Switching Gears

by Chantele Sedgwick

  She’s silent for a moment, which makes me nervous.

  “Mom?”

  “Oh. Hello?” she asks. “Who is this?”

  “It’s Emmy.”

  “Oh, honey, is something wrong? I thought you were out with your friends tonight? Why are you calling me?”

  My eyes burn and I have to bite my lip to stop from crying. She’s fine. She’s just a little confused. Maybe I really did call her. My phone was in my pocket. I could have butt-dialed her accidently and she’s calling me back. I try not to panic and make sure my voice is steady when I speak. “Um … I wanted to say hi. See how you were doing.”

  “Oh, good. Where did you go again?”

  “Bowling.”

  “That’s right. Dad told me. You winning?”

  “No.”

  “I haven’t been bowling in years. We should go sometime. Maybe in a few weeks for girls’ night. Does that sound fun?” She’s quiet again and I shiver as a breeze touches my bare arms. “Emmy? You there, honey?”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t worry about calling to check up on me, okay? I’ll see you when you get home.”

  “Okay.”

  “Love you, Em.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I hang up and stare at my phone for a long time.

  CHAPTER 9

  The day Lucas told me he had cancer again was a lot like this. It was one of those times in which I couldn’t do anything to change the situation and ended up crying for hours after. I had known something was wrong. He hadn’t been his usual self for a few weeks, but no matter what I said, he’d shrug it off and act like everything was fine. I knew my best friend, though. He was just … off.

  It was late. Almost eleven when I got his text. All it said was that he would meet me out back. I slid off my bed, told my parents where I was going, and went outside. I’d met him in his backyard so many times, I knew I’d find him sitting in his parents’ porch swing as I hopped over his fence.

  “Hey,” I said, putting my phone in my pocket and sitting next to him. “What’s up?”

  He leaned his head back, his eyes on the night sky. “Sorry it’s so late. I just … it’s been a really crappy day.”

  “I’m sorry. Anything I can do?”

  He shook his head. “No. It’s nothing you can fix.”

  “Okay?” He was scaring me. There was obviously something very wrong. I could see it in his eyes.

  “Em, I need to tell you something. It’s pretty big. And I haven’t told anyone yet.”

  My heart sped up. Whatever he was going to say sounded bad. “What’s wrong? I can tell something’s been bothering you for a while now. Are your parents okay? Is Oakley okay?”

  He smiled. “My sister’s fine. So are my parents. For the most part anyway.”

  “Oh. Good.” I folded my arms and shivered at the slight breeze.

  He was quiet for a moment. A few crickets chirping somewhere in the yard was the only sound in the starry night. It could have been the perfect moment, but then he spoke. “My cancer’s back.”

  My world crashed down around me as I sucked in a breath. “What?” It came out as a whisper on the breeze.

  He closed his eyes. “I’ve been really tired and weak lately and have had a lot of pain. So we went to the doctor a few weeks ago. It’s bad.” He opened his eyes and sat up to face me, taking my hands in his. “Em, I’m not gonna make it.”

  I dropped his hands. “What do you mean, you’re not gonna make it?”

  “The cancer’s everywhere. They gave me six months. Tops.”

  This couldn’t be happening. This was Lucas. The guy who beat cancer once. The boy I was in love with. He was strong. He could fight this.

  I was shaking. My eyes burned. And when he scooted closer and put his arm around me, I leaned my head on his shoulder and let a few tears fall.

  He pulled me closer. “It’s okay, Em. I’m not afraid of dying. I accepted it a long time ago.”

  “How can it be back? You beat it. You’re perfect now.”

  “It’s just my time.”

  “It’s not fair. You’re too young to die.” I wiped at the tears trailing down my cheeks.

  He chuckled, the rumble in his chest making my heart constrict. “No one’s too young to die. Some people aren’t really ready for it, but you can’t stop what’s meant to happen. And I’ve accepted my fate. I’ll be okay.”

  “I won’t.”

  He squeezed my shoulder. “Thanks for always being there for me, Em. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But you’ll be strong. You have your family. Oakley. Kelsie. You’ll manage without me.”

  I wasn’t sure what I’d do without him. The thought of him dying was more than I could take. “How’s Oakley?”

  He sighed. “Not good. Give her a few days before you try to talk to her about it. She’s taking it the hardest.”

  “Okay.” She’d been distant lately, that’s for sure. Now I knew why.

  He sat up a little straighter, but didn’t move his arm. “Let’s not talk about depressing things anymore, okay? I’d rather just sit here and enjoy the quiet. The stars are bright tonight. It’s … calm. I need calm right now.”

  “They are bright.” I wiped my eyes and, as I moved my hand back down toward my lap, Lucas grabbed it and linked out fingers together. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. All he needed was someone to sit with him and be there for him while he dealt with everything.

  My mind was going crazy, though. Did anyone else know? His friends? His girlfriend? She didn’t deserve him. She never had. And how was I supposed to watch him get weaker and weaker until he disappeared into nothing? I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to curse every disease capable of taking those I loved away. But I didn’t. I relished in the moment of Lucas trusting me enough to tell me what was going on. And sitting in that porch swing that night was a memory I’d cherish forever.

