“You.”
“Me.” I smiled wider.
She narrowed her eyes. “You promised.”
I shrugged. “I also made a promise to you a long time ago, too. I’d see them with you. I’m holding to your first promise you took from me.”
I knew it was wrong.
But with my family rotating through visiting them, as well as my own mother working there, I knew they were getting visitors.
And, they were doing extremely well.
Had they not, I would’ve gone to see them.
But I’d already broken so many promises, and this was one I couldn’t break. It just felt like, deep inside my heart, something I had to do.
“You’re such an ass.” She shook her head. “And I’m really, really not happy with you.”
***
Day 5
“You’re free to go, Mr. Hail,” the nurse said as she handed me my papers. “I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again, though.”
I just rolled my eyes.
Then I got out and walked next door to where Krisney was just getting settled.
“Honey, I’m home,” I teased as I walked in.
Hennessy rolled her eyes.
“You’re so weird.”
Chapter 18
Do you ever laugh at something that is really dark, and then wonder what the hell is wrong with you?
-Text from Travis to Reed
Krisney
“What are you doing here?”
Reed gave me a look that clearly said, without words, that he thought I was crazy.
“I’m here to watch you recover,” he said. “They’re even bringing my old bed in here. He paused, then grinned. “Here it is now.”
The orderly rolled it in and put it in the corner of the room, waved at Reed, and then left just as fast.
I narrowed my eyes.
“Henn,” I said softly. “Do you think you could give me and Reed a few minutes alone?”
Hennessy didn’t bother to argue, just got up and left.
The moment the door closed softly behind her, I turned my attention back to Reed.
“If you’re going to break my heart, just break it.”
I choked on the words, and his head snapped in my direction.
“What are you talking about?”
“I can’t live like this.” I blew out a breath to keep the tears at bay. “You’re hurting my heart. I don’t know if we’re together. I don’t know, from one day to the next, if you’re going to be nice Reed or mean Reed. Or used to not, anyway. Now you’re just all smiles and shit, and it’s fucking with my head. Before…sometimes you say the nicest things, and then others you look at me like I’m the antichrist.”
“I do not.”
His words were adamant, but I couldn’t help but shake my head. “You do…did.”
He looked so confused that I almost stopped and reevaluated if this was the right time and place to do this, but I couldn’t do this. It was seriously messing with my head to have him here.
My stupid heart was starting to feel that maybe he was there to stay…so if he wasn’t, I needed to know.
“I was…I’m all in.”
“You’re all in.”
“All in,” he confirmed.
“What changed?” I asked, staring at him.
“Nearly losing you.”
I laughed. “You could’ve lost me at any time. That’s a stupid reason.”
His eyes changed as he took a seat and stared at me across his bed.
“I can’t ever make it up to you,” he murmured gruffly. “I can only go on from here. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. My mom was in pain. Hell, I was in pain. I couldn’t believe my sister had to go through that. Then, once I did it…I couldn’t make myself move past it.”
I laughed humorlessly.
"You think you're the only one in pain, Reed?" I asked in a suspiciously calm voice. "Newsflash! You weren't!"
I was blaming my irrationality on the drugs that they were pumping into my system…or maybe my freakin’ hormones were still whacked.
Whatever.
I didn’t care.
My belly tightened as a sob hitched my throat, causing a shaft of pain to pour through me. Bile rose in my throat. I wanted to puke everywhere. But I knew I couldn't. This needed to be said, and if I started throwing up everywhere, he'd get all concerned. Then I wouldn't be able to get anything out of him because he was a freakin mother hen when it came to me. He always had been.
Which hurt even worse. He loved me. I loved him. But he refused to have anything to do with me because he thought it was the right thing to do. Or at least…he had been. Now, I didn’t even know.
However, half his argument when we were younger had to do with my parents and how much he disliked them, and they disliked him.
Well, they weren't in the picture anymore, now were they?
"What are you talking about, Kris?"
He looked utterly confused. Heartbroken.
"I introduced Jay to Amy," I said so softly that nobody would hear but him. "It was at a volleyball game. I don’t even know why she was there…Jay was there to watch me because my father dragged him along.” I looked away from his piercing stare. “I wish I’d never done it.”
He didn't reply.
I was about to tell him my most secret shame.
"And then I found out what he did," I whispered. "You know when someone is trying to get you to see how it would feel, and they say, 'Well, what would you think if it was your own sister?'"
He didn't nod. Didn't so much as twitch.
"Before he found your sister?" I choked out. "Yeah, he was doing some of that to me."
His eyes closed.
"You don't think I know what Amy was going through?” He swallowed, looking like I’d just punched him in the gut. I watched his Adam's apple bob with the movement. "It was me he used to victimize. Now I’m paying for my sins. For never telling a cop what he did to me."
Reed was taken from me. My babies were almost taken from me. My life was only hours away from slipping away. What was next?
"No."
