by James Kelman
She carried her school bag in a funny way. And her schoolblazer too, how she wore that, she rolled up the sleeves and put her hands in her side pockets. Her thumbs came over the top. Ye did not see lasses doing that. Maybe they were not allowed. But she did, her thumbs came over the top of her pockets and it looked good the way she done it and if she stood there too how she just crossed over legs when she was standing. She was just standing when she done it, her legs were crossed over and just her knees and then up and her skirt was there, ye just saw it, and shadows, just seeing shadows, ye saw her and it was shivering. I saw her going to the cafe with her pal at dinnertime and just walking up the street. She said stuff if she caught ye looking. A boy called McNaughton was doing it and she shouted at him, Oh you, McNaughton, you are the lowest of the low.
I thought about if I was dogging school, imagine ye met her, if she was dogging it and ye were someplace up the town. Imagine ye saw her and ye went over, because if ye saw her and she saw you, Oh it is Smith, he is in iG. Maybe boys were there and shouting at her and you saw her, Oh Maureen come on with me, and she did, then if ye had a fag, Oh here is a fag. But if she did not smoke. Maybe she did not.
Sometimes I did not know I was dogging school till I done it. I just stayed on the train and watched the people get off. Oh I will change at the next station and catch a train back. That was what I thought, but I did not, I went up the town and walked about. But then if it was too cold or wet, ye wished ye had went to school, ye were starving and nay money for a cafe. There was shops where ye could knock stuff but some were waiting to catch ye. Other ones looked at ye. Maybe they were going to tell the cops. Oh that boy should be at school. Well how did they know? Maybe ye were going to the dentist or the doctor or yer grannie. If a cop said it to me I would tell him. I would never run. Mitch did. Oh there is a cop, and he ran up a close. But what if the cops ran after ye? They did if they saw ye running.
Freddy the driver did not say cops, he said busies. Watch out for the busies. These c**ts will f*****g do ye. Just walk normal if ye see them. Put yer hands in yer f*****g pockets man just f*****g whistle a tune. But do not say hullo, these c**ts will think ye are being cheeky.
It was hopeless if ye were too early at the delivery run. Freddy did not come until four fifteen. I asked him but he would not. The boss did not give him the deliveries before four o'clock and did not like ye being too early because what if the cops saw There was a police office nearby and cops came in to see the boss. They took their hats off and smoked a fag and drank cups of tea. I did not like seeing them, then if they watched ye, so if ye got a red face. Oh what have you been doing?
The boss telled ye, Keep out the f*****g road.
Other boys went up the town. Ye had to watch if they were going to jump ye. It would have been good if ye had a pal. I went into the big railway stations but cops were there. I kidded on I was waiting for a train. I had my railway pass to show them. They would say Oh this is the wrong station for that train.
Oh I made a mistake, and then I could just get away.
I liked seeing the different towns on the board for departures. London, Plymouth and Cheltenham Spa. Plymouth was right far down. Imagine getting that train. Ye could jump it, except if the ticket collectors caught ye. But if ye waited till the very last minute then ran and jumped on. But how could ye if they were watching. Except if the train was moving. Ye had to wait till it was moving and then do it. And if ye couldnay open the train doors, well ye could just climb up on the roof then lie down flat and wait till the next station, then dreep down and go in a door.
I stopped dogging it too much because if it was Approved School. Mitch was in one at Primary School. My da would have killed me, and my maw would just be greeting and all just whatever. But I liked dogging it. But I just had to stop it. Sometimes going to school and walking up from the station, just at the very last minute, I turned the corner and went along another street. Because I was dogging it and did not even know until that very last minute. But then if ye changed yer mind and just ran back and in the gate before the bell rang.
But coming home after school, if ye missed the early train it put ye back half an hour with the deliveries and that was good time. If ye started late ye got later and later. First it was half an hour then it was three quarters. Then it was an hour. How did that happen? But it did. I telled Mitch. He did not like me saying it. But it was true. If ye are early ye are early, if ye are late ye just get later and later.
No ye do not, he said.
But ye did. I knew ye did because when he did it that is what happened and we were always just late and I hated it, and just in late at night. My maw had my tea to heat up in the oven.
People did not know about yer job. If I was home at six o'clock, how come it was no half past? How come it was no seven o'clock? I had to run and go fast and if I did not get the early train I would always be late. If Mitch was no there I was doing the four sacks myself. But that was alright, ye just got used to it. My maw and da did not think about it. Oh how come you are fast home? They never said that. I did not tell them. Otherwise rows rows rows, it would just be rows. Oh dogging it dogging it, they would not let me.
People thought things were good but they were not. What if ye had short money for yer collection? The boss took it off ye, ye did not get yer pay It was Mitch's fault, he put things in the wrong door or just whatever. Oh that is just helpers, said the paperboy, ye should no f*****g have one, they just keep ye back.
Oh but Mitch is no a f*****g helper. It is his job too.
But if he is doing it wrong?
He is not.
I thought ye said he was.
No it is just mistakes, just sometimes.
