The List

by Siobhan Vivian

  Principal Colby is new and, so far as Margo can tell, the youngest faculty member at Mount Washington High School. She’s dressed in a red pencil skirt and a cream silk blouse with tiny yellow beads for buttons. Her dark hair is gathered in a low ponytail, except for her bangs, which Margo notices are kept long and shaggy in the way that is featured in lots of magazines right now.

  Some in her group have said that Principal Colby could be Margo’s older sister. But now, up close, Margo thinks Maureen, her actual older sister, is prettier.

  “Margo. I’d like to talk to you about this list. Do you have a minute?”

  Margo expects this to be a quick conversation, if that is even the right word for it. She tongues her watermelon gum down in her cheek and tells Principal Colby that she doesn’t know anything about it.

  Principal Colby narrows her eyes. “Well, Margo … you know that you’re on the list, right?”

  The suspicion in Principal Colby’s voice catches Margo off guard, and it suddenly feels funny to be smiling. Like it gives the wrong impression of her. She threads some of her soft hair behind her ear. “Yes,” she admits. “Someone mentioned it in homeroom.”

  Actually, Jonathan Polk, who had been cast as the lead in Pennies from Heaven, drowned out the morning announcements by performing the list as a monologue. Afterward, he tried unsuccessfully to coax Margo into taking a bow. It is nice, being on the list again. She’d been on it freshman year, Dana sophomore year, and Rachel last year, when they were juniors. That’s when her sister, Maureen, had also been on the list, and then, five days later, was picked as homecoming queen, which was the way things usually went.

  Margo had thought about texting Maureen at college with the good news, but decided against it.

  It has been weeks since they’ve spoken.

  Principal Colby produces a copy of the list from a small pocket at her hip. It has been folded several times to fit, like a piece of origami. “Since I’m new here, I was hoping you could shed some light on what this is, exactly. Fill me in.”

  Margo gives a light shrug. “I don’t know. It’s just a weird school tradition, I guess.” It feels strange to be talking openly about the list with school faculty. Margo is almost positive the teachers at Mount Washington know about it. How could they not? The ones who’ve grown up here, like Mrs. Worth, could have even been on it back in the day! But they tolerate it in the name of tradition, like Margo said. Or maybe, she realizes, they just don’t care.

  “And you have no idea who is behind it?”

  Dana and Rachel are lurking a few steps away, trying to eavesdrop. Margo says, “No,” as confidently as she can.

  Principal Colby regards her skeptically. “Do you know any of the other girls on the list?” She offers her copy of the list to Margo, but Margo keeps her hands clasped behind her back.

  “A couple, I guess.”

  “Would you agree with the ones who were picked? Or would you have picked different girls?”

  “Principal Colby, I haven’t even seen the actual paper before right now. I don’t know anything else. Really.”

  Instead of believing her, Principal Colby waves off Rachel and Dana, who have inched a little too close. “Go on, ladies. You don’t want to be late.”

  As her friends disappear down the stairs, Margo is guided over to the wall. She recognizes Principal Colby’s perfume as one of the bottles on her dresser, but decides not to comment on it. “Am I in trouble?” she asks.

  “No,” Principal Colby says. Which, to Margo, should be the end of it, but she goes on. “I’m wondering how you plan to respond.”

  “Respond?”

  “You seem like the kind of girl who has influence around here, Margo, and how you choose to deal with the list will have an effect on your peers.” Principal Colby pushes up her sleeves and folds her arms. “This is a sick tradition, don’t you think? And I plan on getting to the bottom of who’s behind it. So if you know something, I would suggest you let me know right now.”

  Margo stares blankly. What does Principal Colby expect her to do? Confess? Rat someone out? Um, please. “I didn’t make up the list, Principal Colby. And I don’t know who did.”

  Principal Colby lets out a long sigh. “Think of the girls who are on the ugly side of things. Think of Jennifer, and how she must have felt this morning, seeing her name on the list for the fourth year in a row.”

  I heard Jennifer was pretty psyched is what Margo wants to say. That’s what she’d been told, anyhow. But Margo doesn’t want to think of Jennifer. Not at all. If there was one sucky thing about this morning, it was finding out that Jennifer was on the list, too. It made Margo feel like she was living the drama of freshman year all over again.

