by James Kelman
It is not nonsense.
Yes it is.
It isnay.
It is not.
It is not.
Oh for G*d sake. My da got up from the table. I am going down the shops to buy a paper.
My maw looked at me but it was not my fault. He was not angry anyway, not very angry. He was just fed up with it. He was fed up with the arguing. He said that. But a lot of times it was him started it. And if it was speaking bad, it was me that my maw gave the rows. My da spoke bad but it was me she blamed, she never said it to him. He done it worse than me.
He had his coat on and came back in the kitchen to get money. My maw said, Oh Johnny will ye get me a pint of milk and a half stone of potatos.
Right.
Usually it was me went the messages but sometimes my da went just to get a walk. He liked walking. When he went out the door my maw said, Oh Kieron, you must learn to concentrate.
***
Matt moaned about money. But sometimes he had it. Where did he get it? How come he had money? Maybe his girlfriend gave him it. One time he got a paperboy job before school but he only done it for one week. It was morning papers. He had to start at quarter past six. Just one week then he chucked it. I thought my da would be angry but he was not, just laughed.
My maw was glad. Oh it is interfering with yer lessons.
But I would have loved a job. But Matt still got money. People gave him it. He got a lot more than me. My da gave him some but he got it off my maw as well. From my grannie too. My Auntie May gave him money. I saw her. Sometimes she gave me money too.
My da gave me some now but not much, it was in my pocket to do what I liked, so I could just spend it on stuff or what, I could save it up. But it was just wee compared to other boys.
Gary McNab was getting a job as a milkboy. That was what I wanted and I was going to get one. Milk was the best job because ye got good tips, the best tips. Gary's big brother earned a fortune. Gary was just waiting for it. It was the first vacancy. I asked him about me and if I could get one but he said, Oh it is a long waiting list and ye have got to get somebody to talk for ye.
In our house anything with money was bad. When my da gave me pocket-money it was mine just to spend but he wanted to know what I was spending it on. I hope it is not cigarettes.
He said that for a joke. He did not know I smoked, but I did not smoke much. But it was my business. If it was my money and I spent it, that was up to me.
Once I got a job they could not say nothing, no if it was my money and I got it from my job. I could just spend it and if it was the carnival, I would just go and get shots on everything. Oh and a radio. I telled my maw I was going to get one.
But your brother has already got one.
Well but so what if he had one. So if I was not to get one just because he had one. That was not fair.
Oh it will be too noisy with his studies.
But I will not put it on if he is doing them.
Oh Kieron.
I played his radio all the time. He did not know. He did not let me when he was there. But if he was out the house I just switched it on. He went camping for the weekend with his pals in school and I had it on the whole time. I played about with all different stuff, hearing all the programmes from all over and different ways to speak from faraway countries and then ye heard Morse code. Sailors at sea were speaking to each other, fishermen. Morse code was how they done it. My da knew Morse code. SOS was dih dih dih, dah dah dah, dih dih dih. The complete thing was dots, short dots and long dots. If ye knew it ye could talk and they would not know what it was. If it was yer pals and ye talked to them, nobody could listen. Ye could do it in school and the teacher would not know. Ye could swear.
The radio was great. I went to my bed early and done it. Ye could turn out the light and have it on the pillow and even just fall asleep, if ye had it low.
But I always put it back the way he left it so he would not know. Because he looked. He looked to see. I know he did. One time I forgot and it was just a nightmare. I was up the field for a game of football and forgot to put the radio back where he left it. He would see I had used it. All the things went through my head about what would happen once he came home. So I better stop playing and go home early. But what if he was there already? If he had come back? That happened. Him and his pals were away camping, it rained and they got washed out. So they just came home. That was what I thought. So it was too late. He was there and he knew. But maybe no. No if I ran home and got it.
What if he had set a trap? What if he had set it at a certain station? He could have done that before he left the house and then he would just look and see. There was nothing I could do. I just carried on playing football. I did not want to go home. But when it came teatime I just went. Lucky for me he was not home, and not when I went to bed. When I got up for school next morning there he was. He came home very late.
One day he would leave and I would get the room to myself. It would be mine to do whatever I wanted. I could even put a lock on the door and ye would need a key to get in.
At his school they expelled people. If ye did not do yer lessons they expelled ye. Well I would not do them and get expelled. I did not tell any of the boys about it all. Imagine I did. Imagine Podgie. I was up their bit and we were talking and I just said, Oh I am joining the BB.
So am I, he said.
Gary was with us. Are you joining too? I said.
I might or I might no.
That was Gary. He never done much except just walk about. Other ones were joining the BB too and then there was the Bible Class. I was going to that as well. I did not care.
***
I started climbing back up the loft. I did not need my da's step-ladders and I did not need anybody to help me. Ye just watched it when ye climbed onto the landing wall. Once ye were up ye saw yer feet did not make creaking noises. If it was Mitch sometimes he did not do it right and ye thought if somebody heard us down below. I telled him all the time, Oh Mitch just watch it or ye will fall through the ceiling. He got worried and went slow but if it was too slow it was no good and ye just creaked on the rafters, so ye had to go quite quick. Imagine they were sitting watching the telly and ye went through the ceiling. Oh look, and it was your leg coming down. Ye saw it in the pictures, the family is eating their tea and the burglar runs across the roof then falls through it and lands on their table right in their food, Oh pardon me, and then he runs away. But if it was yer da and it happened, he would kill ye.