Reed’s one word sounded like it was ripped straight out of his gut.
I smiled, but it wasn't in humor. It was in self-defamation.
"I was happy."
His eyes flashed.
"When he stopped, it was because he had someone new to do that to. Your sister.”
"What did he do?"
I could tell it pained him to ask. He didn't want to know. If he knew, then he couldn't deny it anymore.
"Everything but the one thing you’re thinking of."
Reed made a sound in his throat that sounded like he'd been stabbed in the heart.
I didn't waver.
"My mom knew he came into my bedroom because I told her," I whispered. "She knew that Jay liked to t-touch me."
"Did he rape you?"
Blunt. To the point.
It was killing him. He needed to know, but he didn't want to know at the same time.
He wanted to remain blissfully in the dark. But hell, didn't we all? Nobody wanted to know that bad shit happened to the people they loved.
And I knew Reed loved me. It was in his eyes. The same love that was in my own.
"He never got that in depth," I whispered. “It started a while before we met. Stopped when Jay started spending so much time at your house.”
I knew why he stopped…now. Then, I hadn’t. I’d just been happy that he had.
But Reed had never known, and now I could see the self-condemnation as he tried to come to terms with not being able to save me from it. Eventually, I would've worked up the courage to tell him, but even now, I hadn’t wanted to say the words.
Saying the words made them more real.
“That’s why you freaked out when I first touched you?” He swallowed. “When I touched you…that first time.”
I l
ooked away.
“I needed to see your face…and when you tried to turn out the lights, I might’ve had a flashback. But you calmed me down, turned on the lights, and let me see your face. From that moment on, I was never scared of you again.”
I looked back toward him and wanted to run into his arms.
He was mad, though.
I could tell.
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
He looked up at the ceiling, not accepting my apology.
“If I’d have known…”
I laughed harshly.
“I’m glad you didn’t,” I said honestly. “Right when I’d worked up the courage to tell you…Jay died. Then you would’ve stayed, because you felt pity. I get it. But if you didn’t want to stay, I didn’t want you to stay. I wanted you to live your life, and be happy.”
“That’s the thing.”
My eyes flashed up to his.
“What’s the thing?”
“The thing is that I wasn’t happy. Not even close. Tobias caught Jay…and then I got it in my head that I had to tell you goodbye. Kris, I haven’t been happy since you walked out the door that day.”
I wiped away the tears that were spilling down my cheeks.
“I guess that makes two of us.” I sniffled. “But Reed…it’s not enough. I want your love. Your time. Everything. I can’t do this anymore. I need to either have all of you or none of you. This in between…I don’t freakin’ like it. It literally hurts me to be around you. So, you need to make a decision. You need to figure out whether you want me and the babies, or if we should make a visitation schedule where you can see them, but I won’t be there.”
“You think I don’t love you?”
“A man doesn’t stay away from the woman he loves.”
I wanted to take the whispered words back before they’d even left my mouth, but now that they were out, I had to own up to the fact that they were true.
He gave me a kidney. He gave me half of his liver. He’d saved my life.
But saving someone’s life didn’t mean that you loved them.
Hell, people gave away kidneys all the time to a stranger. Sure, it’s rare, but it happened.
I was tired.
I was worn out.
I felt like nothing ever got any easier.
I wanted to see my babies.
It fucking sucked that I still couldn’t.
And I needed something more from Reed than just a shoulder to cry on.
I needed him to give me him.
To open up that steel-clad door and let me in.
And if he wasn’t going to let me in, then I needed to let him go.
Because I couldn’t do it anymore.
I needed something in my life to go right for once.
I needed Reed.
“You think I don’t love you?” he laughed. “A man that doesn’t love a woman would stay away from her. I can’t stay away from you. If you get too far away, like when you went to fucking Germany, my heart palpitates. I can’t function without knowing you’re okay. So, I followed you.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he shut me up by placing a finger to my lips.
“My turn,” he growled.
I bit my lip and leaned back in my new bed they’d transferred me into once I’d been let out of the ICU.
“What else?” he bit out as he got up out of his bed and started to pace. “I have parts on hand at Travis’s shop for your car. If anything goes wrong with that piece of junk, I have the parts in stock on the shelf for Travis to fix it. I think I have a few headlight assemblies in my Amazon cart right now because I saw that one of them was acting up again.”
My mouth fell open.
“I’ve been paying the old man that you bought your place from for ten years now. I didn’t want him to sell it, but I didn’t want to buy it, because you always said that you wanted to be there to sign the papers with me.” He turned around and started walking back. “Vet visits for Pepé. I paid for those, too. It wasn’t a kindness on their part since you adopted from one of their events. I made sure that I pre-paid. They still have my name on his records. That’s why, when they called a few days ago, I didn’t tell you who was on the phone. They were reminding me that Pepé had his annual check-up, and I didn’t want to see you cry.”
Because Pepé was dead.
Oh, God.
