The funeral had been simple—a non-denominational chaplain from the Air Force had presided. They held it in the chapel where Ben and Paige were married. The chaplain said kind things about Ben, most of which weren’t really true. Bev and Billie had appreciated it and laughed at the anecdotes about their father. Paige had watched Bianca during the service; her stepdaughter listened, but said nothing. Her stoic behavior had become the norm. Ben’s co-worker, Aidleman, found guys in their squadron to be pallbearers. Ben was laid to rest in the cemetery not far from their home. Paige wanted him to be close to the girls.
Drew returned from his walk. He came up to her and put his arm around her shoulders. Paige leaned into him.
“How are you holding up?” he asked.
“Everyday, it gets a little easier.”
“Well, it’s only been a month since Ben died. I would imagine that in another month it’ll be a little easier, until one day this all doesn’t seem so…”
“Fresh? It feels like an open wound that’s just starting to heal.”
How exactly does one cope with their husband being murdered by his mistress? Someday I’m going to yell at Ben for adding to my already Lifetime-movie-of-the-week life.
“Yes, the wound will fully heal.” Drew cleared his throat. “On the plus side, the girls are doing better.” He blew into his hands to warm them. “Sometimes, I think the part right after the tragedy is actually the easiest bit.”
“What do you mean?” Paige took one last look at the grave. There were moments like this when she still couldn’t believe Ben was gone.
“I mean there’s always so much to do – bury the body, settle the estate, and plan for the future. But when the dust has settled, the work is done and things get quiet – what do we do? What do we do after it’s over? How do we fill the gaping hole they left behind?” His voice cracked a little at the end.
“I guess we start over,” she replied. Paige wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. “Things are going to get better.”
I have to believe that in order to keep going.
“They already have, Paige,” Drew coughed. “Geez, it’s cold.”
Paige shrugged. “Since you won’t wear one of Ben’s, we could have bought you a warmer jacket.” She nudged her brother in the arm. They walked away from Ben’s grave and toward the parking lot.
“Since we’re not staying, I didn’t see the point in buying a winter coat.”
“Fair enough.”
They walked in silence for a minute. There weren’t many plots left in the local cemetery, so Ben had been placed on the outskirts by two oak trees. Paige wanted to look back again, but figured it was better to keep moving forward.
“You know, you have every right to hate him. He did cheat on you and everything,” Drew said.
“I don’t hate him. I don’t know what I feel, but it isn’t hate.” Paige studied the impressions her boots left in the snow. “We talked a little about Mom and Dad before you went into rehab. There are some things we should talk about.”
“We don’t have to go there now.” Her brother smiled sympathetically at her.
“We do, because the past is dictating the present. I’ve spent the last fourteen years punishing myself for something that wasn’t my fault.”
“I’m glad you finally see that you had nothing to do with their deaths.”
“It took Beth murdering Ben for me to realize that. When I saw how completely unhinged she was, I just knew that there was nothing that anyone else did to make Mom shoot Dad. That was her choice.” Paige continued walking. “Besides, the why doesn’t matter. The end result is always the same.”
“So you’re ready to let the past go?”
“I am. I’m really sad about what happened with Ben, but I’m also really hopeful that there might finally be more to life than just enduring whatever situation I’m in. I think I could actually be happy someday—you know after this wound has healed.”
“Good.” Drew shivered. “That’s progress.”
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to run by you.” Paige drew a deep breath.
I wonder if he’ll go for it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s the law firm. You could replace me and take my shares in the practice. It would be a fresh start in a new place.”
Drew stopped abruptly. “You’re offering me your practice?”
Paige nodded. “I don’t think you should go back with me. I think sometimes that starting over in a new place, without old temptations—it’s the easiest way to move forward. Plus, Deidra always had a crush on you and she’d love to work with you.”
Drew laughed. “That woman is more than I can handle, but it’s not a bad idea.”
“So, you’ll think about it?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Good.” Paige breathed a sigh of relief as they reached the parking lot. She unlocked Ben’s Jeep; she’d been driving it ever since he died.
“And what about you?” Drew asked, buckling himself in.
“It’s time I find out why Kade never showed up.”
“What if he’s moved on?”
“Then I close that door and move on too. Who knows, maybe I’ll head to Ireland for a while. Aunt Aida still has the bar.”
Drew laughed. “I can just see the drama now.”
“Hey, I had fun tending bar. Just because you suck at mixing drinks—”
“I don’t suck at it. I’m just better at drinking than mixing.” He took a deep breath. “If I stay, I won’t have to miss the girls. It’s been a lot of fun being Uncle Drew this past month.”
“They can use all the family they can get.” Paige patted him on the arm. “I better put this thing in drive; they’re expecting us.”
