The Boy Is Back + Every Boy's Got One Bundle
Page 28
You saw me naked all night long.
Reed
10:21 AM
A thousand nights will never be enough.
Becky
10:21 AM
Stop sexting me in front of your niece while she does her Indian war dance.
Reed
10:21 AM
I’ll sext you in front of anyone I want. You’re mine now, and I’m never letting you get away again.
Becky
10:22 AM
It would be unwise of you to do so, since I know all of your family’s darkest secrets.
Reed
10:22 AM
You don’t know my darkest secret.
Becky
10:22 AM
Um, I believe I’ve known it for quite some time. It involves a certain part of your anatomy.
Reed
10:22 AM
Not that one. The other one.
Becky
10:22 AM
Which one is that?
Reed
10:22 AM
That I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ll never stop loving you.
Becky
10:22 AM
Oh, THAT one.
No, I think you need to say it a few more times.
Enrique Alvarez
3:16 PM EST
Hey, boudro. Got your message. Yeah, that’s no problem. Happy to help out. I’m glad for you, man!
So you finally took my advice, huh? See. I told you. All you gotta do is think back to what you liked about the game when you were a kid. No stress, no playing to win, just doing it for the love of the game.
That’s what it’s all about, boudro. That’s what it should always be about.
Safe travels, my brother.
From: Dolly Vargas D.Vargas@VTM.com
Date: March 18 2:42:40 PM EST
To: Reed Stewart@reedstewart.com
Subject: Lyrexica Offer
Reed, I could kiss you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the roses.
But thank you even more for agreeing—finally—to the Lyrexica deal. You aren’t going to regret this, I promise. The residuals alone are going to keep us in roses for years. Every time they play your little commercial, you’re going to get a check. Ka-ching.
And they’re going to play it a LOT, because you know how men are about their hair. Well, you probably don’t, because you have all yours. But other men.
I can finally buy that little house in Tuscany I’ve been dying for! After I pay off my louse of an ex-husband, I mean.
We are going to be rich, my darling, so rich!
I love you, I worship you, you are my everything, goodbye and good luck at the Golden Palms, you’re going to win, I feel it in my bones.
XOXOX
Dolly
Dolly Vargas
Vargas Talent Management
Los Angeles, CA
From: Trimble Stewart-Antonelli@Stewart&Stewart.com
Date: March 18 4:10:25 PM EST
To: Reed Stewart@reedstewart.com
Subject: You
This letter is to inform you that if you do not cease and desist meddling in the affairs of me and my family, I will take legal action against you.
These actions may include but may not be limited to:
• contacting law enforcement to obtain criminal sanctions against you
• suing you civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions
• anything else that I decide.
Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.
None of this would be happening, Reed, if you’d just stayed out of it. My financial affairs with Mom and Dad are my own business. They were HEARTBROKEN when you left town, and giving money to me and my family made them feel better. Your interference now is only hurting them, not me.
This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you.
This is your FINAL CHANCE, Reed, before I exercise my rights.
Sincerely,
Trimble Stewart-Antonelli
Attorney at Law
Stewart & Stewart, LLC
1911 South Moore Pike
Bloomville, IN 47401
(812) 555-9721
www.stewart&stewart.com
From: Reed Stewart@reedstewart.com
Date: March 18 4:38:25 PM EST
To: Trimble Stewart-Antonelli@Stewart&Stewart.com
Subject: You
Thanks for the letter, Trimble. I’m going to make sure Marshall, Carly, and Mom and Dad’s new bankruptcy lawyer get copies of it, since in it, you basically acknowledge in writing that you’ve been fleecing our parents for years.
Not that we needed any more evidence of that. I’ve got plenty of it already.
But it does solve one mystery that’s been bothering me:
What was it that Mom and Dad felt so guilty about that they’d hand so much of their money over to you?
Now I know: My leaving.
I bet you played that one to the hilt, didn’t you? You were always good at the dramatics. You probably told them if they didn’t help you and Tony out financially, you’d leave, too, just like baby brother Reed did. After Tony Junior and Ty were born, that threat worked even better. I bet it got them good and panicked. You really piled on the guilt, didn’t you?
Well, it won’t work on them anymore. Because I’m back.
And unfortunately for you, I’m staying.
Don’t worry about our parents, though. Marshall and I have their backs. Did you know the IRS takes payment plans? It’s true! It turns out they aren’t any more anxious than Shenanigans to put senior citizens in jail.
Please take all the legal action you want against me. I’ll enjoy it. I’ll litigate right back.
