by James Kelman
I sat down on the steps to read my school lessons for tomorrow. People were passing along the pavement, lasses too.
Teachers gave ye preparation to do. Ye were to look at pages for stuff and to memorize. It was freezing sitting there. I put the sacks beside me and they were warm.
A paperboy came fast in the close, taking papers out his bag while he went. He passed by folding a newspaper, shoved it through the first letterbox then ran up the stair two at a time. Then was jumping back down and out the close, walking fast to the next one. That was good about newspapers, just folding them up and shoving them through the letterbox. Most parcels were too thick to go through, ye had to chap the door and give it to the person.
I hated sitting there. Mitch was just too late. I could have been away doing the deliveries and getting finished. I brought out the delivery sheets and looked through them. I saw the names and the close numbers and how it all worked, who was to get parcels on such and such a night and then how the parcels checked against their numbers on the sheet. I checked the parcels for the first close. I could just do them. I could just run up fast.
So I did. I ran up and gave them in, and ran back down. Nobody knocked nothing. I would have heard them come in the close. Except if they crept in quiet, if it was a real sneaky robber, then went out the back close.
I looked at my school exercises again but it was freezing sitting on the stairs and my feet and my bum got pins and needles.
Mitch took ages. When he came I had the stuff ready to go into his sacks. I telled him all how we done it with the delivery sheets. He had a fag and sat down for a smoke. Oh come on, I said, smoke it when we go.
F**k sake Smiddy I have been walking for f*****g miles, I need a wee seat.
Well I can just start. You can catch up.
F**k sake.
Well I have been f*****g waiting.
Well I have been f*****g walking.
Me and Mitch did not fight much but now we were. It was no fighting but just an argument, a wee one, but the two of us were looking. It was funny The school I went to was miles and miles away in the town. Ye needed a train there and back. The one Mitch went to was just a walk. But I was quicker. But his was a long long walk. Him and the boys done it the gether, so it took ages. If he went himself it would be better. I said it to him. Do not wait for Podgie and them, just go quick yerself.
But Mitch did not say he would. He just smoked his fag, passed me it for a limit. I took one draw and passed it back. I went and looked out the back then out the front, just looking. What time was it? When did we finish, when did we get our tea and if we had homework. I did not like waiting it was just f*****g horrible. And how come Mitch did not bother, he did not bother. I hated waiting.
Usually ye done a delivery run yerself or got a wee boy to help ye. But no two the same age like me and Mitch because it was no big money and ye had to split it. Then the tips. Some customers were good tippers and other ones were no. Some did not tip at all. Ye went all week with their stuff and they did not tip ye. Mitch said, F**k them, I am not giving them their stuff.
But that was daft, ye had to give them their stuff. That was just Mitch. I said to Freddy the driver about the tips. He told us some customers did not tip ye every week but just saved it up and gave ye a big one for yer Christmas and Ne'erday.
Friday was the collecting night. Friday was when people got paid. It was the best night for getting the money. But then we done it and were short of money. How come? I did not know. Neither did Mitch. Maybe people had not paid him. I said it to him, Did people no pay ye?
Oh aye, that c**t up the last close. I have to come back and get it.
Well what is their name?
Oh it is up number fourteen, I know them.
But he did not. He forgot who it was and then other ones too. Or if they gave him the wrong money. We counted it all up and it was wrong, it was all just wrong. We walked away down to the office and the boss counted it all again and done sums on the paper. Oh there are big losses, he said. Have ye no got anything more?
No.
Oh ye must have something.
We have no got nothing.
But what is that in yer pockets?
That is my tips, I said.
Yer tips! The boss looked over at another man that worked there. He forgot about his tips. Get them out, he said, get them out.
So me and Mitch had to put everything all out and he counted it. Good tips, he said. But ye still owe me money. I will just have to deduct it.
