Perhaps Love

by Lindsay Armstrong

‘No. It’s a purely ophthalmic problem that can be corrected by an operation and a technique they call electro-coagulation which has a very reasonable success rate. And there’s other news too. From what Heath’s told them about his vision before this happened, and tests on his other eye, it would appear that the damage to or pressure on the optic nerve has healed itself. Over the last few weeks he’s experienced none of the visual disabilities he had.’

  ‘So … so even if this operation fails, he’ll still have one good eye?’ she said shakily.

  ‘Yes. But I have high hopes of its success. He couldn’t be in better hands.’

  She let out a great sigh, ‘Oh, thank you!’ she said tearfully.

  ‘Don’t thank me, Sasha.’ He smiled at her fondly. ‘But I’m so pleased for you both.’

  ‘When will this operation be?’ she asked.

  ‘They’re preparing him now. Speed is the essence with this kind of thing. And afterwards he’ll have to stay in bed with his eyes bandaged for a couple of days and it might take up to four or five weeks before he can resume a completely normal life. But of course he’ll have you with him, won’t he?’ Doctor James added with a twinkle in his eye. ‘What more could he want?’ he said simply, and when Sasha coloured, he misread her embarrassment completely.

  Sasha was still marvelling at this incredible piece of good fortune and feeling quite lightheaded with relief as she sat beside Heath after the operation.

  The room was dim and quiet, and she sat beside the bed and rarely took her eyes off him. The dark gold of his hair lay across the bandage around his head and there was a faint blue shadow on his jaw as if he hadn’t been very well shaved earlier, which she found unexpectedly touching.

  And as she watched him breathing deeply and evenly, although she was dying to share.the good news with him, in a sense she almost wished she could prolong this time.

  I wonder why? she mused. Is it because I feel… sort of married to him like this? So close and as if he’s in my care?

  ‘I think it is,’ she murmured aloud, and grimaced slightly.

  Then Heath stirred and she leant forward and touched his fingers as they lay on the sheet.

  His hand closed about hers and he relaxed and didn’t move again.

  The Sister slipped in and smiled warmly at her as she checked Heath’s pulse. ‘Shouldn’t be long now,’ she said kindly.

  She was right. Not long afterwards, Heath stirred again and his hand suddenly clamped around hers.

  ‘Sasha?’ he said hoarsely. ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Yes.’ She moistened her lips.

  ‘Did I… dream it or…’

  ‘No, it was no dream. It’s going to be all right, Heath. But you’ll have to have the bandage on for a while.’

  A shudder of intense relief ran through his long frame and she felt tears on her cheeks. ‘I’m so happy for you,’ she said softly. ‘So very happy for you.’

  He said something she couldn’t distinguish and then more distinctly, ‘Don’t go.’

  ‘I won’t,’ she promised.

  Four days later they were together again, although this time the bandage was off and Heath was sitting on his bed in the dimmed room listening to her as she read the paper.

  ‘When do I get out of here?’ he said suddenly, breaking in on her.

  ‘When the doctors let you, I guess.’

  ‘If you ask me they’re being very cautious about it,’ he said caustically and with so much of his old autocratic dynamism, Sasha had to smile.

  But she said calmly, ‘If you ask me, they’re being very patient with you. Do you know what the Sister said to me this morning? She said, Miss Derwent, I don’t know whether to envy you or pity you. All I know is, your fiance is a right handful.’ She looked at Heath quizzically. ‘By the way, she doesn’t like you chatting up her nurses.’

  ‘I have not!’ he protested laughingly. ‘Is that what she said.’

  Sasha wrinkled her nose and then relented. ‘Not exactly,’ she admitted. ‘But she did say you’ve got them all in a bit of a flutter so that some of the younger ones—and the older ones—are getting about in a bit of a daze. I know how it can be,’ she said with a tiny grin.

  They laughed together. Then Heath said, ‘I don’t believe it, but just in case, isn’t that all the more reason to get me out of here?’

  ‘Oh no. When the doctor says yes and not a minute before.’

  He muttered something half laughing beneath his breath. ‘Sasha ..

  ‘Heath …’ They spoke together. ‘You go first, Heath,’ she said.

  He eyed her. ‘I was just going to tell you how pretty you look.’