Your not so loving brother,
Reed
From: Lyle Stewart@FountainHill.org
Date: March 18 5:48:22 PM EST
To: Reed Stewart@reedstewart.com>
Subject: Congratulations
Dearest Reed,
I understand from my brother, with whom I spoke today for the first time in a long time, that congratulations are in order? You and Ms. Flowers are now—how does one put it in today’s parlance?—an item?
I’m very pleased for you both.
Your father also tells me that you’ll be residing in Bloomville for half of the year, and in Florida for the rest. I think this is a sensible plan. I never thought the California lifestyle suited you, and I agree with your accountant that for those with an income at a certain level, taxes here can be quite painful.
And how nice that you’ll be near your parents in Florida, and that Ms. Flowers’s business takes her there so often, as well.
I will miss you, of course, but perhaps I, too, will consider relocating to Florida. The weather there is wonderful year round for growing orchids.
(My Phalaenopsis amabilis took first place, by the way, in both its category and overall.)
I was sorry to hear, however, that your sister’s marriage is not doing well. But to be frank, I’m surprised that relationship lasted this long.
I have no such concerns for you and Ms. Flowers. You have always been a person who loved long, and loved steadfastly—when you chose to love at all.
You will, I hope, have a large wedding, and not one of those foolish small affairs . . . or worse, an elopement. There really are only two occasions for which families gather together anymore, and only one of them is happy, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for providing us with a happy one, and preventing us—in the form of rescuing my brother and his wife—from the other.
Yours very sincerely,
Uncle Lyle
Reed
7:32 PM
Becky Flowers, when we can go home?
Becky
7:32 PM
We are home.
Reed
7
:32 PM
I mean downstairs.
Becky
7:32 PM
After my mom serves dessert.
Reed
7:33 PM
You’re dessert.
Becky
7:33 PM
It’s rude to text in front of our parents.
Reed
7:33 PM
My dad doesn’t even know what’s going on, he’s had so much beer.
Becky
7:33 PM
Yes, he does, though I can see now how he got crowned the Chug-a-Lug Champ of the Hijinks Club.
And my mom definitely knows.
Reed
7:33 PM
Your mom makes chicken almost as good as Rhonda’s.
Becky
7:33 PM
You could ask for the recipe.
Reed
7:34 PM
Then you could make Rhonda’s chicken!
Becky
7:34 PM
I meant you could ask so YOU could make Rhonda’s chicken.
Reed
7:34 PM
Oh, so THAT’s how it’s going to be.
Becky
7:34 PM
I’m a busy working woman. I don’t have time to cook.
Reed
7:35 PM
But you did have time today to sneak back to my parents’ house, find my yearbook, and write in it. Don’t try to deny it: I found it on the coffee table when I was over there earlier.
Becky
7:35 PM
Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.
Oooh, I just had an idea: Let’s hire Rhonda to cook for us!
Reed
7:35 PM
Fine, we can do that.
As soon as you confess that you wrote “You pierce my soul. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, ten years ago” beneath my senior photo.
Becky
7:35 PM
Of course I did. I can’t believe you didn’t recognize the quote. Or my handwriting.
Reed
7:35 PM
Oh, I recognized it, all right. It’s just that you stole it from me.
Becky
7:35 PM
How did I steal it? Jane Austen wrote “Persuasion,” not you.
Reed
7:35 PM
I know, but now I can’t use that quote on you. So instead I have to say: “I have loved none but you. You alone have brought me to Bloomville.”
Becky
7:35 PM
Stop texting me and take that beer away from your dad before he spills it.
Nicole F
7:36 PM
Are you and Reed sexting? OMG, that’s so cute. Or gross. I can’t decide.
Becky
7:36 PM
No! We’re just making plans for later tonight.
Nicole F
7:36 PM
Oh, right. You mean like later when he you?
Becky
7:36 PM
No! Stop it!
Becky
7:36 PM
Reed, you really need to stop, Nicole knows what we’re doing.
Reed
7:36 PM
Quoting Austen?
Becky
7:36 PM
Well, she thinks we’re sexting.
Reed
7:36 PM
She’s right. “I am half agony, half hope.”
Becky
7:36 PM
Stop it. Look, Mom’s bringing out the coffee and ice cream. We can leave in ten minutes.
Reed
7:36 PM
“Too good, too excellent a creature! I have loved none but you.”
Becky
7:36 PM
Same.
Welcome to my new online shop,
the Not-So-Crazy Cat Lady
All of the items you see here are available for purchase and shipping in 3–5 business days. Refunds and exchanges are happily accepted. I have over 94% helpful reviews.
