Nick and Jake
Page 10
EMBASSY
Hotel de l’Odeon
Paris
April 22, 1953
Dear Jake,
Have fun in Copenhagen. What the hell are you doing in Copenhagen?
I flipped a coin with Buchwald. He lost, so he goes first on babysitting your column. He tells me he plans to do an exposé of the New York Yankees. He claims they have a deal with the Devil, and he has the papers to prove it. I intend to follow up with a column on the scandal of escargot farming in the Parisian sewers. Little girls on leashes forced to sniff them out, fed only on martinis. The little girls, not the escargots. Or maybe both. I’m still investigating.
Yours in journalistic solidarity and abject terror,
Nick
PS. Tell me something. You’re a man of the world, or so I’ve heard--mostly from you, as I recall. I probably couldn’t have asked you this in person, but I’m sitting here in this ridiculous French bathtub with my knees tucked up under my chin holding the sorry remains of a bottle of aquavit, and I’m thinking about something Margery said to me more than once. She said I could never make a woman happy because of the way I was built. You know, the old tool of manhood department. How about it, Jake? Is size really the measure of a man?
Give my regards to Hans Christian Andersen.
Teheran, April 23
Alden--
Can’t meet you in person. I’m laying low. I’ve arranged for you to meet with Dr. Mossadegh. Your diplomatic standing is all set. Tell Mossy that as a representative of the American people you’re concerned about American families who are being harassed. Tell him that innocent children are answering the family phone and being subjected to unspeakable threats and vile language. Tell him that you’re appealing to his sense of decency and fair play to do something about it. Be yourself, kid. You have that American openness that he likes.
Larry
Hotel D’Angleterre
KONGENS NYTORV 34
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK
April 23, 1953
Dear Christine,
Get a load of the enclosed PS from Nick. Is he trying to drive me CRAZY????
I’ve given the okay to Hamburger. The Stein Ericksen of sex surgery set to schuss tomorrow morning at 10. I’ll be damned glad when this thing is over. Worst case, I guess, is no worse than it’s been the last 30 years or so. Best case--what the hell is the best case, anyway?
Did you know that the Bible has a special section for people like me? It’s Deuteronomy 23:1. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.
Well, that tells you something, doesn’t it? The way I look at it, and I say this with the full piety of someone who’s never left the Church, technically speaking, it tells me that the Kingdom of God, at least for a man, is a woman’s cunt. There’s probably no equivalent for women, which is maybe why women tend to me more devout than men. They have no Kingdom of God on earth to distract them.
Here’s a question for you, my love. Now that you’re a woman, do you think about sex less often than you did when you were a man? I’m being serious. Nick’s a man, so he’s got to think about it most of the time. By Christ, he talks about that damned cock of his all the time, or at least whenever he’s tight. Jesus, I never saw a man so bloody insecure! But his gangster novel wasn’t written with his cock. I wonder what his next book would have been like, if he’d written it. Says he’s writing again now. Maybe he’s ready.
As Mehitabel says, toujours gai, kid, toujours gai. All’s for the best in this best of all passable worlds.
Your old Bear,
Jake Teheran, April 23
Larry--
I’ll do it. And I appreciate the confidence you’ve shown in me. Mossadegh is no fanatic, I’m sure he’ll listen. And I’ll emphasize that America has no intention of interfering in the internal affairs of a friendly country.
I won’t let you down.
Alden
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/23)
FROM: IRVING KRISTOL
TO: KIM PHILBY
MI5 WILL NEED TO COORDINATE WITH US ON THIS, SO BE PREPARED. AFTER IRAN, THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT IS GOING DOWN, AND WE’RE GETTING OUR DUCKS IN A ROW IN INDO-CHINA. YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL CODE NAMES ON FILE. IF WE PLAN IT RIGHT, THE REDS WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT THEM. THE COMMUNIST STATES WILL FALL LIKE DOMINOES, ALL THE WAY TO CHINA.
KRISTOL
American Embassy
Teheran
April 24
Dearest Brett,
I’ve just had the most remarkable day of my life. I met for over an hour with Dr. Mohammed Mossadegh, one on one. What an amazing man!
