When I Find You

by Emma Curtis

  ‘Only messing with you,’ he shouts. ‘Don’t you like me, lady?’

  This parry is greeted with hilarity by his friends and another abrupt bark from the dog. They are kids, I tell myself. All they are looking for is a reaction. After what happened, I refuse to be scared by bullies. They can’t touch me.

  I’ve run far enough and I’m strolling home, past the café, when someone calls my name. I don’t recognize either of the women sitting at an outside table, but I do recognize Phoebe’s baby Noah from his purple snowsuit and Caterpillar boots. I wander over to say hello and Phoebe introduces me to the heavily pregnant woman sitting with her as Harriet, her sister.

  ‘Come and sit with us,’ Phoebe says, patting the metal chair beside her. ‘Get yourself a cup of tea.’

  I pause, unsure, but both women are beaming at me and the baby reaches for my hand. I take his sticky fingers in mine and smile. ‘OK. Just for a minute.’

  Harriet is nice. She sits enfolded in an enormous wool coat, her gloved hands crossed over her bulge. More than a bulge, though. A hill. She has thick, mousy hair cut to her shoulders and keeps one side tucked behind her ear. We talk about when Phoebe used to work in films and TV as a make-up artist and find places where our paths might have crossed. Harriet is an accountant.

  ‘The sensible sister,’ Phoebe says.

  ‘Well you’re the pretty one,’ Harriet says with a satisfied smile.

  I look from one to the other. I can’t tell which of them is more attractive. They’re both open and friendly, and that’s all that matters.

  It’s sunny, but the chill creeps through my running gear. I cup my hands around my mug to warm them. I probably should go, but the sisters talk so much that it’s hard to find the moment to butt in. Then a little boy runs up to Harriet and tries to scramble on to her knee.

  ‘Careful, darling,’ she says. ‘Don’t squash the baby.’

  ‘Daddy got me a truck!’

  ‘That’s so cool, Liam,’ says Phoebe.

  I turn to see two men approaching. For a few seconds I can’t work out which is Elliot, both of them are wearing jeans and dark Puffa jackets. Then Noah stretches out his hands to one of them, and I settle.

  ‘Hey,’ Elliot says, taking the baby off Phoebe’s knee and kissing him on the head.

  ‘Hi.’

  Harriet’s husband has sat down beside his wife. I look round to see if there’s another chair free, realizing that I’ve pinched Elliot’s rightful place, but the ones outside are all taken. I expect him to see if he can find another, but he doesn’t, he just stands there as though he’s waiting for me to relinquish mine.

  I get the message and stand up.

  ‘Oh, don’t go yet,’ Phoebe says. ‘Stay for a few minutes. Gavin, this is my lovely upstairs neighbour, Laura.’

  I smile at Gavin, who nods at me. ‘Heard about you.’

  I dart a glance at Phoebe, but she shakes her head. ‘I haven’t told him any of your secrets. Just that it’s nice to have someone my age upstairs, not some grumpy old man complaining about Noah crying, like we had in the last place. You never complain.’

  ‘It doesn’t bother me.’

  It does a little, but only on weekend mornings when his six a.m. cries interrupt my dreams. I won’t mention it. The last thing I want to do is alienate them. Also, there is something about Elliot that makes me think he already isn’t hugely keen on me.

  Elliot puts his shopping bag down on the floor and takes the chair I’ve vacated with an unembarrassed thanks. It’s like I’ve pushed myself into his little world and he doesn’t want me there. But I haven’t. Phoebe insisted I join them.

  ‘I’m freezing anyway,’ I say.

  When I leave, I don’t look back. I don’t need to. I imagine Gavin and Elliot regaling the women with tales of their shopping trip, Liam showing off his new truck, Noah excitedly clutching at whatever anyone foolishly leaves near his outstretched hands, and Harriet and Phoebe picking up where they left off when I arrived. I know that they are happy in their closeness. Elliot obviously has a problem with me; maybe I’ve ignored him on Kentish High Street. Still, there was no need to make me feel about as welcome as a parent at a teen disco. The thought jogs a memory. Years ago, when Isabel was ten or eleven, she had a problem with this boy at school, who kept picking on her. Mum said, ‘That’s what boys do when they like you too much.’ I replay my few dealings with Elliot, wondering if he has a secret crush on me, but I decide it’s unlikely. I suspect he’s clocked that I don’t have friends round, thinks I’m weird and doesn’t want me latching on to his kind and caring wife. It wouldn’t be unreasonable.

