Full Circle

by Connie Monk

  It would soon be dark; she had better go back indoors. Normally the house welcomed her and she was never lonely, but that evening she felt like an outcast from the human race. It must be the contrast with this afternoon, she told herself. We didn’t talk about ourselves at all, so I’ve no idea if he has a wife at home. And Leo, he will be sitting talking to Bella and his father, telling them about his day as they have dinner. It wasn’t like Louisa to feel sorry for herself, but as she ate her solitary ham salad meal she was in the mood to look facts in the face. Thirty-one years old, and alone – alone in the way that matters. And it does matter, if I have the courage to be honest; it always did, but never as much as now, now that I know Leo. And that’s dreadful. It’s humiliating. Leo’s a friend, and that’s all he can ever be. She knew what was developing between them, but when she was with him she always pushed those thoughts aside – was determined to. Now her thoughts turned to the evening ahead. What shall I be doing? I shall be imagining the joy of lying close to someone who loves me and who shares my life. But there is no one. It’s the same here as it was in Reading, except that I am older and with each month I slip further into the realization that my destiny is to be alone, finding my own way to quieten the aching longing. If it were just that, I wouldn’t be haunted by shame. But I can’t hold my thoughts in check. Each time I pretend it’s him. And then it’s awful, the shame, the self-disgust – not for doing what I do, but for pretending it’s Bella’s husband. Dear Bella. Lucky Bella, she’s the mother of the child who casts a spell on him, and rightly so. Alicia is sweet – pretty, too – but with the parents she has she is bound to be. I’ve seen him with her; I’ve seen the look on his face. How proud Bella must be.

  Her thoughts died even as they were born as she recognized footsteps coming towards her back door. As Leo came in she felt he must know from looking at her just where her imagination had been taking her even as he opened her front gate.

  ‘You’re a late visitor.’ She made sure that her tone was casual. ‘But I’m glad you’ve come. I have lots to tell you. It’s been quite a day.’

  ‘You’re going to tell me who your friend was and satisfy my curiosity? Or tell me it’s not my business, perhaps?’

  She reached to pull another chair towards the kitchen table where she had been eating her salad.

  ‘Here, look at the plan. The man you saw keeps McLaren Gardens. He’s coming to work a miracle on my piece of scrubland. Nothing less than a miracle will make a garden of it. What do you think?’

  He pushed the plan to one side and, taking her by surprise, grasped her hand. ‘I think I can’t go any longer without saying – oh, God, I’m no good at this sort of thing. Don’t you know why I come here every minute, every second that I can? It’s because I can’t keep away. Sometimes I think what’s happened to me has happened to you too.’ Then, his unusually serious expression changing as the more familiar impish smile tugged the corner of his mouth. ‘Don’t sit with your mouth open – you look like a guppy fish.’

  She laughed. She wanted to shout for joy. Then, just as suddenly, the wonder of what he was saying was lost. ‘We mustn’t, Leo. We can’t. Yes, it’s happened to me. I think of you every waking hour, I can’t sleep for – for—’

  ‘For wanting me, like I want you.’

  ‘Leo, I’ve never felt like this in my life. There has never been anyone for me until I met you.’ She was talking softly, each syllable clear as if to stress the importance of what she said. ‘But you are Bella’s husband; Bella is faithful and adores you. We can’t take what we want without hurting her. Bella is my friend, and your wife. We can’t do it.’ For a second or two neither spoke, then she said in a voice that refused to stay as calm and clear, ‘But with all my heart – with all that I am – I wish it were different.’

  ‘I hear what you say,’ he said softly, still holding both her hands, ‘and if you thought differently you wouldn’t be the woman I love. But Bella doesn’t come into this – she won’t get hurt. She is my wife and that’s how she will remain. If she were different I would want us to give her grounds to divorce me, but Bella is a hundred per cent good and we can neither of us do that to her. Perhaps it’s this house that casts a spell. Didn’t we say that ages ago, the first time we met? Remember? My father and your aunt were meant for each other, just as we are. Yet my parents lived a normal home life. Mum must have realized, but the home was a happy one. I never heard them quarrel. I think perhaps she was relieved to think he looked elsewhere for something he couldn’t find in her. Except for the fact that Bella is extraordinarily lovely to look at, she and Mum are very similar. They are born to create comfort in the home and security for the family; it’s what makes their lives satisfying. I’m at fault just as my father was, but love overrides everything.’

