by RH Tucker
“Please don’t say that. I won’t leave you.”
“You already did.” He recoils, searching my face. “All those years again. I know it’s stupid and we were young, and it shouldn’t even matter, but somehow, to me it does. Because I’m terrified of you doing it again. I’m scared that if you do, I won’t be able to come back from that.”
“Jen, what can I do? Please, tell me what I can do to prove to you―”
“Nothing. There’s nothing either of us can do. And it’s not because I don’t believe you and it’s not because I don’t want this. I believe you. But my mom felt like she could be a mom for a few years until the day came that she couldn’t. Until one day she finally figured out it wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it. You say you love me right now and I believe it. God, how I believe it and I want it. But what happens next week? Next month? Next year? What if things change or I change, or you change, and you don’t want me anymore?” He opens his mouth to speak, but I raise my hand to it again, shaking my head. “Right here? Right now? I know you love me and, Lucas, I’ve wanted to tell you forever that I love you. I’ve always loved you. But if something ever happened and that love wasn’t enough, I don’t think I could survive that. To know I wasn’t enough for someone else I loved. That’d destroy me.”
I know I shouldn’t, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be this close to him again, so I look up into those dark emerald eyes that I’ve been in love with nearly my entire life. Reaching my hands up, I pull him closer and he rests his forehead against mine. I hear a sniff, but I don’t know if it’s him or me. Pulling him even closer, I feel his lips meet mine and it’s a bittersweet feeling of finality. Our tears, our lips, our tongues; all meeting.
I finally let go of him and step away. I walk to the edge of the tent and out of our Space Adventure and don’t look back. I can’t. Because feeling his tears on my lips is devastating, and if I see them on his face, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it.
Chapter 29
Lucas
It’s been weeks since I’ve seen or talked to her. The first day, after she told me about her mom and all her fears, I was in bad shape. I didn’t want to do anything, because I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to change her mind. And I hated myself because I wasn’t the one with all this emotional baggage that tormented me, she was. But I still felt horrible. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone as much as I hate myself for that one stupid mistake. Because I unknowingly set this all up a long time ago and now it finally caught up to me. Now, the dominoes are falling, and I can’t do a damn thing to stop them.
School’s started and I should be excited or nervous or even anxious. But I’m none of those things. As I walk on to campus for the first day, I can see everyone else looking around in wonder. All the freshmen who think these next four years of school are going to be times filled with laughter, parties, and finding yourself. I thought the same thing a few months ago. Now I just wish I could be home and under my sheets, ignoring the world. Ignoring everything I come into contact with because, in some form or another, everything I come in to contact with reminds me of her.
“Dude, did your dog die?” Jackson frowns at me when I walk into the deli. “Wait, do you even have a dog? I’ve never seen one at your house.”
“No. Rich is allergic.”
“Oh.” He stares at me. “Death in the family?”
“Stop being an idiot.”
“Seriously, man,” he chuckles, but it’s not humorous. More like someone trying to cheer me up. “You look horrible. Classes that hard?”
“Yeah, something like that.” I nod and look around, grabbing a small bag of chips.
I know he knows I’m lying, but he doesn’t say anything. “Anyways, I’m off in thirty. Let’s hit up a movie or something.”
I shrug, as I eat a chip. “Eh, I’m not in the mood.”
“Come on, that new spy movie is out. It looks cool.”
“I’m just not up for a movie.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, busying himself behind the counter as I take a seat at a table.
I stare out of the window of the deli for a while, eating the bag of chips, when my phone chimes and I pull it out to see a text message from Carter.
Carter: Yo!! You weren’t in Pysch today?
Yeah, I might have already skipped a class or two.
Me: Yeah. What’s up?
Carter: Movie starts at 7. We’ll get grub after.
Me: What?
Carter: Jackson texted. Said you’re down to go
“Jacks!” I yell at him, but I look over to find him gone. “Damn it.”
Me: Dude, I’m not feeling a movie.
Carter: He said you’d say that. You’re coming.
Me: No. I’m not.
Carter: I’ll pick you up @ 630. He said he’d meet us there
Me: I’m not going
No answer.
Me: I’m NOT going. I won’t be home.
Still no answer
Jackson appear next to me. “Sorry.”
“What the hell, dude?”
“Man, you need to get out of this funk. And that’s not going to happen with you wallowing at home twenty-four-seven. I know it sucks and all, but―”
“But nothing.”
“Luc, what are you going to do? You gonna stop living your life now?”
I don’t answer him. I don’t even look at him, I just shake my head, staring out the window.
“You know, you told me one time to work through it. You remember that?”
“This isn’t the same thing.”
“No shit. But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to work through this. Because, like you told me, what are you going to do, Lucas? Sit on your ass and do nothing for the rest of your life?”
I finally look over at him. He’s become one of my best friends, but I still want to tell him to leave me alone, go screw himself, or just shut up. But I can’t, because I know he’s only telling me the truth. And honestly, it’s not stuff I haven’t been trying to convince myself of.
