by James Kelman
Yes, well he is, and he is a Catholic.
Oh ha ha.
He is.
Ha ha.
I am telling ye dad he is a Catholic.
So what do ye want me to do?
Nothing.
So what ye telling me for?
Just telling ye.
Ye have a good b****y cheek in ye son that is what I will tell you.
I am just talking.
Oh aye ye are just talking, ye do enough of that.
Oh please stop this fighting, said my maw.
My da looked across to her.
Just stop it, please.
Well, I do not know what he is talking about. He took his feet down off the chair and sat back with his paper and opened another page. The boxing match was still on but he kept reading the paper and was not interested to watch. Matt too, he waited a wee minute then got up and went out the room.
Usually in our house ye said goodnight if ye were going to bed. If ye did not ye were in a huff or it was fighting. That was it with Matt. After he left the room there was no speaking. I did not like sitting there as if it was us three against him. Sometimes he spoke to my da and it was snobby, he just sounded snobby, and my da did not like it. He did not say aye and ye and telled and my da did. Matt did it to get ye. He got in with my maw by doing it and my da did not like it. My maw just liked Matt for talking nice. Me too, if I did it.
Matt was in the bedroom so I could not go there and it was raining out the living-room window so not to the balcony either, it would be raining there too. I went to see if it was. In some countries ye got that, it was raining on one side of the road and ye could just cross over to the other pavement and ye were okay. But here if it was raining it was everywhere, just all the time. Maybe I could go to the bathroom. But if people wanted the toilet ye needed to let them in. So I just stayed and saw the boxing till my da said, Right Kieron. So bedtime. It was only quarter to ten so too soon but it was bedtime he was meaning so I had to go.
It was because of granda in hospital. My maw was sad about it and us too. I was in bed and said it to Matt but he did not speak back.
***
I went to my grannie's by myself. I was glad. I liked it better. I got off the train and down to the river and just which way I wanted. The ferry was no in so I walked and ran along to the carferry. I just wanted to. It was a long long walk and all big lorries went on the road. The carferry took ye across and ye came out by the dumps. People were there and I did not go in, in case it was gangs.
Then ye were at my old park. If ye went the other way ye came to the hospital. I looked for old pals but never saw any, just wee boys fishing round the pond. Ye had to watch it for other ones. They did not know ye and thought ye were a stranger. I went to where ye got a game of football but nobody was there. So into the library. It was the same except a different woman. I was looking at the books. It was great seeing all them after the mobile. But I did not have my ticket and could not get any out. I read them at a table.
And then my grannie, I forgot. I asked the time and it was late. I rushed out and away up the street and up the stair and flapped the letterbox. But nobody. It was dark when I looked through. They were away to the hospital. I did not know what to do but then just I would go myself. Grannie and them would be there. Maybe I would beat them if I ran fast, if they were just walking. They would not go on the bus. I walked and ran. My grannie would not be angry. Oh but Auntie May, she just looked at ye and ye knew it was wrong, ye had just done something. And I had, it was my own fault.
I knew where to go in the hospital and ran along the path. No many people were there. Usually there were. Grannie and Auntie May visited all the time. They were feared for granda. They thought if he passed away. I knew it was that. People all were sad and just quiet all the time.
Oh but I was late. They waited for me and I did not come. Because I went on the ferry then in the park and the library. I had money for the subway but just spent it and frittered my time. That was what I done. The teacher checked me for it. Oh Kieron is a careless boy and just fritters his time. She said it to my maw, Oh if he just did his work, he is bright except he fritters. Oh you are a bright boy. My maw telled my da.
Oh but grannie would not mind. If I done stuff she just looked but not giving me a row. But coming late, if something happened to granda. Oh he had passed away. I was late to come and so it happened. I was doing stuff. I did not come and he went. I did not think about him. Just other stuff and all nonsense, Oh his head is full of nonsense, he is just a careless boy, if he just stopped his nonsense. I should not have done it, I just done it and was a stupid, stupid rotter.