  25

  Laura

  A TAXI PULLS over as I arrive at the office on Monday morning. I smile as Rebecca gets out.

  ‘Ready for the American trollop?’ I say, echoing David’s nickname for Paige, but really trying to forestall enquiries about my mental health. I take my helmet off and hook the strap over my wrist.

  Then another head appears out of the taxi’s dark interior, crowned with the same glossy dark hair. The first woman glares at me and I look from one to the other and little details start to jump out. The blood drains from my face as I realize my mistake.

  ‘Laura, right?’ Paige drawls.

  ‘Nice to have you back,’ Rebecca says with a frosty smile.

  I nod, trying to find the words to apologize, but Paige doesn’t want to hear them. How could I have been so stupid?

  Rebecca holds open the door just as someone comes running down the stairs. I let it close in my face and watch them through the glass. I realize it’s David when he leans in to kiss Paige on both cheeks and catches sight of me. His body language changes; like a cat raising its hairs, it becomes subtly hostile. It occurs to me that Rebecca, who I texted yesterday, might not have told him I would be in. He won’t like it. I’m a threat to him now. He replies to something Paige says and the corners of his mouth turn down in disgust and irritation, before he leads both women upstairs.

  When I skulk miserably into the office, everything feels unbearably bright and loud. From his desk, Finn lifts a hand in greeting, but everyone else is seemingly too busy to pay me any attention.

  I’m not blind or stupid. People are averting their gaze. I try not to ignore the stab of hurt. I have more important things to think about, like Eddie and me presenting our polished-up ideas to the client this morning. Finn will be joining us, outlining his plans for the all-important social media push, and the director and producer from Messenger Films will be in later to go over the wish list for the TV and cinema adverts. For me and Eddie and our creative partnership, this is a big deal. It could make our name in the industry. It will mean being head-hunted by rival agencies. My one anxiety is that I’ve been away too long and that, despite all the effort I’ve put in, in my absence things will have moved on.

  Eddie looks up as I walk in. I take off my coat and hang it over the back of my chair.

  ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘I’m back.’

  ‘About time,’ he jokes. But his tone is odd; too upbeat.

  ‘So, are we all set for the meeting?’ I won’t tell him what happened in the street just now. Least said, soonest mended. And how would I explain it anyway?

  ‘Laura …’

  I’m leaning over my chair, my hand on the mouse, clicking on my emails. ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘I don’t know how to say this.’

  I look up at him. ‘What?’

  ‘Jamie’s been working with me, you know, picking up the slack? David wants him at the meeting as well. He’ll be doing the presentation with me.’

  I roll my chair round and sit down with a thump. ‘What do you mean? I’ve sent over drawings. We don’t need Jamie.’

  ‘I’m sorry. We’ve used your ideas, and Jamie has tweaked them, but without you here, it’s made it easier having someone …’ His voice tails off as he runs his hands through his hair. He grimaces. ‘You don’t need to be in there at all. To be honest, it might be better if you’r
e not.’

  I give him a look, my eyebrows raised. ‘That’s how it is, is it?’

  ‘Laura …’

  ‘Don’t worry.’

  I should never have taken the time off; all it’s done is prove I’m dispensable and given Eddie and Jamie a chance to show how well they work together. With Jamie without a partner and me now perceived as the weak link, this could be the outcome everyone wants. It’s humiliating.

  Five minutes later, Eddie gets up, picks up his phone, puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. ‘Sorry.’

  The meeting starts without me, and there is nothing I can do except pretend I don’t care. And not one soul here is going to believe that.

  After the clients have gone, Agnes pops her head round our door and asks me to go and see David. I brace myself against a wave of anxiety, expecting him to shove the note in my face and demand answers. To my relief, Rebecca is there, sitting to one side, long legs crossed. I take a seat on the sofa, and immediately feel small and inadequate.

  ‘There’s no nice way of putting this,’ David says. ‘So, I’ll come straight to the point. Paige wants you off GZ. She’s not going to drop Gunner Munro, but only on condition we lose you.’

  ‘Lose me? Do you mean fire me?’