I give him a knowing nod, meeting his eyes for a moment, before grabbing another chip.
“By the way, you owe me two bucks for the bag of chips.”
My jaw drops. “What?”
“My dad says I can hook you up with one sandwich a week, but the chips are common sellers and last week you cleaned us out of Doritos.”
“My bad.” I give him an apologetic look.
“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home, save on the Uber.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me,” he chuckles. “You can pay for my movie ticket.”
“Dude, you’re the one with the job.”
“And you’re the one eating all my sandwiches.”
“Fair enough.”
By the time Carter picks me up, I’m feeling uneasy because I didn’t ask him if Emma was going. If she is, that means that Jen might be there, and I really don’t know how I’ll handle it if she is. Carter must sense my apprehension, as I slowly open the car door and get in the passenger seat.
“Emma and Jen are doing a girl’s night.”
“Cool.” I nod and try to act like I wasn’t just thinking about it.
“Dude, I feel like we haven’t hung out in forever. We even have two classes together and I never see you.”
“Yeah, I usually sit in the back.”
He just nods. Carter was one of my best friends through high school, but it feels like I’ve not only drifted apart from him, but from everyone else, too. I haven’t hung out with Matt, Jackson’s been the only regular in my life, and even that’s been spotty lately. Carter pulls into the parking lot, and I’m just hoping I can try and enjoy the evening.
Walking into the theatre, we meet up with Matt and Jackson. Izzy’s standing next to them, along with her two friends.
“Dude,” Jackson whispers, nudging me with his elbow. “That Asian girl is cute.”
I’ve met her once before. I think h
er name is Cindy. “Yeah, she’s okay.” I glance in her direction while they talk to Carter.
“What do you think?” Jackson asks.
“What do you mean?”
I’m not sure what he says next because walking in, on the other side of the building, is Emma and Jen. I feel my body go cold. They don’t see me, but I see them, as Emma says something to her and Jen giggles. This absolutely sucks.
“Damn, sorry,” Carter says as he sees what I’m looking at. “I didn’t know they were coming to the movies, too.”
“No, it’s cool.” I try to play it off and I’m sure I fail miserably, because Matt walks over to us.
“Hey, you guys just want to go grab some food. Yard House is next door.”
“No,” I scoff. “This is stupid. You guys, this is dumb. I’m fine. Let’s just see the movie.”
“You sure?” Jackson looks over at me.
It’s at this moment I see everyone staring at me. Carter and Jackson, almost like they are unsure if I’m going to fall apart. Matt has an expression like he thinks I’m crazy, Izzy looks like she wants to hug me, and her friends are both staring at me like my grandmother died. She did die, when I was eight. It was sad, but this is a different kind of hurt. And what sucks even more, is I cried while Jen hugged me after the funeral. Now I’m thinking about Jen again. Damn it. My life is a never-ending cycle of memories of Jen and I’m never going to get rid of them.
“Seriously, it’s okay, Lucas,” Izzy speaks up. “I’m kind of hungry myself.”
I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s the fact that everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around me. Or maybe it’s me finally getting mad at myself for feeling like this. Or, and this is probably it, that Izzy is now commenting on my total and complete hang-up and she knows next to nothing about our history. So, I snap.
“Damn it, you guys, I’m fine!”
I immediately cringe, squeezing my eyes shut and grind my teeth.
“Hey, easy,” Matt says, because even though I addressed the words to everyone, Izzy was the target of the venom.
“Sorry,” I say to everyone then look at Izzy. “Sorry, Isabel. Seriously, I’m good you guys. Let’s just see the movie.”
“All right,” Carter says, albeit hesitantly.
The movie’s good. Or it sucks. I really couldn’t tell you. I tried to watch it, but the moment I sat down, my eyes roamed the theatre, wondering if it was the same movie Jen was seeing. I spent the first fifteen minutes looking around. Even worse is the theatre isn’t very full. Twenty people sitting down, max. But I still scanned each person at least three times.
Once I’m done analyzing everyone in the theatre, my mind roams. Wondering what movie she’s watching, and why she looked so happy when I saw her walk in. The wandering thoughts then turn to anger as I stew in my seat, wondering what the hell she had to giggle about with Emma, while I’m torn up. How could she be so flippant, when I can barely get my mind on right?
The anger’s still bubbling as we leave the theatre and head next door to get something to eat. Right when we walk in, I see Emma and Jen walk in the opposite direction, toward a café. Without saying a word, I leave the group and head toward them.
“Lucas?” I hear Matt behind me, as everyone else is waiting for a server to seat us.
“Yo, Luc!” Carter calls out. Then he must see what I see. “No. Lucas, don’t! Jackson, go get him.”
I make my way toward the café doors just before they go inside. “Jen.”
“Oh, hey,” she says quietly, as she looks to the ground.
“Having a good night?” I ask, but it comes out condescending.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, just wanted to check, because you looked like you were all smiles earlier.”
“Lucas, leave it alone,” Emma says.
