Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  Fuck you both, Meredith thought to herself.

  “How’s Doug doing, Ben?” Ann asked.

  “Meredith could say more accurately than I. She knows Doug better.” Ann’s head swiveled expectantly to Meredith who wondered, How do you think he’s doing? Like crap.

  “As well as can be expected.” Duh.

  Cathy appeared suddenly and plopped down on Ben’s right. She said, “Hey Meredith. Thanks for coming.” Meredith nodded politely, realizing that her jaw was locked into a smile. “Are you holding your own around all these doctors?” Cathy leaned over Ben’s lap to make eye contact.

  “She’s fine.” Ben answered for her, bending forward for his coffee, thus forcing Cathy’s head up. “She sees doctors all day at work.” He turned to Meredith, smiling. “I bet the last thing you want to do is socialize with them in your free time.”

  “Oh, I think I can manage it,” she answered, more generously than she felt. She regarded the small cluster she was in. “What about you all? You work all day with doctors too. Don’t you get tired of talking shop? When I was in school, the last thing I wanted was to spend my free time with my classmates.”

  McCauly laughed. “I don’t know anyone but hospital people. It’s hard to break out of that circle.”

  Ann nodded in agreement. “That’s true. You move to New Mexico and start working seventy-hour weeks. How would you meet anyone?”

  Cathy agreed. “I went to undergraduate and medical school here,” she added. “So I have friends left over from when I had a life.”

  “And men!” Ann added. “Non-hospital men are especially hard to meet.”

  McCauly leaned into Ann and pretended to have a private conversation with her. “We should get Cathy to use her database of non-hospital people to set us up with some men.”

  “Big strapping men,” Ann added with a gleam in her eye.

  “Maybe I’d better go get us more shortbread,” Ben announced.

  “Please,” Ann told him. “Like this is something you haven’t heard before or wanted yourself.”

  Ben leaned back comfortably. “Yeah. I’ve been saying for years that I want to meet big, strapping men.”

  Cathy, Meredith suddenly noticed, was bright red. “I don’t know any good dating men. If I did, believe me, I wouldn’t be setting them up with you.”

  Ben rose abruptly and headed for the kitchen. As if on cue, everyone turned their eyes to Meredith. “So are you guys dating?” Cathy asked in a friendly but intense way.

  Meredith shrugged and nodded, afraid to trust her voice.

  Ann smiled. She seemed less wrapped up in her question. “How long?”

  She shrugged again. “A few weeks, I guess. About a month.”

  Ann nodded encouragingly. “He’s a sweetheart.”

  “Yes,” Meredith managed.

  Cathy was noticeably silent during the rest of the inquisition. Ben returned with biscotti for everyone. The topic turned to Lou Tartelo, the new chair of Family Practice.

  “How do you like him?” Ann wanted to know.

  “It’s hard to say,” Ben answered thoughtfully. “He hasn’t been around that long. I’m still waiting for him to spread his wings.”

  “He’s a strong advocate for the physicians, which is good,” Cathy remarked.

  Good for you, thought Meredith.

  Ben yawned. “God. I’m tired.” He turned to Meredith. “You ready to go?”

  She couldn’t hide her surprise. The gathering was going full-on, and they’d been there less than an hour. But she was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Sure,” she said.

  “I’ll get our coats,” Ben offered.

  Cathy stood. “I’ll show you were I put them.” McCauly wandered away and Meredith was left alone with Ann. When Ben and Cathy were out of sight, Ann leaned forward and said, “It was a real pleasure to meet you. I’ve been curious to see the person who’s making Ben so happy.”

  “I am?” Meredith asked, completely dumbfounded.

  “Oh my God. Yes. He’s been walking on clouds around the hospital.”

  Meredith smiled genuinely for the first time all night. “Thanks for telling me. It’s nice to hear.”

  Ann cocked her head. “You’ve got a great smile,” she said. “It lights up the room.”

  There was a line to the bathroom. Meredith was debating whether or not to wait when she heard Cathy talking in what appeared to be the coatroom.