Dr. Mossadegh was grave but gracious. I explained to him that I was there not only as an American diplomat but as a humanitarian, and he greeted me in the name of humanitarianism everywhere. He added, however, that since I was an American diplomat, he felt it incumbent upon himself to express his displeasure at the American government’s stated position of recognizing the Shah as the leader of his country, when the Shah was now nothing more than a fleeing criminal, the leader of a failed coup. I told him that I didn’t know anything about that, but that America has always stood with the poor and downtrodden of this earth.
Then I got to the heart of my mission, the harassment of American citizens in Tehran. They get threatening phone calls, often delivered to innocent children in language to which children should not be exposed.
They are harassed on the street when going about their business--even nannies pushing strollers. Their automobiles are vandalized --headlights smashed in, tires slashed, upholstery ripped out. I appealed to him as a man of decency to do something about this situation.
He didn’t say anything at first. Just looked at me. There was sadness in his eyes, and something more that I couldn’t identify. I just got the feeling he had seen more, and felt more, and thought about more in his lifetime than I can ever imagine.
He sat quietly for a few moments longer, and I almost thought he had forgotten I was there. And maybe he had. Suddenly he stood up without looking at me, walked to a telephone in the corner of the room, and dialed the chief of police.
His voice was heavy. “I cannot countenance what is happening to visitors to our country,” he said. “Ours is a culture of courtesy. We must put an instant and complete stop to all rioting in the streets. Thank you.”
Brett, Larry was right. He understood Mossadegh perfectly. The man is a responsible leader. I believe Iran is in good hands.
Love,
Alden
PS. Larry says he has another assignment for me. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s in Indo-China. I can’t tell you how it feels to be finally involved in a meaningful way in doing some good in the world.
PPS. For reasons of security, and for more personal reasons, I will be dropping my surname and from now on using my middle name, which is Pyle.
Kempinksi Hotel
Berlin
April 25, 1953
Dearest Jake,
Do I think less about sex? Oh, much less! I don’t know how you men ever get anything done!
You know, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been interested in what makes someone one sex or another, and it’s not always as easy as you’d think.
Have you ever heard of the slipper limpet? You’ve seen them, even if you haven’t heard the name---they’re little shellfish, and you see them in clusters at docks, like mussels, one on top of the other.
They’re always one on top of the other, with the girls underneath. Mmm, I like that. The girls are also always a lot bigger, which is a lot more common in nature than you’d think. (So is losing your male equipment, for that matter--with some spiders, after the male is through servicing the female, it breaks off inside her.) The pile goes from big mamas on the bottom to little males on top. But the little guys on top are persistent. They don’t call this species Crepidula fornicata for nothing. They’ll extend their little wee-wees down four, fiv
e, six shells, as many as it takes, till they find a female. So you’d think the guys in the middle would be having the most fun-the lowest male and the highest female. But it doesn’t work that way. You see, the big mamas on the bottom weren’t always big mamas. Once, they were little males ... and as they grew bigger, they also changed sex. So the ones in the middle ... they really are in the middle. Not boys still, not girls yet.
I guess all my life, I’ve felt like a crepidula, mostly without the fornicata. But like that gender-jumbled fellow in the middle, and like that poor drill sergeant at Fort Dix, it means a lot to me to be held properly, by someone who’ll give me strength and nurturing, erotic tenderness, and more than anything else, the sureness that it’s me he’s holding.
I never felt more completely like that than I did with you. And let me tell you this, you old bear, you’re all man--and you always have been. You’re no crepidula. And whether or not this operation succeeds (and it will--Dr. H is a genius!), you’ll never have to send your wee-wee out probing around corners and under shells. Any woman who truly loves men will be coming to you, if you let them.
We’ll have our time together, I know that. Maybe not a long time. I can see where your destiny is heading, even though you can’t, yet. And I’m destined to be Christine Jorgensen, with all the good and bad that it will come to mean, for the rest of my life. But I’ll always love you.
Good luck, darling! Break a--well, I’m not sure what. Anyway, I guess by now the deed is done! I can’t wait to see you. All of you!
Love, Christine
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/25)
FROM: ALLEN DULLES
TO: IRVING KRISTOL
WHAT’S GOING ON IN IRAN? MOSSADEGH IS TAKING THE WEAPONS OUT OF THE HANDS OF HIS OWN FOLLOWERS.
