Rattling the Heat in Deadwood (Deadwood Humorous Mystery Book 8)

by Ann Charles

  He straightened his sleeves. “That was a joke, Violet.”

  “Helloooo,” my mother said from the top of the steps. “You must be Violet’s new man.”

  I cringed. “Here we go.” I turned to correct my mom.

  But before I could get a word out, Susan butted in. “Mother, meet Doc.” She latched onto Cornelius’s arm again, melding into his Siamese twin.

  He bowed. “Hello, Violet’s mother. You can call me Cornelius.”

  Mom stopped two steps from the bottom, her gaze roving from me to Cornelius. “But I thought you go by D …” she gasped. “My, what beautiful cornflower blue eyes you have.”

  “Thank you. I borrowed them from my grandfather.”

  She smiled. “He must be as interesting to look at as you.”

  “Even more so now that he’s been dead for over a month,” Cornelius answered in earnest. “We opted out of embalming him, though. He always had a fondness for coffin flies.”

  “Coffin flies?” my mom squeaked.

  And we were off.

  Rather than correct my mother’s mistaken assumption about Cornelius being my boyfriend, I threw up my hands and escaped to the kitchen with his daisies. I’d let him keep her and Susan preoccupied while I figured out how to clear up the Doc confusion without embarrassing anyone other than Susan, the stinking floozy.

  Ten minutes later, while Aunt Zoe arranged Cornelius’s flowers in one of her own purple glass vases, I was telling my dad about some of my new clients as he sliced the roast when the doorbell rang again. I glanced at the clock. That had to be Doc. It was almost time to eat.

  “I’ll be right back,” I told Dad and headed for the front door.

  Harvey waited for me on the other side of the door with a stack of pies, a neatly trimmed beard, and slicked-back hair. He looked different than usual, so much so that I just stared at him for several seconds.

  “Are ya gonna move yer hiney aside or make me eat my dessert on the porch?”

  I took one of the pies from him and stepped aside. “What kind of pies did you make?”

  “That one there is cherry. These two are sweet potato and peanut butter.”

  “Did you bring—”

  “The jar of hot fudge is in my pocket.”

  “You’re the best!” I took the other pies from him and set them on the sideboard so he could shuck his coat. “You really need to bite the bullet and marry me one of these days. I’d make a great wife.”

  “Violet?” my mother said from behind me, her tone uncertain.

  I turned.

  “I thought you said Mr. Cornelius was your boyfriend.”

  “Well, I—”

  “But you were just talking to this … uh … slightly older man about getting married.”

  “Yeah, it’s complicated. Cornelius isn’t the real Doc. Susan is confused.” There, that was simple enough. I handed her Harvey’s cherry pie and grabbed the peanut butter. “Help me take these pies to the kitchen.”

  Harvey let out a low whistle, making Mom and me both turn his way. He ogled my mother up and down. “My, aren’t you as purty as a fence-corner peach.” He grinned at her with both gold teeth showing. “Sparky, did ya order her from one of those mail-order magazines, because she looks like she walked right off the pages of a catalog.”

  Shit-criminy, talk about laying it on thick. “Mom,” I said, nudging my head toward ol’ Sugar Tongue. “Meet Willis Harvey. Harvey, this is my mom, Hope Parker.”

  She tittered. “Well, it’s sure nice to meet you finally.”

  Finally? Had the kids talked about Harvey to her?

  She set the pie down and hugged Harvey, surprising both Harvey and me. “You’re a smidgeon older than I’d expected, but if Violet wants to marry you, you must be young at heart. Why does everyone call you ‘Doc’? Did you used to be a doctor before you retired?”

  Oh, dear.

  Something crashed in the kitchen, followed by Aunt Zoe yelling, “Violet!”

  I left my mom and the pies with Harvey, racing to see if Aunt Zoe was okay. Sliding into the kitchen, I asked, “What happened?”

  Dad pointed the knife he was using to slice the roast at the back door. “Your aunt saw her new-old friend standing at the back door, dropped a pan in the sink, and then ran into the living room.”

  Dominick waved at me through the back-door window.

