by James Kelman
In the old place a fat boy was there and we all were in the park. He was no scared of any best fighters. Me and him were wrestling and we were having to do something and he had on his vest and big fat legs. Older ones laughed at him, Oh fatso, wee Smiddy will beat ye!
Out the wee ones I was a best fighter. But he just was looking at me. But he knew I was a best fighter. So then we were wrestling and he was on the floor and I got on top of him but he threw me over and sat on top of me. I could not breathe. His big b*m was on top of me and his knees on me too. I could not move even a wee bit. He looked down at me, and a big red face. Do ye give in!
No.
Do ye give in?
No.
I would not give in. I tried to throw him off but I could not, he was too heavy, and his knees squashing down on my arms, just sore. My granda said about big heavy ones and ye just watched for balance and were square on with yer feet but side to side to get him and if he came in ye grabbed his arm and pulled him through and down he went because with his big weight, so that was him. For Uncle Billy it was just boot into him. But no my granda. Oh son you are a defender. If somebody comes at you ye just defend yerself. But do not talk about booting into boys else that is the dirtiest fighting. But if it was Podgie and ye were fighting him, ye would have to else he would have gave ye a real doing.
***
I did not like Sandra's face much but it came into yer mind if ye were near her close and looking up at her window or else her brother Bobby was there and he was looking down at ye. He did not like ye there. And ye were thinking it, if she was there on the step and if ye were beside her. Then if ye saw her coming home from school, she did not look at ye. I did not look at her.
Oh but Lyndsey Farrel, she was Sandra's pal. People wanted a f**l off her too but she did not let them. I was down at the shops and saw her. She was looking at me. I thought she was. Another boy was there and we were smoking a fag. She had black hair coming down both sides of her eyes, and her skirt and her legs just like the way she walked and then how she turned round and just how her skirt stuck out, and just swinging. Some lasses' skirts just done that and it looked good just how it went, I thought it was good.
A lot of people fancied Lyndsey Farrel. She came past and they all watched her and if they shouted else whistled. Podgie and Gary done it and said about her because she went with Sandra Millar. So she was a r**e, or a boy p****d her. Oh he p****d the a**e off her. Oh she is just a pure p**p. She is worse than Sandra Millar. I did not like them saying about her. Oh Smiddy fancies wee Lyndsey. Oh Smiddy's got a f*****g beamer.
Other boys were there and they still were saying it. They were not real pals. If they were, real pals would not do that. Oh f*****g b*****ds, I said it in my head.
Gary just laughed at ye too. But take away Podgie. If Podgie was not there. So then Gary would be different. It was Podgie. It was just him. He was just like the worst bully. I thought that about him. I would never ever take him in my house again, never ever. Never. Just never at all.
So if ye were fighting him. I thought about it. If I could. It was not like granda and ye were boxing. For Podgie ye went and got something so ye could hit him. So if it was a brick. Ye just got something. Uncle Billy said that. Podgie was just a dirty fighter. He done stuff to people. Then if he picked on ye. He done it to me. If ever he did it again I was going to get him. He tried to make a fool of ye. I hated him doing it. He could not make a fool of me. He did not know stuff and just thought he did. If he thought I could not get him, I could.
If it was the old place I would have. Ye done things there, he did not know. Oh and if it was boys younger than me and he still said stuff, if it was Primary 6 S and they were there. So they could say it as well, if they thought that. If I was just stupid. Oh Smiddy cannot fight. Maybe they thought that. If they were going to laugh at me. They would never laugh at me. So if Podgie wanted to get me, I would get him. I would do it. Even it was a hammer. My granda had one and I used to look at it when I was wee. It had a round bit at one end and the hammer bit at the other. It was a beauty. It was just old and was not dirty at the iron bit, just all shiny where granda used it to bash stuff. I thought that about the hammer, it was like an old man, one that was a smashing old fighter. Ye could not imagine anybody ever beating granda's hammer and just how the iron bit fitted the wood and was shaped there with holes in it so the wood came through. It was better than all the workies' ones. It was all just smooth and how it fitted in, and its smell was just something like oily stuff. The handle went thicker in the middle and ye carried it straight up or else straight down but if it was straight down ye had to watch if it hit yer knee, tough luck how sore it was, it just was a thud and it pinged in yer knee and ye could not walk. I done it when I was wee. Granda had a hatchet too. It was for firewood, ye just split the wood, ye tapped in the blade then battered it. He showed Matt how to do it. He said I was not to until I got bigger.
