The Boy Is Back + Every Boy's Got One Bundle
Page 4
Carly Stewart
Marshall isn’t taking the news about your parents too well, Reed.
Reed Stewart
So I see. But they’re home now, right?
Marshall Stewart
Oh, they’re home. Didn’t you get Trimble’s email?
Reed Stewart
Yeah, I got it, but I didn’t read it. Trimble never sends me anything but hate mail ever since she found out I have access to a private plane and decided it would be an appropriate Christmas present from me to fly her, Tony, and their kids to Aspen. I thought a $25 iTunes gift card was a good enough Christmas present for each of the kids instead. Trimble called me a bad uncle. We agreed to disagree.
Carly Stewart
YOU HAVE A PRIVATE PLANE????
Reed Stewart
No. Trimble THINKS I do because she saw on some TV show that pro golfers fly private to their tournaments. And it’s true sometimes we’ll all chip in and rent a plane because we’re not going to risk losing our clubs by flying commercial and having to check them. But that doesn’t mean I’m dumb enough to buy my own plane. My finance guy would kill me. He says the two worst things a man can waste his money on are yachts and private planes. Both of them are just holes you end up throwing cash into because they’re always broken.
Marshall Stewart
Wow, Reed, it is so fascinating to sit here and read about the financial woes of a multimillionaire professional athlete. Please, tell us more.
Carly Stewart
Marshall, come on. You know he didn’t mean it like that. And I’m the one who asked about the plane.
Reed Stewart
For your information, Marshall, the reason I have a financial advisor is so I can make sure I have enough money set aside to start a line of junior golf schools someday.
Marshall Stewart
Junior golf school? Where’d you come up with that one?
Reed Stewart
Come on, Marshall. You know what it was like in that house, especially between me and the Judge. Golf is the only thing that kept me sane—well, one of the things. In the end, it saved me—literally. I think more kids should be able to experience the game, and the only way that’s going to happen is if it’s made more accessible and less expensive. I want to start an after-school program that does just that. Plus I’m getting tired of always being on the road, living out of suitcases, laying my head down on a different pillow every night.
Carly Stewart
Oh, Reed. That’s so sweet.
Marshall Stewart
Sweet? Are you kidding me? Are you actually falling for that cheesy line, Car?
Carly Stewart
What are you talking about?
Marshall Stewart
Reed, how often does that “tired of always being on the road, living out of suitcases” line work to get you laid?
Reed Stewart
Surprisingly often.
Marshall Stewart
I rest my case. My brother is a monster.
Reed Stewart
But a lovable one.
Carly Stewart
Would you two stop it? We’re not here to talk about Reed’s sex life. We’re here to talk about your parents. Did you seriously not read Trimble’s email, Reed?
Reed Stewart
I skimmed it.
Marshall Stewart
Skimmed it???? Our parents are apparently broke and possibly suffering from dementia, and you skimmed it.
Reed Stewart
Yeah, that’s the part I’m not understanding. How the hell can they be broke? Trimble bragged in her Christmas e-newsletter about how proud she was to be pulling in over six figures a year in her private practice with The Judge.
Carly Stewart
Ew! I forgot she did that. And showed photos of her and Tony and their precious darlings on that ski trip to Aspen. Which she did manage to get to, despite Reed cruelly refusing to fly them there in his nonexistent private plane.
Marshall Stewart
Well, unfortunately, none of us thought to check what Mom and Dad were doing with their share of that money.
Reed Stewart
Evidently leasing new Mercedes and paying way too much for commemorative stamps of George Washington.
Carly Stewart
Don’t forget playing Publishers Clearing House scratch-offs. That was my favorite part.
Reed Stewart
It sounds like some of this has been going on for a while. How is it that we’re only finding out about it now?
Carly Stewart
We’re not. Some of us have known about it for quite a while. But others of us have been in complete denial and refused to admit anything is wrong because he wants to avoid conflict at all cost, especially with your dad.
Marshall Stewart
That isn’t fair. How were we supposed to know any of this was going on? Mom and Dad won’t even let us into the house anymore since Carly dared to mention it wasn’t smelling as fresh as it used to since they fired Rhonda.
Reed Stewart
THEY FIRED RHONDA?
Carly Stewart
I told you we should have waited to tell him in person, Marshall.
Marshall Stewart
How would we do that when he never COMES HERE? We only see him once a year—if that—when we go to LA to see him, or he plays at a course nearby.
Reed Stewart
How could they fire Rhonda? Rhonda’s been working for them since we were kids! Where am I going to get baked chicken exactly the way I like it if they fired Rhonda?
Marshall Stewart
Yes, Reed, as always, this is all about you. And your stomach.
