by James Kelman
Oh I am fine standing, I said, but Podgie sat down and started eating the piece.
Mitch's da was there reading a paper. I did not like him. He hated Mitch. Mitch said it. Mitch just hated him back. Smelly old f*****g c**t. That was what Mitch called him. I got more doings than Mitch but Mitch got punched, so that was worse. My da never punched me but it was real hard skelps, he done it to yer legs and they caved in. I did not swear at my da, even in my head. Sometimes I was going to but I did not.
If he was old maybe he would punch me. Mr Mitchell was a lot older than my da. He wore big specs and they fell down his nose, so he kept shoving them up. He waited a wee minute reading his paper then stopped and put it down. Oh hullo boys.
Hullo Mr Mitchell, I said.
Oh I know this one.
Kieron Smith.
He is William's friend, said Mrs Mitchell.
Of course ye are, he takes you in his room. Oh but you are the climber. William says you are the best climber and could climb Ben Nevis. But could you climb Mount Everest?
No.
He laughed. But I did not like him saying it with Podgie there. If I was showing off, I was not. It was not me that made him say it. I was not a boaster. Mr Mitchell looked at Podgie now, pushing on his specs. Oh who are you?
I am Derek, said Podgie.
I have not heard of you.
I am his pal too.
Oh, that is nice. And it is nice he has got pals. Mr Mitchell looked to Mrs Mitchell. Where has Margaret got to? Is she not back yet?
No father.
That was Mrs Mitchell saying it. I heard her before. She called Mr Mitchell father although he was her husband. Some mothers called the husband dad. Mine did not. But sometimes she did. But she really just called him by his name. My grannie called granda dad. They all called him dad, my maw as well. But he was her dad. People did things different in families. In my house the youngest did stuff but in this one that was not it, it was the big sisters. Mitch did not do anything. That was the same in Pat's house, he had sisters too, so he did not do stuff.
Mitch only went messages if he wanted to. He knocked money off his family and that was a way he got it off his maw I done it off mine. But he went into his maw's purse, I did not except only a few times. He went into his da's pockets as well. That is something I would not do because if he caught ye that was the worst. The one way was if it was the ice-cream van, if my da sent me down for fags and chocolate, if it was Saturday night. Oh we will get bars of chocolate.
So when the icey came round I went down to get the stuff and I just knocked money out the change. Ye just had to be careful, if ye took too much and ye waited for him counting. Usually he counted but he did not say if it was too little. How much is that chocolate? He did not ask me. So if he had. Oh I do not know what it costs, I just gave the man the money and he gave me the change.
Oh you should always count yer change. My da would say that. My maw too, Oh you must count yer money. I never asked my da for money. Maybe Matt did.
But Mitch got it off his. That was something. I said it to him. Oh if yer da gives ye money.
Well if he does not I just take it out his pockets. Mitch tried to get me to do it to mine. All the time he tried it. If yer da goes to the pub and comes back, ye just take it, he will no know. That was how he done it. He did not care if his da caught him doing it. If me and the boys were there and we did not have nothing, we got Mitch to get it. Podgie said it, Oh Mitch can you get money?
Mitch went and done it. Podgie tried to get in with Mitch because he got money But then if he made a fool of him? I did not like it. Oh Mitch, I said, Podgie is just at it with ye, he just wants yer money.
Some Friday nights my da went to the pub after his work and did not come home till late. My maw did not like him doing it. I could have went into his coat pockets then but I did not. If he ever found out, that would have been me. That would have been the worst. My da hated thiefs the worst of all. On board the ship they just threw them over. Man overboard. Oh he was just a dirty thief. So the Captain did not stop the ship. What was worse than stealing off yer shipmates? Oh feed him to the sharks.
But if I did take his money and he found out, so what, I would just run away. I did not care if he gave me a doing. So what? The next day ye were better. I thought I would do it, but I did not. If I ran away I would.
Mr Mitchell was saying to me and Podgie about school but we were not saying much back. I would have if Podgie was not there. I wished he was not. He would tell everything to people. If Mitch's maw and da said stuff, he would just go and tell them. That was what Podgie done.
