by James Kelman
I went into the kitchenette and was looking here and then the door to go out and that was the balcony.
The door out was locked. The key was in the lock. I opened it but oh the rain was coming hard. But I just looked out. It was smashing, it was just smashing. I was going to get my coat to go out but my maw came in. She opened her message bags and got out the bread and cheese for sandwiches.
I helped with it. She was happy and saying how it was a great house.
Then was a loud tune from out in the street. I went ben the living room to see. It was a ice-cream van. Everybody looked out the window. There it was and people were queuing to buy their stuff. Oh we will make it a feast, said Uncle Billy. It is me and I am paying, do not worry.
Oh but, said my da.
No. It is me. Uncle Billy was laughing and he held up his glass. It is for the new house.
Chick was laughing as well. My maw was there and writing it down on paper. It was all sweeties and two bottles of ginger, six packets of potato crisps and two ten packets of cigarettes. Then she was laughing too. Oh Billy what about my sandwiches?
Oh we will eat them and all.
We are starving, said Chick.
I did not see her laughing much but now she was. Matt too was there and he was laughing too. What for? I did not know what for. If it was the ice-cream van and we were all getting stuff. I do not know. My da was looking over at my maw.
Uncle Billy went into his pocket and piled money into my hands. Oh Kierie boy.
My da said, You go as well Matt. He cannot manage it all on his own.
I can, I said.
Oh you will make a mistake. Matt, you go as well.
Put on yer coat, said my maw.
Heh son give yer brother the money, said my da.
Oh I can take it, I said.
Give him the money.
Now Uncle Billy got more money. Chocolates as well Matt, that is for your mother. Oh you are my darling big sister and I lo ye dearly.
Uncle Billy winked to all us. His old pal Chick was laughing and looking at my maw. I did not see him where we used to stay. He came from a street near the library and used to work beside Uncle Billy. Not now he was in England. Uncle Billy was staying in his house for the night. If he got drunk sometimes, my grannie and granda did not like it. Uncle Billy was saying it and making people laugh.
No my maw but, she just shaked her head.
Uncle Billy was good and ye got stuff off him. Ye just watched it when him and my da were drinking. One time he pushed me. But he did not mean it. I was walking past the couch and he leaned and it was a push on the shoulder for a joke. I was just wee and I fell on the floor. Oh sorry son sorry son. I did not mean to do it.
That was near the fire, said my maw.
Oh sorry.
Ye do not know your own strength.
My da was laughing. Oh he was just playing.
But that was a drink in him. My grannie said it, Oh if Billy gets a drink in him.
If he had money he gived ye it. In the old place he took me and Matt to the pictures. He just used to come up for us and said it, Coats on boys, and that was us away. Then two times to see the Rangers. That was great. I loved it. So did Matt.
My da did not take us many places. He needed a good job first. And if he could not get one. Well, he would have to. He did not want to go back to sea. Except if he had to that was that. Uncle Billy was saying to him about how it was jobs in England, if ye were getting big money and just all overtime, yer digs money, and ye saved it all up and that was you. He came home a lot of times. Ye got a bus down there and it took ye all the way back. Ye just got big money then came home and bought stuff. Ye just worked for it and ye got it, because the jobs were down there. My da was looking over at my maw. Then he was looking at me and Matt and we went down to the ice-cream van.
***
Our family and another one was first up our close. Ye had all the smells. Stones and concrete and everything that was going, all new, we had it, it was smashing, and ye were wondering who was going to be yer neighbours. I was wanting to go out and see stuff, just how everything was all new and all people that were new. But there was nobody to play with. Matt did not know boys either. When he went out I went with him and saw stuff all roundabout. But if he stayed in the room, usually he did, he was doing lessons all the time and just swotting. It was my room too but he did not want me in it. Oh it spoils my concentration.
My maw said it too. Oh Kieron it is his concentration, if you can just be quiet, he is doing his homework. Oh it is a ink-exercise, your brother is doing a ink-exercise.
I was not to go into his side of the room. Oh it is a house rule, it is a house rule.
Who said?
Me.
Who is me?
Him. He made the rule, and it was for the complete house. Then came the new beds. But the way they fixed things all was wrong and just not fair. It was the exact same sides. He got the window and I got the door. So if my side of the room had the door he always went in it when he came in. Then he went out, so that was him in my side again. But I was not to set foot in his. Oh keep to yer own side, do not set foot in mine.
But if his side had the window? So how come? I was not to look out the window. What if it was mine? If he had the door and I had the window. He would have wanted to look out. But if it was me coming in the door and it was his side, how did I come in. If I was going to my bed. Oh you cannot come in my side. Oh if ye get a ladder to climb up.
Because he would not have let me through. That was my house. How bad it was. Going to yer bed at night, ye would have to go outside and climb up a ladder.
I did not care about his side except the window. How come he had it? It was not fair at all, I could not even look out. If I just wanted to see. If it was getting dark, or raining, if it was pelting down or what. I just wanted to look out and I could not, so that was not fair. How come I could not just look out? That was all. How come I was not allowed to? Oh away ben the living room if ye want to look out the window.
