by James Kelman
I did not know. I was to get in all what was lying. People were not eating their pieces. They ate bits and left it lying but they still gave ye the plate. I said it to them, Oh you have not finished yet.
I am finished son, just take it. Oh but do not take my glass, do not take my glass. And they were laughing if I took their whisky and they were not finished. But I knew not to do it from my da. Oh do not take my tumbler son do not take my tumbler, I will give it to you.
But people smoked and put their fags out on the saucers and plates and even into the pieces so the fag was sticking out from the cheese and pork luncheon meat. I saw Uncle Billy doing that and nobody could have ett the piece and finished it, so it was just a total waste, and there was good ham too, a woman said that, Oh there is a nice ham sandwich.
But other ones were doing it, and ye saw a piece and it was fag ash all over and just one bite out it. My da was talking to my granda's old pals. Two women were sitting at the window and I brought them sausage rolls. One looked at me, and just looked. Then she said, Oh but he is not a McGuigan. Who are you son?
It is my granda.
Oh are you Lawrence McGuigan's grandson?
Yes.
Oh you are a McGuigan. Oh he is a McGuigan.
They gave me big smiles. So I was their side of the family. My grannie's side was MacDonalds from Ayr. Only two came, a man and woman. They did not talk much to people except my grannie and my maw. My Auntie May sat near them. Our relations from Dunfermline and Fife did not come. Matt said, Oh but Kieron they are da's relations.
Well but if it is granda's funeral. We would go to theirs.
Yes we would go but no grannie and Auntie May, no Uncle Billy. They would not come. They are not their relations, just ours, they are not dad's. They do not even know them.
Yes but if it was our family and they did not come. I did not think that was good, if they were my da's family and my granda was my maw's da then it was just they were all family and here was me and Matt and we were both families so it was the same one. I thought to say it to my da as well but I did not. My da was taking drinks round to men. Some had red faces or white ones, white shirts and black ties. I saw them from the funeral parlour. Uncle Billy and my grannie talked to them but no my maw.
Matt was eating a lot. The food was on the tables and he stood there beside it. I saw him looking at people. We did not go with each other when people were there. If they were talking to him he did not like me hearing. I did not care. He could listen if it was me. He kept away from me. I kept away from him. Then if grown-ups gave ye money, if it was one person, maybe it was better that it was not two. Matt was helping with glasses and tumblers. People were drinking whisky and sherry and wee ports. Oh I will have a wee port, just a wee port. They were saying it to my da.
Oh but if you want a whisky? he said.
Oh no a wee port, just a wee port.
The port was in a big glass and the whisky just in a wee one. My da said that to a man. Oh the port is bigger. My da laughed. It was just a joke. But the man did not laugh back. I saw it. He talked to another man and looked at my da. It was not nice him doing it. I did not know him, if he knew my grannie and my Uncle Billy. It was just for a laugh, my da said it to him, so it was not nice, and it was a hard look.
Women were drinking cups of tea and ports and sherries. Oh just a wee sherry My da was smiling to them. I was to give them pieces off the plate, just hold the plate to them, do ye want a piece?
My maw was near and she saw me. It is not a piece it is a sandwich, would you like a sandwich. Oh Kieron do not pick up the sandwich and give them it. Give them the plate.
But I was not going to lift the piece up to give them or if it was a sandwich, I was not. I knew what to do and just hold the plate for them. I knew to do it. But then my da said as well, Oh you should know better than that.
But dad I was giving the plate.
Ye never touch somebody else's food son.
But dad.
It is the height of bad manners.
People were looking and smiling at me. But I was not going to touch their sandwiches or what. But my da thought I was, because my maw thought it. It was just stupid, as if I was a wee boy or else how come they said it? Because all other people were there, so they were looking and smiling. My maw hated people looking, if they were looking at you. What were they looking at ye for? Maybe ye done something wrong so they were laughing at ye. My maw thought they did that. If they did, well maybe, but maybe they did not.
