Switching Gears

by Chantele Sedgwick

  I can’t help it. I’m laughing.

  He puts a hand to his chest like he’s offended. “It was traumatizing.”

  “And kind of hilarious. I can just see you showing off in front of everyone.”

  “I haven’t been since.”

  “How old were you?”

  “Thirteen.” He frowns for a second like it was a horrible memory and smiles again.

  “Didn’t you grow up in California?”

  “We moved a lot.”

  “Oh.”

  He smiles again. “Your turn.”

  “Ah. My turn.” I rub my hands together. “Just one truth?”

  “Yep. Anything you want. Preferably something not everyone knows.”

  “Fine.” I wrack my brain for something personal, but not too revealing. “I don’t date a lot.”

  He gives me a look. “Whatever. I don’t believe it.”

  “Really. I’m serious.”

  “So … you don’t date. Does that mean you’ve never kissed anyone then?”

  My cheeks heat. Did he really have to go and ask that question? “I never said that. I said I don’t date. That doesn’t have anything to do with kissing.”

  “Interesting. So you play the field but don’t settle down. I get it.” I should be offended, but he’s smiling and I know he’s joking. At least … I think he is.

  “I had a wild couple of years. What can I say?” I laugh because it’s not even remotely true. Sure I kissed a few guys here and there, but there was only one person I ever really wanted to kiss and never got the chance. The only guy I’ve ever loved. Lucas. And thinking about him makes me sad. The only person I ever told was Mom. I told her everything the day Lucas told me his cancer was back. Everything. And Kelsie knows now, but back then? No one else. Sure, people knew we were friends, like my dad and brother and his family, but my feelings for him were secret. Just like he kept the fact that he loved me secret.

  Too many secrets.

  I don’t want to go through that ever again. It’s one of the reasons I never get close to anyone anymore. Besides Kelsie, of course. Because after all is said and done, I’m always left alone. Now more than ever. Even Mom will forget me sooner or later.

  “I don’t picture you as a wild girl.”

  I frown, snapping back into the conversation. “I’m not.”

  He’s thoughtful for a moment. “I thought you dated that Lucas kid.”

  I freeze. “No.”

  “Really? The way you react when I mention his name makes me think there was more than just friendship going on.”

  “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

  “Sorry. It’s just … sometimes talking about things make you feel better.”

  “Trust me. Talking about Lucas won’t make me feel better.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Thanks,” I whisper, grateful he’s not pushing the subject.

  “You ready to head out?”

  “Yep.”

  “Sorry it’s kind of a short date. I thought you’d want to be rid of me pretty quick.”

  I chuckle. “I’m not that rude.”

  “I think you just admitted you enjoy my company.”

  “Surprisingly, it’s not that bad.” I stare at my hands and can’t stop the smile that creeps to my lips.

  I have to admit, I’m kind of enjoying hanging out with him. He keeps things interesting. And as much as I miss Lucas, it’s nice to have someone kind of like him to talk to again. Someone who likes to spend time with me, for me. Someone who treats me well and actually wants to get to know me. Someone who knows how to tease. And Cole totally has that one down.

  “Perfect. Just the reaction I was looking for.”

  I glance up as he stands, and I can’t explain the warmth that rushes through my body when he smiles at me.

  I’m in big trouble.

  CHAPTER 14

  The drive home is quieter than before. Cole focuses on the road, and I focus on the houses passing by the window. Perfect houses with white picket fences and wrap-around porches. Green well-kept yards, fancy mailboxes, and big trees shading the lawns.

  A neighborhood out of a movie. I could live here when I’m older. With kids running around the yard while my husband and I watch them from the porch. I can be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy, right? Even when you feel like your life is crumbling down and you keep getting one piece of bad news after another. There’s a tiny chance for happiness after all is said and done.

  Right?

