Razor's Edge

by Lisanne Norman

  “I don’t know if what I feel for you is real, Carrie. I’m afraid that it isn’t. I would have told you myself tomorrow, at the estate.”

  There was a small silence before she spoke. “I didn’t realize I’d caused you so much pain, or that you needed to forget me,” she said. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have intruded on you.” Though she tried to hide it, he could hear the hurt in her voice. “The mission’s more important than me, Kaid. Come to the estate tomorrow. I won’t add to your troubles, that I promise. Good-bye.”

  He listened to her footsteps receding. When she’d gone, the lonely silence in the temple settled on him like a weight. She’d said good-bye—and meant it. He hadn’t been prepared for her to walk out of his life. He remembered what she’d said when he’d told her he was coming here. Promise you’ll talk to me before you make a final decision. What she wanted, what she felt, was also important, and he hadn’t let her say anything.

  He turned and began to run toward the entrance. Wait! I need to ask you something! he sent.

  She was standing at the top of the steps outside the main doors. Around her, curious students were making their way to and from classes.

  He stopped in front of her. “Carrie, why did you come?” He had to know.

  “It’s not important now, Kaid.” She turned away and began walking down the steps.

  He lunged after her, catching her by the arm, using the contact to touch her mind with his before she could reject him. He could hardly believe what he sensed. “You came to spend time with me!”

  Her anger surged through him as she tried to pull away. “Stop it, Kaid! You have no right to pry!”

  He grasped her by the other arm. “Why did you pair with me at Noni’s?” he demanded.

  “You know why! You’re the one trying to forget, remember?” Her voice was low and intense. “Leave me some pride, Kaid!”

  “Tell me why! I need to hear it from you!” He tightened his grip on her arms.

  “How could you ask me that in front of all these people! Let me go at once!” she hissed, trying again to pull free.

  “You mustn’t leave,” he said, his mouth touching hers as he pulled her close. “I’ve been a fool. Thinking about us isn’t the answer.” His kiss was deep and full of the passion he felt for her.

  She went rigid with shock.

  Reluctantly he stopped, drawing back a little from her, aware for the first time of their audience of now highly interested students. “You’re right, it’s far too public here.” He looked beyond her into the courtyard. “Your aircar? Please, come with me.” Taking her by the hand, he urged her toward the vehicle.

  She hesitated, now totally confused by him. “Kaid …”

  “I want to take you somewhere. Please. Trust me.”

  She let him lead her to her craft, handing him the card when he stopped at the door. “You might as well drive. I’ve no idea what’s going on,” she said.

  Touching her cheek briefly, he took it from her and made for the pilot’s seat.

  As she fastened herself in beside him, the small craft rose gently into the air until it was above Stronghold, then headed out toward the Retreat.

  “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see.”

  She knew for herself how Kusac had felt with Kaid now. This was not the person she’d known before. Suddenly she felt nervous. A sidelong look told her that much about him had changed. He’d regained the weight he’d lost, and after the training he and Kusac had been doing, was obviously at the peak of physical health. But he had been ill. Even he’d been worried about his sanity.

  “This isn’t some test or mind game, is it, Kaid?”

  He glanced at her, seeing the worried look on her face. His ears dipped and remained there. “No. No games with you, Carrie. They weren’t games with Kusac either. I know how to help other people face their fears and overcome them, that’s what I was doing. I’m just not very good at handling my own,” he added quietly.

  Carrie looked out at the scenery. It was breathtaking, and in watching it unfold beneath her, she forgot some of her worries about him. The harsh savagery of the land was softened by a deep blanket of snow. Scattered here and there, the winter trees were oases of deep green in the sea of white. A small herd of mountain rhaklas, frightened by the sound of their vehicle, bolted toward a small copse.

  “We’re flying over one of the wildest parts of the Dzahai Range,” he said. “Good hunting land.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  He banked the craft, heading upward toward the peaks ahead of them. “We’re going to the town just beyond the Retreat. It’s not far.”