  When I got home later that night, Mom was waiting for me. I didn’t even know she was there until she flipped the lamp on. One look at my tear-streaked face and she was on her feet.

  “Honey, what’s wrong?”

  “His cancer’s back.” I couldn’t say anything else, just sobbed as she pulled me close and stroked my hair.

  She was quiet, listening to my sobs and crying silently herself. No words about how everything was going to be okay or how Lucas would win his fight. No false hopes. And I loved that about her. She just let me cry. She was just there. My rock. And I knew she’d be there for me every other time I would need her.

  But now, my rock was slipping away. And oh, how I needed her.

  CHAPTER 10

  I don’t know how long it’s been when Cole finds me, but I’m sure it’s been a while.

  “Hey,” he says as he sits on the curb next to me.

  “Hey.” My tears are dry by now and hopefully my face isn’t red, but I’m sure it’s a little blotchy.

  Dumb emotions. I hate crying.

  “I wondered where you ran off to. You okay?”

  I nod. Just feeling sorry for myself and thinking about things I can’t change.

  “You sure?”

  “Yes.” I rub my arms, and before I know what he’s doing, he shrugs off his dark jacket.

  “Here.”

  “Oh, no, I can’t take your—”

  “No worries.” He puts it around my shoulders and I give him a shaky smile.

  “Thanks.” It smells good. Like cologne. I try not to let him see me breathe too deep. That wouldn’t be awkward at all.

  “So … you kind of disappeared. Kelsie has been bowling for you.”

  “I’m probably winning then?”

  He chuckles. “She’s pretty good.”

  I nod. “I know. She puts me to shame at everything.”

  “Besides mountain biking?”

  “I guess. Are your cousins having fun?”

  “I think so.”

  “That was nice of you to take them ou
t on the town.”

  He chuckles. “Not much to do here, but bowling works, I guess.”

  “Are you guys close?”

  “We get along, yes. My mom and their dad are siblings. We don’t see them a ton, but they do come around sometimes. When they do, we have fun. They’re only in town for a few days this time, though. Madison has an appointment with a specialist here. She has a kidney disease and she’s not doing very well. They’re hoping this doctor has better news than her other ones.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugs. “Life. If anyone can deal, it’s Madison. She’s the most positive person I’ve ever met. Mia, on the other hand, she’s convinced she’ll be able to donate a kidney to her when she turns eighteen. I hope she’ll be able to. For both their sakes.”

  “Me too.” I think of Lucas when he got his diagnosis. I squeeze my eyes shut as my eyes start burning.

  He’s quiet for a moment. “You ready for your race next week?”

  “Yes.” I like one word answers. They’re short. And about all I can handle right now.

  “Really?” He raises an eyebrow and gives me a small smile.

  “Yep.”

  “I believe you. I’ve seen you ride, you know. You’re good.”

  I didn’t expect that. “Thanks.”

  “I wish you’d reconsider and join the team again.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  He sighs. “Look. If there’s anything I can do to change your mind, tell me. We could really use you. Our scores could use a boost. Especially against that team from Layton. They almost had us last week. It would be good to have another person who knows what she’s doing.”

  I shake my head.

  “I figured you’d say no.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He shrugs. “From past experience, I know you won’t change your mind no matter what I say.”

  “How do you know? You don’t even know me.”

  “I’m trying to get to know you. If you weren’t so stubborn, we’d be past all the small talk by now.”

  I don’t know what to say to that, so I just sit, staring at him with my mouth open. Why does he want to get to know me? We’re two very different people. He’s the laid back, not a care in the world type and I’m … the opposite.

  He’s watching me and I avoid his eyes. I’m not sure what he wants or how I got myself into this situation. I shouldn’t have come.

  “You’re really hard to read, Emmy.”

  My name on his lips makes my heart speed up. “Thanks … I guess.”

  He shrugs. “I can usually read people pretty well. But you? You’re different.”

  “Oh.” This conversation keeps getting more awkward and I’m really wishing Kelsie would come find us.

  “You’re still mad about me taking over captain.”

  “You won it, fair and square.” It comes out clipped, even though I try to keep my voice steady and indifferent. “The team chose you and not me.”

  “And that hurt you.” He hesitates. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it from you. It wasn’t my place.”

  I stare at the ground. I wasn’t expecting him to apologize, especially for this. “No.” I look up at him with half a smile. “You’re the better choice. You’ve had professional coaches and know a lot more about it than I do. I’m just a …”

  “A what?”

  I let out the breath I’m holding. “I don’t know what I am.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but I do see his hand lift up a little, like he’s going to put his arm around me or something. Part of me wants him to. “You’re awesome at fixing up bikes.”

  I chuckle. “I guess so.”

  “And you’re a pretty amazing rider.”

  I shrug. “Sometimes.”

  “Not sometimes. You’re awesome. Especially for someone who taught herself how to ride.”

  “Thanks …” This conversation is kind of freaking me out. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. “What do you want, Cole?”

  He stares at me. “What makes you think I want something?”