I did not know if he still had the hatchet. I asked my Uncle Billy. He was up in grannie's house. I did not know he was there. He was playing with the cats. Even the one that did not like playing. It came to Uncle Billy. Oh look at that, the wee traitor. Granda used to say it but just smiling, seeing Uncle Billy petting its head.
He was doing that just now and laughing about stuff. He was taking me to see granda. Grannie and my Auntie May were away up already but we were waiting for Matt.
Uncle Billy made jokes if ye said something daft. But sometimes it was not funny and ye wanted him to hear ye. It was different to a joke what ye were saying, it was no for laughing, ye just wanted him to listen to ye. He done it when I was wee, he tickled ye to make ye laugh. But ye were wanting to tell him stuff. If people done something to ye and were hitting ye and going to get ye and just batter ye, he did not listen, just tickled ye worse and it made ye angry, I got angry. Uncle Billy Uncle Billy. I shouted at him. But he tickled ye more and more till then ye were laughing too, ye could not stop it. But I did not like him doing it and if I kicked him hard then he put me down. Oh you wee buggar ye.
But he just laughed at ye again. Oh Kierie boy, I am a wee brother same as you.
Oh but you just have big sisters, if it was a big brother that just hits ye all the time.
Aye but who is my big sisters?
My maw and my Auntie May.
That is what I am saying, a pair of warriors. Imagine them as big sisters! Dear oh dear oh dear.
But it still was not so bad as brothers, I knew it was not.
And it all was different now from when he was wee. It was. He did not think so but I telled him all what was happening out in the scheme. It was not the same as the old place, and fighting too, it was all different. Some had knives, and it was blades, ye just called it blades. Oh he carries a blade. People said it. They hid them in their socks else down their trousers if the cops came or just if other gangs were there. So if they came to get ye ye just took it out and ye stabbed them. Mitch had one and it was planked in his room and I could get it off him if somebody was after me.
Oh Kierie hold it hold it hold it.
Oh but Uncle Billy I am just saying if they are after me and if they have got a blade to stab me. Some do it and then if they do and ye just have yer own one and ye take it out.
Hold it. I shall tell you something Kierie, never you carry a blade. That is one thing never to do. If ye do that ye are in trouble.
Aye but.
Listen to me now. What if the guy takes it off ye?
Oh but he would not.
Aye but what if he did?
I would not let him.
But what if he just takes it? Some fellows take out a blade but do not know what to do with it or if they are feared to use it. So then the one they are fighting just grabs it out their hand and stabs ye with it. See because he is not feared to use it. Telling you son that is what happens in this life, ye take a knife to a bad b*****d that is out to get ye and he takes it off ye and stabs ye. So what if it kills ye? It is your knife, that is the on
e that has done it. So that is you, dead by yer own hand. How would ye like that? That is what happens. Never ever carry a blade.
But what if they have one for you?
Well ye take it off them.
But what if ye cannot?
Ye just hit them with something.
But what if ye cannot get to them?
Oh well ye just run for C****t sake. Kierie boy, ye used to be a fast runner. Can ye no run fast any more?
Oh but Uncle Billy.
G*d almighty son do not let yer mother hear ye talking like that. Blades and what have ye, that is just trouble. Do not ever carry a blade.
Uncle Billy stopped talking, he had a paper and started reading it. He was angry. I saw that he was, he did not like about knives but if people had them. He did not think they did but they did. It was different from when he was young.