  As I contemplate my emotions swimming around, I glance at Cole again and try to analyze our date. Part of me wants to shut him out and pretend like what I’m feeling when he’s around isn’t real. The other part wants to get to know him better. To go out with him again. To keep talking.

  The music plays softly on the radio as he drives. The silence isn’t awkward at all, just different. Like something’s changed. I haven’t decided if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

  He pulls into my driveway a few minutes later and turns the truck off. With a small smile, he jumps out and comes around to open my door. Once I’m out, he walks me to the porch, his hand at his sides, all friend like. I wonder if he’ll try to make a move. I’m guessing no, since this was kind of a test date, but I don’t seem to know what he’s ever really thinking, so he could surprise me.

  If he does make a move, though … I don’t know what I’ll do.

  We reach the bottom of the porch and he stops and turns toward me. “So this was fun.”

  “It was.”

  “We should do it again.”

  I nod, but don’t say anything. Once I make it up the three steps to the porch, I stop and turn toward him, waiting for … I’m not sure what.

  He puts his hands in his pockets and watches me. “I have a question.”

  “Okay?”

  “You know I like you. I’ve told you as much. So, the question of the day is … do I have a chance at all?”

  My heart quickens, and I back up a step. “Cole … I …”

  Does he? Could I let someone like him in? The answer is … I don’t know. I really don’t know.

  “Really.” He takes a step closer. “I need to know now if it will ever go anywhere. I know the biking thing is a big deal for you. The captain thing is a big deal. I know you need to prove something by beating Whitney or whatever next Saturday, but after all that’s over, I’d like to take you out again. If … you know. If you don’t mind.”

  I could break his heart. I could tell him to leave me alone right now and be done with it. Ignore him on the trails and in school next fall. Never look back so I’ll never get hurt. But something stops me. So instead of pushing him away, all I do is smile. “After I beat Whitney, we can talk more.”

  He frowns. “About that. Do you need any help? I could go riding with you. Give you some pointers. You only have a week to train and I could help you a bit.”

  My eyes narrow. “Why? Are you so sure Whitney’s gonna win?” It comes out short, even though I don’t mean it to.

  “No, I have to …” He trails off and looks at the ground. “Look. I was going to tell you this earlier, but I didn’t know how.” He pulls something out of his jacket pocket and hands it to me.

  Biking gloves.

  “What are these for?” The wheels in my head start turning. These gloves are nice. Like top-of-the-line nice. I’d never spend so much on a pair of gloves like these.

  I glance up at him and he hesitates before speaking. “A few weeks ago, Edge approached Whitney and me.”

  I don’t hear anything else. All I can do is stare at the gloves and try to control my scattered emotions. “You’re sponsored? Both of you?”

  He rocks back and forth and finally settles, his eyes meeting mine. “Yes.”

  I nod and bite my tongue. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. I knew it was coming, since he’s amazing, but why did he wait so long to tell me? Especially about Whitney? “Congratulations.”

/>   “Like I said before. I was gonna tell you earlier, but didn’t know how.” He’s trying to read the look on my face. I can see it in his eyes. Trying to figure out how much to tell me. If I’m angry. If I’m upset.

  I think of Mom and Dad keeping Mom’s diagnosis from me. And now Cole and Whitney are sponsored? Does no one in this world trust me? I don’t get it. I don’t understand. What’s with all the secrets? Are they trying to make me go crazy?

  “You got this a few weeks ago?”

  “Yes.”

  My temper rises, just a tad. “Huh. So, I basically made an idiot out of myself when I asked Whitney for a rematch. And you just stood there and let me.”

  His eyes widen. “Why would that make you an idiot? Whitney’s good, but she knows you’re good, too. She sees you as a threat. Beating you one-on-one will actually be a challenge for her.”

  I’m not a challenge. I don’t have a sponsor. I don’t have people watching me and begging me to race for them. I’m just … me. I put the gloves back in his hands feeling … sad, of all things. Which is weird. I thought I was going to be angrier. But now I’m confused. Confused and hurt by everyone.