Ye just were fed up with it. I wished I was away, I just wanted to go away and if granda was there looking down, he might be, and he would be seeing it. He would be looking down and seeing it all just stupid. I thought it, Oh granda, because it was, because if he was there he would know it, I would never have done that stupid stuff. If he was looking down he would see me.
***
Billy MacGregor lenned me a comic and it was the Undead. One of them came to get ye in the middle of the night and ye had to get a Cross. If ye had a Cross ye would just burn him. But we did not have Crosses, that was RCs. Ye had to be a RC else Dracula would get ye because ye could not fight back if ye were not one. Ye did not know who the Dracula was, ye just looked for a mirror and held it. That was how ye knew if ye met one, ye looked to see their reflection and if ye could not then tough luck, that was him or if it was a woman, a lot of times it was and she came to get ye and ye did not know except her eyes were red like blood and all black inside and she is just looking at ye and then her fangs hanging out. Imagine ye were winching her and then she opens her mouth and out comes the big fangs? Gary McNab said that.
I used to think I was a RC but no a complete one. I could not see myself in a Chapel. Ye would have had to be a complete RC to see yerself. If ye were not ye could never be in a Chapel, no to be doing all the things.
I could not see myself inside it. I tried to and I could not. I could not see my body. So I could not see myself. If I could see my body then I could see myself.
If ye were a complete Catholic ye would see yerself in a Chapel. So if I was one I would have been able to see myself but I could not, so I was not a complete Catholic.
So if ye were in Chapel ye could not see yerself, maybe if ye were a Dracula it was the same. People could not see ye. Ye could not see yerself. Ye just were not there. Where were ye? I do not know. Ye look in the mirror and do not see yerself So if ye are creeping up behind somebody, they never see ye. But neither do you. You do not see yerself.
But what stops ye? If it is something. Oh you must not do that if you are not a Catholic. You cannot go in there. Only Catholics can go in there.
You cannot see yourself in a Chapel because you cannot be in a Chapel. If I could not see myself. Because if I was not there, I was not there and could not be there, I was a half Protestant and a half Catholic, but trying to do something that was complete Catholic. I was a Protestant on the outside and a RC on the inside. I could not see myself in a Chapel because that was the outside. The outside was Protestant. So I could do all the outside stuff, whatever it was, going to the Lifeboys and the Sunday School then the BB. But what was the inside stuff? That was yer prayers.
I prayed to God to forgive me.
If He thought I was kidding on. I knew He would hate that. But I was not kidding on. He would have to forgive me, if it was not my fault but my maw's and da's for doing it. What did they do it for? Because they did not like Catholics. But if I was one, did they not like me, if I was their son. But I was an adopted child so did not get treated good. That was it in stories, ye were stolen away to another land and chained up so ye could not escape. People took yer rightful fortune, they thought ye were a poor orphan but ye were the young Prince.
I tried to see myself in a real Church too, if it was really me. But I could not. That was funny because I was there with my maw and da. But if I could not see myself in a real Church. I thought it was just a Chapel. But if it was a Church too. So I could not see myself in any of them.
/> I was just no to be in them. How come? Maybe if I was just half and half. So that was how I was not to be in them.
What was me? What I was? If I was something. What if I looked like something? What did I look like? If it was me, what did ye see? I could not get the things that made it me, just my nose and my haircut or else what. If I was walking down to the shops or going to school. If I could see me walking. My arms and legs and my shoes. I shut my eyes tight to get the picture. But it was too tight maybe, I could not get it. Only just faces in photographs. My old faces from when I was wee. My face as a baby in the pram. I had a big face. My grannie said it. Oh you had a big face son, you were born at the right time. Boys born at the right time aye have big faces.