  “You want to grab the door, Goldilocks. My hands are greasy and …” Dad stared at Dominick, the knife lowering as my father’s smile widened. “You know, he seems like a really good guy. We should let him come to dinner.”

  “No!” I rushed out the back door, slamming it behind me. Grabbing Dominick by the arm, I dragged him down the steps and through the snowy backyard. As soon as we were around the side of the house and out of view of everyone inside, I let go of him and bent over the evergreen shrubs at the edge of the property line, dry heaving several times.

  After I wiped my mouth, I whirled on him. “I told you to leave.”

  “I forgot to give you the message I came to deliver.” He looked over at the bushes with a frown. “Are you feeling ill?”

  Extremely, especially since Susan had arrived. “You’re bullshitting me about a message. You just came back to see Zoe.”

  “It’s not a lie. When I saw your aunt earlier, I forgot I’d come to see you, not her.” He rubbed his hands together. “She’s such an amazing specimen.”

  I huffed, still not buying that his crush on Aunt Zoe had made him forget his reason for showing up on her doorstep. “Fine. You’ve got the hots for my aunt. Now what’s your message?”

  “One of the hunters has arrived.”

  It took several seconds of shivering in the cold in my wet slippers for his message to sink in. “You mean one of my enemies has arrived to hunt me?”

  He nodded.

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “I thought you should know.”

  And I appreciated that, but—”Why would you go out of your way to help me?”

  “I want my lidérc back, and you are the only one who can capture it, Scharfrichter.”

  Right. He needed to make sure I stayed alive long enough to fulfill my side of our deal. “When you say arrived, do you mean here in the Black Hills?”

  “I don’t know its exact location, but I’ve received information that it is here amongst us.”

  “Like on this plane?”

  “Yes, that is another way of saying it.”

  I crossed my arms, my whole body trembling from the cold. The winter sun did nothing to warm me, especially now that I knew another enemy had arrived to take me out.

  “So, what do I—”

  “Violet?” my mother called from the back porch.

  I took a couple of steps back and peered around the side of the house at her. “I’ll be right there, Mom.”

  I turned back to wrap up my meeting with Dominick only to find him gone once again. Scanning the yard, I scratched my head. Dang. I needed to learn that disappearing trick of his.

  Before my mom came to investigate further, I ran back to the porch where she waited. “Violet, we need to talk about your boyfriend.”

  “Inside, Mom. I’m freezing.”

  She followed me through the back door. “Why in the world were you outside without a coat? You’re going to catch a cold.”

  I kicked off my wet slippers. “How many times have I told you that you can’t get sick from being in the cold without a coat?”

  “Maybe not, but you can certainly—”

  The doorbell rang.

  Frick-n-frack! That had better be Doc.

  I looked around for Aunt Zoe. She was still missing. Dad was almost finished with the meat, stacking it on the tray inside a circle of roasted potato wedges.

  “Where’s Harvey?”

  My mother shot a worried glance toward the dining room. “He said something about needing to water the flowers.”

  The doorbell rang again.

  It wasn’
t Doc.

  “Hey, Sparky.” Reid held out a dozen red roses for me to take. “These are for Zo, but if I give them to her, she’ll probably throw them back in my face. Maybe you can give them to her for me.”

  I frowned, stepping outside in my bare feet. Holy shit-ski, the porch boards were freaking freezing! “What are you doing here?” I asked him after I’d closed the door.

  “I was sort of hoping to have dinner with your family.”

  I rubbed my chin, remembering something Aunt Zoe had told me about Reid and her relationship in the past. “Now you want to come to dinner? Years after Aunt Zoe asked you repeatedly to meet her family?”

  “That’s the idea.” He smiled, his mesmeric, dark blue eyes appealing his case.

  “Did she invite you to come today?” I asked.

  He scoffed. “No, but I figured I’d break the ice and show up anyway.”

  Wow, that took some balls, but I had a feeling if Reid walked in the house, Aunt Zoe might break something else … over his head. “Maybe we need to think about this and come up with another plan.” Especially after the mess with Dominick this morning.

  The door opened behind me. Before I could turn to see who had joined us, the door slammed.

  “What in the hell are you doing here, Martin?” Aunt Zoe asked.