DULLES
Special to the
New York Herald Tribune
April 25, 1953
EXTREMIST RIOTERS IN TEHERAN FOUGHT BY POLICE AND ARMY
TEHERAN --Policemen and soldiers, said to be acting under orders from Premier Mohammed Mossadegh, swung into action tonight against rioting Communist partisans and Nationalist extremists. The troops appeared to be in a frenzy as they smashed into the rioters with clubbed rifles and nightsticks, and hurled tear gas bombs.
According to sources inside the Mossadegh government, an unidentified representative of an American peace group had called on Premier Mossadegh earlier in the day “for the purpose of discussing recent developments in Iran.” No further information was available about the meeting.
Special to the
New York Herald Tribune
April 26, 1953
ARMY SEIZES HELMROYALISTS IN IRAN OUST MOSSADEGH
Ex-Premier and Cabinet Flee Mobs
TEHERAN--In a swift and bloody coup, Iranians loyal to Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi today swept Premier Mohammed Mossadegh from power. Two hundred were estimated to have died in the fierce last-stand battle at Dr. Mossadegh’s heavily fortified home.
The Army, which appeared solidly loyal to Dr. Mossadegh earlier in the week, turned on its top officers today. Dr. Mossadegh’s Chief of Staff and other top officers fled long before the day was over.
The troops and the police that took part in the overthrow were led by huge mobs shouting for the return of the Shah.
4/26/53
FROM: JAKE BARNES
ROYAL HOSPITAL, COPENHAGEN
TO: MLLE CHRISTINE JORGENSEN
KEMPINSKI HOTEL,
BERLIN
ECCE HOMO
JAKE
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/26)
FROM: ALLEN DULLES
TO: ROBERT COHN
NO PLANS FOR COUP IN FRANCE. ELBA IS DEAD. TELL NEPHEW TO BACK OFF. REPEAT, ELBA DEAD. BACK OFF.
DULLES
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/26)
FROM: ROBERT COHN
TO: IRVING KRISTOL
HEY, WHAT’S WITH ALLIE? HE GETTING COLD FEET?
ROBBIE
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/26)
FROM: IRVING KRISTOL
TO: ROBERT COHN
COHN, YOU IDIOT, THIS IS SERIOUS. THE COUP IN IRAN VERY NEARLY BACKFIRED. WE CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE CHANCES.
KRISTOL
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/26)
FROM: ROBERT COHN
TO: ALLEN DULLES
ALLIE--DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
ROBBIE
Hotel George V
31 Avenue George V
Paris 8eme
France
April 26
Christine baby--
I love Paris! I luv luv luv wuv wuv wuv Paris! “Daddy” says it’s decadent and full of Reds, and they all hate us over here. But I’ve found some places where they think Americans are just the cat’s pajamas. Have you ever been to a club called the Chez Miao Miao? I bet you have, you devil! And guess who took me there? None other than Maurice Chevalier!
So did you hear the news? “Daddy” made a citizen’s arrest today! He’s been acting all strange and sulky and I thought maybe he was mad because I’ve been spending so much time with Maurice, but it turns out he was hatching this really ballsy whopper of a supprise!
So you know that guy Kerraway who was at your table the other night at that stupid jazz club? You may not know it, but he was a witness in front of Sen. McCarthy’s committy. Well, it turns out he really is a Red! It turns out he wrote a book a long time ago, called “Something-or-other with Egg,” that the Commies have put in every library we looked at in every American embassy in Europe.
So--today “Daddy” marched right up to this cafay where Kerraway was sitting with his pal the Commie French writer Albert Camoo, and he arrested him!!!! Talk about gonads, “Daddy” may be a little guy, but he’s got balls the size of coco nuts!!!!!!
Well it caused a ruckus, I can tell you. There must have been about fifty reporters and photografers, and they were all yelling stuff and popping flashbulbs and carrying on, the jerks! “Daddy” called over a frog policeman and demanded that he take these guys to jail, but the stupid cop didn’t even speak English! But finally “Daddy” must have got through to him, because suddenly we were all headed down to the police station. That was when the gooey stuff started to hit the fan, if you know what I mean. Those froggy policemen, they call them John-darns, it turns out they’re all Commies (no bull). They were shouting at “Daddy” (in French! arrigant sonsabitches!) and carrying on, and he told them he was going to call the Marines to come in and declare Marshall Law which he can do. And I told them I was going to call Maurice Chevalier, which I can do, but “Daddy” gave me such a look!
