by RH Tucker
“Yeah.” He shrugs as he slices turkey. “I know I’m busting your balls, but I got to thinking about it and …” He stops slicing and averts his gaze.
“What?”
“Dude, what you’re doing? Not to get all girly on you, but it’s nice. You know?” He scans the shop, meeting my eye line for a moment, before looking back down at the turkey. “I don’t know if I’m ever going to find someone I feel like that for.”
“Jacks, come on, man. Of course, you will.”
“I don’t know,” he responds, his face seemingly defeated. “I mean, look at me, Luc. Look around. This is my future.”
“What are you talking about? Your dad owns this place. He made it from nothing. And look at him, your mom’s smoking hot.”
“Gross, man.” He wrinkles his nose at me and I laugh.
“Seriously, though, you’re gonna be fine. Plus, if nothing else, I’ll support you by always buying my sandwiches from you.”
He smirks. “Thanks. Anyways, I just meant to say it’s cool, what you’re doing. I know I gave you crap in the beginning, but I really hope it works out for you.”
“Thanks, bro.”
“Here, on the house.” He hands me a sandwich.
My eyes flash to his dad, standing a few feet away, organizing a shelf. He rolls his eyes at his son, and Jackson looks back at him as if to say he didn’t know he couldn’t give away free sandwiches. Sam gives me a smiling nod.
“Thanks.”
I hang out at the deli another hour, just passing the time with Jackson, and wait for him to get off work. His dad let’s him go early, so we head over to my house and pick up all the supplies I’ve been storing in my garage before we make our way over to Jen’s backyard. I asked Nancy earlier in the day if I could set something up on their patio and she said it was fine. I also wanted to make sure Jen wasn’t going to be home, and she told me Jen got off work at nine. Apparently, she got a job at some makeup place.
I hang large sheets from the patio’s ceiling outside, which is shaped like a hanging canopy tent. Once the sheets are set up, I have an extended electric cord and begin to string up the small lights. They almost look like Christmas lights, but they’re smaller than that and they sparkle on and off every few seconds.
In addition to the globe, which I hang in the middle, I have other plastic orbs I’ve painted to look like planets. It’s small inside the tent, but after everything’s set up, I take a look around and nod in approval.
“Wow, this looks awesome,” Jackson says.
“Right?”
“You guys built something like this when you were kids?”
I shake my head. “We just had a basic sheet hanging from her bed, or sometimes we’d hang it between a couple chairs and her couch in the living room. It was for this game she liked playing.”
He looks down at his phone and checks the time. “It’s almost nine. I should probably get out of here.”
“Yeah, okay.” I give him a fist bump. “Thanks again, man. I don’t know if I would’ve gotten it all set up if you weren’t here.”
“No worries. Hope it goes the way you want it to.”
“Me too.”
Jackson takes off and I grab a patio chair, bringing it inside the tent, taking a seat. Now I have to wait and hope.
Chapter 28
Jen
I pull into my driveway about nine thirty and look over at Lucas’ house. It’s what I’ve been doing every day this week, ever since his gift and letter. And just like every other time I’ve looked over at his house, wondering what he’s doing, I shake the thought from my mind and try to remember why I won’t … no, why I can’t feel the things I once did for him. If things ever changed, I know I’d never recover.
As I walk inside, I see that Nancy’s already in her spot, watching TV. Today was my second day at my new job, which is a cute little makeup boutique and I really like it. It’s not super busy and I get discounts on some of the products.
“Hey, baby,” Nancy calls out to me. “How’d it go today?”
“It was fine,” I answer, leaning against the wall. “Although, we had these old ladies come in and wanted samples of every color blush we carry. I told them we only carried certain samples and then they threw this huge fit, wanting to speak to the manager. I thought I was going to get fired.”
“Jen, you didn’t do anything wrong. Why would they fire you?”
“I don’t know.” I look away, feeling embarrassed. “It’s my first job. I don’t know how these things work.”
She laughs. “Well, what’d your manager say?”
“The same thing I did. They looked like they wanted to murder her, but Ginger just folded her arms, telling them she thought they should leave, and they if they wanted free things, they should check the trash.”
“Nice.” Nancy smiles widely.
“Yeah.”
I’m not sure if I want to sit down and watch a couple episodes with Nancy or just head to my room, but before I can decide, my phone goes off.
Buttface: Hey, you home?
I smile at the phone for two reasons. One, because it’s Lucas and as much as I try to fight all the emotions I’m feeling, knowing it will probably only lead to heartache, I love that he’s texting me. And two, I need to remember to change his contact info back to his name.
Jen: Just got here. What’s up?
Buttface: Can we talk?
Jen: idk…
I bite my bottom lip, wondering if this is a good idea. Yes, I’ve wanted to see him since the letter, but seeing him means I’ll be face to face with him. Being that close would definitely not be a good idea if I plan on sticking to my decision.
Buttface: Pls???
I try to defuse my anxiety with a joke.
Jen: As long as you promise you don’t have any more Teddy Grahams. I don’t think I’ll be needing any for a while.
Buttface: Didn’t you read the letter?
