by James Kelman
***
When Gary did not come out it was just me and Podgie. One time he came home from school with me. I brought him in the house. My maw let me. Ye just saw their feet were clean or what and they waited in the lobby or else the living room if my da was no home. But with just me there Podgie went over the whole house and was going to go into my maw and da's room. I said to him, Oh do not go in there, that is my maw's room. So he stopped but he was peeping in. He still wanted to go in. I did not let him and shut the door.
He kept looking to see stuff and then with a wee smile on his face. How come? Maybe if he thought something daft about yer house, if he was just laughing at ye and telled people. Even if it was yer maw She gave him a piece and he opened it to see inside. He done it all the time. Even she was looking, he still done it. It was rude, I saw her face. If it was a piece and cheese, or just jam, he opened the two slices and looked in. What did he do it for? I got a sick feeling, if he was going to be cheeky to her. So if my maw did not put on enough jam or the cheese was too thin, if he thought that. One time I got a cheese piece off Gary McNab's maw and the cheese was really thick, just the thickest, so even it tasted different. I quite did not like it, just if it was too thick and ye could taste a flavour that was greasy fat and ye only tasted that. Oh is that a cow? It tasted like a cow. Or else a wee baby's milk if sick was coming out its mouth. I did not like cheese too thick. Unless if it was toast and cheese, then the grease came out and tasted smashing. I made it for supper and cut thick slices. My maw did not like me doing it. The cheese melted over the toast and sparked up at the gas, sticking to the grate and the pan, making it all greasy. So if it went hard, how did ye get it off? Ye had to scrape it and watch ye did not waste the pan if ye scraped too hard. I got a row off my maw for doing it. Podgie did not know about it because in his house he did not do the dishes.
In my house ye done them. One time the boys came up for me and I was still doing it. I did not hear the bell and my maw went to the door so then she said it to them, Oh Kieron is doing the dishes.
So they all laughed at me. I did not care.
Podgie did not go pals with people except if he wanted in with them. So if he went pals with me he wanted in with me. If it was to get in my house or what, I did not know. If Gary was not there he had nobody except if it was young ones that stayed near him. He did not want that.
But a lot of times Gary did not come out. Ye went up for him and he just left ye outside. He even shut the door. So ye were sitting out on the landing stairs. He done that a few times. Even he just sat and watched the telly. You were outside waiting. He knew ye were waiting. So when he came out he telled ye the programme he was watching. Oh it was a laugh, ye want to have seen what happened. And then he telled ye the story about it. He done that and ye just felt, Oh I am never going to come up for him again.
But if he had a fag and shared it with ye. So ye did not know what it was, if he was yer pal or what.
Then his big brother, if he came up the stair and ye were sitting outside the door. Oh who the f**k are you?
Oh but he knew who ye were, he just said that. He saw me on Sundays after the football and him and the big boys were playing cards. We all watched. He kidded on he did not know ye to make ye feel bad. Other ones liked him. He worked on the milk and made good wages and then got good haircuts and good clothes. If it was good style. People watched to see what he was wearing. Oh Gary's big brother has got good style. Oh it is an Italian suit and his shirt is American. Gary telled us about it. Oh see that jacket, it cost a fortune and he just paid it. He is giving me his old one. I can get it taken in.
Gary's big brother gave him clothes when he grew out them. He gave him money too. I saw him do it. Come here ya wee b*****d. And he gave him money. He called him a wee b*****d but he gave him money. Gary saw us looking and winked to us.
My big brother never had money and did not have good clothes except at Christmas or for his birthday. He just had school ones and then if he got something off Uncle Billy but Uncle Billy was bigger and usually they did not fit. Oh you will grow into them. Then if it was trousers. Oh yer mother can shorten them. Oh she can take them in for ye.
My maw did it with her needles and thread. She took the trousers and made the bottoms loose then shortened them up and ironed them. But if Matt did not like them. Sometimes he did not wear them. My da got angry at that. Oh if your mother has taken the time to do it.