  The first wild joy had faded when faced with the reality of the situation. They sat in silence at the kitchen table, the grip of his hands not loosening, neither of them speaking and the only sound the ticking of the old-fashioned school clock on the wall.

  At last it was Louisa who broke the silence, her voice warning him that tears were fighting to gain the upper hand.

  ‘It was such an exciting day. I wanted to share it with you.’ It was a childish thing to say and she felt ashamed, yet she grasped at any excuse for tears rather than face the truth. But it was no use. ‘I haven’t cried for years. Why now, when I ought to be happy?’ She wiped the palms of her hands across her face, smearing her mascara and not caring. ‘You’ve just told me the thing I wanted to hear more than anything in the world, and I sit here behaving like a five-year-old.’

  Leo got up from his chair and, pulling her to her feet, forced her to meet his gaze as he drew her into his arms.

  ‘Darling, darling Louisa,’ he whispered, moving his chin on her head. ‘We could both cry for the moon but it would still be out of our reach. We have to take what life offers. Forget tomorrow – forget everything except that now at last we are honest with each other. I swear I have never felt for a living soul as I do for you. We can never be together as we want, but what we have this evening is more than we’ve ever had before. Friendship, yes, and that is still as precious; but now we have no secrets, we know that it can’t be enough.’ Again there was silence as the clock ticked on. She raised her face to his; her lips parted. And then it happened. His mouth covered hers and all her restraint was gone. Clinging to him and following instinct she moved her mouth on his; he felt her tongue on his lips just as he had imagined as he drove home with only one thing on his mind. There was no question now of what was right or what was fair, no thought of Bella or of anything except where love and passion was driving them.

  If they’d put it into words, to walk together up the narrow stairs side by side and still clinging to each other knowing where they were heading might have sounded sordid. But there was nothing sordid in their emotions, nor did Louisa feel any coyness as together they took off their clothes and stood before each other. Except for poorly endowed statues or oil paintings she had never before seen a naked man. She was living a dream and longed for the next moments. She wished she were experienced and could give him everything he wanted, but this wasn’t a moment for wishing; this was what she’d dreamed of. Following instinct, she held nothing back.

  If she was lacking in experience, Leo wasn’t. At his touch her passion mounted. In her lonely bed as she’d followed her instinct, always thinking of him, it had never been like this. She cried out in pure ecstasy when the final moment came and then, panting but exultant, they lay close in each other’s arms.

  ‘I see the man has brought his machines and tools,’ Bella said as she found Louisa tidying the shed late the next morning. ‘Leo told me all about it at breakfast. I was surprised. You’d never said anything to me about having it landscaped. How grand that makes it sound,’ she added with a chuckle.

  ‘I’d never considered it. It all cropped up so suddenly. But Hamish McLaren, the man who owns the garden place, is going to do it himself
and it’s not nearly as expensive as I would have imagined. The fruit trees will be quite dear if I get enough to make a little orchard. But come and look at the plan.’

  Unlike Leo, Bella gave it her full attention and, watching her as she knelt on the kitchen chair with her elbows on the table as she concentrated on the sketch, Louisa was touched with a feeling of real affection for her. And yet she had no guilt about what had happened the previous evening. It was as if Bella was removed from what existed between herself and Leo. She told herself she ought to feel guilty; she ought to feel shame that she could deceive someone so innocently trusting; someone who was her friend. But Leo was right when he said that Bella didn’t come into it; she wouldn’t get hurt. For her, nothing would change. Louisa’s friendship with Bella and relationship with him were two entirely separate things.