And then they called the American Embassy who sent down someone called the Charge Guy of Fairies, who got Sen. McCarthy (!) on the phone in Washington, and finally they let Kerraway go under his own something or other, but all his books are being consecrated from the libraries and he has a suppena!
Anyway I have to run. Maurice is picking me up later to take me to the Follies Bergeres while “Daddy” is at meeting at the embassy. I’m running out of money so I “lifted” some from “Daddy’s” wallet, don’t tell!
Love and kisses,
Davey
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/27)
FROM: ALLEN DULLES
TO: ROBERT COHN
WHAT’S YOUR NEPHEW DOING? HAS HE GONE CRAzY?
DULLES
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/27)
FROM: ALLEN DULLES
TO: NICHOLAS CARRAWAY
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO? A CITIZEN’S ARREST? WERE YOU IN ON THIS? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CLEAR ALL PLANS WITH ME BEFORE YOU PUT THEM INTO ACTION. THE FRENCH ARE GOING NUTS! AND HOW THE HELL IS COHN PLANNING TO DECLARE MARTIAL LAW IN FRANCE? STAND BY FOR INSTRUCTIONS. FROM HERE ON, CRUCIAL TO DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.
DULLES
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/27)
FROM: ALLEN DULLES
TO: ROY COHN
DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ELBA? OPERATION CANCELED--DIDN’T YOU GET MEMO? YOU’RE EITHER INSUBORDINATE OR INSANE! WE NEVER HEARD OF YOU. LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
DULLES
(ENCRYPTED AND DECODED)
(4/27)
FROM: NICHOLAS CARRAWAY
TO: ALLEN DULLES
OF COURSE I WASN’T IN ON IT. IT WAS THAT IDIOT COHN. I HAVE NO HANDLE ON THE SITUATION. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT IS MAD AS HORNETS, AND THE EMBASSY HERE IS WORKING LIKE HERCULES TO CLEAN UP COHN’S MESS. I HAVE TO TELL YOU, ALLEN, THINGS LOOK VERY DIFFERENT FROM HERE THAN THEY DID BACK IN WASHINGTON. LOOKING AT AMERICA AND AMERICANS FROM A PERSPECTIVE OF NEARLY 4,000 MILES IS NOT UNLIKE THE EXPERIENCE I HAD LOOKING AT LONG ISLAND THROUGH THE BATTERED PRISM OF AN UNDERWOOD TYPEWRITER. THERE’S GREAT AFFECTION, BUT A CERTAIN CHILLING REALIZATION OF DARK THINGS LURKING IN THE SHADOWS. I’M NOT SURE, AS WE SIT IN OUR OAK-PANELED OFFICES IN WASHINGTON, THAT WE’RE AS SENSITIVE TO NUANCE AS WE OUGHT TO BE. I THINK IT MAY BE TIME FOR A WHOLE NEW APPROACH. I SUGGEST WE POSTPONE ANY FURTHER ACTION UNTIL YOU AND I HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO TALK MORE. I CAN COME BACK TO WASHINGTON, BUT NOT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. I HAVE A FEW OBLIGATIONS HERE.
CARRAWAY
4/27/53
FROM: MLLE CHRISTINE JORGENSEN
KEMPINSKI HOTEL
BERLIN
TO: JAKE BARNES
ROYAL HOSPITAL
COPENHAGEN
DAVEY WRITES COHN CITIZENS ARRESTED CARRAWAY IN PARIS STOP DAVEY MOST IMPRESSED BY DADDY STOP DONT THEY REALIZE NO OF COURSE NOT STOP ARRIVING PARIS TONIGHT HOTEL DU LOUVRE. WHEN ARE YOU BACK
LOVE CHRIS
4/28
FROM: ROBERT COHN
WASHINGTON, DC
TO: DAVID SCHINE
HOTEL GEORGE V
PARIS
DAVEY
JORGENSEN AT HOTEL DU LOUVRE STOP MONITOR MAIL FROM BARNES STOP MAY BE SOURCE OF LEAK STOP I WANT TO NAIL THAT BASTARD
ROBERT
4/28
FROM: ROY COHN