  ‘No. I mean you’re off the job.’

  ‘I am so sorry.’ I direct my apology to Rebecca. ‘I’d just got off my bike and I didn’t have my glasses on. It’s the hair. I mixed you up.’

  David knows I’m face-blind, but he can’t say it. He knows I’ve guessed it’s him. The awareness ties us together in a dangerous, toxic dance. He is watching me, wanting to know what my next step will be. It’s a wonder that Rebecca doesn’t sense the static between us.

  She sighs deeply, her bosom rising and falling under her cream silk shirt. ‘You bring a lot to this company, Laura, and I’m sorry this has happened. I stuck up for you, but Paige couldn’t have been clearer. They’ll go with someone else if we don’t do what she asks.’

  I am trying so hard to be professional, to separate what David did to me from what I need to do to function, but I’m failing. I’m letting the horror of it trip me up. My mouth dries as I realize that there is no way I can win. I can take revenge, but I cannot get back what I had.

  ‘We all make mistakes,’ Rebecca says, her voice softening. ‘But you’re going to have to take a back seat for a while. I’ve got something else in mind for you.’

  ‘A different campaign? But what about Eddie? We work together. He needs me.’

  Those last three words ring hollow. It’s been made patently obvious that he doesn’t.

  ‘He’ll have to do without you. You’ve done the groundwork, but I’m going to look at reshuffling.’

  ‘Reshuffling? Do you mean giving Jamie my job?’

  She pauses. ‘We haven’t discussed it yet.’ She blushes. She knows how unlikely that sounds. Her gaze shifts to David, and then back to me. ‘We’re launching the GZ campaign with an event in three weeks’ time. I want you to organize everything. I know it’s short notice, but you’re so good at that sort of thing.’

  I don’t comment but a thin stream of cold coils through my veins.

  ‘We can rely on you, can’t we?’ David says.

  ‘You’re demoting me?’

  ‘Not demoting. Putting you on the benches for a few weeks. Don’t take it personally, Laura. Surely it’s better than getting fired? Come on, sweetheart. I need you to do this for me. Nobody else would do it as well as you.’

  I glare at him. How can he speak to me like that? Call me sweetheart? Pretend he values me? Is he so certain I’m going that he can afford to beg me to stay?

  I shrug. ‘I’ll do it. But what about Paige?’

  ‘I mentioned it to her, and she had no objection. She sees it as a come-down for you.’

  I press my fingers against my forehead. ‘I bet she loves that.’

  ‘It’s that attitude that got you into trouble in the first place,’ David suddenly roars. ‘If you can’t respect our clients, maybe you need to think about whether this is the job for you.’

  I feel it like a blast from a volcano. To me it’s way over the top, as though he’s using this unhelpful situation to funnel his fury. Even Rebecca looks shocked. I’m glad he’s letting his anger show. It shifts the balance of power up a notch in my favour.

  ‘David …’ Rebecca says. ‘They can hear you in the next street.’

  ‘I don’t give a flying fuck who hears me.’

  She lifts her palms. ‘OK.’

  ‘I apologize,’ I say stiffly. ‘Is that everything?’

  ‘Put on a fantastic party, Laura,’ she says, as she begins to see me out, ‘and it’ll all be forgotten. You’ll be back behind your desk before you know it.’

  ‘I have to move out of my office?’ The words come out in a shriek. I am so horrified, I stammer. ‘But where am I going to go. I can’t …’

  ‘There’s a spare desk next to Graham. You’ll be fine there for a few weeks.’

  They don’t suggest Guy’s desk. That speaks for itself. I look down at the floor, then up at the two creative directors. My heart is racing. I am furious but powerless. I don’t think before I speak.

  ‘I’m giving notice as of today.’

  ‘Oh no,’ Rebecca says. ‘Please, Laura. Give yourself time to cool down. We don’t want that at all. Do we, David?’

  ‘Laura knows what’s best for her,’ he says. ‘She’ll make her own decision.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. She’s upset. Laura, don’t do anything hasty. Organize the party for me, and then decide whether you still want to go. But please, give it some thought.’

  I look straight at David Gunner, challenging him. A tiny muscle twitches at his temple. ‘I don’t need to think. Things have happened that have made my life impossible here, but this is the final straw.’ I take a deep breath and pull back from the brink. I have to be practical; I’ll need a reference from them. ‘Thank you for the opportunities you’ve given me. I’ll take on the party and go when it’s over.’