  “Yes, I thought so too,” she was saying. “But apparently not, because here she is.”

  “I haven’t seen her yet,” said a voice Meredith didn’t recognize.

  “Well, you probably won’t. They’re leaving.”

  “So early?”

  “Yes,” Cathy’s voice was laced with disappointment.

  Meredith was leaning in, head cocked to hear the next response, when Ben appeared. “There you are. Are you in line?”

  Meredith nodded and causally guided him away from the line and coatroom before adding, “I was, but I can wait. Let’s go.”

  For the first time since Kevin had been hit by the car, Doug took official time off from work. The day after New Year’s, Meredith and other university employees strode blearily back to their offices, after days and days of wide open schedules and late morning risings. Meredith had a voice message from Doug. His voice sounded completely reasonable and he informed her that he’d be out for a week. How do we do that? she mused. Instead of being paralyzed by our grief and hysteria, our minds manage to push it aside and function.

  Kira appeared in the doorway at mid-morning. “Do you want to take a break?” Her face was drawn. Meredith instantly stood and said yes.

  They went to the espresso cart in the hospital, where a few tables were set up. Kira ordered a double espresso, Meredith, a single decaf.

  “What’s up?” Meredith asked casually.

  Kira’s face hardened, and she pretended to look out the window, but Meredith could see she was trying to collect herself. Finally, she inhaled deeply and let out a sigh. “I just realized. I don’t want to talk about me.” She smiled. “What’s up with you? How was New Year’s?”

  “Well, since Ben was on call again, I spent it alone and was in bed by ten.” Meredith knew Sarah would have been appalled. Kira was unphased.

  “You should have come over.”

  “You know I don’t like parties.”

  “I know. How’s Ben?”

  Meredith paused, debating whether or not to press Kira into talking about her own life. She chose not. “There are residents swarming around us,” she said softly. “So I’m going to speak in code.” She paused, thinking. “Cathy?” Kira nodded. “Is Imelda. And let’s call Ben, ah, Stuey.” Primary people disguised, she launched into the encounters she’d had with Cathy.

  Kira seemed to relax as she listened to Meredith talk. “Well, it’s obvious,” she replied, after hearing Meredith’s story. “Stuey and Imelda dated. He probably dumped her. And she’s not over him.”

  “So Stuey lied to me.”

  Kira shrugged. “You went beyond his level of comfort. He was going to tell you in his own time, but you jumped in before he was prepared to discuss it.” She leaned forward and patted Meredith’s hand. “You’re just that perceptive.”

  Meredith laughed, in spite of herself. “Why would he lie? If it was just his ex, why lie? Maybe they’re still dating and he’s two-timing her and me.”

  “When he’s not at the hospital, where is he?”

  “My house.”

  “Exactly. Sweetie, he doesn’t have time to two-time.”

  “Doesn’t he? He says he’s at the hospital. He could really be with her. And when I page him, he pretends to be at the hospital. And he pretends to her that he’s calling the hospital.” She finished and triumphantly slammed the rest of her decaf espresso.

  “Do you really believe that?”

  Meredith shrugged. “No. But it could be true. I can be very naive.”

  Kira sighed. “Then
you know what I think you should do? If you really believe that? Get ol’ Stu down here and confront him on it. Let him know what’s going on in your head.” She smiled. “A man should know what he’s up against.”

  Ben sat completely speechless in Meredith’s rocking chair. He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again. Opened it again. Shut it.

  Meredith vacillated between how she should look - hard and doubtful in case he was going to try to lie, or warm and understanding if her accusation was wrong. It occurred to her that he might dump her for even thinking he was a two-timer. He was getting very angry on the rocking chair. Screw him, she thought, irrationally. Let him dump me. Good riddance. But her heart seized at the possibility.