That was what he said. Oh away out on the balcony. Ye love the balcony. Away out on it.
I did love the balcony. So what? If he had the bedroom, so the balcony was a place for me. If I was not even to go in my own bedroom. If it was his. The whole bedroom.
I just got let in to go to bed. That was my house, it just was not fair. He made all the rules, he just made them up. He kept his school books and jotters out all the time. They were even set on the window-sill. If he was out the house and I was looking out the window I had to watch no to bang into nothing. It was all there. The books and stuff, jotters and pads, and all in order. He kept them in order. The pages for reading all were marked. He took them off the window-sill at night but one time he forgot and left them there the whole time and when it came morning every single one was soaking wet. All the pages, pages and pages just soaked through all stuck the gether and tearing if ye opened them and Matt was just jumping about and all angry Oh he was angry, and bawling and shouting. But no me. How come it was me? He was just looking at me. It was not me. I did not do it. Oh it is all ruined it is ruined.
Well it is not my fault.
Oh away ye go.
It is my room.
Oh shut up.
My da saw all the wet. Oh it is just the damp, the water comes down off the windows in these houses.
I just went out the room. I was glad the balcony was there. The door went out from the kitchenette. If ye were waiting for yer tea ye could just open the door and go out. Even it was raining ye could stand in at the door and the water might not get ye, if it came down over yer head, past yer shoulder. Only if the wind was blowing hard, it blew the rain in on ye. Ours was the top floor so ye saw people over the back if they were in their balconies. A boy lived three closes along from me on the first floor and if he was out on his I saw him. He was out a lot. We kidded on we did not see each other.
The balcony was made out of bricks and had a wall round it but ye could not climb u
p on the wall good, it had a round bar along the top, it was made of iron. If ye sat up on it ye could not balance. If ye got up on the wall to stand ye could not do it right. That round bar hit into yer ankles so yer legs could not go straight, so if ye were going to walk, ye could not. I thought how to walk along the bar, it was like a tightrope. But if it was yer bare feet gripping, maybe they could.
There was no dykes in the new place, not real ones. Ye looked over the balcony wall and saw the backcourt. It was all stones and bricks, mud and big puddles. But the great thing was the balcony. It was mine, that was what I thought. If Matt got the bedroom, well then. My maw and da had their bedroom. They all had the bathroom. I never got the bathroom. They always were in it. Oh it is a bath, I need my bath, that was what they said. In the old place we did not have one except the swimming baths and they were for everybody. My maw loved the bath. She always was saying it, Oh I am away for my bath.
My da just laughed. Matt done it too, he always was wanting a bath. My da said, Oh is he got a girlfriend?
Matt did not like him saying it and went into the bedroom. He did not like me coming in except if I was going to bed. I heard him saying to my maw about a snib for the door.
Oh but what if yer brother needs to come in?
So if he snibbed the door, how could I get in? I could not. It was my room too.
Oh but it was all his lessons, his lessons his lessons his lessons. He needed to get peace and could not if I was there. I made all fidgeting noises and just was a complete pest, that was what he said.
But how come? I was not doing nothing if I was just in bed reading a book. Oh but he hated that too. If ye turned a page, Oh you are doing it too noisy.
I am not, I am just turning a page.
Well do it quiet.
Then if ye were going to sleep. He needed the light on. Well keep it on, I do not care. That was what I said.
Oh but I cannot do it right if you are wanting the light off and I have to be quiet.
Well I do not care if I need to go to sleep.
Oh you are just a blooming pest.
I telled my maw but she just went with him. Oh Kieron it is so important for your brother if he is doing his studies.
Oh studies, it is just swotting. I fell asleep and I woke up. It was him turning a page. Or a wee cough, he done all wee coughs, so that was me awake.
Oh I did not mean to wake ye.
But he still done it, if he coughed. If he coughed he coughed. But I did not care if he woke me. I liked noises and listening just to what it was if it was outside, motor cars or what, if it was music from through the wall or big boys shouting in the street or maybe just heels walking, oh that is a woman, cullick cullick, cohhhhh, cullick cullick.
But I found how I could read in the bedroom and not lie on the bed. It was a wee place down between my bed and the wall where the door was. The bed was pressed against the wall but ye could just squash down and under. My da kept all suitcases under my bed but I shifted them the gether and it was easy to squash in. But when I came out it was all fluff and oose stuff down my pyjamas. My maw was shouting. Oh Kieron it is filfy it is just filfy.
But it came up from the floor under the bed so it was not my fault. It was all dirty under there. I got a brush and just brushed under.
If it was after tea and Matt was going in to swot, I just went in first and got my place comfy. I had the book against the wall and it got the light. When he came in he knew I was there but he did not say nothing. Because if it was my side of the room.
I liked it there. Nobody saw ye and it was yours. But Matt did not like me doing it. Oh I am just reading.
Oh well ye can read in the kitchenette.
So can you.
Oh shut yer trap.
No for you.
I was not going to for him. He wanted me to go to the kitchenette all the time but people went in there and the chairs were not comfy. If I went into the kitchenette I just went out on the balcony.