  Shit, too late.

  “Hey, Zo. You look amazing in that color of purple.” Reid was talking faster than normal. “I brought you some flowers.” He turned to me, nudging his head in Aunt Zoe’s direction.

  “Oh, right.” I shoved the bouquet at her. “These are for you.” Feeling like a third wheel, I bowed at Reid and then Aunt Zoe. “I’ll leave you two to talk alone and go melt my toes over the stove.”

  On my way through the door, I ran into my father’s chest.

  “What’s going on out here?” he said, setting me aside and joining Aunt Zoe on the porch. “Are you playing musical men today, Zoe?”

  “Musical men?” Reid said, frowning. “What’s he mean?”

  Uh-oh. I stepped back outside onto the cold porch boards. “I’ll explain later, Reid. My dad is confused about …” I ran out of words then and just smiled extra wide for a finale.

  Aunt Zoe sighed. “Damn it, Martin. You picked a hell of a time to come courtin’.”

  “Reid Martin?” my dad asked, his eyes narrowing.

  Reid nodded, holding out his hand. “You must be Zo’s brother, Blake. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  Dad glared down at Reid’s hand. “Are you the same Reid Martin who broke my sister’s heart a few years back?”

  “Blake, don’t,” Aunt Zoe said, grabbing my dad’s sleeve.

  “Probably,” Reid said, lowering his hand, his face lined with uncertainty. “I’m sorry about that. I was an idiot.”

  “It took her a long time to get over your lousy hide,” Dad said, bristling in spite of Aunt Zoe’s attempts to keep him calm.

  Reid looked from my father to Aunt Zoe and back. “And for that, I’m truly sorry. I had recently divorced and was struggling with a lot of self-doubts.”

  “But now you think you can just come back here with some flowers and Zoe’s going to take you back with open arms?”

  Reid scoffed. “I know better than that.”

  “You’re damned right she’s not. You have a lot of nerve, buddy.”

  “Blake,” Aunt Zoe said, her voice stronger. “I’ve got this. Please go back inside.”

  My dad hesitated, but then nodded, stepping back. “Zoe, don’t let him mess with your head again.”

  I grimaced. It might be too late for that. I grabbed my dad by the arm, pulling him back inside. “Dad, let Aunt Zoe deal with Reid.”

  “Fine,” he said, but he turned back before I could get the door shut and hollered out, “but I like the other guy you were kissing today better!”

  Oh, double fudge. I shut the door, leaning against it for several seconds as my dad stalked away, growling about Reid being a no-good, shiftless heartbreaker.

  Hmmm. That hadn’t gone so well.

  Harvey stepped out of the bathroom and looked my way, his bushy brows rising. “What did I miss?”

  “My dad almost decking Reid.”

  He rubbed his hands together. “Woo-wee! Things are startin’ to get excitin’ now.”

  I led Harvey into the kitchen to give Aunt Zoe and Reid some privacy. Dropping into one of the chairs, I made the introductions to my dad.

  My mom leaned on the counter next to my bottle of tequila. It looked less full than the last time I’d snuggled with it. She raised her coffee mug at Harvey. “You’re a little older than I’d like for my daughter, Mr. Harvey, but if you’ll marry her, I’m happy. I’ve been waiting for years for Violet to finally settle down.” She took a swig of what was undoubtedly my tequila in her cup. “Hell, I’d pretty much given up on ever getting a son-in-law when it came to her.”

  “Hope,” my dad said, picking up the bottle. “How much tequila have you had already?”

  Her shrug looked loosey-goosey on her shoulders. “Only a few fingers or more. It goes down really easy with a drop of lemon.” She pointed at the pitcher of lemon juice Aunt Zoe hadn’t finished making into lemonade. “Since I skipped breakfast, it started burning nice and warm right away.”

  “Oh, man,” I said, lowering my foot to the floor. “Don’t tell me Mom’s drunk already.”

  Harvey wheezed. “This just keeps gettin’ better.” He joined her at the counter. “So, do ya prefer I call ya ‘Ma,’ or would you rather I use your first name after I marry yer daughter?”