But ye cannot see faces if they are your own, only if it is from when ye were wee. I looked in the mirror to see mine and I just saw everything there and just everything and it was just the strangest thing and my face could be a Doctor Jekyll and yer eyes oh whose eyes are they, evilly glinting, eyes are evilly glinting, evilly and yer face altogether, whose face is it? Hohhh hahh hahh haahhh. Laughing evil. Uncle Billy always done it for a joke. Me and Matt were in bed and the door would open a wee bit a wee bit a wee bit and creaking creaking, eeeeeehhhhhh eeeeeehhhhhh oh mammy mammy what was that and then Ohhh hahh hahh haahhh.
Oh mammy a ghost a ghost.
Ohhh hahh hahh haahhh.
Oh it is Uncle Billy. Matt knew all the time. He said so. Sometimes he telled lies.
But Uncle Billy was good. We all wished he would come back to stay but Auntie May said he was not. Grannie would have liked it if he did. I went to her after school. That was the best time. She liked to see me. She was there when I chapped the door. Oh come in son, she always liked it. When I was going home later I walked to the subway myself. I telled her no to worry. If granda was there, he would save me. If anybody was hitting me he would be there, just if it was his spirit, it would reach out, I beseech you come hither, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. There was the Holy Ghost. Because granda would just be a ghost if he was a spirit. Spirits are ghosts, just hovering. He would watch out for me, so if it was bad trouble there he was. And he would just help me, Oh I beseech you, our Father, we are gathered today as the sun does riseth.
My granda was the best. He was. I thought about him and was not greeting. I was not greeting. But the water was coming out my eyes. I must have been greeting. If it was real greeting. I was not sad, if ye are greeting ye are sad, I was not sad. Granda was dead. But I was not too sad. I was just watching to see, and talking about him.
But the times I went to my grannie's meant ye did not go out much with yer pals because ye were late home. Sometimes I did. But usually everybody was away with people, whatever it was, if they were doing something, they were away doing it and if ye saw them ye were lucky. Ye went looking and found them in a close or else down at the shops but if they were in somebody's house ye did not see them. Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor saw lasses but if ye were not in with them ye could not go up.
***
There was never space to do stuff, if it was yer private business, ye could not do it, ye never got space. I did not anyway. He had all his stuff, I was not to go near it. Oh I do not want ye poking yer nose in. That was Matt. Oh it is my private stuff.
But I was not poking my nose in and I did not care about his private stuff. What private stuff? If he had something I did not care. Else about his girlfriend, if she really was one. So what? I did not care, if she was a real girlfriend or what. Maybe he was just talking to her. People just talked to lasses and then said it, Oh I am winching her, she is my girlfriend.
And they were not, not real ones. Maybe my brother done that. Peter Wylie done it with Rona Craig. People said he was winching her but I did not think he was. He just talked to her. He went round to her close to see her brother because he liked bikes and was wanting to go runs with him. But then Rona was there and he talked to her. So what? Talking to her was nothing. I talked to her as well.
But I saw Matt one time I was going to my grannie's. I went on the subway instead of the ferry. It was raining and strong strong winds. The subway was near the railway station for Matt's school and there was a cafe on the road. I saw him with the lassie. They were sitting on chairs drinking ginger. I looked in and saw him but he did not see me. But he did see me, he telled me in the house when I went home. Oh what were you looking at?
I was not looking at him anyway. I was just going down to the subway station, I did not care about him and his girlfriend if it even was a girlfriend. I did not care. I was not spying on him. Oh you wee spy. That was what he said.
Oh he will not be there forever, said my maw. He will be going to college and getting a flat with his friends.
Then I would get the room to myself. That was what she said. I could just do whatever, put out my private stuff and just all the things, once he was away, I could just do it all. And my bed under the window. That is where I would put it, the same as him. It would have been great. When he was not there I sat on his bed and looked out. I loved it. How come we could not switch beds? Just one time if we could. Oh I do not want you in my bed.
I would wait and see because I knew already. He went away camping with his pals, so the next time he did I was going to his bed. I just had to watch it with my maw in case she saw but she would not if I done it right. Then if he caught me. I did not care. So if he battered me. He would not.