Carly Stewart
I know what you mean, Reed. And as far as we can tell, your parents fired Rhonda after 25 years of exemplary service because of your dad buying 800 antique judge’s gavels from another collector of vintage courtroom memorabilia he met in Terre Haute.
Reed Stewart
Excuse me?
Marshall Stewart
Oh yes, you didn’t know? Dad says he got a really great deal on them because the seller “had no idea what he was doing.”
Reed Stewart
What is Dad going to do with 800 antique judges gavels?
Marshall Stewart
Dad says he plans to sell them for three times as much as he paid for them. He says between those and his stamp collection, which as you know he’s been working on for years, he’s going to be a MILLIONAIRE.
Reed Stewart
And it never occurred to you that this was slightly odd?
Carly Stewart
THANK YOU!!! You see, Reed? You see what I have to live with on a daily basis?
Marshall Stewart
Dad’s always been a little bit eccentric! Remember when he and Mom used to let us ride our bikes to Dairy Queen when I was 11 and you were 7?
Reed Stewart
Yes. How was that eccentric?
Marshall Stewart
Reed, the nearest Dairy Queen was twelve miles away.
Reed Stewart
So you’re saying they’ve always been this way, and firing Rhonda over a bunch of gavels makes perfect sense to you?
Carly Stewart
Your parents explained to me that they had to fire Rhonda because they didn’t need a cook anymore once they got rid of the stove, which they did to make room for the washer and dryer, which they brought up from the basement to make space for all the gavels.
Reed Stewart
Was any of that supposed to make sense?
Marshall Stewart
It does when you think about it.
Reed Stewart
No. No, Marshall, it does not. Where is the stove now?
Carly Stewart
It WAS sitting out in the front yard with the turkey carcasses until Rhonda had her sons come and load it onto a truck and take it to their church. Rhonda said if the Judge wanted to act crazy, that was his business, but she knew of some non-crazy people who could still a
ppreciate good home cooking.
Reed Stewart
Wait. What turkey carcasses?
Marshall Stewart
Carly, you know what the therapist said. ‘Crazy’ is a dehumanizing term. Mom and Dad, like Bailey, just do things a little bit differently than everyone else, and some people, such as our darling sister and maybe the Bloomville police, judge them a little too harshly for it.
Reed Stewart
What therapist? You guys are seeing a therapist???
Carly Stewart
Yes, because your older brother is living in complete denial, Reed. Your parents need help but refuse to get it because they don’t see that there’s a problem. And certain members of your family only see it’s a problem when it’s made public, like now. But even then they only want to sweep it under the rug to make it go away, not actually take steps to solve it.
Marshall Stewart
Exactly! Because now the whole world knows, thanks to what Mom and Dad did last night at Shenanigans, and the NY Journal publicizing it. That’s why Trimble is so upset.
Carly Stewart
I wasn’t actually talking about Trimble, Marshall, but that’s besides the point. Although I’m still wondering who sent the article from the Bloomville Herald to the NY Journal.
Marshall Stewart
This isn’t about your personal vendetta against Summer any more than it’s about Reed’s stomach.
Reed Stewart
Hey, can we all just take a breath here? And I can’t believe Summer Walters is still around.
Carly Stewart
Of course she is. Every town needs its bitchy busybody, and ours is still Summer. Only it’s Summer Hayes now. She married Bob Hayes. He inherited Hayes Hardware from his dad. That’s where your dad bought the pool liner—well, not exactly, since he still hasn’t paid for it.
Marshall Stewart
Can we FOCUS? I’ve made a list of the things we three need to get to work on since Trimble says she isn’t going to help, and would be useless anyway.
1)Meet with a lawyer—not Trimble, obviously—to see what we can do about Mom and Dad’s tax situation.
2)Start calling their credit card companies and see if we can negotiate some kind of payment plan.
3)Do the same with whatever local business people they owe money to—such as Hayes Hardware.
4)Start looking into retirement communities where Mom and Dad can go live where they’ll be well taken care of. Because they sure aren’t going to want to live with any of us after this, and none of us want them either—unless there’s something you haven’t told us, Reed.
5)Start sorting through their crap—if they’ll even let us in the house—and see if there’s anything that really is valuable that we can sell to pay off some of their debt.
6)List the house and sell it. Fire sale it if we need to. Just get them the hell out of there before reporters from around the world start descending on Bloomville to interview the couple who tried to defraud Shenanigans. Also because Dad slipped on the ice twice this past winter just trying to get to the garage, and Mom’s thrown her back out three times falling in the bathtub.
Carly Stewart
How about Trimble’s suggestion, getting them to see some doctor other than Dr. Jones? He’s older than they are, and they’re best friends. I highly doubt he’s ever going to give your parents a diagnosis of dementia.