  Sasha glanced down at her outfit. A pale grey linen skirt with half pleats and matching grey suede shoes that she had teamed with a soft yellow blouse with long full sleeves and a cravat neck.

  She shrugged. ‘Thank you. It’s new. To celebrate spring and … well, I just felt like celebrating.’

  Heath leant back against the pillows still watching her. ‘I like the way you’ve done your hair too.’

  Her hair was lying loose today and she said with a grin, ‘I haven’t done anything to it!’

  ‘I know. That’s what I like about it.’

  There was a small silence until she said, ‘Heath? What we were talking about before? I mean, us … everyone thinking we’re engaged. We don’t have to keep that up now, do we?’ she asked, staring down at the paper she had let flutter to the floor.

  ‘Does it bother you?’ he asked abruptly.

  ‘No, it’s not that.’ She coloured faintly and then made herself look at him.

  ‘What is it, then?’

  ‘Well, I thought you might … you know,’ she said helplessly.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you mean you don’t know what I mean, or you don’t … what do you mean?’ she asked, suddenly exasperated by the look of mockery he sent her.

  ‘That’s what I was asking you,’ he said politely. ‘It seems we’ve got bogged down somewhere along the line.’

  ‘We have not,’ she said crossly. ‘You know perfectly well what I mean. You’re just … being difficult!’

  A wicked blue glance shot her way. Then he looked downwards and said perfectly seriously, ‘I enjoy a good fight with you, Sasha. I find it unusually stimulating. Go on.’

  She gritted her teeth. ‘Well, you’re going to be disappointed today,’ she said tightly, and got up to stand at the darkened window with her back to him.

  He laughed softly at her.

  ‘Don’t do that!’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, but unrepentantly. Then, ‘Don’t you think all these nice people,’ he gestured widely, ‘would get a bit of a shock if we suddenly became— disengaged?’

  She shrugged. ‘I guess they could live with it.’ She fiddled with the cord of the blind.

  His eyes narrowed at the tautness of her slim figure and he said softly but with a pecularly grim undertone, ‘That sounds strangely cynical coming from you, Sasha.’

  ‘I might have had a good teacher.’

  There was a strained silence. Then he said, ‘Is Brent hovering on the horizon? Is that it?”

  She swung round. ‘No. That’s not what I meant at all.’

  ‘Then why the hurry?’

  ‘There’s no hurry on my part, Heath,’ she said, speaking distinctly but with a gleam of anger darkening her eyes. ‘I thought you might want an out.’ But as she spoke she knew she wasn’t telling the truth. There was an urgency on her part, something from within that told her that the longer she indulged in this masquerade, the harder it would be to put it behind her. In a sense it was like waiting for the axe to fall. Something that made her wonder how he would do it when he was ready. Something that told her that she wouldn’t be so easily fobbed off as she had been the last time. Not to him, but to herself. She lifted her head which she had unconsciously lowered. ‘After all, there’s nothing to—no reason to keep pretending any more, is there?”

  They stare
d at each other.

  ‘So why are you crying, Sasha?” he asked at last.

  ‘Am I? I didn’t know I was.” She raised her wrists to her eyes. ‘Maybe because I’m so happy for you.

  Because you don’t need me or anybody. You’re free now. It’s really something, isn’t it?’

  ‘Something to cry about?’ he said sombrely. ‘Nine times out of ten I would say no. But …’

  ‘No, Heath,’ she interrupted. ‘Ten times out of ten. You’ve been so lucky.’

  ‘Thanks to you.’

  ‘No! It had nothing to do with me!’

  ‘Blossom, it had a whole lot to do with you. That’s why it’s so hard to end.’

  She moved forward and sat on the bed beside him. ‘How can I explain?’ she said gruffly.

  Heath took her hands in his, ‘You don’t have to, Sasha.’

  ‘Yes, I do. I …’ She groped for words. ‘I think you might be feeling very grateful, But really your gratitude should go to other people. And there’s no reason now, not to open your heart to—to Veronica.’

  There, it was out, she thought miserably. I’ve made myself say it.

  She looked up at him obliquely from beneath her lashes and took an inward breath at the flash of—was it anger? she saw in his eyes. Then it was gone and he was saying equably, ‘You’re very determined to keep pushing me at Veronica, aren’t you, Sasha? I thought you didn’t like her.’