***
Paige stood outside the house that she had shared with Ben and the girls. It looked different to her somehow, though nothing had physically changed.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s because I’ve changed. Okay, this isn’t goodbye, so suck it up and go inside already.
“Come on, Evelyn said she’d make dinner,” Drew said. He gave her a light shove in the direction of the front door.
“Right. Do you have the papers for her?” Paige chewed on her nails.
“Yeah, I’ve got them right here.” He pulled a thick envelope out of the inside pocket of his jacket and handed them to her.
“Great. We’re all set. Let’s do this.” Paige forced herself to go into their home for the last time.
***
“Are you sure about this?” Evelyn looked at the papers Paige gave her. She couldn’t seem to believe what she was reading.
“Yeah, I took the life insurance money that Ben left me and paid off the house. You and the girls can live here until Billie graduates. Then I’ll sell the house and we’ll divide up the proceeds for the girls. There should be enough to put them through college, maybe even grad school.” Paige looked past Evelyn into the kitchen to see Drew playing board games with the girls.
It’s nice to see him so happy.
“That’s very generous of you. I don’t know how to thank you,” Evelyn said.
“Let me see them from time to time? I’m really going to miss them.” Tears came again; she took several deep breaths.
I don’t want the girls to see me cry again. It’s just going to be happy memories from here on out.
“I couldn’t keep the girls away from you even if I wanted to.” Evelyn hugged her. “Thank you for everything. For what it’s worth, you were the one that Ben really loved. He saw something special in you.”
“Thank you.” Paige pulled back. She couldn’t think about Ben and still do what she needed to. “I need to get going.”
“Girls, it’s time to say goodbye to Paige,” Evelyn said.
“It’s not goodbye. It’s just see you later,” Paige said.
Bev and Billie walked out of the kitchen and tackled Paige, who landed on her butt with the two small girls squealing on top of her. Bianca h
eld back and leaned against a wall. She stared into space.
Once they get her off the meds, feisty Bianca will come back to us. I just know she will.
Paige hugged Bev and Billie as hard as she could. “I am going to miss you so much. Will you remember that I love you?”
“Of course,” Bev replied. “I’ll Facebook you as soon as I’m old enough to have an account.”
Paige kissed her cheeks. “Okay.”
“Mommy says I can text you whenever I want,” Billie said.
“Do you even know what texting is?” Bev asked.
“Well, yeah. It’s not like I’m new,” Billie retorted.
Those two fight like an old married couple. I think I’m going to miss that.
Paige walked over to Bianca.
“I don’t see why you have to go,” Bianca said.
“There’s something I have to do.” Paige tucked a stray strand of Bianca’s hair behind her ear.
“What? What do you have to do?” Bianca asked.
“There’s a friend of mine that I’ve missed for a really long time. I need to see him.”
“Will you come back?” Bianca frowned. Tears slid down her cheeks.
“If you need me, I’ll be here.” Paige hugged her oldest stepdaughter.
“Okay,” Bianca wiped her tears with the back of her sleeve.
“We love you, Paige,” Billie said, hugging her again.
“I love you all, too.” Paige cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. “I better get going or I’ll miss my flight.”
Paige handed Evelyn the house keys and the keys to her mini-van. She got in Ben’s Jeep and headed for the airport. She planned to leave it there; Drew had found a buyer. Paige sat in her husband’s seat one last time. She thought only about the good memories they had shared.
***
The weather in Washington State was cool, but not cold like Utah. The sun was shining as Paige turned on to Ruston Way. Some of Kade’s neighbors were outside, raking fallen leaves into piles. A couple stopped to look at her curiously as she slowly drove up the street. She’d only been that way once before and couldn’t remember exactly which house belonged to Kade. When she spotted it, her heart fluttered in her chest and she hit the brakes. An anxious driver behind her honked and went around.
I guess I better get out of the way.
Paige pulled in front of Kade’s house. She sat in her rental car and stared at the house.
What if he has a girlfriend or a wife? What if he never showed because he just didn’t want me? Maybe he’s not even home.
Paige gripped the steering wheel. She looked at the house, half-hoping he wasn’t home.
Nope, his truck is parked right there. He’s home. I just hope he’s alone. What do I say? Why did you stand me up? Do you still love me?
Paige checked her reflection in the mirror and got out of the car. Slamming the car door shut, she studied the house. The yard had been landscaped; there were freshly planted flowers near the front door and the grass had just been cut.
He’s either got a lot of free time or he’s got someone helping him. I wonder if he’s going to be alone. It’s not too late to just walk away and save myself the humiliation of being rejected again. I’ve got enough money in the bank to buy a one-way ticket to Aunt Aida’s place. No, Paige, you’ve come to far to run away now.