  Margo starts backing up. “I’ll think about it. I promise.”

  She makes it halfway down the stairs before she has to stop and catch her breath. Principal Colby was so suspicious. It was as if she’d heard something.

  Margo arrives at the cafeteria with cheeks brighter than the heat lamps burning red over the casserole special. Feeling slightly dizzy, she grabs a bottle of water and, aware that her hands are shaking, attempts to tide the miniature waves breaking against her lips with careful, measured sips. Margo pays for her lunch and then walks to where Rachel and Dana are sitting with Matthew, Ted, and Justin. On the way over, she passes a few tables of underclassmen. She senses them looking at her and quickly puts on a smile.

  “What was that about?” Dana asks.

  Margo falls into her seat. “I don’t know. Principal Colby’s all worked up over the list.” She fights the urge to look at Matthew to see if he’s heard.

  Of course he has.

  Rachel cups her hands and whispers, “Does she think you wrote it?” in a hissy voice that everyone can hear.

  “God, no.” Margo quickly follows this statement with a breezy laugh. Underneath the table, she wipes her sweaty palms on her skirt, smoothing down the pleats. “Definitely not.”

  “I’d put Principal Colby on the list,” Justin says, and licks his lips before taking a bite of hoagie.

  Dana throws a napkin at him. “Ew.”

  Ted leans back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head. He’s got on a plaid button-down, collar popped, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He says, “Why’s it such a big deal? I mean, the list doesn’t say anything that everyone isn’t already thinking. We all have eyes. We know who’s hot and who’s not.”

  Rachel taps a finger on her temple. “That’s funny. I seem to remember you were sweating that freshman Monique Jones pretty hard after she got on the list last year.”

  “Busted,” Justin says and gives Rachel a high five.

  The tips of Ted’s ears turn bright red. “The list had nothing to do with that,” he argues, louder than he needs to. “I always thought Monique was hot. She freaking modeled, dudes. The list just gave me a reason to go and introduce myself.”

  Matthew pulls his sweatshirt hood up over his buzzed head. “Who wants to play me in Ping-Pong?”

  He’d worn his blond hair long and floppy throughout high school, but decided to cut it short late this summer. None of the other girls liked it, but it reminded Margo of fourth grade, when Matthew first moved to Mount Washington. They’d been assigned desks next to each other, and Matthew appeared intrigued with her collection of tiny rubber erasers, which she kept in a pencil box. He’d always sit on his feet when she’d bring out the pencil box, trying to look inside as she picked which one she wanted to use. Around Christmas, she bought him a football eraser and slipped it secretly into his desk. Margo never saw him use it. She likes to imagine that maybe he still has it.

  Dana shakes her head, confounded. “Principal Colby needs to relax. Next thing you know, she’s going to institute a ‘No Freak Dancing’ rule for homecoming dance.” She takes a sip of her iced tea and then adds, “Hey, speaking of freaks, did any of you guys see Sarah Singer parading down the hall with UGLY written on her forehead?”

  “What a rebel
,” Rachel says, rolling her eyes.

  Matthew pushes away from the table. “Come on, Ted, play me. I want a rematch.”

  “One ass beating, coming right up.” As Ted collects his garbage on his tray, he leans down over Margo’s shoulder and says, “I think you’re going to make a beautiful homecoming queen, Margo. And if I’m lucky enough to be your king, you should know right now that I’m not letting go of you the entire night.”

  Matthew groans. “Come on! Lunch is almost over.”

  Margo answers, “Um, thanks, Ted,” and tries not to appear disappointed at Matthew’s non-reaction. Maybe he hasn’t heard that she’s on the list?

  Ted perches himself on the corner of the table. “I mean, don’t you think it’s funny that we’ve never hooked up? Homecoming might be fate bringing us together. I mean, I’ve always thought you and I would make a good —”

  “Dude!” Matthew calls out, cupping his hands. “Let’s go!”

  Ted shakes his head. “Whatever. I’ll talk to you later, Margo.”