And it was off our wages. But even when he done it there was still no enough money. So he took what we owed him from next week too. So we would not get any wages for next week, except just tips. I was angry and so was Mitch. Mitch was going to get him. He was going to hide behind the trees and fling a brick at him. It was just daft and I telled him no to. He will know it is us, I said.
Well I will f*****g puncture his tyres.
Oh but he will just f*****g sack us and get the cops.
There was a cop station no faraway The boss knew them. Some Fridays ye went into his office and cops were there having a smoke or else drinking a cup of tea. A lot of boys did not go in when they were there. Mitch was one.
But it was not just his fault with the money. People tried to cheat ye. It happened to milkboys and paperboys too. People kidded on they paid ye and they did not. Because they were grown-ups, so they could get away with it. Ye knew it was lies and had to say it to them. Oh missis sorry but ye did not pay because I wrote it in the book and the boss has it as well.
I telled Mitch. Ye just had to say stuff. He did not like to. He got a red face and then telled me. Oh she would not pay me Smiddy, I am going to f*****g break her windows.
We have to get her money but.
She would not f*****g give me it.
Well but we have got to get it.
But Smiddy she would not f*****g give me it.
Well I am going to ask for it.
Oh but she will no give ye it.
But it is our money so she f*****g better, I said because I just got angry too because if it was our money and she was just stealing, that was what I thought. So I just went up and chapped her door and said it to her. Oh missis you did not pay for yer deliveries because the boss told us and wrote down yer name.
I did so pay.
No ye did not.
Oh but I did.
No missis you did not. I said it to the boss tonight when he was talking to the cops and I just told him when all the names were there. Look, see, and your name is down, it was me that wrote it, look.
And then I showed her where her name was written down and how much it was. The woman just got grumpy but she paid it because she knew she had to because if it was the cops and she was just lying. Ye just knew she was lying.
Mitch did not like me telling him stuff. But if it was our money. If ye worked all week and ye did not get anything, no even yer tips, just nothing. Well it is no my fault, he said.
Well it is no mine either. Ye just have to watch it Mitch, if they are f*****g lying. Ye just tell them. We have just got to else we do not get our wages.
Oh f**k, I would just f*****g batter them.
Aye but no if it is a woman.
Well but if she is f*****g cheating us.
Aye but Mitch if it is a woman.
He did not like me saying it but I had to and the same a lot of Fridays because when the money did not add up and if it was him to blame, it was the ones he collected.
But if it was just me I liked Friday night. I liked collecting. Ye got yer tips when ye done it right and all people came to the door, lasses too, and ye were just there and saw them all.
But other days Mitch still came late. I took his sacks to school with me so I could get it ready for when he came. Then I started doing it myself, because even five minutes and I could do two closes. Easy. One night I was away doing the fifth when he came and he had to catch up. Oh f**k Smiddy, you should wait.
But I was just sit
ting.
Aye but it is no fair if you are doing it all.
Oh but I do not f*****g mind.
Aye but f**k sake Smiddy it is my job and if you are f*****g doing it.
Well but if I am sitting doing nothing.
How can ye no wait? Just wait.
Aye but if I am no f*****g doing nothing.
Well can ye no do yer f*****g homework, if ye have got homework, that is what ye say, so just do it.
F**k sake Mitch.
Just till I come.
It is too f*****g cold sitting down.
Well that is no my fault.
Well it is no mine either.
He could have been there fast. If I could so could he. Even if he skipped out early. People asked the teacher, maybe if it was the dentist. Ye could just get a forgery note. I would write it for him. Even ten minutes early was great for me because a train came five minutes before the bell rang. I pelted down the road. Most times I caught it. Other ones done it. All fourth or fifth years. Lasses too. Twice I saw my brother. He did not see me.
The early train was great, just sitting at the window. People in my class were still at their desk and I was miles away. Imagine it was forever. Some trains went to the highlands. All mountains, fields and lochs and ye could get a boat maybe and go sailing, right out to sea, away way away. And that would be you. Boys got jobs as fishermen. Maybe I could. It was a hard life but ye made money and ye saved up. It was rough seas up north and that was where the fishermen went, away to Greenland and up the Baltic. So I was not going in the Navy, but I still liked sea stories.