  Within a few minutes she could see the distant rooftops. Once more Kaid veered away, heading now for a nearby hillside, its lower slope dotted with trees. As they came closer, gradually she made out the shape of a house nestling amid the trees at the lee of the rock face. This must be their destination.

  Kaid slowed the aircar, keeping it hovering in front of the house for a moment while he activated the comm unit and transmitted a harmonic pulse of sound at the stubby antenna on the domed roof. That done, he let the craft sink gently to the ground and began to power it down. He turned to face her. “Well come to my home.”

  “You were next door to us when we moved quarters the first time on the Khalossa, weren’t you?” she asked as she watched him key the palm lock on the door at the side of the house.

  He looked surprised for a moment. “Yes, I was. Funny that you should remember it now. If you give …”

  “Not really,” she said, holding her hand out to him.

  “… me your hand, I’ll key the door …” He ground to a halt and took her hand instead, nose wrinkling in a faint grin.

  “Happens now and then,” she added as he placed it on the lock plate.

  “You can come here when you wish,” he said, standing back to let her enter.

  Before her, a long, narrow hall, its walls lined with dark paneled wood, stretched the length of the building. She followed him down till they reached the entrance to the lounge. It was the picture window she saw first. Going over to it, she looked out across the clearing in front of the house to the craggy peaks beyond. The setting sun was staining their snowy heights a deep orange. “It’s beautiful, but so isolated, Kaid!”

  “It’s what I would have chosen,” he said. “The only way in is by air.”

  She heard the faint hum as around her, the house came to life.

  “It’ll warm up quickly. I was out here last week to check that everything was all right. I haven’t lived here since I was called to the Khalossa.”

  “How did you find a place like this?” she asked, turning away from the window. It was so unlike any Sholan home she’d ever seen. She’d thought everybody lived in houses on large clan estates.

  Kaid stood by his desk, setting the environmental controls. “Jyarti, Father Lijou’s predecessor, left it to me. I’ve spent a lot of time working on it over the past ten or so years. I didn’t have much else to do.”

  A faint noise from behind startled her. Turning quickly, she saw a blind descending, closing off the view. As the lighting came on, she looked back to Kaid, watching as he crossed the room to the kitchen area on her left. Her uneasiness returned.

  “I brought some coffee over with the supplies last week. Would you like some?” he asked, looking at her across the counter.

  “If I do, are you going to tell me that it’s too late to take me back and we’ll have to stay the night?”

  He smiled sadly. “No, Carrie. We can leave any time you wish.”

  “Then, yes.” She could trust him. He was a person of his word. For a moment, she watched him set about finding mugs and the coffee, and then turned her attention to the rest of the room.

  It was built on two levels. The one they were in, the lower, was the lounge. The decor was simple and uncluttered. Walls and ceiling were a warm off-white, and the floor was covered with a practical brown-and-gray marled carpet
. A low, round table, a couple of easy chairs, and a pile of floor cushions completed the main furnishings.

  His work desk was set against the wall by the entrance. Opposite was a niche in which sat a small statue of Vartra with the traditional blue glass candle holder in front of it. A recessed shelf unit below it looked intriguing, and she moved away from the window to look at it.

  On her way, she glanced over to the higher level. From floor to ceiling, narrow vertical blinds, open at this time, acted as a room divider. Beyond them she could make out his bed. Unconsciously, she quickened her pace.

  Kaid sighed. Gods, she was as skittish as a virgin! Then he smiled wryly to himself. He was no better right now. Why was she afraid of him? He’d done nothing he could think of to cause her to be like this. Still concerned, he began to pour the coffee.

  There wasn’t much on the unit. A comp pad, a reader and half a dozen cartridges for it, and a piece of the carved blue-white crystal in the form of a crouching chiddoe. She picked it up, feeling the smoothness of the workmanship. He might have a home, but Kaid hadn’t set down roots no matter how many years he’d lived there. There were none of the knickknacks that most people accumulated over a lifetime.