  I ignore that. “You just … you usually don’t go out of your way to talk to me. And the past few times we’ve seen each other, that’s exactly what you’ve done.”

  “You read into things too much. And I don’t want anything. Like I said before. I’m trying to figure you out.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re interesting.”

  “Cole, please.”

  He grins. “What? You don’t believe me?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “There’s no way you’re interested in me.”

  He smiles. “I never said I’m interested in you, just that you’re interesting.”

  I swear my whole body blushes. I’m such an idiot. “I didn’t mean—”

  He scoots a little closer so our legs touch, which makes me all kinds of nervous. “What if I am?”

  I stare at him. “Am what?”

  “Interested in you.” He lets it linger in the air for a moment and I can’t look away from him. His eyes slide over my features and I shiver. “Normally a guy would give up on a girl who tried to insult them every time they were around, but not me. I know there’s more to you than that. I watched you last year. And not in a creepy way, I swear. I’ve just noticed things. You’re loyal to your friends. You care about people you love, more than you care about yourself. When I first met you, you were very friendly and welcomed me into your group even though you didn’t know me at all. I haven’t forgotten that.” He smiles and then his face grows serious and he frowns. “But then I took captain from you and something changed. And I’m sorry. I made you hate me before you even got to know me.”

  I want to tell him it’s not all his fault. Maybe a tiny bit, but when Lucas told me his cancer was back, that did it. It changed my outlook on everything. It changed me. “It wasn’t you,” I whisper.

  “Then what was it?”

  I don’t want to talk about Lucas right now, so all I do is shake my head and play with the ring around my finger.

  “It’s because of that boy, right? The one who died a few months ago.”

  My heart feels like it might stop as the breath whooshes from my lungs. I don’t answer, just keep twisting my ring around my finger.

  “I didn’t know him, but I heard he was a good guy. Were you two close?”

  I bite my lip and give a slight nod. “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I shrug. I don’t know what else to do.

  He folds his arms and stares into the parking lot with me. Voices echo from the bowling alley. People laugh, bowling balls crash into pins. It’s so loud in there. Chaotic. It’s just as chaotic in my head.

  “So I was wondering something.”

  I jump as his voice pulls me out of my stare. “Okay.” Hopefully he changes the subject.

  “What are you doing Friday night?”

  I lean away from him as my eyes grow wide. “Cole, don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I … you have a girlfriend.”

  “Last time I checked, I didn’t.”

  “What about Whitney?”

  “What about her?”

  “She likes you.”

  “So? I don’t like her. Like that anyway.”

  “You two had a fling or something, though.”

  “I wouldn’t call it a fling. She was nice to me. And I could tell she kind of liked me. When you’re new to a school and don’t know anyone, you attach yourself to the people who accept you. After hanging out with her a few times, I realized she wasn’t my type.”

  I bite my lip. “What about the other girls?”

  “What other girls?”

  I laugh. “People talk. I’m not going to be like every other girl at our school.”

  His eyes narrow and he clenches his jaw. “You believe everything you hear?”

  “Ever since you came here, all I’ve he
ard are rumors. Who you’ve been with, and whatever else you like to do.”

  “Been where with?”

  I sneak a look at him and he’s grinning. “You know what I mean.”

  He laughs. Loud. “That’s pretty funny. And the keyword for tonight? Rumors. Not truths. Just because I’m nice to people doesn’t mean I’m some player who sleeps with every girl he meets.”

  “There wouldn’t be any rumors if you didn’t.”

  He smiles. “Everyone has baggage, Emmy. Even you, I’m sure. And rumors don’t do anyone any favors.”

  “Do truths?”

  He shrugs. “Depends on the truth.”

  “Tell me a truth then,” I challenge. “So I know what to really believe.”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because apparently all I know are rumors.”

  He studies me for a long time before leaning in and tugging on a strand of my hair. “I kind of like it that way.” He lets go and leans back again, still watching me.

  I let out a frustrated breath. “What is the point of this conversation then?”

  “Does there have to be a point to every conversation?”

  I glare at him. Same old Cole. I do have an opinion of him. Jerk.

  But now I’m curious. Curious to what truth he’s hiding from me. From everyone. I look over at him to find his eyes on me. Challenging me.

  The thing is, I don’t have a clue what to say.

  “You’re tongue-tied. That doesn’t happen very often, does it?” He smiles, his face inching toward mine.

  “Uh …” He’s right. I am. I blink once. Twice. What am I doing? What’s wrong with me? I hate the fact that I’m letting my guard down around Cole, but it’s totally happening. And I’m terrified.

  “Emmy?”

  I shoot to my feet as Kelsie comes outside. “Hey.” I tuck my hair behind my ear and step away from where Cole’s still sitting.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes. Just … talking.”

  She gives us both a strange look and I swear she’s trying not to smile. “Okay. I’ll go back inside then.”

  “No!” I don’t mean to shout, but I do anyway. I give Cole a nervous look, but all he does is smile. It’s more than a smile, though. Like borderline laughing. “Um … I’m ready to go.”

  “Now?”

  “Now. I … uh … need to get home. My mom was on the phone and needs me.”