But Matt just went ben the room. He did not like fighting with my da. My da just said it was arguing. We are only arguing.
I do not want to argue.
Well why will ye not wear the trousers?
I do not like them.
I was laughing when Matt said that. My da saw me but did not say anything. But I was not laughing at him. I just laughed. It was not at Matt either. One time he got a job but only for one week then he chucked it. Imagine that. Ye had a job and got money and then just chucked it.
Gary was getting a job with his big brother next year. Ye had to wait till Secondary School. That was the same with other jobs. I was getting one too. I needed to because of money, just to get money, I never had any and just needed it. A milkboy job was best, or else the papers. Just anything. I never had any money. People knew that. Oh any fags? Oh do not ask Smiddy. Fancy a bottle of ginger? Nobody said it to me. If Mitch had money or Gary, or Podgie, but I did not unless I got it, so maybe if a woman gave me it for climbing the balcony. But they did not ask much. One time I had my fares to go to my grannie's and I met Podgie and Gary when I was going to the railway station so I did not go. I just kidded on I was out and just walking about. I bought fags with the money and shared them out.
I hated it after. I hated it. Just my grannie and granda. I thought about them. It was just terrible and rotten what I done. I was just rotten. I was a f*****g rotter. I said it in my head, Oh you are a f*****g rotter. And if people ever found out, if my grannie said it, Oh Kieron has not been to see us. And then my maw, Oh but I gave him the money, so ye just spent it on fags. It was just terrible and horrible and granda in hospital. I would never do it again.
It was Gary and Podgie's fault. They said it to me. Oh you have never got any f*****g money.
I did not like going with them when Mitch was not there. They ganged up on ye. I went up for Podgie and his maw came to the door. Oh Derek is out playing.
So he was out and had not come up for me. That was what that meant. I went up for him but he did not come up for me. So if he was out with Gary. But they never came up for me.
Then I thought about pals. Who brought ye into their house and who did not? And who brought people into their house but no you? Because that was Gary, he took Podgie in but no me. How come?
Podgie did not take anybody in. His maw did not let him. Maybe it was his wee sister, if they did not want ye seeing her.
But another time Podgie came home with me after school he just came in my house. He knew my maw was not home till five so he just put his foot in and came in.
But I did not want him in my room because with Matt's stuff, what if he looked in it or knocked stuff? I wanted just to go out but he wanted to stay in. He said stuff in yer house. I did not like it. If it was outside it was okay but no if it was inside. Hoh Smiddy imagine ye had a sister? What if ye did and she was's**y? Oh if ye were seeing her and she was n**e. I thought if he wanted to w**k but I would not have let him.
I did not like him saying stuff. I did not have a sister. But what if I did and she was's**y? Podgie would just want to see her. That was what he was meaning. If he was there, he would ask all personal stuff about her underwear clothes and what, did she leave her stuff lying, if it was her k*****rs on the floor or if I ever saw her with no many clothes on, n**e or what, if ever she was n**e and whatever she was doing or having a bath, if she just walked about the house in her bare feet and if she was wearing a b*a, some lasses did, just her b*a and p****es, if ye saw her t*ts and bare b*m, so if ye got a's****y seeing her, even if she was yer sister so what
if she was's**y? Gary McNab telled me. Oh he watches his wee sister getting her clothes off and has a w**k. Gary said that to me, if Podgie done that, that was just terrible, if it was yer sister, a wee sister. Podgie was just a rotter and a bully except only Gary, Gary could say stuff about people. He done it against me and Mitch, Oh they just go for w**ks, they go down the field to do it. That was what Gary said. I did not care. So if I got a riddy. Oh Smiddy has got a riddy. People said that, Oh if ye get a riddy it means ye done it.
I did not like Podgie saying stuff in my house. He done it in front of people too but that was just to get ye. But if it was just you and he done it. I did not like that and it was in the kitchenette and ye were just thinking, Oh that is where my maw sits. He was sitting in the same seat and saying's**y stuff, but in yer house it was just dirty. I hated him doing it. My maw went here making the tea and doing the washing and all what she done.
