by James Kelman
Give the job up for one night. That was just daft. How could ye give up the job for one night? Only if Mitch could do it but Mitch could not. He would not want to do it, but if he did, maybe he would, but it would just be daft, then if it was every week for one night for training, he would never do that.
So I could not go.
After the ist year Trials it did not matter about football. In 2nd year the same boys were picked. If ye were not playing in the ist year and going to their stupid training night ye would not get considered.
Them that got into the team acted like the best players, just showing off. And they were not. How did they know if not all had a chance? They were not the best and could not say it but they did.
***
But plenty in the good school were not posh. One was McEwan. McEwan played in the 2nd year team. He played in the ist year from last year and now he was repeating he just carried on. The teachers did not like it and did not like him but he was one of the best players. He was past fourteen. Boys went about with him so it was like a wee gang. He was not in my class but one of his pals was. Their class was iF and ours was iG. Sometimes they put us together for PE and games and sometimes History. McEwan's pal in our class was Webster. Him and another one made a fool of people and were ready to fight. Going along the corridors they kicked boys on the bum for nothing. They tormented them in the classroom, tapping them on the shoulder and hitting them on the head with rulers or else skelping their bum and flicking towels if it was the changing room. We did not have darkies in our class but two Jewboys and he done it to them and the Belgium boy.
But Webster was good at sports so was maybe a good fighter. People thought he was. He acted like it but maybe he was not. But ye were waiting for him to get ye and ye got sick of it, just because he was pals with McEwan. That was Gary McNab to Podgie, how he went with him. But McEwan was a better fighter than Podgie. He was older and just tougher, that was what I thought. But no Webster, I would never be scared of Webster. But Webster was not McEwan's best pal, that was Sabby, and ye would not fight Sabby, I would never, he just smiled at ye, but he would have battered ye. He was repeating ist year the same as McEwan. Sometimes they played football at dinnertime in the playground. People did not tackle much there but I started doing it just because I did and if somebody was in the school team, I done it to them.
McEwan was a good dribbler and usually beat ye. It was just a wee ball so he could do stuff with it, hitting it through yer legs. I went in and cracked his ankle, I did not mean it, he just turned quick so my boot caught him. Oh for f**k sake, he said.
Oh sorry, I said, but he just shook his head and pushed me, no for a fight but just so he could walk away. He did not come after me and did not kick me the next time. But he could have, he could have kicked me any time. Ye knew with McEwan he was a tough fighter. Him and his pals went to the cafe or else down a back lane to smoke and wait for lasses.
He sat at the back. If the teacher said a question to him he kidded on he did not hear. The teacher had to say it again, Oh Mr McEwan.
What, what is it - sir?
I asked you a question.
Oh, I did not hear you - sir.
Well?
McEwan just looked at him, who was he talking to. Then the teacher would say, I asked you a question Mr McEwan.
Oh, I did not hear you - sir.
And that wee space for sir, I did not hear you - sir. He did not say answers but knew them, just gave a wee smile. He spat on the classroom floor. The teacher knew but kidded on he did not. Once in History it was an old man teacher instead of the usual one and McEwan whispered, This c**t is a f*****g dickie. He done it loud so everybody could hear him. The teacher looked at him but it was maybe he did not hear it, or did he? No, he could not have, no boy would say such a thing. But McEwan did. Then a wee minute after he started laughing. The teacher kidded on he did not hear. Then he pished against the radiator before the class started. The pee streamed down the middle of the floor. People thought what it was but did not think somebody would do it. Then the teacher came in. McEwan just put his hand up. The radiator is leaking sir.
What did you say?
The radiator is leaking — sir.
The teacher came round to see. Go to the janitor's room and get a mop and bucket and ask if he will come and see it.
Yes sir.
When McEwan went to the door he brought a fag packet out behind the teacher's back, took out a fag and winked at his pals. He did not care if other people saw him doing it. Things disappeared out the gym changing room and people said it was him. The old PE teacher came in to tell us. His face was angry and he told us all to sit down. There is no place for sneak thieves in this school. Sneak thieves are the worst dregs and people that steal from their classmates are just filthy scum. He talked about other stuff, how if these were yer friends ye were to be loyal, friends were friends and if people were in yer class that was what they were, friends.