“This has nothing to do with you.” I point at her, then look back at Jen. “What the hell, Jen? I’m dying over here, and you just act like nothing happened?”
“Lucas, don’t …”
“Don’t?” I let out an incredulous scoff. “Don’t. Right, sure. That may be easy enough for you, but I handed you my heart on a silver fucking platter, and you basically said ‘no thanks’. So, excuse me if I’m a little on edge.”
Silence not only drifts between us, but all around. I hear a gasp and realize all of our friends are standing around us. I should feel embarrassed airing everything out like this, but I’m not. I’m just angry.
“But you know, I guess it’s no big deal.”
“Luc, stop.” Her words are barely more than a whisper.
“Stop? Oh, that’s great, yeah. Stop. Sure, I’ll stop.” I put a finger to my chin. “Oh yeah, that’s right, I can’t stop. Because every memory I have seems to revolve around you. And even when it doesn’t, somehow it makes me think of you. I’d have to move halfway around the world, to get rid of everyone in my life that is somehow connected to you, and even then, it won’t be enough, because my dreams will still be there, day and night. But oh no, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it because you can’t, right? You can’t get past something I did four years ago, right? You can’t even try to think how good something could be, because you’re too damn scared of something that might happen.”
“Please …” she whispers again but I can’t stop. I know I should, even as I see the tears roll down her face, but the words are just flying out. It’s like a flood of emotions, a dam breaking that won’t slow down.
“Please? What’s please, supposed to mean to you, Jen? Or are you the only one who gets to ask please and have someone else listen? Because you’re too scared to look at something that could be great, but only think of the bad. All because of something someone did in the past, and you can’t get over it. Well, thank you, Jen. Thank you. Because now I know the feeling. Now I know what it’s like to never be able to get over something.”
She just stands there. Still silent, still crying. And now, with it all off my chest, I should feel relieved. But instead, I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. And then she speaks, making me feel worse.
She sniffs, keeping her eyes pointed to the ground. “You’re right. I’m not brave enough, Lucas. Sorry if that’s not good enough for you. I thought you, of all people, would understand. Not because you know how it feels to have a parent who’s supposed to love you leave, but because you’re you, Lucas. And no matter what, you were always there for me. I didn’t need to explain it to you in the past, I just cried, and you were there. You accepted me, however I was feeling, for anything that was going on.” She finally looks up, her eyes red, cheeks stained with tears. “I’m sorry I can’t be what either of us want.”
She turns and runs in the opposite direction as Emma steps to me, staring me down.
“Just so you know, when we were laughing earlier, we were fake laughing.”
“Fake laughing?”
“She’s been trying to get over everything, too. It’s been horrible. When I walked through the doors I told her movies always cheers us up. She said, ‘oh yeah, a movie makes it all better’ and gave me a stupid giggle, before frowning and holding back tears throughout the entire movie. She hates that she’s so scared. So, you’re not the only one hurting, okay, asshole?”
Before I can even think of a reply, Emma turns around and runs after Jen. I nervously look around and see the rest of my friends staring at me. The expressions on their faces is the same one I’m feeling on the inside. What the hell is wrong with me?
Chapter 30
Jen
Emma doesn’t say a word on the drive home. We came to the movies in my car, but she drives us home. I rub my hands together, trying to get them to stop shaking, while tears still run down my face. We planned on her staying over for the night, so I’m thankful that I don’t have to drop her off and drive home alone. It’s only a five-minute drive, but even ten seconds alone might make me crazy.
I want to be mad at Lucas for everything. Or, if for nothin
g else, for making a scene like he did. And I want to be mad at myself, for being so afraid. For thinking the horrible what-ifs that might never come to pass, if it wasn’t for that one day, hearing those words from my mom. But I’m not mad. I’m just broken.
We don’t talk much before we go to sleep. Before she leaves in the morning, she asks me if I’m okay and I tell her yes, but I don’t know if and when I’ll ever be okay. She gives me another hug and tells me to call or text if I need anything.
I get up to use the bathroom and when I come back to my room, Nancy is sitting on the edge of my bed. I give her an embarrassed smile, crawl past her, and wrap my comforter around me. For a moment I think she’s going to lay down with me and snuggle close. She hasn’t done it for ages, but it’s something she used to do when I was younger and got scared of something. Instead, she just sits there quietly, rubbing my leg.
“So, the movie was that bad, huh?” she says, softly.
“I don’t remember the movie.”
“How come?”
“Because I was too busy thinking about Lucas and how he used to have a crush on the main actress. Then, I was too busy getting yelled at by him afterward.”
“What?”
I look away, shaking my head, hoping I can forget it as soon as possible. She sits there, quietly, and I have to reach up and dry my eyes again. “This sucks.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “Jen, is fear really the only thing holding you back?” I stare up at her, unsure why she’s asking me this. “Like, it’s not something or someone else?”
“There is nothing else, Nancy. No one else. She left. She was supposed to be here, and she just left. How can I ever trust anyone else to be better, when she’s the one who should’ve been the best?”