It was my balcony I thought that and it was. A pipe was beside it and went up to the roof. Ye could lean over and touch it. Sometimes ye heard the ice-cream van but our family did not get stuff except if it was fags for my da. It was all too dear. They all just put their prices up because it was out in the scheme. Other vans done it. Butchers, fish shops, bakers, fruit and vegetables. They all were there and they had dear prices so we did not buy stuff off them. My maw went into town every Saturday morning then came home in the afternoon. She done a big shop. When she came home she was loaded down with message bags. How could she carry them all? She could not. Me and Matt went down to wait for her off the train and we carried them up and over the hill and way way along to our street. Sometimes it was not that train and ye had to wait for the next one. Then ye saw her getting off and if a man was giving her down the messages, so me and Matt ran to get them.
***
I wanted to go out but it was just raining all the time. When it went off I saw boys outside playing. They were kicking a ball. I went down and got a game. They were playing heidies. I played the winner. Pat and Danny, they were quite good players. The rain started. We sat in a close and were just talking how about the old places where they stayed and I stayed and what like everything was and if they had good dykes and places to go. They did not know about ferries but they had good stuff in their old places. It was smashing and I was telling my da and he was laughing, Oh Saint Patrick and Saint Daniel, that is who he is playing with.
There was Proddy boys round our bit but they were just older or younger or just did not go about. Ye saw them up at the window looking out. People stayed in the house. They had games and read books.
The Protestant Primary School was high up and had a real-size football pitch but the workies were still in doing stuff and it was not ready. After the holidays special buses were taking us to other schools till it was ready. The RC Primary School was ready. It was weer than ours and made of tin same as ours. So if a stone hit it it would make a tinny noise and what would happen.
Matt was going to his same Secondary School. There was not a Secondary School in the new scheme. He was getting a train to go. That was lucky. I read a book and the children went away to school and with their suitcases all packed, saying cheerio to their mothers and fathers at the train station. Boys to one school, girls to one and they just met up for hols. Some were sisters. They were with the boys at the seaside and had all adventures. If they were swimming and the lasses did not have their swimming costumes they just used their underwear and the boys just looked away. It was just all living together, doing yer lessons and then games and big dinners, ye saw them in the dorms and it was cakes and buns. They were posh and were in England but they were still like pals and ye thought if ye met them, well, they would be okay, and ye could show them places. My maw would have wanted it. It was posh people for her, she liked them. My da did too, a wee bit.
My maw was at the same work like in the old place but he was in the house all the time and was just grumpy and looking out the window.
One day was sunny and Matt was going a walk so I went with him. Outside our house ye crossed the road and went down a big hill to a field. Away over we found a burn that stretched the whole way and ye had to find places to cross. There were stones ye could step on one by one. We found a place with a big pond flooding. Big boys were there. We were watching them. They knocked planks of wood off the workies and tied them together. They made a raft and it could float. They went on it a while and gived us a shot. Matt got a big stick and pushed it on the bottom, it was smashing and just wobbled out. Oh but then the planks came away and we had to go in the water. Matt jumped away but I could not and fell a wee bit so my side went under but I got my hand down to get up. Matt was going back on the raft. So did I but it was all slippy now and ye had to watch it.
There was a lot of spare ground roundabout, some was fields where they were building new houses. Once ye got there it was a walk up a wee hill and out to another flat bit where the workies were making
a road. They had tractors and bulldozers. There was going to be new houses up and over the hill as well, thousands of them.
Some workies talked to ye. Others just chased ye and said they would give ye a boot up the a**e if ye went near their tools. One time they shouted at us, Wee Squatter b*****ds. So they thought we were the Squatters. I told my maw and she was angry.
They left all stuff lying about and ye could knock it if they were not looking or after teatime when they were all away home. Matt got pals with a big boy that builded the raft. He was called George. He had a young brother Jim and had to take him. So Matt wanted me to go as well so if I went with him and then Matt went with George but I did not want to. Jim was weer than me and was not a good runner and moaning a lot. George just punched him but it made him moan louder and then he was greeting. But it was not a hard punch. I did not want to go if the young brother was there.
Ye better, said Matt, else ye cannot come.
Him and George went ahead and left me and Jim so I just took him and we went with them. We knocked all nails and stuff off the workies. It was all in our pockets and too heavy so was pulling down yer trousers. Ye had to keep yer hands in yer pockets to hold them up. And the nails stuck in the cloth and tore it. Jim was saying to George, Oh mum is going to kill me. Oh that is your fault.
Matt and George had a hammer, a saw and chisels, and planked them down the field. I saw where they put them. Then Matt brought the hammer into the house. It was under the bed. He told me no to tell dad and no even to touch it else he would batter me. When he was out I got it. It was big and heavy and I could hardly hold it up, it just toppled.
Him and George were going back down the field. They went through the fence across from our houses and down the hill past the big boulder. I went after them and George's wee brother followed after me. They ran away so we ran after them. Once ye got to the big boulder ye were running fast down the hill and could hardly stop and ye were flying down and then thumping along the flat bit yer knees nearly hitting yer chin and then when ye stopped ye looked back to see how much ye had done. Back up the top of the hill was the houses, I saw my window.
