Kieron Smith, Boy

by James Kelman

  No.

  Oh aye it was you ye made a smell.

  No it was not.

  Oh away, it was.

  So then he got a red face. So it was him. It just annoyed ye when he done it. People thought it was you, Oh Smiddy f****d. That was Gary McNab. He just said it out loud so everybody looked.

  It was not me, it was McCulloch. He always did it. Lasses were there too and they smelled it. Imagine doing a f**t with lasses there.

  Then if they thought it was you. That was McCulloch. How could ye say about that, ye could not.

  How come he did not keep it in? People tried to unless for a laugh. But McCulloch was just.

  Imagine being his pal.

  People did not say f****d in my house. It was a bad word. But not a swear word. Bad words were not as bad as swear words but quite like it. Gary McNab thought f****d was a swear word. In his house they said pumped, his big brother too. Other ones said pumped. But that was a funny one because if it was a lassie, if a lassie got p****d, so it was a swear word. Oh he p****d her, that was swearing.

  But if it was a smell, Oh he pumped, then it was not, it was just bad, but not too bad and ye could say it.

  In Podgie's house it was f****d. His maw said it too, so he just said it. In Mitch's house it was pooped. When Mitch said it people laughed. Who pooped?

  Ye got rude words as well. Some rude words were bad words. But some were not. Belly was rude but not bad. Ye could say belly. Sometimes I did. Only if I was out the house. In the house it was stomach or tummy, my maw only said tummy. There was some bad words I could say. T***e and k***h, b*m, d****e and c**k. But I never said them. The same with f****d. Out the house people said f****d but I did not. I just did not.

  There were other bad words I did not say even out the house. S***e, a**e, p***k and f***y.

  Some bad words were like swear words. F****d was funny because a lot of grown-ups said it, Oh who f****d? One time on the train a man said it to his pal, Oh some c**t has f****d.

  Who let off and did not let on? that was what my da said.

  Some lasses said f****d. When I was wee I said it to my maw, Oh is f****d a swear word?

  She got angry and said I never ever was to say that word again. It is pimped, you have to say pimped, Oh I pimped, pardon me.

  I never said pimped. Matt did not either. We just said made a smell, Oh somebody made a smell.

  Ye could never say pimped out the house. Imagine the boys hearing. It was just complete stupid. Nobody said pimped except lasses. Lasses said it in the class too. Oh who pimped? Who pumped? It was just daft. Imagine ye had a pal said it. Who pimped? Well ye would no have him as a pal.

  Some words were not rude, just bad, nearly as bad as swear words. If it was yer thingwi, yer p***k or b**ls ye could not say any words, no in the house or if it was the class, except thingwi, Oh he hurt his thingwi, if the ball hit ye for a rupture, oh my b**ls, ye could not say it, just yer thingwi.

  F***y was a swear word, a lassie's f***y. So was h**e. Oh did ye get yer h**e? that was swearing. So for a laugh we used to sing.

  Oh I want my hol

  I want my hol

  I want my holidays.

  People looked to see if lasses heard us singing. Then if I was singing it too. I was. I could sing it if I wanted. Hoi holidays, that was not swearing. If it was a hole in the ground and ye were digging it. So I just sang it too, it was just a laugh.

  ***

  Matt got an old bike off Uncle Billy but my maw would not let it in the house. Oh that dirty old thing, it is filfy. He had to keep it out on the landing on top of newspapers. My da said if ye were just to clean it up, that was the first thing.

  Oh but it was very very heavy. Ye carried it down and it was sore on yer shoulder. The wheelguards were not working good. The front tyre was hitting in and rubbing. Ye could see it was all scraped. The chain came off if the wheels spun round too fast. Ye could get it back on but it just came off again and yer hands were total manky. It was a thick sticky dirt, all greasy, it went on yer jersey and trousers.

  Matt got fed up with it. Oh it is just blooming useless. I telled him how Rona Craig was in my class at school and her big brother was great at bikes and what if we showed him it? But Matt did not listen to me. He kicked it on the back wheel. Oh do not kick it, I said.