My Auntie May was beside the outside door, smoking a fag. She waved to me. Oh Kieron, come here. She gave me a cuddle and said, Did ye go up to the house? Oh we had to leave early Yer grannie was saying ye were coming. Did Mrs Duncan tell ye? She was looking out for ye.
Oh I did not see her, I just ran up the stair.
Grannie says to her to tell ye. Sorry about that son we just came away fast. Auntie May took a draw of her fag and looked up at the sky. It was white clouds, white clouds. Yer mummy is in with Billy and yer da. Away in. Give me a kiss first, she said.
I did it and she said, Oh but now a real kiss.
So I gave another one. Oh when did ye last wash yer face? she said.
I did not know. But it was just for fun, she was laughing at me. She done it to Matt, now she was doing it to me. She had not done it much. Oh are you shaving yet?
I went along the corridor to the door into the ward. Matt was there with my da. My da waved. I went round behind. Nurses were at the desk and no looking at us. Uncle Billy came out and my da was talking to him. My da came now and put his hand on my shoulder. Go and see yer granda. He said to Uncle Billy, He will regret it if he does not. Oh Matt, you go in with Kieron.
Yes dad.
It was curtains round the bed and I was glad Matt was there. My maw just was looking at me, holding my grannie's hand. I stood down from granda's feet in the bed. His eyes opened a wee bit. I thought they did and he was smiling. Maybe he was. I was smiling at him. I knew about what it was, how come I was to see him, and my da telled me. If he was going to die, that was how, he was going to pass away That was what it was. That was them telling ye, that was the grown-ups, they did not say it but that was it and poor granda, I just felt that, poor granda, it was just a shame for him and the grown-ups did not tell ye. Poor granda. What if he did not know? I would just tell him. Ye saw the bumps in the bed where his feet were. He would pass away so ye would never see him again. He would go to Heaven because he was good. Ye went except if ye were evil.
If ye believed it. People did not. All white clothes and high voices singing and just smiling all the time. What about? How come everybody all was smiling? Matt said it to my maw. I heard but he did not know. My da was not there. Oh it was all stupid and just white garments, people all just wearing them. How come? And all just looking and, Oh oh, oh oh.
Matt was laughing but my maw said, Oh yes well maybe you will go to Hell for saying it.
Maybe I will, Matt said. Maybe I will. And it was Hell, he might go to Hell and he did not care. Oh my maw was not angry. But maybe she was. Oh but she just looked at him. Yes well Matthew maybe you will, maybe you will.
Oh I am very scared.
It is nothing to be sarcastic about, if it is people's beliefs.
I was sitting at the side of the settee and could not see his face, if he was laughing. His voice sounded it. But if it was to God. Ye could not be sarcastic to God because it was no fair if ye did. I did not like Matt saying about God, no about God. It was not fair, if God could not say nothing to him. He could not. God was fair, and a fair fighter. He would not be a bully or one that booted into ye when ye were down on the ground.
But He would give ye a good go. But He would always beat ye, He just won all His fights. If it was the Devil. That was the only one that could fight God but he always got beat. Was he God's
brother and got cast out? Maybe he was. So then he was the wee brother but maybe he was Jesus's brother. He just stayed in the shadows and was not a fair fighter. He lurked below and took advantage. If it was a blade, would he carry one? But God would not, unless for self defence. Then He would.
Matt laughed but I hope it was not to God. If he was just laughing, and it was at God. It was not fair because God would not do anything to him. He could just say it, because God would not get angry and would just see ye and just wish ye would do it better and just be a better boy.
If ye could be one. Ye wished ye could. I wished it. Ye just could not. Except if God helped ye. People said He would oh if only ye ask, just pray and if ye ask it. Oh God help me.
