Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  Itʼs comforting to know that women were just manʼs first really good idea.

  Iʼd like to cite Angry Mob v. Frankenstein - we are not responsible for all your nonsense.

  Turns out the womanʼs dumber than the man, but she has this thing that if she doesnʼt give it to him, he starts to obey. I shall exploit that.

  Dressed as a snake. Sheʼs going for it . . . Yes! She ate the forbidden apple! Guess God wasnʼt paying attention. Omniscient, hah!

  So I won. Theyʼre getting kicked out. Boo hoo.

  Theyʼre holding hands and crying. I wish someone would hold my hand :(

  Beelzebub just isnʼt what I want. Stop crying! I didnʼt cry when I got kicked out of heaven and lost Parad—I FOUND A NAME FOR MY MEMOIRS!!

  The Metamorphosis

  by Franz Kafka

  @bugged-out

  Another day. Gotta go out selling.

  Typing feels weird today.

  Uh-oh. There are some white spots on my stomach . . .

  I seem to have transformed into a large bug. Has this ever happened to any of you? No solution on Web MD.

  This is so weird. I read that this kind of thing usually reflects a deep disgust and discomfort with oneʼs body. Is this true? Ana/Mia/bug??

  Family not happy with my condition! Father and mother may want me dead.

  Sister leaves me food!!! Thank god.

  Sorry no updates. Bug time is weird. Lose track.

  Sister very timid and confused - whatʼs up with that? - but still leaving me food.

  Looked outside today. Men living in my house! Who let them in? Sis plays violin for them! MORE DEGRADING THAN BEING AN INSECT.

  Thatʼs it. Iʼm going out there. Wish me luck.

  OMFG, my father totally threw an apple into my back.

  REPEAT: THERE IS AN APPLE LODGED IN MY FUCKINʼ BACK!

  I am dying - the pain grows greater every day.

  If I die my family may be able to move on. I curse the day I inexplicably transformed into a gigantic, six-legged metaphor!

  And the rest is silence . . .

  (Now that Iʼm gone my sister is a capable woman with a promising future. Guess the real ʻmetamorphosisʼ was hers!)

  The Stranger

  by Albert Camus

  @TheRiskofSyphilis

  Mom dead. Not sure if it was today or yesterday.

  At the funeral now. Bored. People seem sad. Text, donʼt call. This old man was totally schtupping mom!

  Funeral took forever. Spotted a woman on the way home. Will see her tomorrow, maybe get lucky.

  At the beach, day is hot. I guess I find myself aroused by Marie - I guess.

  Jesus, Raymond hit his woman again. Apparently weʼre friends.

  Making omelets. Marie drops L-bomb. Too soon I think! Why must women always play hate ʼnʼ shit?

  Work sucks. Boss is such a douche. Donʼt worry, Iʼm not moving!!

  Marieʼs gotten over herself. Women. Going to the beach with Raymond and her.

  God, itʼs hot. Long ride. Lunch soon.

  DRRRRUNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

  Atmosphere heavy, taking a walk. Taking the revolver too, Arabs abroad. Still hot and still drunk. Good combination.

  The sun is oppressive and sickening. Becoming mad. Fever from the light, and eyes are tired.

  Arab in the distance. Those folks are trouble. KNIFE! THIS SHIT JUST GOT HEAVY!!!

  May have shot Arab. Four times. The heat had beaten madness into my brow. Whoʼs got 200 francs for bail?

  Trial starting today. Why does everyone tell me I didnʼt do it? They ask if I am sure.

  Just finished my statement. Told it all like it was. Lawyer seems regretful, judge angry, Marie wistful. I am confused.

  Priest still bothering me. I feel guilty without knowing it (nor will I ever) then yelled at him until I was called a devil. What a tool.

  It is such a burden to see Marie, although it comforts me. She may stop coming one day.

  Big day tomorrow. Feeling pretty good. One last favor: please come to the execution. Represent with your howls of hatred.

  Found an exit.

  Oedipus the King

  by Sophocles

  @WhathappensinThebes . . .

  Ever have weird flashes of memory from childhood, like getting tied to a tree in a forest and crawling a hundred miles to safety?

  I have a lot of weird thoughts herding sheep all day. Boring, boring, boring. Shit, someoneʼs coming . . .

  Itʼs the king! Heʼs yelling at me as the sheep bleat and I tweet. Cell phone use probably upsetting both.

  If someone tries to kill you but you kill them first, thatʼs self-defense right? Even if youʼre a shepherd and theyʼre, uh, King of Thebes?

  Anybody have Johnnie Cochranʼs number?