  I will kick it if I want it is my bike.

  Well it is not the bike's fault.

  Oh shut yer trap.

  When he carried it up the stair it was all dirt over his trousers. He got angry at it. I am going to sell the blooming thing to Joey Johnston. It is just a fawnti.

  Joey Johnston kept old bikes. He got bits out them or done them up and selled them. People said they would not buy a bike off him, but some did. He stayed round the other side of the scheme from us. His house was on the ground floor so he had the wee garden at the front. He kept a lot of stuff there. The neighbours did not like him doing it but if it was his garden. He covered it all with old blankets and tarpaulin. What if ye jumped the fence and knocked something? Oh but ye would not, ye would just be too worried to try it because if he catched ye he would batter ye. There was other Johnstons too, that was cousins. So if ye ganged up on him they would just gang up on you.

  People said he stole stuff. Maybe he did. I did not like him. He was not old but grumpy grumpy all the time. If ye went to his close to see his stuff he just swore at ye and telled ye to f**k off if ye were no buying nothing. Gary McNab flung a stane at him one time and he was going to grab us.

  I did not want Matt to sell the bike to him. Rona Craig's big brother was good, he showed ye how to. He did not mind if ye watched. I went with Billy MacGregor and Peter Wylie. I said to him about Matt's bike and how it was not going good. Oh just bring it and I will see it.

  That was what he said. I telled Matt but Matt just was moaning. Oh to pot with Rona Craig's brother.

  He did not like him. It was because he was good with bikes. He did not know him. They went to different schools. Rona's big brother had three bikes and worked on them out in the back close. He let us see his best one. Ye could lift it up with one hand. Even just with yer pinkie. It was a real racer and cost a right mint of money. His grannie got him it for his birthday. It had a green and white frame so it was Celtic but he did not bother about that. Oh it is Italian, it is white and green.

  He did not care about football and even who the teams were, and players playing for Rangers, he did not know who they were. Oh but bikes and who was racing champion, that was all he wanted.

  He put them upside down and picked into the chain and all the wee inside bits with a toothbrush, and then the spokes too, getting them all spick and span. Ye needed it right for racing, so if it was spick and span, that stopped the rust. And then with the oilcan, ye oiled in all the wee bits. Oh anything that moves ye just oil it. He showed us.

  He had two other bikes and kept them in a fixed wheel. Fixed wheels made ye crash so ye had to watch it. We got a shot on one and it was hard. Ye had to keep working the pedals and if ye took yer feet off - oh well you should not take off yer feet because trying to get them back into yer pedals, ye could not, the pedals were just whizzing round and round and yer feet banged into them and could not do it. A motor car was at the side of the road when Billy was going and he crashed into it, the handlebars skliffing along the side. A man saw him but he got away.

  Rona's big brother went long runs on his bike. He went away down to Loch Lomond and over the hills. Lots of people went. They made fires and boiled tea. Men were there too, and it was a good laugh round the fire and all having yer tea and people brought pieces with them and sometimes if it was a frying pan, somebody had one and they made sausages and just gived ye one. Rona's brother had all pals that went. It was a club for cyclists and they joined it. Matt could have joined it too. I asked. But just if he got his bike good, then he could go.

  I telled him. My maw was listening. Even an old bike, ye could get it good if ye fixed it. Ye got it clean and oiled and if it was s
pick and span. I would take it to Rona's big brother. So if he just done something and showed me and we could fix it. Maybe we could.

  But it is my bike, said Matt.

  Oh but we can clean it all up.

  Well it would be nice to see it clean, said my maw. Your father is sick of seeing it so filfy.

  Well it is too old, said Matt.

  It is not too old to be cleaned.

  But mum it is falling to bits.

  Oh he only wants to sell it, I said.

  Well you just want it for yourself, said Matt.

  Oh I do not.

  Yes you do.

  Well I would go it. You do not go it.

  Because ye cannot go it, it is a fawnti.

  It is not a fawnti.

  What is a fawnti? said my maw.

  Falling to bits, said Matt, that is what it is.