But then McEwan was there behind him and doing wanking signs behind his back. Ye could not believe he was doing it. What if the PE teacher caught him? He was not a coward and would say it. But if he did McEwan would get him. I thought that. I was glad the PE teacher did not see him else it would have been the worse for him because even if he was a man and a good fighter like a PE teacher ye still thought McEwan would get him.
There was shops near the cafe. I saw him and Sabby in one at dinnertime and they were knocking. I done it too with a bar of chocolate, up my sleeve. Outside the shop I took it out and they saw me. Sabby pointed over. McEwan just looked. He was the best at knocking. In one shop they kept the chocolate and stuff beside the fags behind the counter and people were watching ye all the time. Ye could never get anything. But McEwan was big and he stretched his arm right over the counter. He lifted a bar of chocolate and kept it inside his palm with his thumb holding it. A woman saw him. Her eyes flickered to him but she did not say nothing, because she was scared.
Boys in higher classes were scared of him too. I did not know any he was scared of. If one done something to him, he would just wait and get them after. Ye knew that with McEwan. Once I was reading a paper and he grabbed it out my hand and tore it up. I had not done nothing to him. He just walked away. Webster and Sabby were there and saw it. Webster was in my class and was laughing at me. But then McEwan got him. Webster was good at telling jokes. He started off telling one and McEwan said, Going to shut yer f*****g mouth! Eh? F*****g shut up.
So Webster had to shut up. I felt like laughing. That was McEwan, he even done it to his own pals. Maybe Webster was not his pal, maybe he just acted like he was.
Then in the cafe it was McEwan sitting behind me and other ones were with him. I was just myself. Two other ones were at my table because it was crowded. Drenching rain outside and just freezing cold. I was thinking about my deliveries because ye had to watch it if it was raining too heavy and the wet got in yer parcels because if they got soaked, if yer customers did not want them, it was you, it just came off your wage. So if I could get stuff off Freddy to put in the sacks and cover them. Freddy was good at helping ye.
But I was going to get soaked too. I did not have a coat, just a jacket. I hated coats. Only they were good for their pockets. If I got soaked I would have to go home from school and change. That made ye late for work. But if I dogged the last two periods.
Maybe I would. Or else right now, if I just went home right now, and dogged the rest of the afternoon. Except the Registration teacher was giving me looks with my forgery notes. When it got bad with people the teachers wrote letters to yer maw and da. If mine did it I would just get his letter off the postman, or else what, I did not care. Or if the rain went off, maybe I would stay in school, or go to my grannie.
I was just thinking about it and something at my back just at my bum, it was like something, I did not know what, but just — and McEwan behind me. So it was him. It was him doing it. I sat forward.
So it was him and he was doing it to me. So tha
t was that and it was McEwan. It was just McEwan. But it was no sore, just tickly. But he still done it and I could not go more forward.
I kidded on I did not feel it. I heard him whispering, Oh I f*****g telled ye, he loves it.
Oh I f*****g telled ye, he loves it, scraping my bum with something, a ruler or pencil, that was McEwan and I went total red because I knew it, that was it and what he was doing to me and I had to look round. I had to. And Sabby and Webster and them looking at me. McEwan kidded on he was not doing nothing. But he started doing it again. I turned round to him. Oh, I said, going to chuck it.
I just said it quiet then sat to the front and was waiting for something, whatever, to happen, then the scraping thing again, but only a wee minute then it stopped.
I counted. I was going to count to twenty but after twelve I lifted my school bag and got up and left the cafe. So that was me, so I was not one of McEwan's pals. Well I did not want to be. I did not want to be anybody's pals, no ever. Just going myself, that was what I wanted. Other ones did not care about McEwan. Posh ones. Big Borland and them did not care about McEwan, they did not go where he went. I would be the same.