He said it to other ones that had sisters, Primary 5S and 6S. Oh I would's**g your sister. He said that to people. Oh your sister has got a big f***y. Oh can I f**l yer sister's t*ts. If I had a sister and he said it to me, if ever he even tried it, even just tried it. I would not have let him if it was mine. If ever he said's**y stuff about her. I would not let him. He done it the worst to wee Rab McKerrow. Then it was Bobby Millar. But he did not do it so much to Bobby because he was in Second Year at Secondary School but it was just how his wee sister was Sandra Millar. People said all stuff about her and got a f**l. She let boys do it. Other boys than us. Bigger. People said, Oh she is a r**e. But she was not a r**e, but she gave people f**ls.
Gary McNab telled us. Boys out Secondary School went with her to the back close where she stayed. She let them get a f**l. Bobby was her big brother but he was not a good fighter and not good at stuff. He shouted at Sandra but she shouted back at him. She was in 1st year so a year above me. People came to the close when their maw and da was at work. They just shouted up the close to her. Is Sandra coming out? Sandra! Ye coming out!
They were the same age as Bobby else older. He hated her for doing it. She hated him back. She just went out. People said if she would go with them. But she did. But at first she did not. Oh get away get away. That was what she said but they were going, Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute, oh please Sandra.
So then she let them do it. She said they all were a bunch of dirty bees but she let them, she just let them do it. She went round the back close with them so they were going to f**l her. They were just going to do it. Ye saw her taking them and she was going to let them. We went to watch. Two of them were on lookout at the back close, and they saw us. They were Second Years, same as Gary's big brother. We played football with them. At football it was okay if we were there but here, if we went over. Well, we would not go over. But if we did? We never would. They just were watching us. We did not see her, she was just up the steps but boys came out the close.
It was only some she let do it. No if ye were younger. Ones that done it just laughed and then if ye were playing football. Oh did ye get a f**l off clatty Sandra? Oh her f***y is f*****g minging, it is minging, it is smelly as f**k. That was what they said. Everybody was laughing. Oh did clatty Sandra give ye a w**k? Boys said that. But she did not, you got a f**l off her but she did not touch you.
Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute. And then she was letting them. Papes too. Gary said it. He knew ones that did, they went up for Sandra too.
Papes. Imagine that. Sandra let Papes do it. I did not think she would have let that happen. How come? It was no fair. If Papes had their own lasses, they should just have got them. How come they did not? How come they went with her? She should not have let them. She should not have let them. The Papes all would be laughing and she just let them. They should have got their own lasses and no laughing at ours. They all would be laughing. I did not like that. Papes should have their own lasses.
Gary looked when I said it.
Sandra is a Proddy, she should not be letting them. They will just laugh at her.
Podgie laughed at me saying it.
No but Podgie, I said, They should have their own lasses, they should not be laughing at ours. I do not like it if they are laughing. I do not think it is right that they are.
No. I do not either, f*****g Pape b*****ds.
Fenian c**ts, said Gary That is all they are. Tam Fairley and his pal, I saw them going.
Fairley is a cheeky big b*****d, said Podgie.
He is big-headed at football, I said, he thinks he is the best player.
He is a good dribbler, said a Primary 6, but he is too slow.
Gary said, If she lets Papes do it and no f*****g us, that is not fair either. And then they are just laughing at her, Papes.
Just because they go to Secondary School, said the Primary 6.
It has to be f*****g Secondary, said Podgie. He did not look at the Primary 6. Podgie let Primary 6S come with us but we did not talk much to them.
Oh she is a just a complete r**e, said Podgie, that is all she is, she is a f*****g p**p.
Gary said, Oh but imagine ye got the f*****g pox and yer t****r fell off!
Everybody laughed. But it was stupid. But what if it was not? It was a joke a boy telled when we were playing football. It was about a prostitute and how she was like a film star and was just beautiful. Then the soldier went with her and what happened he got the pox and his p***k fell off.