  PARTY IN THEBES!!!!! Nobody cares I killed that old dude, plus this woman is ALL OVER ME! Total MILF.

  Whoʼs the DJ in this place? Why does he keep playing ʻThe Endʼ by The Doors?

  Who are these people who keep coming up behind me singing ominous choral pieces? Iʼm busy trying to mack here!

  Hey, this lady is the queen. Getting some royal booty. Weird: She seems not the least bit upset that I killed her old husband!

  Slow day preparing to be king.

  ACK! Having more flashes of childhood memory. I see my parents arguing about some prophecy where I kill them. Is it just me, or . . . ?

  These bizarre emotions have opened a whole new bag of issues. Must tell Sigmund next session to forget about abandonment and focus on this.

  Oh my God. These people will NOT stop singing behind me. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! BTW: How do they know my name?

  An old guy outside the palace keeps yelling about ʻyour motherʼ . . . ʻkilled your fatherʼ . . . ʻinces—ʼ well, shit.

  MY EYES MY FUCKING EYES AGGGGHGHGHGHGHHHH!!!!!! I was totally not expecting that to hurt so much.

  Oh well. Must keep on trucking to Colonus. Wish I had a seeing-eye dog. Glad I learned touch-typing.

  Childe Haroldʼs Pilgrimage

  by Lord Byron

  @GreekWithEnvy

  While my senses bend at the sublime, And quake before the oceanʼs trepidation . . .

  My spirit blazes wrath of the divine, Soars greatly, loves, swoons, rages, and bangs your wife.

  Lost 100 followers with those last two!! Sorry guys!!! Will try to be more direct!

  My journey has begun. Iʼve set off into the world with 100 gallons of ink and paper. My companion is vomiting overboard.

  I grow weary of Englishmen. They have no appreciation for the vastness of the earth. Wine, servant, MORE WINE! Going on a bender tonight.

  What a world weʼve been given! Were I God himself I could not engineer one finer than this!

  The wind caresses my face like the arse-fart of a Peloponnesian princess.

  Today I ate six biscuits, boxed an hour, and wrote a letter to Napoleon.

  Met an Albanian leader. What wisdom inhabits him! Yet he does enjoy killing the innocent for no reason at all. We have become close friends.

  Tambourgi! Tambourgi! the Albanian minstrels chant. I do believe that knowing this song gives me immediate insight into their world.

  Greece. Note to self: upon arrival home, seduce sister.

  These Greek eight-year-olds in my garden are H-A-U-G-H-T HOT.

  Second note to self: try to separate real life and poem to avoid confusion. Maybe change name from Byron to Harold?

  Iʼve purchased traditional clothing. These local women fall at my knees and beg to be my concubines.

  I have grown to love this part of the world, and how much richer and more tender it is than England.

  Also, got a sweet tan from the Aegean sun. FTW.

  Keep posted for the next two cantos in six years.

  I hope I donʼt get distracted by a wife in that time. Gosh, I would be the worst husband ever. But Iʼm a great lover. Isnʼt that ironic?

  You know what would really put a halt to my poetic aspirations? Tuberculosis. Oh Keat
s, thank god I wonʼt end up that way.

  Itʼs all this Mediterranean air thatʼs keeping me safe. Yes, I definitely canʼt get tuberculosis down here.

  Slaughterhouse Five

  by Kurt Vonnegut

  @allesuberdeutschland

  Welcome to my great war Twitter!

  . . . unsure what to post next. Old buddy no help. Any suggestions?

  I think Iʼm unstuck from time. Will this screw up my feed?

  This is a crazy journey! Isnʼt my name - Pilgrim - just so fitting for this? Just so you know, Dresden is totally getting bombed.

  So it goes.

  The army is tough. Iʼm so not cut out for this! Somebody get me out of here.

  War doesnʼt suck. It goes.

  Oh man, I just met these aliens from Tralfamadore, and they see time totally different.

  Aliens are a perfect insightful foil for the horrific violence brought on by the human condition. AND THEYʼVE GOT EYE-STALKS!!

  Stuck behind the lines. When are the aliens coming back? Iʼm cold and everyone here is a simple portrait of life. Becoming very cynical.

  Captured by Nazis. So it goes.

  With the aliens again. Or I am very old. Or very young. A less clever literary device would be much less upsetting to my stomach!

  Dresden is such a beautiful city! Iʼll have to show my grandkids!

  Iʼm stuck in a meat locker. The city is being bombed. Not sure if this will upload. Wish me luck!

  Tralfamadorians look like toilet plungers. They want to watch me get it on with hot chick. Flush that! Night curtain please.

  Everything destroyed. War is terrible. Can you all not see how terrible war is? My survival is an accident.

