Jealousy at TAC

by Richard Pinkerton

Tucker Pyles was supposed to be out the back of the pub stacking empty bottles in crates. It was part of the many jobs he had to do while working part time at the local tavern. In some ways it had its advantages because he was also able to enter the bottle store, which meant he could help himself to the odd hip flask of spirits. He'd already gained a nice stash of alcohol hidden away in the bushes out the back of his house, although he hadn't had the guts to drink any more than a few sips of it yet, but he'd get around to it.

  Recently he had discovered the Internet and the joys of the social networking website FaceLink, so it became increasingly difficult to get motivated to do anything else but sit in front of the PC in the staffroom and interact with his new virtual world. This meant that his job of stacking bottles had been put on the backburner.

  If he had been at home, he’d hopefully be able to get on his mother’s new computer, if she wasn’t hogging it. At school he could even use the Internet lab at lunch time to get on, but at work he had to sneak on there when nobody else was around... at least in between breaks anyway.

  He’d set up a user ID and named himself StudMuffin. He’d found a picture of a male model about his age and put it in his profile. He added others too, of the same guy to his gallery, including one of him with his shirt off, showing off his washboard abs. ‘Man, I’m hot, even if I say so myself.’

  He made up details of himself, making him sound like a sporty sort of a guy who was good at just about everything you could imagine. He attended a school in New Plymouth and was a dancer in his spare time, doing all sorts of stuff from Disco to Latin. The dancing was a great touch. If that didn’t impress the goddess, then nothing would.

  And that’s what this was all about… Impressing the goddess… getting to know her on-line, charming her and making her fall in love with him. Then once she had fallen in love with him on-line, they could finally meet and the fantasy would become reality, after all, it had worked for many other online couples.

  The words his friend Ash said echoed in his mind. ‘But she’ll be expecting this StudMuffin guy. When you turn up she’ll scream and run for the hills.’

  ‘Oh ye of little faith,’ Tucker had said. ‘It won’t matter. She’ll be so in love with me by then, it won’t matter what I look like.’

  ‘That’s all very well,’ Ash said. ‘But the person she’d be falling in love with wouldn’t be you either. It’s you pretending to be someone you’re not.’

  ‘But that’s only to begin with... before we get to the instant messaging. Once there, she’ll be talking to the real me and I can bring out that old Pyles charm that the girls love so much. Ash, Ash, Ash, you’ve got to realise here, that you’re dealing with a genius mind here. I have this thing completely sussed out.’

  ‘Well no, you don’t,’ his other friend, Hew, said. ‘There’s one vital piece of data that you’ve completely failed to take into account.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Vanessa’s gay. She’s not even gonna look twice at your profile, you moron.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Ash said. ‘What you really need to do is make up a profile of a woman. Then you might get somewhere.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ Tucker snorted. ‘And then what? When we meet, I turn up in drag or something? Get real. No way I’m dressing up as a woman.’

  ‘Well it’s gotta be better than dressing up as Tucker Pyles!’

  Both Ash and Hew burst out laughing.

  ‘Urrrrrrrbbarrrrrrr. Ye doubting Thomases,’ Tucker growled. ‘Just you wait and see. My genius plan is gonna work and then you’ll be laughing at the other sides of your asses. You’ll see!’

  StudMuffin’s account had been set up and Tucker had sent a friendship request to Vanessa the night before. He thought his message was perfect and it was neat that he had a spell checker, because it actually made everything read properly for a change...

  Hi Vanessa. My name’s StudMuffin. You probably know me as Roger. Well actually you may not remember me, but I remember seeing you dance at the New Plymouth Latin Dance Spectacular. You were fantastic. I was also a dancer there. I thought seeing as you and me both like dancing, you might accept me as a friend. My friend Jacqui Donaldson mentioned you were on here as BootyGirl. By the way, where did you get that name from?

  Tucker had to congratulate himself on using Jacqui as a referral. If Vanessa thought he really was one of her friend’s friends, then she’d be more likely to accept a stranger. He eagerly went to his inbox, seeing that he had an incoming message. His eyes lit up when he saw it was from BootyGirl. ‘Praise the daughter of Aphrodite! It’s her!’

  He opened up the message. It read...

  Hi StudMuffin. Wow, is that really your user name? You must think very highly of yourself. So you’re a dancer too, huh? That’s great. My username is an old nickname my girlfriends gave me. It’s a duel meaning. One because they say I have a great ass and the other because I love great asses. However your ass is not the type I go for. So I’m going to decline your invitation. I don’t know you and have no desire to have guys hitting on me, not even online. So long, StudMuffin.

  ‘UUuuuuBBAAA!’ Tucker couldn’t help but let the cry explode from his lungs. ‘That’s not fair.’ He sighed deeply. Perhaps Ash was right. Perhaps choosing a male profile wasn’t the way to go after all?

  ‘Tucker, what the hell’s all that yelling about?’ The owner of the tavern, Rita entered the room.