  Rachel stares at Ted as he walks away and whispers, “Ted is such a list fucker! I mean, could he be any more transparent?”

  Margo watches Matthew reach for the Ping-Pong paddles, which are kept on top of the soda machine. The two of them have never been single at the same time before. She tended to date older guys, guys who could get her friends beer and who had cars. Matthew dated younger girls, the sweet girls who did well at school and were friendly to everyone. Girls from his church. Margo didn’t go to church.

  “Anyway … as I was saying, the only one I feel bad for is Jennifer.” Dana spins in her seat and scans the tables behind her. “Look at her. Even the chorus girls have abandoned her.”

  Though she doesn’t want to, Margo looks. Jennifer is across the room, sitting at a table full of other kids, but she isn’t with anyone.

  “Do you buy her whole happiness act?” Dana asks.

  “No way.” Rachel bites into a fry. “It has to be a cover. I mean, four years of being the ugliest in your class? How do you not kill yourself?”

  “I give her credit. If I were Jennifer, there’s no way I could walk into school like she did and hold my head high,” Dana says. And then she whispers, “Remember at the junior picnic, when someone whipped that hot dog at Jennifer’s head? And Jennifer was laughing, like it was funny? Ted never copped to it, but I know he did it. I saw him. A-hole.”

  Rachel shakes her head in disgust. “She probably deals with that kind of crap every day.”

  The girls watch Jennifer pick at her sandwich. Two younger boys, obviously freshmen, pass behind her as they carry their trays to the wash line. As they do, they point Jennifer out to friends across the cafeteria and make gagging faces. Jennifer is oblivious to it.

  Rachel throws down her fry. “That’s it. I’m going to ask Jennifer if she wants to sit with us today.”

  Margo reaches out to stop Rachel from getting up. “Come on. No.”

  Rachel stares down the two freshmen boys as they walk back to their table. “I don’t like those little turds thinking they can make fun of Jennifer because she’s on the list. Don’t they have any respect for the fact that she’s a senior? If she’s with us, they wouldn’t dare say anything.”

  Margo sighs. “No one cares about hanging out with us that much.” But she knows that isn’t true. Especially when it comes to Jennifer.

  “Huh. Easy for the prettiest senior girl to say.”

  “Shut up, Rachel. You’ve been on the list, too. Both of you. It’s not a big deal.”

  Dana cocks her head. “Yeah, but you’re the one who’ll get to be homecoming queen.”

  “That’s not a guarantee,” Margo says, even though it basically is. “And anyway, I don’t care about being homecoming queen.” Sure, it will be nice. But if Margo hadn’t made the list this morning, if it had been Rachel or Dana instead, she’d have been fine with it.

  Rachel pats Margo on the back. “Inviting Jennifer to hang out for half a lunch period isn’t going to kill you.”

  Margo pretends to concentrate on picking the lettuce out from her chicken wrap. It doesn’t surprise her how quickly the legs of Jennifer’s chair squeak against the floor.

  “Hey, Jennifer,” Dana says, sliding over so Jennifer can sit.

  “Hi,” Jennifer says. “I like your shirt, Dana. It’s so cute.”

  Dana grins down at her front. “Oh, thanks.”

  It’s quiet for a second. Margo glances over and sees Jennifer staring at her. “Hi, Margo,” Jennifer says, all bright and cheerful. “Congratulations on … you know.”

  “Thanks.”

  Rachel drums her nails against the table. “So, Jennifer. We wanted to tell you that we’re sorry that you’re on the list again this year.”

  Jennifer shakes her head, like it’s nothing. “Honestly, I’m used to it by now.”

  “Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to get used to something like that,” Dana says, pursing her lips. “Whoever made the list this year is a total sadist.”

  Margo thinks back to when senior year had just started. Dana got assigned a seat behind Jennifer in French II, and she complained every day for a week about the fat rolls on the back of Jennifer’s neck. Whenever Jennifer looked down at her textbook, the folds of skin would smooth out, and when she’d look up, they’d squeeze together, like a disgusting human accordion.

  It annoys her how easily Dana can forget the past.