Helpers keep ye back, he said.
The paperboy would not have a helper. He used to have one but then stopped it. But me and Mitch were pals. The paperboy was no really a pal. He was like one but was not. He telled me there was somebody in the Boys Guild called Kieron. So if really it was a Catholic name, if that is what he was saying, that was just daft and from being a child. People were all different names. In my school John and Michael and Jim and Brian were Catholics and Protestants, even a Joseph was a Protestant.
It was Mitch's job first. I was sharing it with him. He just should have come more. I wished he did. But he did not. So it was like my job. People thought it was. Freddy the driver said, Oh it is your job man you are the one that f*****g does it.
I liked Freddy saying it but then I did not. It was good because really if it was me doing the job. So if I was. If I was I was. So if I did not need nobody. Maybe I did not. I could just do it myself. But it was Mitch's job first. Except if he did not want it. Well then.
***
Trials came for the school football team. It was one team for the whole ist year, iA down to iG. Ye went straight after school to the sports ground next Tuesday and Wednesday. But that was no good.
People were talking about it. It was up on the Notice Board down the gym corridor. I went to see and there it was, Trials. Tuesday and Wednesday. It was no good. I read it again to see and it was just the same.
The best players all got picked out the Trial games. After that it was training every Wednesday and ye played every Saturday afternoon. Boys were talking about how they were all going. It would be great, but it was no good. I wanted in the school team. Except I had the job and could not go to the Trials. If ye did not go ye did not get picked. So ye had to go. But then if ye could not. And ye needed to, else ye could not play, never ever, how could ye, ye could not, ye would just never be able to play, so that was you and ye never ever could ever ever. How could ye? Ye could never. I telled my da. Oh well, he said, you will just have to go on Friday night.
But da.
The BB comes first.
But da it is not the BB
Well the BB comes first.
But I am no talking about the BB.
Well what are ye talking about?
Oh I am no talking about nothing.
Do not be so damn cheeky, ye think because ye are twelve!
No dad and I am no being cheeky, it is just not the BB it is nothing to do with the BB it is the school team and how about the Trials if ye cannay go and ye are just well if ye cannay, ye just cannay go.
Well I do not know what ye are talking about, if it is not the BB, if it is the school team, what are ye meaning?
Oh I am no meaning nothing, I said and just went out the room. I could not say to him, I could not say at all to him. What he was talking about, the BB, it was nothing to do with the BB. He just was not listening, people just did not listen. Ye were saying stuff and they just were not listening. If ye did not play in the Trials ye did not play for the school team.
I talked to him again about it. I made toast and beans for supper and brought it through for me, him and my maw. The school had their own team and the boys to play in it would get picked out the Trials. They had the Trial games, so ye played in them and got picked. And if ye did not play in the Trials ye did not get picked. That was what happened. You went to the Trials and ye played the Trial games and then whoever got picked got picked, that is what happened, but if ye could not go then ye could not go and ye could never ever get picked.
Oh but son, no everybody can get picked.
Aye but what I am saying dad ye get picked if ye play in the Trials
There is more to life than football.
Listen to your father, said my maw.
Yes I know but
Oh there is aye a but with you son. My da was smiling.
I know dad I am just saying, it is after school for the Trials. Ye have to get the bus to the school playing fields and ye do not get home till half past six or else even seven o'clock.
Well what is wrong with that, if it is seven o'clock, yer mother will stick yer tea in the oven.
But da it is no my tea it is my job, I have got my job.
My da just looked at me. He did not know what I was meaning. He did not think of me having a job. He even forgot I had one. I told him how if ye did not go for the training and especially if ye did not play in the Trial games then that was you because how could ye get picked and if ye had a job, well, ye could not.
Football is not everything, said my maw
I know mum but it is just how it would be good to play but if it is Tuesday and Wednesday night for the Trials and if ye have a job well ye cannot go, it is just not fair. And even after that when ye get picked ye have to do yer training one night a week and it is straight from school ye do it, so ye just cannot go, so really, if ye have a job then it just is not fair, so if
Oh for Heaven sake, said my da.
No but dad
Kieron, for God sake.
And my maw just was looking, her forehead all wrinkled up, not knowing what it was, just worried. Oh what have ye done Kieron? Oh you have done something, what is it?
Mum I have not done nothing, except just what I am saying how if it is the Trials.
Oh Kieron.
Mum I have not done nothing.
My da was looking straight at me, just a hard look, as if he was giving me a row. But I had no done anything, so how come a row? I was just saying it, ye just could not get saying it, they would not listen, they just would not.
I went out the room. I did not slam the door, but closed it. I listened a wee minute but they did not speak about me. My maw would not stick up for me, if it was football, it was all just silly Everything was just yer studies, yer studies, and my da just said it for her, he did not back ye up.