I prayed that. I did not always but a lot of times I did. A lot of times I did not pray at all, ye were just asleep. Now I lay me down to sleep, and ye were, and ye did not wake up and ye just forgot, and then the next night ye thought about it, Oh did I say my prayers last night? Oh I forgot and then if ye said them twice. I done that and changed it for the second one. God bless my father and my mother and my brother and everybody and then I put on somebody like a teacher or a neighbour. One time I thought of doing Pat's grannie, just trying it, how it was if it was a RC, imagine ye prayed for a RC? But if it was just somebody's grannie. I did that.
God did not get angry at ye. But He could if He wanted. He could get ye. He could get Matt if He wanted. He just did not. Just because He did not. Because He did not want to. God was God. He was kind. People said He was not, how it was all diseases and babies dying and then if somebody was murdered, how come He let that happen and the cops did not catch the one that done it?
God is kind.
What did ye say? Hoh Kieron, are you awake? Kieron, are you awake?
Yes.
I thought ye were away to sleep?
I am just no talking.
Ye forgot to say yer prayers.
No I have not, I am going to.
I thought ye had stopped saying them. I do not hear ye saying them. Eh Kieron?
I just say them quiet, I just whisper.
Ye can say them into yerself. Ye can. Ye can if ye want. Why do ye not?
Because.
Then he was saying Because what? But I did not say anything back. Sometimes I did not like talking to Matt. No about prayers and stuff. He acted it. So he knew everything. Because he was older than me. I did not think he knew everything. He did not say his prayers. He stopped a while ago. But he said he said them. It was just into himself Oh but I did not believe him. I said it into myself but it did not work. And what if God does not hear ye?
Oh but He hears everything. People said that but I did not think so. Not everything. Not rubbish stuff. Oh Kieron is going to the ice-cream van or down the shops for his maw. God does not know that. Oh he is away down the street to play heidies. God does not know that.
I said prayers into myself but it was just not good. God would not know. He could not hear everything in the world. If it was inside yer head, He could not hear it. Because if ye were not speaking it, just thinking it, then if ye were not and it was just there.
How could He hear things in yer head if they were just there and ye were not thinking them? Maybe He did but maybe He did not, maybe He did not.
So if He knew everything. Maybe He did not want to. If it was bad stuff and ye done it, if ye done bad stuff. Well that was up to Him. If He did He did. If it was God, God was God. If ye believed in Him. I did. Some people did not. They did not believe in Him. It was not fair. He could not fight back. God could not. If people said stuff about Him. Oh well say it to His face and do not just be a coward. Matt was a coward. Maybe he was. It was not fair. Ye could imagine God if He just done something if He was angry but He was not angry. Oh if He is wrathful. But God was not wrathful. God was kind and did not think all bad things about ye and if ye done bad stuff, He did not listen to it all or see it all if it was just wee things and just rubbish stuff.
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.
God bless everybody and make me a good boy.
For Jesus sake, Amen.
I did not care about Matt. He could hear me. I could say my prayers. I did not care about him. He knew I did not swear. I did not say any swear words. And what was rude words, I did not say them. I just did not. That was me. And tried to speak good, I did. If they laughed at me. Gary did. Oh Kieron is posh. I did not care. I was not posh. If I was posh. I did not care. I did not care about any of them. I wanted to swear and just say things, anything too and I would have said it, even about my granda if about him I would have said it, anything just about him and even if I was greeting and I would say it because I felt that and my hair was crinkling on my head and I was greeting and it was just quiet but Matt heard me doing it because I stopped it and I heard him in his throat making that noise no to breathe so just to listen and it was me just to hear it, just about granda, if I was saying about him or just thinking, Matt knew it. I did not like it that he did, if he did. It was just all dark outside, ye could see it through the curtains.
***
I thought about my granda, how God took him and not old people ye saw even if it was a Grannie Petrie Smith and ones that were sick. Ye saw an old person and if they were at the train station or walking with a walking stick and they were very old, they were walking and my granda was not, he was just dead or what, passed onto the other side. Auntie May said that. Oh dad has passed onto the other side.