Marshall Stewart
Because my parents don’t have dementia! Not unless they’ve had it they’re whole lives. They’re just weird. They’ve always been weird.
Carly Stewart
You see, Reed? You see what I have to put up with?
Marshall Stewart
What? Why do people automatically assume every person over the age of 60 who acts out of the ordinary has to have dementia? You know what that’s called? Ageism.
Carly Stewart
I let your mother drive to Antonelli’s the last time we had Ladies Lunch with her and the girls and she went through three red lights. When I pointed it out, she said red lights are for other people, not her, because she’s such a good driver.
Reed Stewart
To be fair, she’s always been that way. But, anyway, they aren’t moving in with me. I’ll take number four.
Marshall Stewart
Finding them a retirement home? That’s the easiest one!
Reed Stewart
No, it’s the hardest. Trimble says the Judge won’t go.
Marshall Stewart
Actually finding a place for them to move is easy. Getting them to go is the hard part. And all you’re going to do is call Uncle Lyle to see if there’s a spot for them at his place in Palm Springs.
Reed Stewart
For your information, Marshall, they wouldn’t take Mom and the Judge at Uncle Lyle’s place in Palm Springs, because it happens to be a retirement resort for members of the LGBT community only. Do you really think Richard and Connie Stewart would fit in there?
Marshall Stewart
Oh. Well, okay maybe not. But you’re still trying to do whatever you can to keep from having to come here. Don’t pretend like you’re not. And I know why, too. To keep from seeing HER.
Reed Stewart
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Marshall Stewart
Well, I’m not talking about Rhonda, that’s for sure.
Carly Stewart
Marshall, I think you’re being a little unfair. Reed has a pretty good reason for not having visited Bloomville in so long.
Marshall Stewart
Oh, please! It was a decade ago! He needs to get over it. And we’ve all got something a lot more embarrassing to worry about now, don’t we?
Carly Stewart
Yes, but your father is the one who told him to get out and never come back.
Marshall Stewart
Again, a decade ago. And Dad clearly wasn’t serious.
Reed Stewart
Marshall, after I moved in with Uncle Lyle—the only family member who’d take me in after the Judge kicked me out—Dad sent me a letter by registered mail telling me to consider myself persona non grata in Bloomville. He said if I ever dared set foot in the state of Indiana, he’d have me arrested for trespassing, theft, assault, operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, and underage drinking. And since he was the attorney general for the state of Indiana at the time, it seemed pretty serious to me.
Marshall Stewart
Fine. Maybe he overreacted. But as we all found out, you were going to move in with Lyle anyway. And Dad clearly regrets the things he said. The old man talks about you all the time, and watches every tournament you qualify for. I think he’s really sorry about what happened. Only you’ve never had the balls to come back and let him apologize . . . All because of a GIRL.
Carly Stewart
Marshall, I think you’re being a little harsh.
Reed Stewart
If you’re talking about Becky, I was trying to do the right thing.
Carly Stewart
I think we should change the subject. Let’s talk about how much we all hate Trimble. Or Summer Hayes.
Marshall Stewart
The right thing would have been for you to have come back here a long time ago, Reed, and face your demons. Then I wouldn’t be the only sane person in this family here dealing with them now.
Carly Stewart
Marshall, STOP IT! Reed, I understand. Your dad used to be pretty scary. But he’s gotten much more mellow with age. I think he’s actually forgotten everything that happened between the two of you that night.
Marshall Stewart
It’s not DAD that Reed is worried about facing again, Carly. Is it, Reed?
Carly Stewart
I said STOP IT, Marshall.
Reed Stewart
If Dad’s so fine with me, why didn’t he apologize to me at your wedding?
Carly Stewart
Well, possibly because you and Marshall were acting like such jackasses, rem
ember? You made your sister’s husband two hours late to the reception.
Marshall Stewart
Oh my God. I forgot about that.
Reed Stewart
How could Tony not have been able to figure out how to unlock the limo doors from the inside?
Marshall Stewart
Oh, Tony.
Reed Stewart
Too bad, Tony. Too Bad Tony.
Carly Stewart
You are both idiots. Look, Becky is fine, Reed. You don’t need to worry about her. She owns her own business now. She took over her dad’s moving company.
Reed Stewart
Oh, right. I saw that on Facebook.
Marshall Stewart
You stalk your ex on Facebook??? Creeper.
Carly Stewart
Marshall, leave him alone.
Reed Stewart
I’m not going to apologize for having a certain curiosity about what happened to the people we grew up with.
Marshall Stewart
Yeah. ONE person.
Reed Stewart
I find it interesting how the careers they have as adults match the personalities they had as kids. Like Bob Hayes being in hardware and Becky being in the moving business.