I bite my lip. Not out of nervousness but remembering his words.
Jen: Yes
Buttface: Then you know I can’t keep that promise. I’ll ALWAYS get you Teddy Grahams :)
Great, now not even biting my lip can contain my smile.
Jen: Fine. When and where?
Buttface: Your backyard. Now ;)
I look up from my phone and see Nancy smiling at me.
“What’s going on?” I ask her with a grin. “Are you two working together or something?”
She shakes her head. “All I know is he’s been back there for hours doing something. He just asked if it was okay if he set something up. I have no idea what it is.”
I look away, down at my phone, and then to the ground. My smile falters and I knit my brows together. “Nancy, this is no good.”
“What’s no good?”
“I think I know what he’s trying to do, but I can’t … I can’t …”
“Jen, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But I think you owe it to yourself to be happy, don’t you?”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
I take a deep breath, finally admitting it to myself. At least, partially. “People change. People leave. That’s what they do. And if he ever did that, I don’t think I could recover from it.”
I don’t hear her get off the couch, but both of her hands are on my shoulders now. “For the record, I don’t think that Lucas would do that. But, if that’s how you really feel, then you should tell him that. At least let him know where your heart’s at.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You might be hurting him more by giving him false hope.”
And those are the words I hold on to as I make my way out to my backyard: false hope. I cling to them, as if they are a life raft and I’m being thrown around in a torrential storm in the ocean, because it’s the only thing I have. But it’s not because it’s true. It’s not false hope that I’d be giving him if I don’t tell him he needs to stop. It’s heartbreak. And it�
��s not his, it’s mine. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t get past it. I can’t think of any other outcome then what I’ve faced before. Then what he’s shown me before.
For a brief moment my decision is resolute. I know I have to tell Lucas to stop whatever it is he’s trying to do. But the moment flies into the night sky as I step on our patio and see an enormous sheet hanging from the patio ceiling. There’s a light shining inside, and I can see the shadow of a person inside the hanging tent.
I walk slowly around it, looking for an entrance, and then see where two ends meet. Walking inside, I’m blown away. It looks magical. Tiny little lights hang above and there are little glowing orbs. In the middle of the tent is a hanging earth. And standing underneath is Lucas.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Wow.” I cover my mouth. My eyes bounce around the tent and lights, then find his face, softly lit from them. “What is this?”
“You don’t remember?” He smirks, while I stare at him, confused. “Well, it’s not exactly the same as when we were younger, but I thought I’d enhance it a little bit.” He pulls out his phone and places it on the chair he was sitting on, but not before he starts playing a song. I don’t know what I expect, maybe one of his favorite country songs? What I don’t expect to play is what does; “You and Me” by Lifehouse.
“Do you remember?” He looks at me, raising a hand, silently asking for mine.
I swallow nervously, bobbing my head that I do. I close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday.
We were in my room, playing Space Adventure. Again, not a very clever or original name, but it’s what I called it. It was my game to get away, though he never knew that part. I liked to play it on days when I remembered my mom and wanted to just leave. Leave the house, the city, and the world. I wanted to visit the universe and forget about all the sad things that I couldn’t ever seem to forget. I played it by myself in the beginning. I don’t know when or how, but somewhere along the line, Lucas started joining me.
We’d get under a sheet and pretend like we were flying off on a grand space adventure. We’d visit Mars or Jupiter or make up entire other worlds and galaxies. Like Flowertopia, or Eggstadian, which was a planet covered entirely in eggs shells. You had to walk on your tiptoes, lest you broke all the shells you stepped on, and if you did that, the monster known as the Chomper Bot would come alive and we’d have to run for our lives.
But one day, we were playing, and I invented a new world; The World of Dances. I remember Lucas’s scowl when I told him the name.
“That’s stupid, Jen.”
“No, it’s magical,” I argued. “The World of Dances is a magical place where girls go when they get married.” I ran out of the tent, grabbed my iPod and headphones, bringing them back in. I plugged one earbud in my ear and handed him the other.
He stared at me, confused. “What are you doing?”
“Just put it in,” I reprimanded him, and he did as I told him. “Okay, now before I play this song, you have to know what the World of Dances is. It’s a place every girl goes to for their wedding.”
“Wedding?” He stuck his tongue out like he was going to be sick.
I scrolled through my iPod, looking for the song I wanted. “Yes. When they go to this world, every other planet around them glows. It’s glows bright, because the wedding is the girl’s day. It’s the day the girl gets everything she wants.”
Seven-year-old Lucas chuckled. “Jen, you always get everything you want.”
“Shush.” I shot him a look. “Anyways, all the planets around them glow, because the girl gets the light. And she gets to listen to any song she wants, and no matter what, nothing bad can happen to her on that day.”
Lucas slumped his head. “Fine, then what does the boy get?”
I smiled because I knew he wasn’t going to like my answer. “He gets to dance with her.”
He wrinkled his nose immediately. “Forget this, I’m going home.”
“No!” I held on to his hand tightly, keeping him from leaving as my voice cracked.