  Several heads turn as I leave the room, no doubt curious to know what I’ve done to incur David’s wrath. I glance back at his office. This is his fault, not mine. I don’t want to be the only one to suffer.

  I spend the afternoon moving out of the office I’ve shared with Eddie for three years. Eddie hugs me like I’m about to go on a trek across the Sahara, not moving fifteen feet away. He is furious but what can he do? He can’t wreck his career out of loyalty to me; he has his family to consider.

  26

  Rebecca

  FELICITY OPENS THE door, holding on to Pebbles’s collar as she yaps and dances on her hind legs.

  Rebecca embraces her. ‘Happy birthday, darling.’

  She holds out a small box, gift-wrapped in silver and tied with a pale pink ribbon.

  ‘Thanks, Becs.’ Felicity takes it and closes the door, shutting out the dismal morning. ‘Take off your coat and pour yourself a coffee. The taxi won’t be here for ten minutes and the boys are dying to see you.’

  On cue Spike and Buzz come thundering down the stairs, clamouring for attention. Buzz, the younger one, although she can’t remember how old either of them is – somewhere in that zone between six and eight, she reckons – is so like his father he makes her want to giggle.

  ‘What did you get?’ Buzz asks.

  ‘I don’t know yet. I haven’t opened it.’

  ‘Daddy gave Mummy jewlly,’ Spike says importantly, and Felicity holds out her hand to reveal an impressive-looking diamond-and-emerald ring.

  ‘How gorgeous.’

  Rebecca ignores a stab of displeasure, smiles above the boys’ heads and follows Felicity into the kitchen, the boys dragging on her hands.

  ‘All ready for your ladies day out?’ The nanny scrapes mashed banana from under Daisy’s bottom lip with the edge of a buttercup-yellow plastic spoon. Daisy twists her head away, staring at Rebecca and breaking into a wide, gummy grin. Rebecca grins bac
k.

  ‘David assumed I’d invite one of the other mums,’ Felicity says. ‘But you know what, I do too much of that already.’

  Rebecca nods, feeling twitchy. She doesn’t take days off, not even at the weekend unless she can’t get out of it. If she isn’t at Gunner Munro, she’s networking, if she isn’t networking she’s exercising and if she isn’t exercising she’s meditating. If she did take a day off, she wouldn’t choose to spend it with the woman she’s been lying to for years. The thought of the test of endurance ahead has been causing her agonies all week. Normally she avoids soul-searching, but things have been ramped up recently and it feels as though the pieces of string tying everything down are about to snap.

  Her phone pings, and she checks it, aware of Felicity pausing, hand on hip, eyebrows raised. Rebecca sighs and switches it on to silent.

  In the taxi on their way to the Sanctuary they talk about the children and about Felicity’s sister and David’s grandparents, and Rebecca endeavours to appear interested. Usually, there’s a crowd when they see each other, and hours can go by without Rebecca realizing they’ve barely spoken, at least not directly. Now she can’t think of anything to say. The fact is, she finds Felicity dull, her life shrunk to her family and her home. When they were living together, Felicity had been full of plans. She had talked about setting up her own interiors business, but she never got round to it. And then she had married David and had his children and that was that. Plans ‘temporarily’ on hold, and no sign of a career. She realizes how revoltingly judgemental that sounds. Everyone is entitled to their choices. And just how great have hers been?

  They are handed white waffle robes and their programme for the day, kicking off with a breakfast of fruit, yoghurt and mint tea.

  When they strip off for the sauna, Rebecca can’t resist a covert glance. It’s the first time in many years that she’s seen Felicity naked. Her stomach and breasts are soft and stretched, and there are scars, snail-like trails on the tops of her thighs, spiralling round her belly button and radiating from her nipples. It’s painfully easy to tell which woman has given birth and which has not. She has a feeling Felicity thinks she’s envious. She is, in a way, but also curious. If it happens to her, how will she cope with the damage to her beauty? How will David cope? Felicity doesn’t seem bothered about her scars, or if she is, she would dismiss it as vanity, with a content little smile. To her it’s a badge of sorts. God, Rebecca thinks, today is going to screw with her head.