  Oh Matt it is not fawin it is falling.

  I said blooming falling.

  You did not, you said fawin. You can surely speak better than that.

  Oh well if I want to. If I want to I want to. It is not blooming fair. It is my bike.

  Oh Matt.

  She did not like him saying blooming. But it was not a swear word and it was not a bad word.

  Well I would clean it, I said.

  Matt looked at me but I did not look at him, then he made a signal. He was going to get me. It was a punch. I did not care. If he punched me for nothing. Brothers done that. They done it on the shoulder. Ye walked by and they just punched ye. I would not have hurt a young brother like that. No unless if he just really really needed it. And it would be a wee skelp, only a tap, so he knew no to do it the next time. But Matt done it for nothing.

  Oh well if Kieron can get it cleaned, said my maw.

  Matt shaked his head and went away out the room. That was him. Now it was a right bad temper with me but I did not care.

  After teatime me and him were in the kitchenette doing the dishes. I washed and he dried. He hated washing but I liked it because ye were first finished. But sometimes he just stopped before everything was washed. Oh I will come and dry it after. He did that to be first finished.

  He was not talking to me because of the bike but I was talking to him. He kidded on he was not listening. He whistled a tune, and was clinking plates and cups. I did not care.

  But that is what he done and it annoyed ye. So if ye were just trying to tell him something and it was clinking clinking and then whistling, he done it loud.

  I was just saying about the Milano bike. That was Rona's big brother's. It was a real racer and a lightweight. No like Matt's. It was the opposite, it was not thick and not heavy and its wheels were thin and just sparkling clean and all straight spokes and just clean and the saddle too was a racing saddle, it was slim-line, and wee tiny mudguards, white and green the same as the frame and the wheels too, just no like Matt's, squeaking all the time, squeak squeak squeak, that was all his done.

  The blooming wheels are buckled, said Matt.

  But if Rona's big brother looked at it and could fix it. Maybe he could. He had good tools. He kept them in a wee satchel and could change a tyre in two minutes.

  I do not care if it is one minute or no minutes. Who cares? I do not.

  Oh but he is good and shows ye how to do it.

  I do not care if he is good. I can change the tyres myself. The blooming wheels are buckled.

  But if they are oiled?

  But they are buckled.

  But Rona's big brother

  Oh Rona's big brother

  Well he can do it.

  I do not care, I am selling it.

  It is not yours to sell.

  Yes it is.

  If Uncle Billy gived ye it.

  Uncle Billy gave me it.

  Well if he did.

  Now my da came into the kitchenette. Oh it is loud voices the night, what yez arguing about?

  It is my bike, said Matt, Uncle Billy gave me it. If I want to sell it I can sell it.

  That old thing, who is going to buy it? My da laughed. Yer Uncle Billy fished it out the Clyde.

  Oh but dad, I said, if it was just cleaned.

  Well if it was cleaned, that is a start, it needs to get cleaned.

  But there is no point dad if the wheels are all buckled. Matt said, It is falling to bits, it is just falling to bits.

  Well if it is falling to bits who is going to buy it?

  Joey Johnston.

  Who is Joey Johnston?

  He buys old stuff like bikes. He does them up and sells them.

  Who to?

  People.

  What people?

  He steals stuff, I said.

  Who steals stuff?

  Joey Johnston.

  How do you know? said Matt.

  I just do.

  No you do not.

  Aye I do.

  Ssh, said my da, then to Matt, That fellow will not give ye much money.

  Well he will give me something.

  Bikes are dear son, how no let yer brother have a go? He wants to try fixing it.

  But he cannot.

  But he wants to have a go.

  Matt was just looking at the sink.

  Eh? said my da.

  I know a big boy will help me, I said.

  Oh well if he does, said Matt and he tossed away the dishcloth. He went straight out the kitchenette and into the bedroom. He shut the door, but no slamming it. My da did not like slamming doors and was looking after him. Then he looked at me. Who is the big boy?