Mrs Mitchell said, Oh William is enjoying his wee holiday.
Oh yes, he will be coming back in a week or two, said Mr Mitchell. He was looking at me but I did not speak. Then I did. Oh I could write a letter.
Oh that would be nice, said Mrs Mitchell, he would like that.
I could as well, said Podgie.
Oh that is nice of you, she said.
I finished my piece and drank the milk. I gave the cup to Mrs Mitchell. I was wanting Podgie to finish his but he was just doing it slow. I saw him smiling and it was for nothing. I did not like it when he done that. He was not a real pal to people and was just wanting to see stuff about Mitch's big sisters. He had three. The oldest one was married and had two babies. I had not seen her. Margaret was the nearest one to him but that was four years older. She called him wee brother. Oh wee brother, do you want any toast?
I liked how she said it. The other sister was Carol. They did not open Mitch's bedroom door but just chapped it. In my house people opened the door and said stuff to you but his waited till you said it to them. What is it? So then the person came in.
It was because it was lasses, so ye would not see them if they were not wearing their clothes. My maw always said it, Knock before ye enter, but a lot of times ye forgot. She forgot with me and Matt, she just came in and was looking about yer room, and if ye were not dressed. Oh mum, she just went, Oh sorry, and came back out. But if she chapped the door and ye said it, Oh just a wee minute. Then it was alright. My maw just looked in yer room. Even yer private stuff, so if ye had planked something, ye had to watch it. I did not like keeping stuff, so when I used to go up the loft it was good for hiding all what ye wanted. But I was finished with the loft now. I could just never go up again. If ever I did I was finished. That was what my da said, I was on my last warning, he would just kick me out the house. I telled Mitch.
Oh we will just f*****g run away.
Mitch had done it before and talked about it a lot. But where would ye go? I said to him about the highlands. I thought the highlands was the best. But he said England because he had his relations and now that was where he was.
I thought that, maybe he just ran away, if his maw and da were not telling us. Podgie thought that too but I did not say it to him. I liked Mitch's maw. She always gave ye stuff if ye were in the house, biscuits or a piece and something. But Mitch did not like her either. And his sisters. How come he did not like his sisters? They were good. Oh I f*****g hate them, I f*****g hate them. He said it to me. Oh if I had poison I would just poison them all to death, everybody in the whole house.
People liked him saying it, Podgie and the boys laughed when he did. But I did not like him saying it. And no to everybody. If I thought that I would not say it to people. I liked Mitch. I wished it was all better. I thought about John Davis too. It was not fair.
Podgie just sipped his milk. I looked to him but he kidded on he did not see me looking. But I knew he did. I was glad to go away Oh I think it is time to go home now. Mr Mitchell said it. I was glad, I was ready and went to the living-room door. Podgie stood up and came. Mrs Mitchell took us to the front door. Oh Kieron it would be very nice to write a letter to William, he would love it, you are his best friend.
She shut the door after us.
Oh but I wished she had not said about best friends. Podgie did not like it, he just went down the stair and we wen
t along the street, not talking.
***
I went up for Peter and Billy but they usually just went the gether. They let me come but if I did not go up for them they did not come up for me.
But what they did was comics, I did not bother. They saved comics and went round swopping them. Billy had most comics but his maw was snobby and did not want boys up at her door. He swopped them at Peter's door. People came there to do it. I liked to see the stamps and comics but no too much and I did not save them. If it was raining they stayed in their own street. If ye were passing and they were in a close ye went in to talk and it was about songs in the Top Forty or good pictures they saw. Peter sang the songs and mimicked the people in the pictures, he could do it funny Ye were just all laughing when he done it.
The other real thing was lasses. They had girlfriends and just saw them and if it was you you were the third one and it was just two and two, ye got left outside the close. I did not like that. One was Rona Craig. If her and her pal went messages for their maw Peter and Billy walked them down the shops. I liked Rona too.