After that Matt came. Uncle Billy said bye bye to the cats and took us to see granda. He got us chips out the chip shop and we ate them going along the road. He did not get his own ones but just took some off us. He smoked when he was eating them, he smoked a lot, and was saying about granda, if we went to see him a lot of times or what.
Oh quite a lot, said Matt.
Matt was good at talking. Uncle Billy liked him. People liked Matt. I did too, a lot of times, if he was yer brother, ye just liked him. My maw liked Uncle Billy. So did Auntie May. They laughed at jokes and had fun and the same with granda, they talked to him. I liked it when they did. Oh dad do ye remember when ye took us to Glen-nifer Braes and we went through the puddle?
My grannie was laughing too. She had a funny laugh and with a hankie covering her mouth. She did not want ye to hear her. She kept her mouth closed. And she did not kiss ye. You could kiss her but she never kissed you, she put her cheek to ye. Oh do not kiss my lips, you should not kiss a child's lips. Just kiss me on the cheek son.
Her skin was the softest. People's skin was soft but hers was the softest. Auntie May laughed at her. But my maw did not, but she smiled. My maw did not talk much about their old days, it was just Auntie May and Uncle Billy. But my maw liked when they did, so did my grannie. Sometimes my maw looked as if she should give them a row, Oh that was mischief, we were just scallywags, we should not have done it.
Listen to her, said my Auntie May. Oh Cath.
Auntie May held granda's hand and so did Uncle Billy. But my maw and my grannie did not but just looked. I did not see granda smiling, it was just the breathing all the time ye just heard it and always heard it. People just looked, just looked at one another and that was what they were hearing. Poor granda. Ye just thought that, it was just a horrible shame. Oh he cannot get a breath, said my grannie.
It was his lungs too, no just the growth. Uncle Billy said it. They were just closing up. So if it was skinny lungs there was not much space left for the air to go through. So he was wheeching. Wheeech wheeech. Uncle Billy said, Wheeech.
I did not think it sounded wheeech. It was Hohhhh hohhhh, hohhh hohhh.
Granda done daft things when they were wee and it made them all laugh. My da did not. If they were all talking he just looked and with a wee smile but he did not speak much. It was not his family. I felt sorry for him. But he had his through on the east coast. But he did not see them much. They were mine too. If ye were the boy ye had the two families but yer father only had one. No he did not, he had two as well, it was just another family, it was his father's family, so that was my grandfather, my other one from granda, he died before I was born. He was the Smith. So we were Smiths after him. It was all the Smiths, just all the fathers.
I liked it if granda's old pals were there. One was Shuggy Baird. He came in and my grannie said it, Oh it is Shuggy, and she went away and gave him a big cuddle. My granda was no big and Shuggy was weer but ye saw how his arms were thick. If he punched ye ye would feel it. Uncle Billy said, Oh that is Shug Baird, he is a hard man on the Clyde. That is nice of him coming to see dad.
A nurse came in beside us, Oh there is too many round the bed, you will need to go away some of you.
Uncle Billy took me and Matt out to the waiting room and outside the corridor so he could smoke a fag.
***
Matt did not watch television much. He stayed in the bedroom reading books and swotting or with his radio listening to music. Just if it was football and sport, so then he came through. It was amateur internationals. My maw was there. She did not look except maybe her head would come up, Ohhhh, if one of the boxers got a right tanking. She read a magazine and was knitting. She did not like boxing but it was amateurs so she quite liked it. Oh your grandfather would love this!
Then it was a darkie fighting against a white man. Just with my da there it was a worry, he got angry at stuff. Sometimes ye went out the room but boxing was good. I kept my head down. I was sitting on the floor. My maw's needles clacked the gether, that was all ye heard. Then came an argument and ye did not know to be glad or sad because it was Matt and my da, my belly just, ohhh and my throat funny. I kidded on I was not listening. My da was saying about darkies and Matt did not like it and ye heard his voice, it was cheeky. Oh but dad, he said, what if the white man gave the Sign of the Cross?