  She smiled faintly. ‘That’s not the point is it?’

  He considered for a moment with his fingers twisting his mother’s engagement ring round and round Sasha’s finger. Then his lips twitched, although he said gravely, ‘As you once pointed out to me, we’re a family whether we like it or not. So as to your prospective stepsister-in- law, you’re entitled to a point of view at least.’

  ‘Heath,’ she said gently, ‘when you do decide to marry I’m sure you wouldn’t be so silly as to take into account what a stepsister would say. Least of all a stepsister.’

  ‘Out of the mouths of babes,’ he said at last, with a wry look.

  ‘Not at all,’ she said quietly. ‘You gave me the same advice yourself once.’

  Their eyes locked. Then Heath said meditatively, ‘So I did. But I also gave you some very different advice once, if I recall.’

  She shrugged slightly. ‘I thought the second lot cancelled out the first,’ she said with a grin.

  ‘At the time it was intended to,’ he murmured, and as she went to look away, lifted a hand to her chin and with gentle strength forced her to keep looking into his eyes. ‘Why do I get the feeling, though, that you’ve disregarded my second lot of advice and are sticking to the first, Sasha?’

  A trickle of apprehension ran through her as he gazed down at her more seriously and searchingly than ever before. Does he know? she wondered as that trickle became a tiny moment of panic and she lowered her eyelids in case he should see it, and at the same time willed herself to speak.

  ‘Could it be circumstances?’ she said at last, then went on to qualify what she’d said, trying to speak slowly and convincingly. ‘I mean, I think circumstances might have made it look that way. But Brent did have to go away. And …’

  ‘And you decided you had to stay,’ he filled in for her and abruptly released her chin. ‘I see what you mean.’ He looked down at her hand.

  Oh no, you don’t, Heath, she thought with an aching heart as she watched him, his lids with their gold-tipped lashes masking his eyes. But it’s better this way. In fact it’s the only way I can do it. I tried the other way once—it seems so long ago, and yet it seems like yesterday. But I could never do it again …

  His lids lifted unexpectedly and the deep blue fire of his eyes caught her off guard for an instant so that she felt flustered and wary and said hurriedly, ‘But we’re not talking about this, are we?’

  ‘Aren’t we?’ he asked with his old look of mockery. ‘No, you’re right,’ he added as she tried unsuccessfully to draw her hand away. ‘We were talking about when would be a suitable time for us to terminate our engagement. When is Brent due home?’

  She was taken aback slightly. ‘I … I’m not sure. Not for another few weeks at least,’ she stammered slightly. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I thought if you could put up with me for another few weeks, say—until I get out of here and right back to normal, there seems no reason to rock the boat unnecessarily. After all,’ he added with a gleam of humour, ‘I’m supposed to take things quietly, aren’t I? That’s what everyone keeps telling me.’ He pursed his lips in a very good imitation of Doctor James who had been in to see him daily, ‘The main thing is not to get over-excited, Heath my lad! I’m not quite sure what he classes as over-excitement,’ he went on in his normal tone, ‘but I suspect what I have in mind wouldn’t meet with his approval at all.’ He looked at her significantly, testingly almost.

  But Sasha had no doubt what he meant and her mind flew to Veronica and the two of them together again, and Veronica’s words ran through her brain … I know what it’s like to be made love to by Heath as no other 1 man can do it … And to Sasha’s mortification, she blushed vividly and wrenched her hand away and stood up. She heard Heath laugh softly as she crossed back to the window and for a moment, thought she hated him and would have given anything to tell him so. But she made an incredible effort and finally turned back to face him.

  ‘All right,’ she said evenly. ‘But then we break it, whether you want to or not. And if you’re still not ready for … for the excitement of Veronica, you’ll just f

  have to put up with Edith. In fact,’ she added with a flash of irritability, ‘Edith might even have a more soothing effect on you than I do. Could be just what the doctor ordered!’

  She picked up her bag and made for the door, unwilling and unable to have any more words with Heath Townsend on this bright beautiful spring day that wasn’t so bright and beautiful any more.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Out,’ she flung over her shoulder. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow morning.’