  ‘He’s home today – Leo, I mean. He’s working on some drawing or other. So I left Dad with him and Ali and I came by ourselves.’ From her expression it was clear her thoughts had suddenly jumped in another direction. ‘Alicia is such a mouthful for a tiny tot like she is, don’t you agree? Ali sounds so much more friendly. Oh, good, I think she’s waking up. Can I get her out of the pram in a minute? I want you to see how she pulls herself right up on to her feet if she has something to hang on to. I hope she’ll do it for you. She’s getting so clever.’ Yes, Bella was untouched by what had happened between Leo and her, not just yesterday evening but over the months when he had spent so much time at The Retreat. ‘Aren’t men funny – Leo has never been interested in gardening. But he seemed quite excited – no, perhaps that’s silly, not exactly excited, but really keen about what you intend to have done here. I expect it’s from a design angle, don’t you? He’ll like to see the implements Mr McLaren uses, even though gardening isn’t the same as farming. He said to tell you he’d probably look in later. When he works at home he likes to go walking. I expect it helps him to work out in his mind what he is designing, don’t you? You know what I think, Louisa? I think he is much more wrapped up in Carters’ than he even realizes. It’s probably all to do with being the younger brother; David – oh, I’m not criticizing, honestly, but he is so terribly serious so everyone thinks he’s the important one. And tomorrow morning he is fetching Dad and they are going into Gloucester to see the solicitor about arranging Power of Attorney. It’s not for both of them – David and Leo too – but just for David. Leo says he isn’t upset about it, but surely he must be hurt. It’s not fair.’

  ‘It seems a bit hard, but don’t get upset about it, Bella. Mr Carter may be getting forgetful, but he’s far from needing anyone to have Power of Attorney. Come on, let’s get Alicia; I want her to show me how well she can stand.’

  Bella’s morning visits were never long and the remainder of that one was spent admiring Alicia’s latest achievement. While Louisa encouraged and praised, her thoughts were already on the afternoon, when she knew Leo would be with her. And so, with the exception of the strand that was Hamish McLaren, the pattern that was to shape their lives over the months to come was formed.

  From eight o’clock in the morning of that first Sunday until daylight faded, Hamish worked on the area that was to be transformed from weedy coarse grass to lawn. First, he guided a motor driven single furrow plough, leaving the ground in straight lines of mounds and trenches.

  ‘No turning back now,’ he told Louisa, who had been watching from the sidelines where she had erected the garden table and brought out a tray of sandwiches, a jug of coffee and a bottle of beer.

  ‘I certainly don’t want to turn back. I can picture what it’s going to be like even better than from your drawing. It all looks so much bigger now the earth has been turned. If you want to scrub your hands before you eat, you’ll find a downstairs cloakroom to the left of the back porch. Don’t be long or the coffee will get cold.’

  ‘Food? Och! But that’s mighty civil of you. I intended to work straight through the day, but since you press me …’ They both laughed, not so much because he had said something funny as because the sun was shining and this a very fine way to spend a Sunday. By the end of the day the erstwhile, unkempt plot was transformed into raked soil, ready for the next stage.

  ‘Have you given any thought to the suggestion of a small orchard at the far end?’ he asked as he loaded his implements on to his pick-up truck. ‘If you don’t want it then I’ll get down to laying turf next time. But if you do, the trees would be better to be in first and I can turf round them.’

  ‘I’ve thought about it and I know it will cost a lot but, yes, I think the idea of an orchard, even a small one, is …’ She hesitated, aware of how stupid it would sound put into words to someone who was almost a stranger, ‘… is lovely,’ she concluded lamely, aware that he was watching her closely, as if he knew she was holding something back.

  ‘To my mind it’s what this garden needs – something to raise your vision at the end of the long strip of grass. It’s an odd shape for a garden, as if someone decided to chop off the end of the meadow and build a house.’