Boys got called poofs and bumboys. That was the worst. I always thought if Carslake told people. Maybe he did. But I do not think so because they would shout at him too. Bumboys. And that was McEwan doing it to mine. Ye got called that. So if they were going to do it to me, if they just tried it. What if they did? McEwan and them were down the lane having a smoke. I was too and did not see them till I was there. McEwan did not look at me but Sabby said, Alright Smith?
I just walked past and nothing happened. I did not act tough to them but I did not speak because I did not want to and just could not, if they were going to get me, five of them, that was just cowards, I did not care about them, I was just waiting. Other times they waited there for lasses. McEwan went with one and another went with another. The rest stood a bit away and watched if they were kissing. One time I saw McEwan and Sabby down the railway lane and they were standing with the gang that went there. I was going to pass them that time but I did not, I just went round the long way and they never saw me.
Really it was Webster, he was the one in my class, how he acted it, just stupid stuff, flicking the school bag off yer shoulder and slapping ye on the back then dodging roundabout, clicking yer heels when ye were walking. People kidded on it was a laugh. It was not. He did not do it to Brogan and Hannah or Donald Shields. Even ones like Carslake. How come he left them alone? In Algebra class he started doing it to me, just tapping me on the shoulder. I kidded on it was nothing, just a laugh, but he kept doing it and it was on the same spot and getting sore so I was just moving a wee bit, then he said, Please sir he is hitting me.
He done it in a low voice but as if he was mimicking me and I was going to shop him to the teacher. It was just stupid. Then he was tapping me on the shoulder again so I turned round and said, Stop that.
He mimicked me. Stop that.
He stopped it for a wee while then done a couple of more taps. They were not that sore but just how they annoyed me. I turned round to him, Fucking chuck it.
I shouted it loud and everybody heard. I did not care. It was the Algebra teacher, Mad Marty. I did not care who it was, Mad Marty, so what. His eyes went wide. It was complete silence till he said, What was that! Come out here. Did I hear you right. What did you say? What did you say boy? Speak up. You shall go straight to the Headmaster's Office.
He was opening the desk and bringing out the belt. So it was not the Headmaster, just him strapping ye. He gave me four with crossed hands. If ever ye split yer hands with him so much the worse. Two of them were sore ones that went up yer wrist and came out red with white blotches. And ye just had to stand there when he was putting the belt away, yer hands hanging down and a nothing feeling, then all pins and needles.
Please sir can I leave the room? Please sir may I leave the room?
He nodded his head.
Ye had to leave the room. Martin belted ye hard and ye could not help it, just water out yer eyes. Ye did not want people to see so ye asked him, and ye had to say it like that. Please sir may I leave the room. If ye said can I leave the room, he did not speak till ye said it right. Sometimes he said, Can I canoe you up the river.
He let ye go to the lawy if ye got belted, ye did not want to blink because then the water would come. Maybe ye were not greeting but it looked like ye were and then sitting down in front of them all. And yer hands, what ye do with them, if ye leave them on the desk or under the table and ye cannot blow on them just having to sit there then what, just waiting there till the bell goes for the end of the period and yer head is not thinking about nothing except just how yer hands are and how the stinging is going, if ye know what stage it is, is it near the end or maybe another bit to go, white or red. So if ye go to the toilet, getting the cold water for yer hands and yer wrists, yer face too so ye were not greeting, ye were not greeting, it was just water how it came out yer eyes, I hated that it was just so fucking horrible ye just could not, no if ye could manage no to so ye tried to leave the room ye just ran water over them out the tap. They went tingling and ye looked at them and they were curled up and just shaking a wee bit and then up yer wrist the white was away and it was coming up red and ye saw yer veins. What if they burst? All yer veins were there and that was where he belted ye. He did not try to hit ye there but he did.
People were looking at me after the class. I did not care and was happy what had happened. It was no my school and I was getting to fuck away out it. Webster came up to talk to me after the class. I knew he would. I just did. I knew he would just want to and I was nearly laughing.
Oh what did ye shout for? Ye should not have shouted, he said, that was how ye got belted. What did ye shout for? Ye should not have shouted.