A wee brick wall split our loft from the one up the next close. I climbed over it and went along. I had fags and matches planked in at the edge. I did not usually smoke unless with people and it was draws each, but now I was going to. I went to get them but they were not there. I had not been up for ages so if somebody had stole them. I checked along further, there was a lot of places, but I could not find them. Somebody had stole them. I did not know other boys who went up. Maybe if workies were up, I saw their wee roof ladder, so if they took them. Their ladder was near where the skylight was. I could take it and get up to see out. Maybe I could open it. If I could and went out on the roof. Ye could sit up there and nobody could see ye. They would have to be on an airoplane.
That was the ronepipe, I did not like that about it how people saw ye, then if they telled yer maw. Ye just got bad rows, or else doings off yer da. But if it was the roof they could not see ye. But maybe they could if it was windows and they were looking out.
I heard noises. Usually it was birds ye heard or else doors slamming. I had another look for my fags then went back along to my own bit and the trapdoor was open, I had forgot to shut it. My da was waiting down below I did not see him. He came home early from work and saw the trapdoor open and knew it was me because it was me that went up. He just kept in at the side and did not speak till then I was dreeping down. I still did not see him, just getting my feet down onto the top of the wall. Ye had to be careful yer feet did not slip off and ye fell right down the landing and all the stai
rs. But I heard a noise and it was my maw, she was there too, Oh God, and then my feet touched down and I was on the landing wall, and my da just grabbed my legs and had me gripped and got me down and skelped me skelped me, bum and legs, just as hard, bam bam, bam bam, and against the door so I fell right in. My maw there. Oh Johnnie, that is enough now.
He will never learn he will never learn.
Bam bam, bam bam.
Oh Johnnie that is enough.
I did not care. So if he hit me. I did not care. Just if he done it another time, if ever he did. I did not want more doings. Not off of him. If he done it again, he would never do it again, so if he hit me, he just never would or I would just go away, I would just go away. I was too old to get hit by him. I would run away. I was going to. People ran away. Mitch done it. I was going to. I wanted to go to the highlands. Mitch done it there and he done it to England. I could go to England too if it was my Uncle Billy. I could just get a job, if it was a paperboy or a milkboy or just deliveries for something, if it was bacon parcels and sweetie bags, there was all jobs and I could get one and just save my money.
Some ran away and naybody knew where they went. They did not go to anywhere, just over the fields and faraway, miles and miles. They lived out in the wilds, maybe they found a cave. People had caves. Matt went with his Secondary School on a long weekend and they found one. They were in tents. It was away on an island. He said I would love it because climbing, ye could climb down all cliffs and ye saw birds' nests and all birds' droppings where ye put yer hands. They got special diving out in the deep sea. Ye went out on boats away out past the rocks. Ye went in off the boat and swam along just the breaststroke, then ye dived down and down. Ye went in off the back of the boat so it would not capsize. Oh but the water was freezing.
Matt said how they were all chittering but ye just got used to it. Ye all went away to the side and the man shouted yer orders so ye swam along straight and at a steady pace and if ye swam right out it was America next, but then ye dived down and it was slow motion, keeping yer legs straight up, down and down, and yer eyes open under the water then when yer feet came after ye ye just kicked hard, and down ye went to the bottom if ye could reach it, that was what ye were trying but it was dead deep and ye did not reach it. But the water was clear as daylight so ye could see everything, it was just great. They went on treks. Matt said it, Oh they took us on treks, way way along the shore then at the sides of the cliffs and down into it. The best for climbing, it was just great how ye could even just run up the sides, rock to rock and yer feet hit the right one, just watching for slippery stanes if there was seaweed and moss or if the waves splashed in, really it was the best place. In among the rocks there were pools of water, clear clean water, it was the cleanest, and ye found wee crabs and stuff in them and who knows, ye were looking for treasure, it was just how ye imagined. Matt said it. Ye went over one rock and down to another and then at the side ye saw something maybe sparkling, if it was diamonds and buried treasure from a shipwreck. Shipwrecks happened, and if all hands were lost. The cliffs were rocky and made it bad for boats during bad gales. My da said it too. The rocks went way way out underneath so the sailors did not see them. So it was dangerous for swimming too but when it was deep sea surface diving it was okay then, and ye could swim good except for currents.
But then they got the cave, the leader took them, he was a teacher from Matt's Secondary School. It was big and damp and went into a bigger cave and it was where the old highlanders were hiding. The Redcoats came to get them. They started a fire and burnt them all to death. They all were hiding and it happened. They were filled with smoke and laid down to die. If they came out the Redcoats stuck their bayonets into them.
If ye went far in there was bones. Matt said it. Bones were bleached. Other fires were there too, just wee ones for cooking, and that was shepherds and fishermen caught in a raging storm just keeping warm and dry. But there was other stuff too, like old beer cans and litter. And people had done's***es next to the walls. So ye might find other people using caves, if they were on the run, maybe murderers. Or else boys running away, maybe it was, ye could get jobs on a farm or on a fishing boat and just stay here till ye got fixed up or ye could buy a tent.