  The world is cruel. The bombs have left a permanent mark on my psyche!

  I am just a baby.

  So it goes.

  Harry Potter (1-7)

  by J. K. Rowling

  @NotoriousHP

  Hello everyone from under the stairs! Aunt and Uncle threw me under here again. Gosh, life is so hard.

  That fat fuck Dudley stole all my food! I wish something good or at least interesting would happen to me.

  OMG Iʼm a WIZARD! And my parents are DEAD WIZARDS! Off to magic boarding school. PEACE BITCHES!

  OMG Hogwarts OMG I have two friends OMG magic OMG the Slytherins are Nazis OMG there is an EVIL WIZARD out to get me.

  Snape a douche! Dumbledore a wise man (but maybe gay?). Voldemort tried to kill me! Flying broomstick! Battle over magic crack-rock!

  OMG the yearʼs over. Time goes fast when youʼre having fun. Goes slow if you have to read seven books with lots of adverbs.

  Back to school! Should be a great year! I hope nothing crazy happens like last time.

  No! Voledemort is trying to wreck my shit up AGAIN!! I am TIRED of these MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE!

  Back to school AGAIN! This year definitely better! A dude who tried to kill me turned out OK. Sometimes misunderstandings happen. LOL.

  Oh man, big tournament at my school!! PSYCHED! I hope nobody dies this year, and every year as if by clockwork.

  Competing in a tournament. Also: is it just me, or should they really have a tougher vetting process for Dark Arts teachers?

  OMFG VOLDEMORT AGAIN. Donʼt worry, I have the hang of this by now. Plus thereʼs a secret society out to protect me. Give up already LV.

  I AM UNDERGOING A LOT OF ANGST RIGHT NOW. And this Asian girl is giving me a major hard-on. Blue balls suck. No magic potion for it either.

  Donʼt believe anyone who says Voldemort isnʼt back AGAIN. I KNOW WHAT I SAW!

  Big brawl at Ministry of Magic! Sirius is dead. Super-pissed. I just used the torture spell, didnʼt I? Iʼm going to Azkaban now, arenʼt I?

  Back to school again! Boy, everything better go well this year or Iʼm going to eat a wand.

  Hey! My friendʼs sister is totally hot for me. Feels a bit dirty, but yeah baby, you like my scar, donʼt you? Wanna see my wand?

  SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF? THIS IS LIKE THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER EVER!!!

  Sometimes this guy, Tom, keeps showing up. I donʼt want him around but I donʼt have the heart to tell him, because he killed my parents.

  NM last tweet. Killed him. Something about a prophecy. Who cares? Last seven years have felt like same one, over and over.

  The Red and the Black

  by Stendhal

  @Byrony

  My new black robes can pass as the most austere in all the region. The maid went to town today.

  Moved into the Mayorʼs house to tutor kids. Wife mistook me for a starving peasant girl.

  Impressed everyone by memorizing Bible. Winged it on Horace, though. Easy to know Latin when nobody else knows it.

  Wife insulted my dignity, suggested I buy new linens. Told her off though!

  Mayor displeased by my treatment of his wife. What a downer. Yelled at him too. Got a raise, big time.

  Wife over it. Totally wants my babies. Though beautiful, canʼt say Iʼm feeling it.

  On second thought, itʼs my duty to seduce her, isnʼt it? Hypocrisy drives me. Itʼs a point of honor.

  Grabbed her hand in the garden, freaked out, and forced her. Got it on.

  Been too busy to post. Torrid affair. Kinky. Much like Napoleonʼs conquest of Spain, really.

  Iʼve been discovered, must move to Paris to work with a Marquis. Hope he has a hot wife . . . or daughter.

  Daughter. Schwing! Score!

  Went six to noon today thinking about Napoleon. What a guy.

  Iʼm on this ladder, right? Just trying to get some action and next thing I know Iʼm bleeding on the floor. FML.

  I believe Iʼve finally earned the Marquisʼ trust.

  Oops. His daughter is pregz. I swear Iʼm not the daddy!!!

  Mayorʼs wife totally blew my cover. Iʼve gotten pistols made. Must take her out.

  Backfired. Sheʼs not dead, and Iʼm on trial.

  Sheʼs trying to free me, but no, Iʼve got a duty to truth and society. I tell the court what happened. Might not be able to post for a while.

  In jail. It blows. Guardʼs an ass. Time to repent soon, but Iʼm not going for it. I wonder if this will inspire a book. Or a movie. With Leo.

  Today is the sentencing. I am guilty. Women fill the courtroom, bawling. My, itʼs two oʼclock in the afternoon.