When Freddy came I was waiting for him. I said, If I come earlier can ye bring the deliveries?
Oh aye, quarter past, I can do it for quarter past.
Oh that would be great.
Well ye better f*****g be there man cause I am not coming for f**k all.
I told Mitch so he could come early too but he did not. Then it was one day he did not come at all, and then the next night. The paperboy passed and we smoked a fag. He said, Oh well maybe he does not want the f*****g job.
I went the whole way. It was heavy with the four sacks but the weight went down every parcel ye delivered. That was two times. Really, it was no fair. He only had to tell me the day before. Then I would not be looking for him. I would have finished faster. After my tea I went up to his house. He said he had to stay home because his maw telled him. But I knew she did not tell him. It was just a f*****g fib. I could have said it to him. It was just stupid.
Then the delivery sheets. Mitch would not read them. How come? So then if he took wrong stuff to people and they were there complaining, Oh where is my parcel this is the wrong one.
I showed him how to mark in the delivery sheets and all the stuff but he did not see it right. Oh Smiddy, f**k sake, if you just tell me.
Oh but Mitch ye have got to do it yerself, look. And if ye showed him, he just did not look so if he was not concentrating. The teacher said it in Primary class how he would not concentrate. But it was true. Then dogs. How come he worried about dogs? Even the second close dog, old scabby chops. Who could be scared of old scabby chops except Mitch. All it done was lie in the weeds in the front garden. It was just an old old dog, nearly dead, just scabby-looking. Nobody could be feared of it. Ye just wondered because it would be dead soon, poor old thing, Oh my time has come. It just lied there and looked at its paws. Another dog was there and Mitch was feared of it too, a wee mongrel terrier. Other people did not like this one. It was a dog that jumped on ye. But what was it going to do? It could hardly even nip ye. I clapped it to show Mitch. That was all ye done. But he hated dogs and would never clap them. I used to put his hand to the dog to pet it but he still would not.
It did not matter about dogs if ye hated them or ye loved them. Freddy the driver said that. If ye got them ye got them. There is nothing except ye have to do it, if it is yer job. Ye have to go up the close. I said it to Mitch, What if a dog is in every house so then ye cannot f*****g do any f*****g deliveries?
No.
Aye but ye would need to if it was yer customers.
Well I would not.
So if ye could not do the job?
I would.
How?
I just f*****g would.
Aye but how, if ye cannay?
The mongrel terrier was the worst of all for Mitch. When it came running he forgot the names of people and all what he was doing. It was a worry. Then too how come he was so slow? He went up closes and did not come back. Where was he? So I done the next closes myself. He did not like me doing it. F**k sake Smiddy ye knew I was coming.
Aye but how long have I to wait?
Just f*****g wait.
No but how long?
I do not f*****g know.
Neither do I.
And I would not wait. Waiting was daft. A lot of times I was half way before he came then if it was stupid excuses. Oh the f*****g teacher made me stay in the class. You can f*****g ask Podgie if ye do not believe me.
But I was no going to ask Podgie. If Mitch came he came, if he did not he did not. I did not care, just if he telled me. I was no the boss. I did not care, I went fast without him. Just if he telled me I would not be looking for him. What if it was me and I was late, or else did not come? I said it to Mitch. So then nobody would get their deliveries.
Oh but you always come.
Aye but what if I do not?
Oh Smiddy, you always f*****g come.
Aye but if I did not, what would happen to the deliveries? Nobody would f*****g do them. Freddy would have to return the f*****g things to the boss and the boss would just sack us. He would. Because if nobody is there to do the f*****g job, that is how.
I do not care if he sacks me.
Well I do, I do not want the f*****g sack.
Oh you will no get the sack.
Aye but if I do?
Oh but you will no, the boss f*****g likes you.