  Ben jumped up suddenly and walked across the room. Then he walked back down and sat in front of her. “I’m so angry, I can’t even figure out what to say to you,” he said in a calm voice. Meredith didn’t respond. He cleared his throat and continued. “I’m not involved with Cathy. I’ve never been involved. There was a time when she wanted to be more than friends. She doesn’t feel that anymore.” Meredith rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t,” he said. He stood again and paced, then sat down in front of her. “I don’t know what to say to you. I’m not dating Cathy or anyone else. Just you!” He was still angry. “Damn!” He sighed. “You know what? I’m just going to go.” He stood and turned to gather up his things into his knapsack. Meredith jumped up. Coming up behind him, she touched his back. She could feel him tense.

  “I’m sorry. I just got insecure.”

  He relaxed slightly, but his voice was still angry and sullen. “Cheating on you! Lying about Cathy!”

  She turned him around. His face was angry, but weakening. “I get insecure. I'm sorry.” She paused, remembering. “Besides, I heard Cathy talking about us at her party.”

  Ben shook his head. “We’ve discussed it. She isn’t interested in me anymore.”

  Meredith shook her head. “She’s just saying that to save face.”

  Ben shook his head. “No, you’re wrong.”

  Meredith decided not to argue. It was vexing, though, to see Ben act so cluelessly. Gingerly, she put her arms around his waist. “Are you okay?” He frowned, but leaned his body into hers slightly.

  “Not really,” he said.

  Meredith snuggled closer and went for Ben’s Achilles’ heel, his earlobe. She felt his body stiffen a second time. “Do you still want to go home?”

  In answer, his knapsack slid to the floor. He wrapped his arms around her and began to kiss her so fervently that she had trouble catching her breath. When he finally released her, she started to move toward the bedroom, but he pulled her down onto the rug in the living room. Their fight had aroused a particular kind of passion in Ben. He was so wild that Meredith was having trouble catching her breath. When she felt about to explode, Ben spoke. “Meredith, look at me.” She opened her eyes. She could feel his callused thumbs rubbing her cheeks. When he spoke, his voice was just a whisper. “Meredith, I love you.” His eyes were incredibly dark and deep and she felt like she was falling helplessly into them. She kissed him to escape his gaze, closing her eyes as they climaxed, more or less at the same time.

  Afterwards, they clung to each other until a chill made Meredith start to shiver. Silently, Ben picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. They feel asleep without words.

  Meredith dreamed again that she was standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff. She was grabbing for clumps of dirt and grass that were tumbling down into a deep, open space. Sarah was standing over her, saying, “You wear too much make-up. Lose the foundation. Just go with lipstick, blush, and mascara.” Meredith woke abruptly and realized that she was clutching Ben’s forearms in her hands. He unhooked her and smoothed her hands out. Stroking her hair, he pulled her into him and held her while she fell back to sleep.

  The next morning, Meredith awoke before the alarm. She lay in bed and composed a letter in her head:

  Dear Advice Columnist,

  I’ve just met a man who is possibly the love of my life. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. The problem is that even though I’m 29, I’m acting like a school girl and I think my immature behavior is going to drive him away. Please help.

  Hopeless in Albuquerque

  Dear Hopeless,

  I’m going to take a wild guess that you have not got a lot of dating experience. Lord knows what you were doing for all those years, but basically, this means you are up you-know-what creek with no paddle.

  See, the problem is that when you finally get a life at the age of 29, you make the same mistakes that a 16-year old would make, because you have about the same amount of dating experience.

  You either have to grow up fast or kiss your Prince Charming goodbye. To be frank, I can’t believe he’s stuck it out with you as long as he has!