“Reed,” I breathed.
“You want more proof that I love you?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“I can’t sleep. I don’t think I’ve slept a full night since you left my house.” He paused. “I followed you home. I made sure you got there safely, walking behind you in the rain. I saw you drop down onto your knees on your front lawn, and I dropped down on mine in the street.”
A mewl left my mouth as I tried to hold my tears at bay.
It didn’t work.
They coursed down my cheeks.
“One of the happiest days of my life was when you came in that clinic, and I found out that you were pregnant with my babies,” he whispered gruffly. “The. Best.”
Hot tears dropped from my chin onto my arm, but I didn’t reach up to swipe them away.
There were too many at this point.
Nothing would stop them short of a freakin’ towel.
“The second-best day of my life?” He cracked his knuckles. “Waking up from my drug-induced haze, and finding out that you made it through surgery.”
I couldn’t freakin’ speak. Could hardly breathe.
“The third?” He leaned back against the wall across from me, kept his eyes on mine, and let me have it all. “The day you get to see the babies with me the first time.”
“That hasn’t happened yet.” I hiccoughed.
He smiled. “But it will…soon. And when it does, that’ll be my third best day.”
A sob caught in my throat, and I suddenly couldn’t stand for him to be so far away.
“Get in this bed with me.”
The moment he did, and I was close enough, he wrapped his arms around me and held on tight.
Both of us hurt.
Both of us were uncomfortable.
But having him so close…well, nothing else would ever compare.
It was too tight, but I didn’t mind.
What I did care about was that he was holding me. He was there. He was letting me in.
“I want to dig up his grave, and chop his bones up with a hacksaw. Burn them, and piss on them to put the fire out.” He growled.
“You saved me,” I whispered to him. “You don’t know it, but you did. I was broken. And you and your love fixed me.”
“I fucking hate him,” he said. “I didn’t think I could hate him even more, but somehow, I’ve managed it.”
“It’s okay. It’s over,” I lied.
It was never going to be okay. I was never going to forget. Not ever.
"Listen to me very carefully."
I shut up and listened, realizing that Reed wanted to speak, and wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Not a day has gone by in twelve years that I haven't thought about you. Wished that I'd made a different decision.” He repositioned himself in the bed, and a painful grimace crossed his face. Before I could tell him to go to his own bed, he continued—and completely rocked my world in the process. "I want what he stole from us. The house. The land. The kids. You. If you would’ve died, I don't know what I would have done. I want to say that I would've done the adult thing and taken care of our kids. Made a life for them. And maybe I would have. Most likely, though, they wouldn't know the same man that you left. They'd know a shell of a man who didn't want to be in a world that you weren't a part of.” His eyes were intense as he leaned forward. "I love you, Kris. Always have, and always will. There's nothing holding me back anymore. I don't care who doesn't approve. I don't care if my brothers will secretly hate it—even though they don't. I don't care if my mo
m never speaks to me again. Hell, I don't even have to live here if that's the case. All I care about is you and our little family. Please don't say no."
"Say no to what?"
"To me asking to marry you.” I looked at him with wide eyes.
"Is that what you're doing?"
He grinned and lifted his hand—which held a diamond ring in the palm. It was small. And everything I'd ever wanted.
"I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I bought this six years ago during a moment of weakness. I saw it, and thought of you."
A tear dropped down my cheek, and a wave of exhaustion washed over me.
My eyes drooped.
"Maybe."
He started to laugh. "All right."
"I'll keep the ring, though. Think about it real hard."
He grunted and slid the ring on my finger. It was a perfect fit.
"Perfection."
I agreed wholeheartedly.
And when the machine beeped, indicating that he'd pressed my pain pump button, I smiled at him. "The nurse told me that only I was allowed to press that," I teased.
He winked and stood, looking somewhat pained as he did.
"I'm a doctor. I can do it. Nobody else, though."
I snorted. "Whatever."
He leaned forward so our foreheads touched.
I threaded my hands around his neck, lifted my face so my nose could rub against his, and said, “I love you, Reed Hail.”
He shivered. “I love you, too, Krisney Shaw. Always have, always will.”
***
1 week later
I was nervous as hell as they pushed me into the NICU—neonatal intensive care unit—instead of to my car as they released me from the hospital.
My belly was doing somersaults, and I prayed that they were really okay like Reed's family, as well as Hennessy, kept assuring me that they were.
"Do you think they're ugly?"
Reed looked over at me in confusion as he situated his mask into place. "They're our children. They're not ugly. At least not to us."
I started to crack up. "I guess what I meant to say is, do you think they look like they did on the ultrasound?"
"You mean alien-like?"
I nodded.
"Maybe,” he admitted. “They're two weeks old, but that only makes them thirty-four weeks adjusted. They'd still have six-eight weeks to fatten up if they were still developing inside you. Since they're not, they likely look scrawny. Like you."
The Hail You Say Page 15