So if he saw me passing the cafe, how come he did not come out and get me? If I was his young brother. How come he did not come out. Oh Kieron Kieron! because if he had money too he could have bought me something, just a hot orange or a tea.
He saw me and it was away miles from where we stayed but he did not come out and get me. Because he was with a lassie. He did not want me to see. I was not looking at him. I did not care about him. I just saw him. I was just walking to the subway and I saw him. People saw people. I was not spying. I was going to my grannie's, I was getting the subway. If he thought I was spying. What would I spy on him for? I did not care about him and his girlfriend, if it was a girlfriend, I did not even look at her, she had on a big long coat. Lasses were wearing them, if they had good style, their coats came right down to their ankles. The coats flapped open and their skirts were just short and ye saw their legs right up, then if they were walking, ye just saw them and it was just their legs, lasses done that. Mitch's big sisters wore the same skirts. I saw one out with her boyfriend and her coat was flapping. She waved to me. I shouted, Is Mitch home yet?
But he was not and she did not know when. People said he was no at his uncle and auntie's, it was an Approved School. Podgie thought it too. Oh his maw just telled us for an excuse. In the Approved Schools ye got locked up in dormitories. Porridge, bread and water. People talked about it. How come Mitch was there? He ran away too much. He broke into houses and shops. People said he did but he did not else I would have done it too. I would have. I wanted to do it so I could get money I said it to Mitch. I could climb up and go in a house. Boys done it, burglars, ye climbed up the ronepipe and went in the window.
Mitch could not climb the ronepipe but I done it easy. I could go up their balcony and take their money if they had it there. But what if the people were in the house? They would catch ye.
But ye would just see if their light was on. If the light was on ye would not do it.
If they did catch ye they would just get the cops and give ye a doing. Men done that if they caught ye breaking in. My da too. Oh if it is a thief, the very worst. He hated them.
But ye would just get away, ye would not let them catch ye. If Mitch was in the Approved School he would run away. He would not stay in it. But maybe they put chains on him. They done that in prison, then yer feet too, ye had to get a saw to cut through, just sawing and sawing.
I could not tell my maw about Mitch. If ever she knew she would not let me go pals with him. Approved Schools were the worst, the same as Borstals.
My maw
was a snob. We all knew it. My da too. If she gave him a look when he said something wrong he did not like it. She was snobbish and posh. I did not want to go to Matt's school. It was not fair to make me.
My teacher said if I just stopped frittering, frittering and frittering. I was good at my lessons except I did not try. If I tried I would do it. She wrote it in a letter to go with my Report Card. My maw asked her to write it. Then she went to see them at Matt's school. My da did not go, just her. It was the headmaster she saw. Oh Matt is a fine pupil, he is a credit. If Kieron is anything like him he is most welcome. We will see how he does.
I liked the headmaster saying it but I did not want to go. My maw telled us on Saturday morning. Matt was not there but my da was. Saturday was usually overtime but today he did not go. He said, Maybe ye are brainy after all.
He laughed but my maw did not. My da said eftir aw and not after all so maybe that was how. My maw said to me, You will have to speak better Kieron and it is not aye remember it is yes.
I know.
Well if you know you should say it.
Sorry.
People that talked like me were just keelies and did not go to good schools. That was what my maw said. But Matt talked ordinary. He did not let her hear but out on the street he did. So if he did talk posh, he done it in school, but no outside. People would just batter him.
Oh forget about Matt, said my maw. Just concentrate on yourself.
People would not batter him, said my da.
Aye but da some would. They would not go about with him. He would not have pals.
Oh of course he would.
Aye but only in school.
Matt? My da's eyes squinted at me.
He does not have them outside.
Of course he does. Matt has plenty of pals. Do not be so stupid.
I am no being stupid I am just.
My maw put her hand on her head. Kieron! Stop your nonsense.