  Tucker jumped and sat upright. ‘I was just... I was...’

  ‘Are you mucking around on that computer again? I knew it was a bad idea putting one in here. Have you finished stacking those crates yet?’

  ‘I was just going to. Just finishing up my break.’

  ‘Your break finished ten minutes ago.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Tucker closed out of FaceLink and got up.

  ‘I’m warning you, Tucker. I’m tired of your skiving off. It’s happening a lot lately. I gave you this job in good faith and just because Rod Williams tricked me into firing you and just because I rehired you when I found out the truth, does not mean I am going to let you get away with doing anything you like. You’re still walking on thin ice with me.’

  Tucker thought back to Rod Williams, trickery and nearly scowled. Rod had deliberately made him late to work, when Tucker was on his final warning. In fact, his scheme had left Tucker stranded in New Plymouth without a way of getting back to Te Arawa. However, a miracle occurred and what Tucker could only conclude was an angel, managed to get the truth to Rita, which resulted in him getting his job back.

  Rita huffed. ‘Come on, move it!’

  Tucker decided it best to do what she said and went back to work.

  He didn’t get a chance to get on FaceLink again until he got home that night. Fortunately, his mother was in bed, so he had a chance to get back online.

  Tucker had a new plan. He deleted his old profile and created a brand new one. This time he would create a profile of a girl. A very sexy girl, one that Vanessa would not be able to resist. She would be a hot blonde, with a curvy derrière. Her name would be Cheeky Cherry and she would be gay and a fan of frilly silk underwear.

  ‘You’re a genius, Tucker Pyles,’ he said to himself. ‘An absolute genius. She is going to love you and then she’ll be begging to meet you.’

  Now all he had to do was find a model and he knew a great website to visit, a New Zealand modelling agency named Tanners. He enjoyed visiting it to view the beautiful models in their finery.

  As he browsed through some eye popping photographs, a hand clamped down on his shoulder. ‘What on earth are you looking at?’

  Tucker nearly leapt through the roof and he spun his head around to see his mother standing there, open mouthed.

  ‘What is this filth? This is porn. You’re looking at porn!’

  ‘No, Mum, she’s got underwear on.’

  ‘That’s filthy disgusting porn and I’m not having you look at that sort of stuff on my computer!’

  ‘But I need it, for
my profile.’

  ‘What? What are you talking about? Get off that computer right now, you dirty, filthy sod!’

  Tucker quickly rose to his feet and knocked his chair over in his haste. There was no way he was going to argue with his mother.

  She thumped him hard on the shoulder and shouted, ‘Now look what you done! Knocking over the furniture and waking up the entire household!’

  There was only his Dad there in the house and with her shouting, it seemed to Tucker that he would be awake now for certain.

  ‘I oughta get my belt and give you a good strapping! I’ve a good mind to do that, but the last time I did, you made me break the buckle.’

  ‘That wasn’t my fault.’

  She slapped him hard around his flabby face. ‘Don’t be so darn cheeky! You’re getting too fond of being cheeky! If you hadn’t caused me to have to give you the strap in the first place, I wouldn’t have broken the buckle. I thought getting this computer and hooking up the Internet was a bad decision. I should have known you’d start looking at smut on the Internet. You’re a dirty, disgusting boy! You can go to bed right now and don’t expect any supper!’

  ‘UUuuBBAAAA!’

  ‘Don’t argue with me. Just get to bed, you pervert!’

  UUBBAAaaaaaaaaa,’ groaned Tucker. He shut down the computer, realising he’d have to try again tomorrow. At least he’d partially created the profile.

  His mother delivered him a hard kick to the rear to get him moving. He let out a yelp and quickened his pace, rubbing his butt as he walked. ‘Bitch,’ he hissed under his voice.

  ‘What did you say?’ his mother boomed.

  ‘Itch!’ Tucker said, scratching himself where she kicked him. ‘I’ve got an itch.’

  ‘That better be what you said, you cheeky sod. No darn respect, that’s your problem!’

  Tucker retired to his room, but wasn’t about to go to bed yet until he’d done one last thing. Compose a note that he could type later as a friend request. With pen and paper he set to work and about half an hour later had something he could be pleased with.

  Hi Vanessa. You probably don’t know me, but I’ve heard a lot about you through a friend who goes to your school in Te Arawa. You should know that I am sixteen years old and gay. It’s really hard because I’m afraid to tell people about it because they might think I’m a pervert and I’m scared to try to approach other girls in case they hate my guts. Maybe you’ll be able to give me some good advice? Can we be friends?

  Tucker chuckled to himself as he read his note one last time and wrote one last line as an afterthought…

  By the way, I love curvy butts.

  ‘You’re an ubbing genius, Tucks. When she sees this and my pictures, she’s gonna jump at the chance to be my friend.’

  CHAPTER 4:

  Reverend Flanders Takes Control