Aye but I did.
Well ye should not have.
Aye but I fucking did.
Webster was looking at me and I was looking at him back. Ha ha, that was what I thought, if he wanted to fight me, well I would fucking have him, that was what I thought, I could just fucking beat him. Other people were looking too. Oh is Smith going to fight him. Maybe I would maybe I wouldnay. I did not care about Webster and all them, McEwan or else the posh ones, I just wanted away and just away from them all, all them, I did not care about any of them. I saw the street down the hill and that was me, I imagined walking down it.
Webster was no a real fighter. I would batter him. Maybe if he jumped me he would get me but he would not.
I was glad I took the belt. People all would know. Oh Smith did not care, he just swore in the classroom. Mad Marty gave him four and he just took it. And that was Webster, it was his fault.
So if he jumped me, the best place was walking down to the railway station. But I could climb the wall and get through a close. So what if they caught me, if it was Webster, I would boot him or stick the knee in, that would be him. Except if he had handers, McEwan or Sabby, they would batter me. Maybe if I carried a blade and took it out. Alright then come on, come on. Ye want it, come on. Ye would just be careful no to stick it in the heart or else the eye or the neck. If they thought I was soft and they were going to get me, they would never get me. I did not need a knife for them, just if it was McEwan or Sabby.
I walked down a river-street and jumped a ferry. All the noise from the yards, sawing and screeching sounds, drills and big hammers falling, hooters going off. Only me and two old men were aboard. I stood up with the skipper looking way over to the pier, going on the wide curve out, it just looked wee. How come he never missed? Who would ye save if it sank, a wee wean or an old woman?
Imagine the skipper sailed it right down the river. One done that, he just got fed up. My Uncle Billy telled us. A real sailor from the islands, he sailed the ferry down the river and away out to sea, all the people shouting at him, a big teuchter, he didnay care, he was just wanting to sail the boat and just go away because it was all just horrible, everything.
My da laughed to hear it and so did me and Matt, seeing the ferry away out to sea and people all shouting at him. Except if the waves were too high, if it was rough seas and all crashing over, people would be scared, so nay wonder.
My grannie's street was quite a long walk. Auntie May was there. I went into the front room where grannie kept the writing paper and I done a forgery note to the Registration teacher from my maw just how I had the dentist.
My grannie made me toast and cheese. I did not stay long. If she forgot to give me my subway fare I had to take the ferry and it took longer. If she forgot I did not ask. I did not like asking with Auntie May there, if she thought I was trying to get my grannie's money. Sometimes she looked at me and I did not like it and just a funny feeling. I did not do anything wrong but it was as if I did. Then if she said about school, Oh how is yer studies? and ye were telling her, ye saw her eyes, no even looking at ye, no even listening.
I could have said about the belt and showed her my wrists. No my grannie, I would never have showed them to my grannie. But I would have showed them to my Auntie May. She would have seen them, then what would she have thought? But maybe she would not have bothered. When I done my granda's wave to grannie she just looked at me.
My grannie said, Oh but May he has got him to a tee.
But Auntie May did not like me doing it. How no, if he was yer granda? Auntie May acted like he was only her dad, it did not matter if he was yer grandfather. My granda used to wear a bunnet and now she kept it in her wardrobe. I was glad when she was not there. My grannie said, Oh son she is just unhappy.
***
Up at the second last close on the delivery run an old man and woman came to stay on the ground floor. She had bad legs and could not climb the stairs. They flitted in from another scheme. They had an alsatian sentry dog and it guarded the front close. It was a real killer dog and everybody was feared. Mitch would no go near that close. He just would not. The dog sat by the steps and stared at ye or else laid down at the side garden. Ye thought it was sleeping then the nearer ye got ye saw these wee eye slits and it growled from the back of its throat, quite quiet, but rough too. If it had something stuck there, maybe, licking its coat. Granda's cats used to do that and had to cough, so then out it came, big lumps of stuff, all hairs and oose, out from the cats' throats. See if there is any money in there! That was what Uncle Billy said.
