“What is the realest lesson you’ve learned the hard way about relationships?” she asked.
“That there are actual evil people in this world, my ex-wife being one of them . . .”
About thirty minutes into that story, I was ready to call the night, but then quickly realized I had been focused on what Matt was saying rather than how Pricilla was responding. When I switched channels, I saw a clear-as-day picture of a woman who was absolutely crushing it! Pricilla was taking every opportunity to relate, joke, tease and mind-fuck like a pro. Also, upon further inspection, she had not chosen the farthest seat, she’d hoisted herself into the most visible one, directly in his line of sight. I tilted my head to see her from his vantage and noticed how her burgundy top perfectly played up her hazel eyes. She smiled and leaned forward until the candles lit her up like Mona Lisa at the Louvre.
“The best lesson I’ve learned about love, though, is that you can have as much or as little of it as you like,” continued Matt. “I say this to my women friends all the time: don’t be afraid to go for what you want because you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”
Pricilla heard the message loud and clear: her body was poised in an S shape so crisp she was serving up Z vibes, she had been smiling so much that I was certain her cheeks would remind her tomorrow and, most incredible of all, she took every opportunity imaginable to brag about her son.
“I think the best lessons on love come from our children,” she shared. “Having him and raising him and looking at every part of his character, knowing that I instilled that in him as a single mom, reminds me that I am who I am because of him and he is who he is, because of me. I love him so much and that truly serves as evidence of the good in me, that I too often forget about.”
That night, Pricilla found then flourished in her triple-threat game: she was smoking hot, take-it-or-leave-it funny and maternal as fuck!
At one point Matt even remarked, “It seems like everyone keeps looking to you, Pricilla, to take the lead.”
But in reality, we were just in awe that she finally was.
Matt graciously paid for the dinner (and later followed everyone on social media), which he did not have to do. Granted, his personal life was a bit of a train wreck, but he was an insanely kind man with a great heart and an even better sense of humor. Based on how quickly Deshawn, Courtney and Stephanie got up to leave, I’d say that in spite of his sweet side they too were over the crazy ex-wife tales. But Pricilla still had stamina and better than that, she had a strategy. When Matt went to the bathroom before he left, Pricilla remembered that she had to go too.
The rest is what literal dreams (or at least Pricilla’s dreams) are made of. They exchanged numbers, and then Matt made the connection that they’d already spoken via DMs. He apologized for not immediately recognizing her, then invited Pricilla over to play pool to make up for his bad manners . . .
Even though securing high-interest playmates is what this program is all about, I must admit I was ridiculously shocked at Pricilla’s manifested success. When I asked for this meetup it was in hopes that she could gain the confidence to start looking for her ideal, and possibly to get a slice of what it would be like to entertain a high-interest playmate. Not once did it cross my mind that she’d leave with the whole damn cake.
Pricilla more than completed the final assignment. She secured several follow-up dates with Matt and the absolute badass sureness that for her, this was only scratching the surface of her potential. Was he her optimal long-term match? Probably not, but she had finally found the courage to jump into the driver’s seat of her love life and it paid off.
To prove it, the good news just kept coming. A few weeks later, she also informed me that she’d gotten a new job:
These last few months have been truly eye opening for me! I am proud to say I charmed my way into a job that’s in my field but completely foreign to me experience wise. This position is going to require me to step out of the background and step into owning my expertise to build a new department from scratch. My new boss is literally centering the entire part of the practice around . . . ME. This would have terrified me in the past but with my newfound ability to connect with people, I’m not going to count myself out this time. And in general, I stop myself every time I catch myself wanting to fade into the background because I remind myself that I am ca
pable, and I’ve proved that.
MEANWHILE, DESHAWN ALSO MESSAGED ME TO START THE CONVERSATION that I had been waiting for:
“I don’t know how to do this assignment, because the only person I want to be with and see is someone who lives on the other side of the world. I’m swiping and smiling and all of that, but my heart just isn’t in it.”
Deshawn and London Alex had FaceTimed every single day since she got back. Over the month since their last meetup, their conversations had taken them places that people they saw daily had never been. It left her feeling hopeful, alive, desired but defeated.
“So why can’t you go to London to see if you really have something?”
“I can’t,” she retorted defensively. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can get the time off work and I don’t know . . . if he’d even want me to.”
“So ask.”
Nothing is more haunting than blank pages. I told Deshawn that this trip wasn’t even about furthering their relationship, it was a necessary act to understand it. Speaking from experience, once you finally understand your connection with someone, getting on with it or getting over it, is leagues easier. In other words, Deshawn would not be able to focus on finding local love if her mind kept wandering off with her foreign prince.
“You have to go to London, find that curtain and yank to see what’s really behind it!”
Ahead of Deshawn’s big trip I wanted to get her a lil something. She had new hair, new swag, new confidence, a new man in her life. But there was one last thing I still felt she needed for her transformation to be complete: a new bra. As per Talya’s advice, having the wrong size bra can throw off someone’s look and posture. Plus, if London Alex was so lucky to get lucky, I wanted her to feel her best! I also invited Stephanie along for the shopping trip, honestly, as a last-ditch effort. I had seen tremendous amounts of change in the others and while Stephanie had made some improvements, they were marginal at best. I hoped that getting her a new outfit that suited the woman she was destined to become would give her the kick in the ass that apparently, all the other work we’d done had not.
The Game of Desire Page 23