  Rona Craig's big brother. She is in my class at school. Oh but da he has got a smasher, it is a Milano racing cycle and just light as a feather. His grannie got him it. She just got him it and it was a mint of money. That is Rona's grannie. She stays in the same house as them. I will take it round to him.

  Well give it a clean first.

  Oh yes dad I will.

  I started cleaning it right away. On Saturday morning I carried it down the stair and walked it round the street. Rona's big brother was not out the back close. Usually he was always there. Maybe he was still in the house and would come out soon. I waited a wee bit then was going to go up the stair and chap the door. But what if Rona was there and she came?

  Oh well if she did, I would just say what it was. I liked Rona. People did. She had a funny laugh. It was hee hee hee, hee hee hee, and she put her hand up to her mouth. If somebody done something in the class ye would hear it. The teacher did not like her doing it. Oh Rona would you please be quiet, if you are giggling would you please stop it.

  But then if somebody done something she would do it again. Oh please miss I cannot help it.

  I flapped the letterbox on the door. It was her grannie came, a wee lady with a hat on. She was the only one in. Oh they are all out, she said, you will have to come back after.

  I walked the bike back round to my own house and carried it up the stair. Oh but it was just so very heavy. Matt was away seeing his pals from school and my maw was up the town shopping. But my da was home from work. He was in the living room reading the paper. I telled him and he said, Oh wait and I will have a look.

  He came out to the landing and turned the bike upside down on top of the newspapers. Oh it is b****y mawkit.

  Oh but dad I cleaned it.

  Well ye did not clean it enough.

  He went away and got old cloots to wipe it, and a bucket of hot water. Now you just watch, he said, this is how ye do it.

  So he started wiping it and it was the same as Rona's big brother. Oh I used to have a bike myself.

  He cleaned right into all the wee bits to get the worst dirt. He moved the wheels to see the wheelguards. It is mudguards, he said. He went and got tools, spanners and pliers. He screwed things about and then after that he lifted the mudguards right off the wheels, he just took them right off, and he turned them up and inside it was just thick dirt. Oh they are all bent to shreds, they are just b****y useless. Dump them son just dump them.

  Then he birled the wh
eels and they went round, only sticking a wee bit. See that. Better already. Oh but a wee drop oil, he said.

  He had his own oil and he squirted it in. He felt the tyres. These tyres are fine.

  Now he turned the bike the right way up and gived it a wee bounce. Will that do ye?

  Oh dad, aye. Can I go and try it?

  Well just be careful, it is yer brother's bike. And come up the stair if it is raining. The mud will fly up on ye. Mind ye have got no guards now cause we have took them off.

  Oh aye.

  And do not go out on that main road. Now I am warning ye!

  Oh no dad.

  I went away and got ready then carried the bike back down the stairs and out the front close. When I was getting on it I looked up at the window to see him watching, I knew he would be. He made a wee signal like a wave. That was my da.

  The bike was going good. I went it down to the shops, so if people were there, just who I would see. But nobody was there. Oh but John Davis, he stayed near the shops. He would love the bike. There was grass outside his close and a wee wall. I stood the bike at it and ran up the stairs, rang the bell. But nobody was in. I chapped the door and rang the bell again. I looked through the letterbox and it was all dark. Saturday. People went places. Sunday was better. I came back down the stairs and out the close and the bike was no there. I looked about. Maybe I put it someplace else. Or if somebody moved it. But it was nowhere. It was just nowhere. I went to the next close, I kept looking. Where was it? Oh if somebody had took it for a shot, if any boys were there. Wee lasses were playing at the next close. I said to them, Did ye see a bike there?

  No.

  My bike was over at that wee wall.

  Oh that bike. A man took it.

  Who was it?

  The lasses just looked, they did not know. It was just a man. He went on it past them. They did not know him. He just stole it. He was just a thief that stole it. I started running up the street where the lasses said. Nobody was there. I went round all the streets. The rain came on but went off again. I went round them all again. Joey Johnston's too, I hunted all over. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. I did not want to go home. I could not. I went back to John Davis' close. Maybe the bike was there again. Maybe somebody just took it like a wee trick.