But it was funny how he telled it, just daft. But it came into my head when Gary said it, just if it did happen, and it was you, if ye were just doing it, and then something else and after it it just fell off, so it was just, it just fell off. Ye tried to imagine it. I could not. If ye needed a pee what would happen? It would come out yer belly button or something. Ye could not imagine it. Ye would have to pee out yer belly button, I said.
Oh would ye f**k. It would just be like a f***y, said Podgie. He pointed at me. Belly button! Gary laughed and so did the Primary 6.
What are you laughing at? I said.
Oh it is just thinking about it.
You have no even got a t****r, said Podgie.
Oh but imagine it was Sandra, said Gary, she is just clatty.
Aye but you telled us ye would go with her, I said.
So did you you c**t.
No I did not.
Oh you f*****g liar Smiddy ye did so.
I did not.
Podgie laughed. I bet ye f*****g would p**p her!
No I would not.
She is a f*****g cow, said Gary.
Well she would not take you, I said.
She would not take you either.
Maybe she would.
Well away and f*****g ask her.
No.
I dare ye, said Podgie. Oh do it!
You do it.
Are ye feared?
Gary said, Oh Smiddy, maybe if ye asked her she would.
Go and f*****g try it, said Podgie.
No.
Oh but I am daring ye! Ye have got to. Just if we can get a f**l, go and ask her.
Oh Podge, no, I am not going to.
Gary laughed. Oh Smiddy what would ye say if ye did? Just if ye did.
I am no going to.
But just if ye did.
No.
We are not asking ye to go, just if ye did, what would ye say?
Podgie was laughing now. I said to him, What would you?
It is f*****g you Smiddy it is no me. Come on, just say it!
Just what they say, oh please Sandra please.
Gary laughed and pointed at me. Oh please Sandra please!
Podgie laughed too. A big f*****g riddy! Look! He has got a big f*****g riddy. Oh please Sandra please!
But that is what they say.
No they do not.
Aye they do.
They f*****g do not.
Aye they do, I heard them.
No ye did not you c**t! Podgie and them were laughing at me. Two Primary 6 S were there. Podgie let them. They stayed ne
ar him and Gary. One of them had a sister and telled Podgie about her, Oh she comes out her bath and just with a towel.
Imagine that if it was yer sister. I did not mind Primary 6S coming but if they were there and laughing at ye. I would have battered their head in. They were all laughing. That was Podgie. But I knew about it with Sandra Millar and he did not, only what Gary said. Gary thought it was just him knew but I knew too. I did really People f**t her t*ts and her legs too. If it was her f***y, maybe it was. Ye were to sit on the step and she stood beside ye and that was it, so ye done it then, that was what she done, and she stood beside ye and ye were just sitting on the step, so that was when, ye just done it, so if ye put yer hand up and she just let ye so ye just did it and I knew what it was.
Oh but if it was yer sister. Sandra's brother Bobby did not come out much, just stayed in his house and done model-kits. Mitch did not like him doing it because he done them too, but no so many as Bobby. Ye could see his from the pavement outside if it was nighttime and his light was on. He had them hanging from the ceiling, wee airoplanes. If he came out to play it would be fights all the time. Ye could not laugh if it was yer sister they were talking about and Podgie there. Ye would have to fight him else ye were a's***ebag cause ye would be the worst coward. So if the big ones were feeling her f***y and touching her t*ts.
Podgie could sink ye with one punch. I would not care. If it was a bottle, I would batter him with it because if it was yer sister ye were no going to let that happen. I would not be feared of him. If he was bigger than me. So what. How because they were big so they could beat ye, so what, I was no feared of him. Maybe I was, so if I was, ye just had to move fast. My granda showed me that and to get them off balance, ye stand square and go to the side to shove him and shoving his left arm and he would fall down. Because if yer man is heavy and ye get them off balance they fall to the ground and it is all that weight they carry. And ye just had to boot them. And it was no dirty fighting, it just had to be else they would get ye. Uncle Billy said that. Then if they got ye down, tough luck.