Mr Ramsay was our PE teacher for football. He used to play for a big club. He had good style. His first name was Charles so Charlie Ramsay. Charlie Ramsay. When our classes went for outside PE it was him reffed, so he knew who was good players. He joined in playing and nicked the ball off ye when ye were running, then hit a long pass way down the wing for the other team, hitting it with the outside of his boot, and how it swerved and went down there for the other players to chase and maybe they would score a goal. It was good how he done it but he was the ref so ye were not expecting the tackle. Maybe if ye knew he was doing it ye could have got the ball past him. So it was a wee bit no fair. But it did not matter because if he done it, if ye were a bad player, well, he never done it. He only done it if ye were a good player. So if he done it to ye, ye knew ye were no bad.
He was used to real training with real teams and probably that was what they did. He did not even tackle, just nicked the ball off yer foot. Ye were running with it and that was what he done, his foot just took it away. If he ran with it ye could not stop him, ye tried but could not. But he ran with his arms out and ye could not get near him else ye would get punched. If the referee saw it that was a foul. He done it with his elbows too. How could ye tackle him. Ye could not. But he was the ref himself so just done it.
He did not talk to ye like the old PE teacher for rugby. He just watched what ye done. Some smiled at ye or said yer name, but Mr Ramsay did not. Sometimes he was looking and did not see stuff. A boy said, Oh he is in a fantasy world, he is dreaming about the Cup Final, he has just scored a goal.
Well if he did, me too, and ye were on the train to school thinking about games, oh if that pass came to me instead of him I would just break down the wing and if somebody comes with a sliding tackle I shall just flick the ball up and jump over and just on and on maybe cut in and slip a good pass through so yer team scores a goal, and they all clap the one that scored but really it was you, it was you done it, and ye just give a wink.
I was going to say to Mr Ramsay about the Trials. When we were going off the pitch he was coming last. I went to do it then did not. I would tell him after, just I could not even go to the Trials. I could not even go. So that was not fair. I would love to go but I could not, because of my job. But I would love to go. I just could not. I would love to. Maybe if I done my own training or if there was other times or else days for the Trials. What if it was Saturday? Only I had to collect delivery money on Saturday afternoon if the folk had not paid me on Friday night. Saturday morning was football for the BB wee team. It was good but just wee. If it was the school team I would rather play for that. So I could do it on Saturday after all. But Sunday was best if it was Sunday. The BB liked ye going to Bible Class then every month was Church Parade and ye had to go marching with the uniform. But I could just chuck the BB. It was Friday night anyway and they did not like me and Mitch coming late because with the job. So I could do it if it was Sunday.
This games period was the last before dinnertime. Ye took showers because ye were muddy after the game. Usually I was out the changing rooms fast and waiting on the bus back to school because if it was ten minutes to wait ye done yer homework. Now I waited round the teachers' gate. Mr Ramsay came out wearing his outside clothes. I went to talk to him. Oh sir, I said, I am Smith in yer class.
Smith?
Aye sir yes, if
Then I could not speak hardly at all and just got a red face. It got worse so I could hardly breathe. I could not. It was in my throat and I was going to choke and having to gulp for a breath I could not get a breath and Mr Ramsay was looking at me and did not know what was wrong, just squinty eyes, how his eyes were squinting. What is wrong, he said, are you having problems? Are boys waiting to get you?
No, no sir.
If it is bullying? Do not be frightened.
No sir.
My voice sounded stupid. He did not know my name. He thought I was getting bullied. In that school, as if it was me, if I would be bullied, I would never be bullied. He did not know it was me. I was the one he nicked the ball off. So I was a good player, else he would not have nicked the ball off me. But he did not know my name. Just son. What is wrong son are boys waiting to get you? No in that school. Never ever. There was nothing in that school it was just a total complete nightmare and I hated it the worst, just the worst, the very very worst, it was the very worst, ye could not imagine how bad it was it was just whatever was the worst thing, worser. Ye could not even t
alk and if yer voice was just how it sounded and they were just looking at ye and even if the teacher did not hear ye. What did you say? Are you having trouble? Are boys bullying you?
No sir nothing, boys are not bullying me.
Because if they are.
No sir they are not.
Oh well good, and he was seeing his watch now because with the bus waiting and it was dinnertime next.
Oh sir just about the football sir, the Trial games for the school team, I cannot go because I have got a job, how it says on the Notice Board Tuesday and Wednesday for the Trial games how if the teams are going to be selected at the Trial games and I cannot go. Because if I cannot get to the training sir and then the Trial games so then if I have no to get picked that is not fair.
Well, try your best for one of the nights.
But I cannot sir except maybe if the training could happen later on maybe after teatime, that would be the best time sir if it was not straight from school, if it was maybe the evening. Or else the weekend maybe if it was Sundays if it was the afternoon sir.
Well I do not think that can happen but you know it is not me who organizes the Trials training sessions, it is Mr McCutcheon. He is the man you should see.
Now he was looking at his watch. Now he was going for the bus. Maybe you could do your job in the evenings instead. Or do not do it on training nights, even better. Come on now, the bus is waiting.
So that was him. I saw ones looking at me out the bus windows. I did not care about them. What he said was daft. But Matt said it too. Could ye not give it up for one night?