  I look up at him and note the strange emotions on his face. What is he trying to prove by telling me this? I turn and struggle trying to get my keys out of my pocket to open the stupid door. I need to get away from him. I need to get to the safety and sanctuary of my room. Away from everyone. “Goodnight.”

  “Come on, Emmy. This is not how I wanted to end our date.”

  I let out an annoyed breath. “It wasn’t even a date. You took me out to be nice. That’s all. So I wouldn’t feel like such a loser when Whitney beats me again.”

  “Stop.” He grabs my arm, stopping me as I try to get my key in the lock. “What is it with you? Why are you so against me? I’m trying here. I’ve been trying for a year and when I finally make some progress with you, you start … I don’t know. Feeling all sorry for yourself.”

  “What do you want me to do, Cole? Do you want me to worship you or something? Tell you how good you are? Beg you for your help because I can’t handle things on my own?”

  “No. You know me better than that.”

  “Do I? Are we even friends? Because the last time I checked, we weren’t.”

  He steps closer. My heart hammers in my chest as his hazel eyes search mine. “I don’t know. Are we?”

  My eyes narrow and I’m so close to pushing him off the porch I can feel it. “You—”

  He grabs my hands as I try to shove him away and instead of him flying backward, he pulls me close so I’m inches away from his face. “Nice try.” He looks amused. Not mad at all. “If you would have let me finish, I would have told you something else. I’m bringing my sponsor to your race against Whitney. To watch you. As in, if they like you, they’ll sponsor you, too.”

  It takes a second to register. “Are you serious?”

  “Of course I’m serious. If you’d stop thinking of me as the bad guy, you might actually trust me a little.”

  I stare at him. He’s a little frustrated with me; I can see it. But there’s something else there, too. “I …” No words. No words will form, so I continue to stare. My eyes flick to his lips as his move to mine.

  So close. So close. He’s so very close. His breath on my skin makes me shiver, and as much as I want to slap him, another part of me wants him to kiss me.

  Something’s seriously wrong with me.

  “Cole … I …” Too close now. Too close. I lean away, just a little, and so does he.

  He stares at me, lines creasing his brow as a frown forms on his lips. “I’m sorry,” he breathes. “I shouldn’t have …” He trails off.

  I’m not sure if he’s talking about the sponsor or something else. Instead of asking, I step away. Disappointment washes over me as he drops my hands. “Thank you for dinner.” I turn away, trying to forget the way he’s looking at me but the thought makes me turn back around. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” he says with a small smile. “Until next time.”

  I go inside and shut the door. I’m surprised Mom and Dad aren’t hovering anywhere close—especially Dad, to make sure I’m not making out on the front porch or something. Instead of finding them, I go down to my room. As I lay on my bed, my head is a sea of strange and unfamiliar emotions that I can’t quite figure out.

  It’s going to be a long night.

  CHAPTER 15

  Over the next week, all I do is train. After Cole told me he was sponsored, I made a goal to do everything I could to beat Whitney. And to show him I’m good enough to beat her without his “training.”

  I train so hard, I can’t catch my breath.

  Push myself harder than I’ve ever pushed.

  Every day, I wake up at six in the morning and go up to the trails to ride for an hour or two, then go home, shower, do another set of workouts to keep my stamina up, and pretty much stay in my room and strategize the rest of the time.

  I don’t see Cole. He texts me to see what I’m doing a few times, but I tell him I’m busy. I can’t worry about him when I’m supposed to be focusing on my race.

  Kelsie rides with me a few times, but she knows how serious I am about this race so she lets me do my own thing. She knows when I’m in the zone and leaves me alone.

  I ignore my family. They know it. I know it. I feel bad about it, but this race means everything to me.

  I want to win. I want to beat Whitney. Not just beat her to rub it in her face, either. I want to do it for me. And the more I train, the more obsessed I become.