She was about to ring the bell when the sound of a hammer on wood drew her attention to the backyard. Her heels sunk into the grass as she made her way to the gate.
Should I knock? No, he won’t hear me over all that noise.
Paige unlatched the tall wooden gate and opened it. Kade was in the middle of the yard, hammering long pieces of wood together.
Looks like he’s building the patio he always wanted.
Paige was still; she waited to catch his eye, but she wasn’t prepared for his reaction when she did—he dropped the hammer on his foot.
“Are you okay? Should I get you some ice?” Paige asked, coming to his side.
“No, I’m fine,” Kade grunted. He hopped over to a lawn chair and sat down. He cursed for a full minute before finally looking at her.
“What’re you doing here? I heard you got married.”
The question felt like an accusation.
“I did,” Paige said quietly.
My brother’s right. He is grumpy. Why is he looking at me like I’m betrayed him? He’s the one who stood me up.
Kade rubbed his head. “I heard you barely knew the guy.”
“I…” Paige gulped hard. “Look, you stood me up, so I signed up with the next best thing that came along.” She bit her lip and gave Kade a sideways glance.
This is not the reaction I expected. He’s clearly angry and I’m feeling defensive. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
“This is obviously a bad time. I’ll just come back later,” she said, turning around and heading for the gate.
“Wait!” Kade stood up.
“What?” Paige spun around. “You stood me up, remember? I don’t understand why you’re angry.”
“I didn’t stand you up.” His face was contrite. He ran his hand through his hair.
“I waited for two hours, Kade.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Was it me? Did I do something…” Paige felt tears come; she chewed on the inside of her lip and willed them away.
“No, it wasn’t you. I got stuck working a double homicide. I tried to call you. I left messages every day for a month.”
“My phone was crushed that night. I lost every message for about a month because I had to switch carriers. They said I set a record for destroying phones,” Paige replied.
“I’m sorry I let my job get in the way of what we almost had.” Kade rubbed his eyes and sat back down in the chair.
Paige carefully lowered herself into the battered lawn chair next to his. She sat just a couple of inches away from him; their knees almost touched.
“I should have come over here and waited until you got home that night. That would have changed everything,” Paige mused.
“I can’t believe you’re married,” he whispered.
The pain in his voice brought relief to Paige’s heart. She wanted to smile and assure him that she wasn’t married anymore, but that seemed cold. She’d cared about Ben and still ached at his loss. In her heart, she wasn’t over him yet.
“My…” she drew a deep breath. “My husband was killed.”
“What?” Kade’s eyes reflected his concern. He took her hand.
Paige cleared her throat. “He cheated on me with this woman. Her name is Beth.” Tears fell as she spoke. “I want to hate her. She’s alive and sitting in a mental hospital while my three stepdaughters struggle every single day to carry on without their dad.” Paige shook her head. “But I can’t. Ben broke her. He treated her terribly and she just broke. We all have our breaking points.”
“I think the solution is to get help or get out before reaching that point,” Kade said, frowning.
Paige noted how tired he looked and the sadness in his eyes, which wasn’t there the last time she saw him. She could feel that something had happened to him; she sensed it had nothing to do with her.
The last thing he needs is for more drama from me.
Paige stood up. “I shouldn’t have come. This is a lot to dump on you. I’m sorry.”
Kade stood up, grabbed her hand, and pulled her in for a tight embrace. “I know this feels like the end of the world, but you’re a survivor. You will get past this. You’ve been through worse.”
Paige closed her eyes, wrapped her arms around him and inhaled his scent.
“Yeah, maybe I have.”
Losing you was worse.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.” He pulled back and wiped her tears away with his thumbs.
“In a strange way, it made realize something really important.”
“Yeah?”
Paige nodded. “I realized that what happened to my parents wasn�
�t my fault. My mom hit her breaking point.”
“There’s more to it than that,” Kade took a deep breath and pulled back.
“Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Yeah, I found out your mom had terminal cancer. She didn’t have much time left, and didn’t want to leave you with your dad.”
“So, she planned to kill him?”
I have no idea what to do with this information.
“I can’t prove it, but I think she did. She was afraid of what he might do to you if—”
“If she wasn’t around to protect me.” Paige squeezed Kade’s hand. “Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me.”
“I thought you should know.” Kade held her hands in his. “I never meant to stand you up. Never.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
Paige smiled. “Yeah, good. That means we have something to build on.”
“So, you’re here to stay?”
“Yes, I think it’s time I finally came home.” Paige smiled at Kade.
He leaned in and kissed her softly. “Finally.”
THE END
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michelle Alstead was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest. Tired of the rain and perpetually overcast days, she moved to the Intermountain West region of the country where she learned to love the mountains. When she’s not chasing after a babyzilla, she can be found updating her author’s blog at http://michellealstead.com.
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