Ye did not do that with Podgie and Gary. Podgie just laughed at lasses. He said things that were daft and like a wee boy. I did not laugh at it. Gary did but Peter and Billy did not. I liked going with them, they done other stuff. They listened to the radio. On Sundays ye were playing football and some went away before the game finished. Peter did it but then Billy did. We were playing football and he just stopped. Oh I am away with Peter to hear the Top Forty. I would have went too. I did not ask but if I did they would have let me. But no if Podgie was there.
But on Sunday it was the hospital. I did not like coming to see granda but usually I had to.
It was just in the ward with the other people and him in bed with the blankets down his chest and his head all baldy and his arms outside. He did not look the same and his face had changed, it looked dirty and yellow and just wee, just a wee face. Maybe if the window was open and dirt came in. It was lines in his face, the dirt was in them. I could clean it up, just wipe it if there was a cloot to do it. Then his chest where the buttons on the pyjamas were, the hair poked through, all white hair from his chest, long stuff all through the pyjamas edges and tangled up and just like hair on a head.
What if he passed away and ye were to go in and see him? His face just looking at ye. I did not want to see it. What would it look at ye for? It would just look at ye. It would just be another thing and laughing out at ye if it was creepy, if it was an evil spirit, granda was away and it took his body and then his mouth opened and his eyes too, just a wee bit. What if they opened wide and it jumped out to get ye?
Ye saw something funny and went up close to see. Ye looked in and ye knew it was not the same granda. Phantoms went into bodies then came out. The soul came out if ye passed away. It was my granda's soul if it was him. It flew out yer body and up to Heaven. Or it flew you away. The spirit came to get ye. Ye were dead. It came to get yer spirit and take it up to Heaven. That was the Guiding Spirit. Ye held its hand and it pulled ye out yer body. And then up up up going over the chimney tops. Ye were holding on going all the way up past clouds and way way up to Heaven to sit beside a Generous Host. Nobody was turned away from the Golden Table, and it was just a feast.
But if he was not passed away, only sleeping. But then he did it when ye were there visiting. Ye would see his mouth wide open, Oh it is the last gasp. It is his dying breath.
People gasped to get it and then could not. That was granda. He just gasped and could not lift stuff, not even a screwdriver. He could not walk and could not do sparring with ye. Oh I need to get a breath son, that was what he said and breathing to get it like hiccups, wee hiccups, slow ones and his eyes big looking at ye, hit hit hit and wee squeaky sounds, hit hit. And ye wished he just would not look at ye. How come he was looking at ye. Until then he smiled. Oh it was granda it was just granda it was him after all, and nearly ye were greeting. Oh what is it son?
Oh it is just you granda.
I knew it was only granda. That is who it was. Him himself. I just did not like it. But when I came home after seeing him I was glad oh just glad I went, I was.
Men came up to see him and were Masons. My grannie telled me in a quiet voice. Oh they are good men. And always smart. Oh they have nice clothes.
Granda had old friends from where he worked. They brought him stuff and he gave it to me and Matt. Lucozade and lemon juice. Oh I am no wanting that, give it to the boys.
Oh but granda it is yours, I do not want it.
Do as ye are told son.
Granda could have that voice if my maw was there or Uncle Billy. If he was angry, it sounded like that. They done what he said. My maw did not want to but she did. But he never done the voice with Auntie May. He liked her the best. That was what I thought. Her and grannie.
People liked some and no others. It was no really fair. It happened with me and Matt. No granda but he liked the two of us equal. He did. Most people liked Matt. Oh he is the first-born, said my grannie.
One time granda was sleeping and his hand was lying and I could take it and then he would smile out at me. Oh son it is you. But I did not. If he passed away I would do it and just take his hand, Oh bye bye granda, and his head would not move. That would be him dead. People are dead. My Granda Smith passed away before I was born. He was my Grannie Petrie Smith's husband. I called him Granda Petrie Smith and she checked me for it. Oh he was not a Petrie. I am the Petrie. He was a Smith.
It was just granda's cats, what about them? Grannie did not bother with cats. So if she kicked them out, where would they go? Uncle Billy could take them. Or us. If my maw let us. She did not like cats, but maybe if it was granda's she would. Oh but our house was too wee, that was what she said, you cannot swing a cat in it. There was just no free space for cats and just for nothing at all. Nobody picks up their mess. She shouted at people, Oh pick up yer mess.