  She didn’t see; the strange look that crossed his face as she closed the door behind her. But she leant back against the door for a few minutes until her breathing steadied and her legs felt less like jelly and took the time to wonder why she was in such a state.

  Two days later she was sitting on the side of the bed playing cards with him, the rhythm of their relationship since the night before the operation almost restored, although she wasn’t quite sure how she’d managed it.

  It had been so hard to come back yesterday, after stalking out the way she had. But beyond a certain look of speculation in his eyes when she had first entered the room, Heath had said nothing to make her feel uncomfortable, and gradually she had relaxed at the same time as she had realised rather bitterly that Heath could always make her relax if he set his mind to it. But she brushed aside the tiny spurt of resentment she felt, deliberately.

  ‘Oh well,’ she said lightly, coming back to the present and staring at the cards he’d laid down for her inspection on the wheeled table between them, ‘that does it! You’ve not only won my life savings but all my worldly possessions. I can’t believe how lucky you are at this game,’ she added with some genuine exasperation as she looked back from his four aces to her full house.

  ‘I really thought I had you then,’ she went on confidingly.

  ‘Luck’s me middle name, lady,’ Heath drawled lazily with an adopted American twang. ‘Lucky in love, lucky at cards—you name it. I say,’ he said, switching accents adroitly, ‘there’s one way you could pay off this debt, ma’am, but I hesitate to put it into words.’

  She looked at him with a mortally wounded expression. ‘Sir, I would rather spend the rest of my days in rags than succumb to your ungallant offer. I would rather die than accept such a fate! You are a cad, sir!’ she added in ringing tones.

  ‘You could always close your eyes and think of England,’ he said insinuatingly.

  ‘No, I couldn’t, Heath
,’ she said with a giggle. ‘Will you stop playing the fool? Or I’ll leave you to play Patience on your own!’ she threatened, but still laughing at his suddenly pious, hard-done-by expression.

  ‘Dear, dear Sasha,’ he pleaded, ‘don’t do that! Say you won’t leave me!’

  ‘Very well, I won’t leave you. So long as you behave yourself.’

  ‘I will,’ he said fervently, and grabbed her hand to raise it to his lips, but a sudden movement from the doorway caused him to freeze and his navy blue eyes to open wide.

  ‘What is it?’ queried Sasha, and turned. And froze herself, momentarily, because standing in the doorway were the two people she had least expected to see there.

  But there was no mistaking her father and Stephanie, and there was no mistaking the fact that Stephanie’s eyes were riveted to Sasha’s left hand, still curled around Heath’s, and the ruby and diamond ring on her finger that was catching a stray gleam of light and reflecting it with a combination of mysterious red and white fire.

  Stephanie was the first to break the silence.

  She took an uncertain step forward and breathed, ‘Heath? Sasha?’ as her eyes travelled to each of their faces in turn. Then it was like a floodgate opened. ‘Oh, my darlings!’ she cried, ‘I’m so happy for you both! I couldn’t think of anything more perfect. You’re just so right for each other. Oh, Sasha, if you only knew how happy this has made me,’ she said huskily with tears streaming down her face as she reached the bed. ‘My last dream come true …’

  Sasha opened her mouth, but was immediately aware of the pressure of Heath’s fingers on her own. Then her father was beside her and she saw how his face shone with happiness for her, and she swallowed hard, but the words refused to come and the moment was lost in a. welter of affectionate embraces.

  ‘But why didn’t you tell us?’ Stephanie asked. She glanced at Jonathan. ‘This must have been what Edith meant when she warned us to expect a surprise,’ she said helplessly and happily, and he put his arm round her affectionately and drew up a chair for her.

  ‘Sit down, my love,’ he said. ‘I expect Edith thought they might want to tell us themselves.’

  I suppose so,’ said Stephanie, dabbing at her eyes with his handkerchief. ‘Well, I must say you’ve quite taken the wind out of my sails,’ she added ruefully, and sent Heath a mischievous look. ‘I was all set to sweep in here and read you both the riot act. Yes,’ she went on more in her usual manner, ‘I’m not surprised you both look the picture of guilt and haven’t got a word to say between you! If what Edith did tell me is correct and you didn’t let me know—well, words fail me!’ she said simply.