  Then help me grow some roots. The thought was faint, so faint she couldn’t be sure she’d heard it. She frowned, looking round. Had it been him or her imagination? He was carrying the drinks into the lounge now.

  She sighed, wanting this to be over, wishing she’d never agreed to come with him in the first place. When they’d been together at Noni’s, she hadn’t felt this nervous with him. He’d been ill then, weakened by the injuries inflicted on him by Fyak and Ghezu. Now he felt and looked totally different—just as he’d said he was in the temple. Replacing the ornament, she moved over to the table where he was setting down her mug. She sat opposite him, her mind suddenly made up.

  “Look, maybe you were right. Maybe we should just let what was between us die, especially if you’re that unhappy …”

  “No!” Then quieter, as he leaned toward her. “No, I don’t want that, Carrie. I was wrong. What I said was wrong.”

  “I don’t think you know what you want!”

  “I know what I don’t want. When you left me in the temple …” He stopped, remembering vividly how he’d felt.

  “I can’t go through this again, Kaid!”

  “It won’t happen again. How could it?”

  “I didn’t expect it to happen at all after what we shared at Noni’s, what we said to each other in the Margins!”

  She was slipping away from him, he could feel it, and he didn’t know what to do or say. “I want you to stay, Carrie. You want me, too, or you wouldn’t have come out to Stronghold. I’m not going to let you go.”

  His intensity suddenly frightened her. This was no youth of Kusac’s age, this was a mature male, someone used to getting what he wanted.

  She stood up, praying he wouldn’t see how badly her legs were trembling. “You said you’d take me back when I wanted. I want to leave now, Kaid.”

  Time slowed, crystallizing around him. “If that’s what you really want,” he heard himself saying as he rose. “There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?”

  “Nothing,” she said, shutting herself off from her emotions. She didn’t want to think or feel anything right now. She’d let herself care for him only to have it thrown back at her: his choice, not hers. She had to leave.

  He followed her across to the door. Before they reached it, she felt herself grasped by the arm and spun round. Then I have no choice but to show you, he sent, gripping her tightly as his mouth found hers, his teeth nipping her in his urgency.

  He sent again, letting her experience how he’d felt when she left him alone in the temple, and how he felt now at the prospect of being without her.

  She pushed against him, fear in her eyes and mind as his feelings flooded through her. She tried to block them, but he forced the mental contact, all his loneliness and emptiness rushing in on her. It overwhelmed her, and as her struggles slowed, she began to taste blood in her mouth.

  He tightened his grip on her arms. What is it I need to say or do to make you stay? I, Kaid Tallinu, love you, Carrie! Not the cub I was in the past, but me, whoever the hell I am! He broke the kiss, eyes searching her face. “I don’t want to live without you, can’t you feel it? Don’t leave me, Carrie.”

  Because of her struggles, his robe was gaping at the neck. Something glinted, catching the light, and her eye. She reached for it, and found herself holding his Triad pendant. Startled, she looked up at him.

  “I thought you’d taken it off.”

  “I put it on after you left the Retreat. I told you, I meant to come back. I hoped you’d let me have the time to think through whether what I felt for you was real. Vartra knows I wanted it so much that I couldn’t trust what I felt!”

  “And now?”

  “Now I don’t care It’s what I feel that matters.” He pulled her close, kissing her again, his tongue parting her lips, tasting her blood for the first time.

  Gods, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. He licked at the graze, frantic to make it better, stop it hurting. Suddenly the rigidity left her, and as she let go the pendant, her body molded itself to his.

  It’s all right. It doesn’t hurt much. Hesitantly her arms came up to hold him.

  He had to tell her now, before they went any further. “I have another fear, Carrie. I had a vision. One that I’m afraid was about us.”

  “What was it? Was it about Jalna?”