Because I come and you do not.
Well who f*****g tells him if I do not come?
No me.
Well who?
I do not f*****g know.
Freddy?
I do not know but Mitch it is no f*****g me. What would I tell him for, I do not f*****g care.
Oh no you do not care.
I do not.
Well what are ye always f*****g saying it to me for? Oh you are late you are late, ye always f*****g say it.
Well but ye are late.
F**k sake Smiddy I cannot f*****g help it if the teacher keeps me in. It is no my f*****g fault.
Well it is no f*****g mine. It isnay.
Mitch spat on the ground. I will not be f*****g late tomorrow.
Oh well, I said but really I did not care if he came late or when, if he did not come. I was no the boss. That was how he acted, as if I was. How come it was me to tell him? I did not want to. The only time he was not late was Friday night for collecting and that was tips. Freddy the driver said, Oh he is a f*****g smart c***t, do not worry about that.
That was Mitch, he was a smart c***t. Nobody thought that except Freddy the driver. Then the paperboy said, You are doing all the work and he is getting half the f*****g money.
I thought that too but I wished he had not said it. The paperboy was a Catholic and was older than me. He acted like he could just say stuff. He finished his paper-run first but if ye were fast he waited for ye. He lived in a different scheme so when we got to the field he went the other way.
I said to him about coming for a game of football on Sundays. I did not know if he was any good at football. A lot of Catholics were. He did not talk about it much so maybe he was not. But he was no really a pal. Sometimes I thought he was but he was not. He could go funny. If he finished his run and I was nearly finished mine he would be away over and going home. So he was not waiting for ye. If ye went after him he did not speak when ye caught up. Then if Mitch was there, maybe he did not like Mitch. Mitch liked him except he was a Catholic so he did not talk
to him much. I did. I just wanted to. Mitch said, Oh you just tell him everything.
Well how no?
Mitch did not say it but what he was meaning, because he was a Catholic. Even I did not say Pape. How come ye do not say Pape?
Just because I do not, I do not like it. I would no say it to the paperboy, Oh you are a Pape. You are a Pape. I wouldnay. Would you?
Aye, said Mitch.
Would ye?
Aye. How no?
I just wouldnay. So you would say it to him, Oh you are a Pape?
Mitch laughed.
What is funny?
I do not know.
But I was laughing too. It was just stupid. But I did not care if the paperboy was a Catholic. But what about him to us? He played cards for money on Friday nights, him and other paperboys, all wages and tips. One time he won pounds and banked it for his holidays. Me and Mitch wanted to go. I would have loved just to watch. But the paperboy never took us. I did not know the ones he played with, if they were all Catholics. I did not think so. No if they were paperboys, ye got different ones. In the deliveries ye did not get many In Gary McNab's milk job it was just Protestants.
I would rather have had a paperboy job. Ye made more tips and it was just the one bag to carry. The paperboy said it was heavier than our four sacks put the gether. That was just's***e. But so what if it was heavier? I would still carry it. If he thought I could not carry it. That was just stupid. The paperboy was a year older than me. He acted like that made him better at everything. How come? He was no even bigger than me. It was the same at school. If there was people from the year above ye it was supposed to make them better fighters. They walked to ye and ye were supposed to get out their way. If a boy from ist year battered a boy from the 2nd, people talked about it.
The paperboy was quite a boaster. He said his school was better than mine. People came from all over Glasgow to it and everybody had to wear uniforms. That was the same as us. Then if a lassie wore trousers she got expelled. It was the same in ours. Lasses had to wear skirts and no too short. But when they sat down ye still saw their legs, ye could not help it. If they saw ye seeing them they gave ye a look, so ye were the lowest of the low. A lassie in iB said that. Maureen Jones, she had a quite short skirt and ye saw her legs, ye could not help it. Ye were not meaning to see them, just if ye saw her and she was sitting down, so the tops of her legs like that right up her skirt so ye looked, ye could not help it.