  But it also makes Margo jealous. Because she can’t.

  t three o’clock, Danielle shuffles from her last class of the day to her locker. She collects her textbooks and her swim bag as slowly as possible, in no rush to get where she needs to be. Well, that’s not true. Danielle should be at swim practice with Hope. But she’d been instructed not to go to the pool.

  Everyone in English had looked up when Principal Colby knocked on the door. Danielle’s teacher welcomed her. Principal Colby didn’t say anything to him, she just looked around the room. When her eyes landed on Danielle, she walked over and said simply, “I’ll see you later.” This left the bulk of the explaining to the note card she placed on Danielle’s desk.

  TO THE GIRLS ON THE LIST:

  PLEASE REPORT TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY AFTER SCHOOL.

  THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING.

  PRINCIPAL COLBY

  Danielle bit the end of her pencil. What could Principal Colby want with all the girls on the list? Were they in trouble? Had Principal Colby figured out who had written it?

  Though her questions baited juicy answers, Danielle hardly cared to know them. Instead, she became aware of the boy sitting to her left, craning his neck as he tried to read the note. She quickly slid the card into her book and succumbed to humiliation for the second time that day.

  Her cheeks are still hot from it.

  Just then, Sarah Singer, the ugliest junior, passes by. Principal Colby is right behind Sarah, her hand pressing into Sarah’s back, forcing her forward. Sarah’s steps are comically laborious — flat-footed trudges, punctuated by tortured sighs, the toes of her sneakers dragging across the linoleum floor.

  Danielle had heard about this girl and the word she’d scrawled on her forehead, but this is the first time she sees it for herself. Part of her is impressed by Sarah’s toughness — a different Game Face than the one she’d worn today, when she pretended there was no list, that she hadn’t been on it. But the rest of her is humiliated knowing she is the same as Sarah. That all of Mount Washington will look at her and see the same word, whether or not it’s written on Danielle’s face.

  Danielle closes her locker and leans against it. It is the kind of hurt that feels permanent, more like a scar than a scab. Something she’ll always carry with her.

  “I was already off school grounds!” Sarah complains. “You can’t force me back inside once the day is over!”

  Either Principal Colby doesn’t hear Sarah or she doesn’t care to respond. Instead, she locks eyes with Danielle as she passes her and says, “Come o
n. You, too.”

  The other six girls are already in the principal’s office. The room is too small for there to be any order to where people sit, no division of space with the pretty girls in the chairs and the ugly girls against the wall, that sort of thing. It is crowded, uncomfortable for everyone.

  Abby is in one of the two chairs in front of Principal Colby’s desk. She scoots over, allowing a small patch where Danielle can squeeze in next to her. Danielle smiles faintly at the offer, but instead perches on the armrest.

  Candace is in the other chair, inched forward to the very edge of the seat, her weight tipping forward. She’s pulled herself up close to Principal Colby’s desk.

  Lauren sits on the radiator, her knees drawn to her chest, staring out the window.

  Bridget is on the couch.

  Margo sits next to her, hands folded in her lap.

  Jennifer slumps against a tall, black filing cabinet.

  Sarah won’t enter the office farther than the doorway, her arms crossed and defiant. She barely moves as Principal Colby squeezes past her.

  Once she settles behind her desk, the principal says, “I’m sure you’ve probably figured out why I’ve called you here.”

  If anyone knows Principal Colby’s intentions, no one says so. Margo wraps a strand of her hair around her finger. Bridget cracks her knuckles, tiny little pops. Jennifer scratches something stuck to her shirt.

  Principal Colby sighs. “Okay,” she continues. “I’ll spell it out.” She leans forward dramatically. “A terrible thing has happened to you girls today. And I think it would help if we talked about it as a group.”

  Candace snorts bitterly. Her legs are crossed, one shearling boot kicking the air rapid-fire. “Don’t you mean to four of us?” she quips. “I bet the prettiest girls had a great day.”

  Principal Colby shakes her head. “I meant exactly what I said, Candace. Something terrible happened to all of you girls. Someone took it upon himself or herself to single you out, give you a label, and present you as nothing more than the most superficial, subjective version of yourselves. And there are emotional consequences to that, regardless of which side of the coin you are on.”