  She nodded. ‘I believe that is exactly what they did, years ago, of course. Perhaps the owner was getting beyond looking after the place and decided to take on a manager.’ She was aware that she had come very close to telling her new acquaintance what had made her decide to spend as much as she had on the garden. But temptation had been overcome and she was glad; such inner feelings weren’t to be shared simply by way of conversation. ‘Do you have trees in stock?’ Her momentary weakness overcome, she was once again the business woman.

  ‘Indeed I do. When would you find it convenient to come and make a selection?’

  ‘Tomorrow. I’ll come tomorrow morning. Will you be there or will your sister be able to give me some advice?’

  He had sensed her sudden businesslike aloofness and was at a loss to understand the reason. Funny creatures, women.

  ‘I can’t be sure without looking at my diary. But if I’m out Margaret can answer any questions. I’ll tell her you’re coming. But I may be around the place.’ Then, satisfied that he had been sufficiently cool to hide from her that she had been in his thoughts ever since his chance meeting with her at the centre on Friday, he gave her the boyish smile that was part of his nature and bid her goodbye.

  She had enjoyed her day but by that time she just wanted to get ready for the evening. Although he never arranged his visits in advance, she was sure Leo would come and she meant to spend the next half hour indulging in a deep, scented bath before dressing in her most alluring underwear.

  The bathroom was steamy so that as she stood up ready to step out of the water she couldn’t even see her reflection, but she didn’t have to look at it to know that she was a different person from the frustrated woman she had been before Leo had brought reality to her dreams and imaginings. It was like looking back at another life to think of how miserably scared she had been that the future would hold nothing more for her than fantasy. In her lonely desperation as she had pretended, imagined, strived towards attaining what she yearned, she hadn’t known how far from the truth was what she had experienced. Now she knew the truth, now she was a new woman; Leo had set her free and made her whole.

  She towelled herself dry and leant over the bath to pull out the plug so that the scented water gurgled its way down the pipe while, in her habitually methodical way, she rinsed away the remaining bubbles. She seemed hypnotized by the water as it rushed away, but in truth she hardly saw it; her thoughts had carried her back forty-eight hours. She didn’t hear a voice call from downstairs, or footsteps or the opening of the bathroom door. The first she knew that Leo was there was his warm hands taking the weight of her breasts as she bent over the bath.

  Instinctively she gasped before she realized who it was then, just as instinctively, she made a soft sound in her throat that told him more than any words could.

  ‘I would have come sooner had I known where you were,’ he whispered. ‘I wanted to be sure your young friend had gone.’

/>   ‘I hoped you’d come,’ she whispered. ‘I wanted to be ready – scented bath oil – the lot.’

  ‘You don’t need any of that, my beautiful Louisa.’ He turned her round and moved his hands down her body before dropping to his knees. She pressed his head close against her, even though this had never been part of her dreams, never something she had even imagined as part of lovemaking. But as his tongue moved and caressed her it awakened sensuality such as she hadn’t known possible. With her eyes closed she moved her body against him as she drew him close. She had neither the will nor the power to stop herself. There was no past and no future – only this. She heard Leo breathing fast, she felt his hands holding her to him just as hers pressed his head close as she moved against him, yet she seemed removed from everything except what drove her. Closer and closer she came to what she knew would happen … yes … yes … she wanted it to last forever and yet she wanted the moment to come. It must … yes … yes. She heard her voice as she cried out, then, so soon, the moment was gone. Had they been lying close, then the wonder would have stayed with her. But here in the bathroom, the moment reason returned so too did … was it embarrassment or shame? She slumped forward and fell to her knees, wanting him to hold her. Instead, breathless, he sat back on his heels, laughing.

  ‘Wow!’ he chuckled, but there was admiration in his mirth. ‘I didn’t expect that. I thought we were just warming up. You recovered?’

  She felt hurt, ashamed of what she had allowed to happen. More than that she was embarrassed by her nakedness, feeling it was nakedness of her soul as well as her body. As she had been consumed by something she’d had no power to stop, where had his thoughts been? Had he watched her and been pleased with himself that he had such power? Had he been laughing even then?