He did not, said my da.
Well but if he is an RC, what if he is? Some do not make the Sign.
No if they are playing at Ibrox they do not. They know better. It would be b****y pandemonium.
But what if he is one?
What are you b****y talking about, said my da, keeping his voice low as if he was not angry. But he was angry. And swearing. My maw hated it. She would not let me and Matt say bad words either. Out the house I said them if I wanted. I did not used to but now I did. I just did. But not swear words. I tried it sometimes but it did not sound good.
My da did not like Matt talking like this, not with me and my maw there. Ye were not to say stuff back to him because he was the father. He was not allowed to when he was a boy and we should not either. Matt said to him, I am just saying what if the white man is a Catholic? What if it is him and a darkie fighting together?
My da's knees came up under him, so he was sitting on his feet. That was a way he sat. His fags were on top of the boiler cupboard at the side of the fire. He reached for the packet and the matches.
Who would you want to win? said Matt. His voice was rushing and jittery and he did not look at my da.
My maw said, Do not be cheeky to your father.
I am not being cheeky, I am just saying.
My da had a fag out the packet now and got it lighted. He stared at the match burning then blew out the flame. He turned to look at Matt. What do you know you do not know nothing. Once ye have been out and seen a bit of the world then ye can talk.
I am just saying.
Oh ye are just saying. Ye are always just saying. Why do you not keep yer trap shut?
Oh John!
My da just blew out loud and then lit his fag.
Oh you are too noisy, said my maw. Both of you.
But Matt said to my da, Would ye want somebody to win?
Pardon? My da stared over at him.
Who would ye want to win?
My maw laid her knitting down. You are just too noisy. The pair of you are.
That was the way my maw done it. But they were not too noisy they were just saying it in low voices. She went back to the knitting.
My maw hated it if people argued and if it was Matt and my da that was the worst. But my da did not bother with what she said and was looking at Matt. Now Matt looked at him. My da said, So what are ye saying? What are ye saying?
Nothing.
Oh, nothing! My da kept looking at him.
Matt said, Do you want it to be a draw so they both lose?
I beg yer pardon? What did you say?
Matt did not talk. It was cheeky what he had said. He had a red face. My da took a long draw on his fag and blew the smoke out slow. I am asking what you said.
It was just a question.
Oh it was just
a question.
My maw's face was red too. She had her head bent to the knitting. I could see her eyes from where I was sitting. She said to me, Oh Kieron, who is the teams boxing?
Wales and England.
Yes, said Matt to my da, I did not know you wanted the English before the Welsh.
I do not care.
Oh. Matt sounded like it was a joke.
That is right, said my da. He was very very angry He did not smoke his fag, just held it in his fingers then saw on top of the boiler cupboard, maybe for his ashtray. His teacup was there but he did not lift it.
My da never took the English before the Welsh and Ulster. Only if it was Ireland. Ireland was the worst of all. He said that, I would rather have the Gerries before them. Oh the Irish, they get everything, just everything. But in the boxing here the wee darkie was in the Wales corner. My da said, Oh he is not Welsh, he is a darkie. You do not get darkies that are Welsh, that is just a joke. And he said about the English boxer, Oh I like him, he is a tough wee boy.
My brother said, Oh but dad what if he is a Catholic?
He is not a Catholic.
Yes but what if he is?
Shut yer d**n mouth.
What if the darkie is one too?
Pardon?
What if he is?
What ye b****y blethering about?
I am only saying what if he is?
Matt's voice sounded funny and was more jittery. What was he going to do? Ye did not know. I wanted to see his face but I kept my head down and did not because my da, if he saw me listening. He would hate me listening. But just his voice, it was just so so angry. It was not the same for me. He just looked at me and shaked his head. Now a thought came to me about Matt, and just if he gret, what if he gret? I had not seen him greeting. When was it last? I could not think of it. He said to my da, There is a coloured boy in my class.
Ye telled me before, said my da.