  Sincerely,

  Advice Columnist

  Meredith studied Ben’s sleeping form. She could not believe how quickly their relationship had progressed. From first date to sleeping together to declarations of love. A declaration, she corrected herself. He had professed. She had not. She wondered how he felt about that. She would have been mortified to not have her feelings reciprocated. But then, that was probably why she had never told anyone she loved them. Except Eric, and that was different because she actually didn’t love him. Eric’s face flashed in front of her, the way he must have looked when he learned that she was gone. A pink rose in his lapel, comb marks in his hair, staring at their friends in disbelief. Disbelief that had rapidly turned to disgust, Meredith would wager. She knew, without a doubt, that had she told Eric she didn’t love him, he would have expected her to suck it up and marry him anyway. Because there were 300 people sitting on the other side of the wall, waiting. She shivered involuntarily and reminded herself that she was in New Mexico now, safe. And yet, here she was again, tangled up with another man who supposedly loved her when she couldn’t identify her own feelings for him at all. She slid out of bed and went to make coffee for Ben, tea for herself.

  She tried to fake it when Ben stumbled into the kitchen a few minutes later. But all her nervousness vanished next to his enthusiastic greeting. He spun her around in his arms and insisted on making her frozen waffles before they left for work. Meredith was acutely aware of a giant abyss between them that wouldn’t be bridged until she told him she loved him too. Ben was either ignoring it or didn’t care. Ignoring it, Meredith was sure.

  Kira stood in the doorway of Meredith’s office. “You doing okay, down there?”

  Meredith was on the floor doing push-ups. She rolled over and began doing sit-ups. “I’m releasing my anger in a non-violent way. Would it be wrong to quit my job just to get away from Corky Lubbock?”

  “Not wrong,” she began. “But, shall we say, less effective?” Kira leaned against the doorjamb. She looked tired. “Why let that nutcase win? You’re as smart as she is and you’ve got far better social skills.”

  “Do I? You haven’t seen her in action lately. She can pull off social skills when she needs to.” Meredith sat up, breathing hard. “She’s driving me out of my mind, with her rewrites and sloppiness…and then she waltzes into Lou’s office with her “aren’t we so mature” voice and acts like I’m the problem.”

  “Honey, she’s not fooling anyone. What you need is Doug back here to protect you.”

  Meredith felt bleak. “Compared to Doug’s life, Corky’s a walk in the park.” She sighed. “I’m sick of listening to myself complain about her.” She looked at Kira for the first time. “You wanna get lunch?”

  “Sure.”

  On the walk to the cafeteria, Meredith took a second look at Kira. “What’s the matter?”

  Kira laughed. “Do I look that bad?” Without waiting for an answer she shrugged and said, “It’s just, you know, men troubles.”

  “With Jeremy?”

  “Who else?”

  “Serious troubles?”

  “Um.” Kira’s brow furrowed. �
��Yeah. Sort of serious.”

  Meredith could sense Kira’s reluctance to let down her guard. She doesn’t completely trust me yet. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

  Kira shook her head, pressing her lips together. “Nope.”

  Meredith paused, not wanting to give up just yet. She hated to see Kira hold everything in so tightly. She made one last stab. “Well, you guys make a great couple. I know you’ll work it out.”

  Kira laughed. “I haven’t had sex in eight months.”

  “What? Why not?”

  Kira shrugged. “That’s the million dollar question,” she said. “Once in a while, I can wear him down.” She took a deep breath. “But other times, if I even step forward to give him a hug, he backs away from me like I’m pointing a gun.”

  “He’s afraid to hug you? Because it may lead to sex?”

  Kira shrugged. “Afraid or something else.”

  They had entered the cafeteria. The place was hopping. Meredith squeezed Kira’s arm. “It’s not you,” she said. “You have to know that.” She paused, searching for the best words. “You’re so beautiful. And funny. And very smart. Jeremy must be in some sort of emotional tailspin.” Tears started streaming down Kira’s cheeks. Meredith stared at the flood in confusion, then realized that despite Kira's tight control, she was actually sobbing. In an instant, Meredith had got a hold of Kira and was steering here out of the cafeteria, and through hospital hallways until they were outside in a small, empty courtyard. She sat Kira down at a picnic table bench and handed her the napkins she’d had the foresight to snatch up as they’d left.

  Kira sat on the bench, blowing her nose. Meredith sat next to her and patted her back. “Just get it out,” she suggested.

  Kira let out a couple of heaving sighs. She wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”