Today’s featured item is:
Pretty Kitty Nap Time
$29.00 + Shipping
This darling little kitty really does look as if it’s stretching out for a midday nap . . . the way my kitties used to, back when I had kitties.
Oh, don’t worry, nothing bad has happened to my kitties! I’m just not allowed to feed other people’s kitties anymore. I guess that was a bit of a naughty thing for me to do ;-)
But who can resist those big eyes, warm, furry little bodies, and soft purr?
My new daughter-in-law-to-be, Becky, however, says I can have a little kitty of my own when I get to my new condo in The Town, which is the name of the retirement village in Florida where my husband and I will be relocating next week!
I can hardly believe we’ll be getting there so soon. Things are very different for me now. Everything has been such a whirlwind—but a good one, mostly.
My youngest son is there already—not The Town, but in Florida, getting ready to play in his first major tournament since he lost so badly at his last one . . . well, his last three or four.
Jackie Monroe on Channel 4 says it’s really very important to his career that he win, but he says, “No, it’s not, Mom. What’s important is all of you . . . and that I enjoy the game. And that’s what I’m going to do.”
He’s taken Becky with him. He says it’s for luck, but she says it’s because the course where he’ll be playing is very near The Town, and she wants everything to be just so for my husband and me when we arrive.
Becky is the kind of girl who likes everything to be just so, which is good for my youngest son, because he doesn’t care about those kinds of things at all ;-)
That’s probably why my daughter and her husband are splitting. Neither of them was very good at making things just so.
It’s very sad, but like my oldest granddaughter says: “Don’t worry, Grandma, soon we’ll be in Florida. Everything will be better there.”
I’m not sure that’s true, but it’s true she’s moving there, too, and has promised to come visit me and her grandpa “all the time.”
She’s very sweet. Much sweeter than my grandson who, like his mother, hasn’t stopped by to visit me once this week, even though she knows I’ve been going through a very difficult time, what with the move and parting with my pretty kitties.
Oh, well!
At least I have all of you . . . receiving your sweet messages of support has meant the world to me, as has knowing my kitties are going to good homes. Thank you, all of you.
And not only will I post photos of the new condo, I’ll post photos of my new kitty (when I get her), and photos from my youngest son’s wedding (when he has it. Who knows when that will be. He’s very slow about getting things done. But I have to say, he does get to them, eventually).
Until then . . . stay a little crazy!
The Not-So-Crazy Cat Lady
Today I feel blessed because:
Am I a terrible person? I haven’t written in this journal in a week, and it’s because I’m so happy.
Is this what happens? When you’re truly blessed, you stop counting your blessings?
No. I know who that person is, and I never want to become her, because look how she’s ended up: completely alone (well, except for that son, which might actually be worse than being alone).
So I’m going to take the time and express my gratitude.
•I have an amazing mom and sister who, even if they occasionally try my patience, are always there for me.
•I get to do what I love for a living. How many people can say that?
•I have the most awesome best friend in the entire world.
•And I have a boyfriend who takes my breath away—maybe not every single second of the day, but for enough of them to make up for the times during which I want to kill him.
And I’ll never stop being thankful to his crazy parents for giving birth to him, and for bringing him back to me.
Date: March 25 4:52:43 PM EST
To: Lyle Stewart@FountainHill.org
Subject: Congratulations
Dear Uncle Lyle,
There’s definitely going to be a wedding. I’ll make sure it’s large. And of course you’ll be invited. I can’t wait for you to meet her.
Thank you for encouraging me to take the same road as my father. I know now that mine won’t lead to a dark and gloomy basement, but a garden as light-filled and sunny as yours, and bursting with Becky Flowers.
Love,
Your Favorite Nephew,
Reed
STEWART WINS
BY CHRISTINA MARTINEZ Herald Staff
Orlando, FL—Reed Stewart earned his first PGA Tour victory in over two years on Sunday, posting a final-round 68 to finish the week at minus-15.
The win gives Stewart a two-year exemption on the PGA Tour, a spot in the Masters, and a $1,230,000 prize.
Stewart was one of the youngest players in history to win the US Open, but this week’s win at the Golden Palm is his first after a series of what his longtime friend and caddy, Enrique Alvarez, calls really, truly humiliating defeats.
Stewart, 28, is the youngest son of Judge Richard P. and Constance D. Stewart. Now retired, Judge Stewart and his wife will soon be relocating to Florida, where they told the Herald they hope to “make many new friends, but that also many of our old friends and relatives will come to visit us in the wintertime.”