I didn’t want him to leave. He was my safe place. I can’t remember if I was crying or not, but I must have been on the verge of tears because what I do remember is his face. It softened and instead of me holding his hand, now he was holding mine. He brought up his arm and wrapped it over my shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay, don’t cry.”
“I’m not!”
“Okay,” he mumbled.
“Please, Lucas?” I finally found his eyes. “Just one dance?”
He looked around, nervously. “But I don’t know how to dance, Jen.”
“It’s okay,” I said, as I stepped closer to him. “I’ve seen it in movies. All we have to do is just stand here. Maybe move back and forth a little.”
He nodded and picked up the earbud, putting it in his ear. I turned on the song, “You and Me”―my favorite at the time―put the iPod in my pocket, and then hugged him. Not in the normal way a person hugs someone, but because I’d seen the girl lay her head on the guy’s chest in movies and thought that’s how people danced. So, I hugged him, and he hugged me back. And we just stepped side to side, swaying to Lifehouse.
I don’t know how I end up in Lucas’ arms now but I am. And just like I remember in all those movies, my head’s laying against his chest.
“I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get to visit the World of Dances,” he whispers, “so I had to make sure you took one last trip with me.”
My arms are around his neck, again unsure how they got there, but I feel his hands on me. He’s not holding me awkwardly, like he did all those years ago. His arms are around my waist, his fingers locked behind my back. I’ve wanted a dance like this with him for so long.
“I can’t believe you remember this,” I say, mostly in disbelief to myself.
“I told you Jen,” he says, and I feel his lips near my ear; his breath sending butterflies in and around me, “I remember everything. I also remember thinking it was so weird at the time.”
I let out a small laugh.
“But I didn’t say anything. You looked sad and I didn’t want to make you cry. So, I just stood there doing whatever I was doing. It wasn’t until sixth grade at our first middle school dance that I thought about that day again. I saw you dancing with Henry Peterson and I got so mad.”
“You did?” I finally lift my face from his chest and look up at him.
He nods. “I just kept wondering why you were dancing with him. He didn’t know about the World of Dances, I knew about it. I wanted to take you back there. Space Adventure was so much fun with you, I always liked it.” He lets out a chuckle. “I never told you this, but after we had our first kiss, I wanted to play it again.”
“What do you mean?”
“Okay, you might get weirded out by this, but keep in mind I was a growing and, uh, developing middle school boy. We hadn’t played Space Adventure for a couple years and I remember thinking I wanted to play one more time and visit the Galaxy of Kisses.”
We both laugh, and I swat his shoulder.
“I’ll go on any adventure you want me to, J-Girl. Whatever world or galaxy, no matter how far, I’ll be there. With you, side by side.”
“You and Me” comes to the end and then starts again. I don’t know how long it’s been playing, and for a moment I wish it would play forever. I wish I could just stand here, my arms around him, dancing to the song I thought would be my wedding song, forever. But forever isn’t real.
“I loved this game,” my voice breaks, “but I don’t think you know why I loved it so much.”
I look up at him again and can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks.
“Jen,” he whispers, raising a hand to my cheek and wiping them away.
I reach up and grab his hand, holding it to my face. “It’s okay. Lucas, I loved playing this game because I could get away. I could leave my house and go anywhere. Anywhere I wanted, even if it was some made up place in my mind. I could leave everyo
ne behind and forget everything.”
He stares at me, creasing his brow. “What do you mean?”
“And then one day I dragged you into my adventure and it was even better. I had a friend with me. A boy who I had a crush on since I moved next door to him. But even then, I never told you why I played the game. And you couldn’t have known tonight, doing all this, would just remind me why sometimes I still want to get away.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Trying to gather every ounce of strength I have left, I stare at him. “I played this game because I didn’t want to remember that I wasn’t loved.”
“That’s not true. Jen, I―”
“No, please.” I put my hand to his mouth. “Please, I need you to know this. You need to know why we can’t be together, no matter how much I may want that some days. I’m scared, Lucas.”
“Jen, I love you. I do, please, you have to know I’m telling the truth.”
I nod. “I do know. But so did my mom. At least, that’s what Nancy tells me. I’m still trying to figure out if I believe it or not. But Nancy swears she did, and then she left. She left me, Lucas, and that’s not even the worst part, even though it should be. She dropped me off on my aunt’s door step and I never heard from her or saw her again. She never called. She never wrote. She never even sent me a birthday card. And it’s because she never wanted me. I was a mistake.”
My tears are flowing, but my voice is even. It’s as if a calm washes over me and I know I should be bawling hysterically, but there aren’t any more emotions to go crazy over. There are only my tears.
“I heard her tell Nancy the day she left that she didn’t want me, that I was a mistake. That she wished she’d listened to other people and …” I shake my head, not wanting to repeat anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Jen. She has no idea of the beautiful, loving, caring, and amazing person you are.”
“Yeah.” I lean my head on his chest. I do it for comfort. I do it so I can take in his scent one more time. Because I know after I say what I’m about to, I probably won’t have this chance again. “But that’s why we can’t be whatever I once thought we could be.”