But it was Matt that done it. And my da too, he left his stuff lying, his shoes and his jacket. And his cups and plates. He left them beside his chair in the living room so if ye walked by ye stepped on something. A cup. Or if ye stood on his jacket and stuff was in the pocket. Oh my fags my fags, so ye squashed the packet and it was just a stupid big row But ye could not help it if it was down at the side of the chair. Or his ashtray, ye kicked that and the ash and the dowps all scattered. So then my maw got angry at me. Or if it was a can of beer, that was the worst, the can went flying and all the beer splashing on the carpet. Oh stupid stupid, shouting at me, my maw was shouting at me, but it was my da that left it. Oh it is just asking for trouble with Kieron there. She said that to him, it was my clumsy feet.
Then the worst happened and she was greeting. It was terrible. My maw did not greet much. My da was just looking at her. She went away out the living room. My da looked to me. Oh for G*d sake son can ye no watch where ye put yer feet?
But it was no my feet's fault it was him for leaving it there.
And the shoes down the lobby at the bathroom door. Everybody left them there. If ye needed a pee during the night ye tripped over them. When it happened to my da ye heard the crashing and shouting and if he swore too, B****y d**n thing.
I tried no to leave stuff lying about, and in the bedroom I kept my side tidy. Ye walked in and saw it. It was not my clothes lying on the floor and a stack of clothes in below the bed. Matt just kicked them under. There was a laundry thing in the bathroom and one out in the lobby so ye could just shove in yer stuff. But he did not do it. If my maw was doing a wash she had to go and find his clothes. Oh if everybody would just put their old clothes in the laundry.
But it was not everybody it was Matt.
Oh do not blame your brother.
But it is him doing it.
Oh Kieron.
But it is no me.
It is not me.
Not and not no. It is not me and not it is no me. I just got sick of it. Matt did not even make his bed. His own bed. He did not make it. So she made it. Not if I w
as there. She did not want me seeing. So it was still not made when he came home from school. At bedtime he just jumped in and it was all untidy and the sheets and blankets all out. He did not bother. He was just lazy I said it to my maw.
Oh stop cliping.
So I was cliping because I telled what he did. Then getting a row for what I never did. And it was him that did it. I just said it so that was me cliping. It really was not fair. My da never said nothing if it was Matt. Oh Matt Matt. Everything was Matt, he was just the goodie. That was my house.
I did not want my maw making my bed. Maybe I had stuff planked under the mattress. What if I did? I found a n**e book on the train coming back from my grannie's. I was going to take it into school. People done that, they opened it under the desk, then out in the playground. Sometimes they hid them off ye. Gary McNab did not let ye see. But just for a laugh. He did after.
But having one in the house was a worry. Just if my maw found it. She went into our stuff. She even done it if ye were there and just lying on the bed reading a book. She was a quiet walker. Then the door jumped open and in she came. Ye got a fright the way she done it. She went to the cupboard and poked about. Oh you need clean shirts. Oh this vest is just a disgrace. Oh you do not need all those socks. Oh what happened to your new underpants? Oh see this jersey, it is dad's, dad has been looking for it.
Well I did not put it there.
Oh well somebody did.
Yes but not me. I would not take dad's jerseys, they were too big. We got trouble with socks and underwear. My maw washed them. After they were dry she put them in yer drawer but did not get the sizes right. Then with underpants, if she put my da's into my drawer and I put them on and went to school they were just hanging down all day and it was terrible. He got angry about it, but it was a laugh too when ye said it.
Other mothers did not poke about but she did. So ye could not plank stuff in yer drawers. I done it at the side of the bed and put the n**e book in with stuff like football boots and old balls and games. It was just a worry but. I was quaking. What if she came home early from work and found it? I rushed home from school at dinnertime and got it, I buried it in the backcourt and covered it over with stones. But when I went to get it it was not there, the stones were all scattered. Somebody took it. But what if it was a grown-up? What if they telled my maw? I had that in my stomach for days, what was going to happen?