  “No.” He tightened his grip momentarily, unable to look her in the eyes. “Noni said I’d father cubs. I don’t want to make you pregnant, and Vartra’s changes have a habit of working.”

  She said nothing for a moment, even her mind was still. “Not now that we have a contraceptive,” she said quietly.

  “I held my cub in the vision, Carrie.” He looked at her now. “There will be one.”

  “You didn’t see the mother? Perhaps it’s not me.”

  “It was someone I cared deeply for.”

  This was not the time for either of them to mention T’Chebbi.

  “Not even Vartra’s changes could make me fertile at the wrong time, Kaid.”

  Then he realized what she could be thinking. “I don’t mean that … We couldn’t … I don’t know if I want cubs, Carrie, but if I did … if you did …” He was floundering again, making a mess of it.

  She couldn’t help but smile at his confusion. “It can’t happen, believe me.”

  Relieved now that he’d told her everything, he pressed her closer still, letting her know that he wanted her, was ready for her, all the while kissing her as fiercely as if he’d never have another chance. Now there was nothing to keep them apart. He could hear her thoughts, feel the new fears rise as she began to tremble within his grasp.

  He’s as unlike Kusac as anyone could be! A fighter, a priest—he’s a killer for God’s sake—he’s never lived anywhere but on the edge! Why do I love him?

  Her eyes looked at him steadily despite the quickened heart beat he could feel even through the thickness of her jacket.

  Gods, he’s so strong! My hand can’t circle his forearm! He could crush me and I couldn’t stop him!

  He cupped her face with his hands, remembering that her only physical knowledge of him had been when he’d been weak from the fever of his wounds. Not now, now he was able to love her properly.

  Don’t be afraid. I couldn’t hurt you any more than Kusac could. Slowly, almost reluctantly, he backed away from her, then scooped her up in his arms. How long do we have? he asked as he stepped through the blinds into his bedroom.

  As long as we want. Kusac said it was time we had the opportunity to be together again. He asks when you’re coming home. He’s missed you, too.

  He felt the truth of her sending. Tomorrow. We’ll return together. He set her down gently on her feet. Reaching out, he pressed the seal on her jacket, helping her take it off.
<
br />   She stood there, still trembling. She needed more time. Their disagreement was too recent.

  “Sit. I’ll get our coffee,” he said.

  He didn’t hurry, knowing events were moving just a little too fast for her. He was surprised at how she’d reacted to his vision. He recalled it, reliving the emotions he’d felt at the time. He’d helped birth Kashini, was legally her guardian, too, but to share a cub with Carrie? For a moment the idea didn’t seem so remote, so unbelievable. Their Triad was registered at the temple, which gave him equal status with Kusac as her life-mate. It had been no idle gesture on Kusac’s part either, nor done without Carrie’s full agreement. They all knew that each member of a Triad took equal responsibility for any cubs. Then he dismissed the idea. A nice dream, but not what his life was made of.

  When he returned, he almost stopped dead in surprise. Clad only in her undertunic, Carrie sat in the center of his bed. Stepping over her discarded clothes, he put the mugs on the night table. From behind him he heard the soft sounds of her getting to her feet.

  She stood there, looking at him. “Tallinu. Please, be sure this time,” she began.

  He placed a finger against her lips. “I am very sure.” He unfastened the cord of his robe, letting it fall open as he reached for the seal on the front of her tunic. A touch and it parted. As her warm body-scent filled his nostrils, he slid his hands inside her tunic, pulling her nakedness against his. When her flesh touched him, he was the one trembling.

  He kissed her, long and slowly this time, then, dropping his robe to the floor, he knelt on the bed, urging her to sit beside him. Bending his head, he let his teeth and tongue travel across her face and neck as his hands began to stroke the smooth curves of her body.

  Memories of their first pairing came to his mind, and these he shared with her. As she reached for him, trying to pull him down onto the bed, he felt her need burning deep within him, felt the crystal he always wore start to warm.