  “Hold up,” Dad said, giving Harvey a thorough once-over. “Is this your new boyfriend, Violet?”

  Aunt Zoe came stomping and snarling into the kitchen before I could answer my dad. “The nerve of that man to show up now with roses.” She tossed said flowers on the counter, grabbing a vase from the cupboard. “What gives him the right to get huffy about me kissing another man?”

  “He gave up that right years ago,” my dad said, cheering her on.

  “Damned right he did.” Aunt Zoe picked up the tequila bottle. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with enough of the liquor to knock a full-grown man on his ass. “If I want to get my heart kicked around again, I’ll give him a call. Until then, Reid Martin needs to back the hell off. I’m real tired of men getting in my head and messing everything up.”

  “I’ll drink to that,” my mother said, grimacing as her gaze darted back and forth between Harvey and me.

  I sighed. Dang it, things were going downhill like a runaway Olympic bobsled. I looked up at the clock. Where in the hell was Doc? He needed to show up on his white horse and whisk me away from this temporary bout of insanity.

  “Maybe you three should go set the dining room table,” I said. “Let Harvey and me—”

  The doorbell rang.

  Aunt Zoe swore.

  Mom giggled.

  Dad frowned at me. “You’d better get that.”

  I nodded, my toes stinging as I crossed the dining room floor. They were finally starting to thaw and now being poked with hundreds of tiny needles.

  I opened the door, ready to throw myself in Doc’s arms and tell him we had to make a run for it.

  Two police officers stood on the porch with their thumbs hooked in their utility belts.

  “Hey, Rocky,” the tall thin officer said, using an old nickname I’d earned after breaking Cooper’s nose. “You have a minute?”

  I stepped outside on the porch and closed the door behind me, staying on the scratchy welcome mat, which was a shade warmer than the frozen floorboards. “What’s going on?”

  “Is Natalie Beals here?”

  There was no use denying it since her truck was parked in front of the house. “Sure. Why? Are her parents okay?”

  The other cop nodded. “Everyone is fine. We sort of need to take her to the station for a little bit.”

  Sort of? “Why? What did she do?”

  “That’s police bu
siness, Ms. Parker. Could you go get her for us?” When I sputtered and started to object, he lifted his hand, silencing me. “I can see you’re having a party in there. Now, we can make this a big noisy deal that will upset everyone, or you can go get Natalie and we can slip away without anyone even noticing.”

  “Are you throwing her in jail?”

  The thin one snickered. “No, Rocky. That cell is reserved for you.”

  I balled my fists, my temper crackling and sparking. “That’s really funny, you overdressed meter maid.”

  “Calm down, Ms. Parker,” the other officer said. “Nobody is going to jail. We need to talk to Natalie down at the station for a few minutes, then we’ll bring her back to your get-together without causing a scene.”

  I looked back at the door, thinking about my mother and Aunt Zoe already hitting the bottle. The sooner I could make these two policemen go away, the better. “Fine. Wait right here. I’ll be out with her in a minute.”

  Inside, I raced up the stairs, slipping on one with my frozen foot and falling on my chin. “Son of a beeswax!”

  “Are you okay, Mom?” Addy asked from the top of the stairs.

  “I’m fine.” I got back to my frozen feet. “Where’s Natalie?”

  “She’s talking to Abe Lincoln’s ghost in the bathroom mirror.”

  In the mirror? What the hell?

  “Mom, why are there two policemen standing on the front porch.”

  I grabbed Addy as I passed, pulling her along with me. “They’re looking for a lost dog and need Natalie’s help.”

  “How sad. Kelly and I can help, too,” Addy offered.

  “No, they only want Natalie.”

  Sure enough, I found Natalie and Cornelius standing in the bathroom looking at each other in the mirror. I started to ask what in the ever-lovin’ Hades they were doing, but then shook my head. We had a bigger problem. I closed the door in Addy’s face.

  “Natalie,” I whispered, turning on the bathtub faucet to drown out my voice in case Addy was listening under the door. “You have company.”

  Cornelius looked from the bath to me. “Is bathing together one of your pre-dinner family traditions? Because I’m not sure all three of us can fit in that small tub.”