  After an especially hot day, I plow through my bedroom door, throw my biking crap in the corner, and flop onto my bed. My body hurts, and I’m sunburned and exhausted.

  Someone knocks on my door then and I jump, my eyes flying open. I must have fallen asleep.

  “Come in,” I croak and clear my throat.

  Mom opens the door and comes inside. “Hey. How’s it going?” she asks.

  “Good. Sorry, really tired today.” I rub my eyes and sit up, noting how gross I smell since I’m still in my biking clothes.

  “Judging from your clothes, you went biking again?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is there a day I can come watch you?”

  “You can’t really watch, Mom. You have to be on a bike yourself.”

  “Maybe you could take me sometime.”

  I shrug. “Maybe.”

  She sighs. “I know you’ve been avoiding me, honey. I’m sorry I’ve made you so upset, I just … I didn’t know what to do.” She meets my eyes. “So, our girls’ night is next week. What do you want to do?”

  I shrug. “I don’t care.”

  “Well, do you want to go do something? We could see that chick flick you wanted to see or get a pedicure or something.”

  I shake my head. “I’ve got a lot of stuff going on next week. Maybe we can rain check?”

  She hesitates before nodding. “Sure.” She gets up and makes her way across the room. “You know I’m still the same person, right? I haven’t changed, honey. You don’t need to be afraid to spend time with me.”

  I nod and swallow the lump in my throat.

  “Don’t stay in here all day. I’ll make something for lunch, okay? So come upstairs in about ten minutes. It will be on the table.”

  “Okay.”

  She closes the door and I lay back on my bed.

  Guilt for being so distant gnaws at me. But as usual, I do nothing about it.

  CHAPTER 16

  Race day. It’s early. The sun hasn’t come up yet, but of course I’m wide awake. I turn over on my side and glance at the clock. Six in the morning. I don’t have to be at the trail for three hours.

  Curse my early rising genes.

  I hear someone walking around upstairs, but I stay in bed, not wanting to have a conversation with anyone this early. The person walks in the bathroom and the door shuts right before the shower turns on. Dad, I’m su
re. The early riser I take after.

  I pull out my phone and look at my email and a text from Kelsie. Nothing important. Instead of turning it off, a thought pops into my head. Mom. Her disease. After a second, I do something I should have done a long time ago: I type in “early Alzheimer’s disease.”

  My finger hovers over the search button and I take a deep breath before pushing it.

  A bunch of links pop up and I scan through them before clicking on one.

  Early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease. Or Familial Alzheimer’s Disease. The correct term used for cases diagnosed before age sixty-five.

  I frown as I scroll through the symptoms, recognizing a few Mom has experienced, now that I think about it.

  Some symptoms of Alzheimer’s can be memory loss, challenges in problem solving, difficulty performing tasks, confusion, trouble speaking, misplacing things and forgetfulness, withdrawal from social events, mood swings. As the disease progresses, I read, the patient may not be able to care for his or herself and must be under twenty-four-hour care to avoid harm to self or accidents.

  I look through the article. Words jump out at me as I read and I start to feel sick to my stomach.

  Devastating effects on careers. Hard for family members to deal with. Young children suffer from parent not being able to care for them anymore.

  Family suffers.

  Hard for family.

  Devastating for spouses and family.

  Memory loss.

  I turn my phone off and throw it toward the end of my bed before I lean back and stare at the ceiling.

  I need to talk to someone.

  And the only someone I feel comfortable talking to besides my parents is in this house.

  I push the covers off my bed and head upstairs. I know Gavin is asleep, but I don’t care. I sneak into his room and close the door behind me.

  He doesn’t even move.

  “Gav,” I say as I sit on the edge of his bed.

  He groans softly, but doesn’t move.

  “Gav.” I touch his bare shoulder and he shrugs it off and puts his pillow over his head.

  “Gavin.”

  He sighs and sits up after a few seconds.