Oh it is just Fate, God wills it. Matt said it was not our fault, God willed it for granda. It was not fair but Fate gave him it. Fate deals a blow to ye. If God wills it. It will be done as it is in Heaven. So then it happens. The same with Kings and Queens in history, they had their Fate, and Princes and Princesses if they were rightful Heirs to the throne, and locked up in dungeons or turrets and then dying there, maybe if they went mad or starved to death, the poor little Prince and Princess, it was their Fate, even if they were on the rack, and getting put to death in the Tower of London, it was God willed it, so if it was Mary Queen of Scots and the English took her. The Queen of England wanted to get her and put her out the way because of her throne and if God willed it she was a Protestant and Mary Queen of Scots was not, she was a RC. And there was nothing ye could do, even if the people loved her it was just how the Queen's Army was all the Redcoats, she had the best ones and they would beat anybody in the world, the whole world, it was the English Army and the Navy, they had the best ones and if countries were wanting to fight them if it was Spain and trying to take our lands, if it was England and all our treasures, the Spanish were sending all their Navy to fight us and that was England and ye saw the Spaniards and they were all just high-faluting with their wee lace handkerchiefs, Ooohh oooohhh, that was how they spoke, anybody could beat them, and the men kept wee hankies up their sleeves for their noses and if they were fencing they had the sword in one hand and then the hankie in the other just if they were nancyboy poofs that was what it was like, if they thought they could just walk in and take over and just plunder, we would just show them. England would not bow to them and just never surrender, if anybody thought they would, never till the last drop of blood if it was just their Queen or the young Prince they would soon show them, just a wee country but an island nation, that was England, so ye got Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Frances Drake then if it was Churchill and they were the best Navy England had the best Navy the world had ever seen. My da said it too, they could beat anybody and we were just there too if it was the kilties marching as to war because we had the pipes and just were the best fighters and helped them because if they helped us too. Maybe if it was grain and oats for eating if ye were having a famine with all the crops destroyed so the people had no food and all were starving to death so if the Queen and the Princes were trying to help ye. Oh if God will save our people, they have no potatos, and the ministers all praying to God Oh be merciful t
he Heavens forbid ohhh if we are all sinners, ohhh what have we done if it is Thy will, Thy will be done, of the power in Heaven, and all wee babies for their milk and nothing is there. Oh what will happen? And if ye survived ye were lucky, God willed it and His Hand was the guiding hand and it helped ye over troubled waters and all the raging seas. So if ye got the very worst disease that was you. Or if ye lived to a ripe old age. Other ones did not. Wee babies died in their cradles and if children got knocked down and killed and other ones got murdered, wee lasses, it was Fate.
***
My maw and Auntie May done all pieces and sausage rolls and cakes baked out tins the same as Christmas and New Year. But we carried all the stuff down to Mrs Duncan's house, that was where the people came. My grannie did not speak much to people but she did with Mrs Duncan. She stayed the first storey up the same close but her house was bigger and neat and tidy. Her husband was dead and her children were all up in years and away living in places.
My grannie's house was not neat and tidy and all cat smells. She said that. And because it was the top flat where she lived, ye did not get good water for washing, it was just a wee dribble because of low pressure. My maw said, If we did not go to the swimming baths we would have been filthy all our days.
Catholics were at my granda's funeral. My Auntie May said it quiet, Oh there is Mr and Mrs Osborne, that is nice of them, they are Catholics, that is just really nice.
I saw them. They did not come to Mrs Duncan's house after, only the funeral parlour. It was a wee kind of Church place and did not look good. I looked at Mr and Mrs Osborne when the Minister was talking and then we all were singing the Hymn. Other ones that were there were Catholics. They were granda's old pals from work. Uncle Billy telled me. He spoke to people outside the door. So did my maw and my Auntie May Everybody all was shaking hands, and giving cuddles if it was a woman.
All people came back to Mrs Duncan's house. I liked it except there was no many young ones but I liked seeing the grown-ups, they were relations. My da telled me to get dirty dishes and take them to a woman at the sink. I did not know the woman but she was washing plates and stuff and drying them. She said to me, Oh son does Mrs Duncan keep ashtrays in the house?