But if ever I did run away, I would. I was not scared. Just because I did not. If I did Mitch could come but even if he did not I would still do it.
Things could be yer Fate. So what could you do after that, you could not do nothing if that was you, if it was God, so you had to do it.
***
Peter Wylie was looking at me, he was at the top of the second row now and I was just in front of him. I liked Peter but he wanted to beat me all the time. He still said about when he fell off the tree, Oh if you had not bounced the branch. He laughed when he did but he meant it. I got fed up with him saying it. Now it was the good school. How come I was going there? It is my big brother's school, I said, that is how.
Oh Smiddy is a brainy b*****d.
It is my maw, she done it, it is no me.
How come?
I do not know, because of my brother.
Oh ye want to f*****g go, said Gary McNab.
No I do not.
I did not like them thinking stuff. Billy too, how come he said it? If they knew I did not want to go? Well, if I did not, how come I was going? That was what they thought. How come it was me. Oh he is f*****g top division, said Gary.
But that did not matter, top division was just daft, it was because of my maw and my brother. I telled them. It was my maw went and done it and it was their headmaster because he liked Matt. If Matt did not go I would not, but because he did, that was how.
It would be the worst. I did not tell the boys that. I did not speak much about it. It was just yer Fate and ye had to. Oh but I did not want to. How come they thought I did! Podgie did not look to me. He started talking about football but no to me. He was keeping me out. That was him. He done that to people. He done it to me a lot. I wished Mitch was there. Mitch would not have cared. Podgie and them were just no real pals. Ye went to meet them and they were away out. Ye went looking and found them and they were talking about something. Nobody said hullo. Ye just stood and waited till they finished. Then if ye were walking, they did not shout ye over. Usually people did, if ye were walking down the shops or someplace and ye did not see them, they shouted ye, Hoh Smiddehhh, Smiddehhh!
Now they did not. How come? It was no my fault, if they thought I wanted to go to that f*****g good school.
It was Podgie. Or else Gary. People waited for them. They did not say hullo to ye so then everybody else, and even Primary 6S, they were just looking, they did not know what to do. Then if they passed round a fag and ye were waiting for a draw. What if they did not give ye one? What if ye were there and they just did not, they gave everybody a draw except ye? Well, if they did, if they did it to me, I would have went home, I would just have went away, I would never ever no have just.
Because it was no fair and I was fed up with it. So if it was my fault. Well it was not my fault. I did not want to go to that rotten stinking f*****g school, really, I did not. They all were snobs and spoke posh at it. I knew they did. Matt telled me. Even the ones that were not posh, they could annoy ye. Some were alright but mostly they were not. Matt said, Oh you will hate it. You will just hate it.
Do not tell him that, said my maw.
She took me to the shop for my complete uniform, ye had to get a navyblue blazer with the school badge, then trousers and proper shoes, and the school tie. I did not want to wear the trousers, they were too wide. My da said they were flannels. Oh son that is a nice pair of flannels.
If it was windy they just flapped about. Even if it was not windy, ye just were running down the road, they just flapped away. Matt said it when we were running down the hill to get the train, Oh you will take off, you will fly away.
Ye could not wear jeans to this school. That was the last thing, if ever ye wore jeans they would just send ye home.
Ye n
eeded a monthly railway-pass. My maw gave me the money for it. I went with Matt on the first morning. It was a full train so we had to stand. All ones going to school, all different schools. Catholics and Protestants. And all their uniforms. Men and women too, going to their work. They worked up the town in offices.
I knew how to get to Matt's school so he did not have to show me. It was a big big building, all bricks and stone. He did not talk much when we walked up the hill from the railway station. He took me into the playground and went away over to his own bit. I saw him talking to big ones. He was in 5th year now The playground was full of people. Darkies were there, boys and girls. Matt said they would be. They just walked about, coloured ones.
At nine o'clock the teachers came out and one of them was reading out names of people and what class they were in and where they were to go. It went on and on. All people had their names called. It came down to the last and there was only a few. I did not like it. It was a man and he kept looking at me all the time. I had not done nothing. How come he was looking at me? I did not have a school bag. My maw was getting me one. I had an old one but I did not bring it. Matt said I should but I did not like carrying stuff and just left it.
Now it was only me and another two, one lassie. Then it was just me. The whole place was empty except me and the teacher. He was going to go away and folded up his papers but he saw me looking and went, Oh would you come here please. What is your name and where do you stay and how come it is you and what happened if your name is not here.
He did not have my name. It was not down on his lists. Where do you live? Is this the correct school? Maybe you should not be here. Oh but I should. My mother said it, she saw the headmaster. My big brother is here too, I said, Matthew Smith.
Oh I know Matthew Smith. He is your brother. Mm. Come with me please.
He took me to the school office. I saw doors for Headmaster and Nurse. I sat down and then later he came back. I was to go to my class right away. My class was iG. They gave me a ticket for dinnerschool.
