Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  “Someday you will feel a love so deep.”

  Kira shook her head.

  “And you’ll find someone, not lost in sleep.”

  Recognition came into Kira's face. “And you’ll be loved again,” she finished the verse.

  Tears began to roll down Meredith's face. Kira handed her some napkins and let her cry.

  With the bar opening date looming ahead, Meredith was painting every day. Rachel had cautioned her. “Don’t be discouraged when you create pieces that aren’t your best. Not every piece will be one you’ll want to keep. That’s okay. Think of each one as a stepping stone. Don’t stop, even when it gets hard.”

  Meredith had listened silently, nodding her head. Rachel was trying to help. She didn’t understand, and Meredith wasn’t about to tell her, that painting was all Meredith had left in her life. She would as soon stop breathing at this point as she would stop painting. Except for Sarah and Kira, she had nothing else that brought her joy. She hated going to work. Ben was gone. Her house was a virtual torture chamber, with memories of Ben lurking in every corner.

  “Why don’t you move?” Kira had asked when Meredith had shared some of this with her.

  “I like the South Valley.”

  “The South Valley’s okay. But think of how great it would be to live in, say, Corrales. And closer to work.

  Meredith shook her head.

  “You could own.” Kira was warming to her idea. “First-time home owners get all sorts of breaks. I’ll bet your mortgage payments are what you’re paying now in rent.”

  “I pay $350 a month for my house.”

  “Oh. Well. So it’ll be more. Is the South Valley really that cheap? But it’s not like you couldn’t afford a higher monthly rate. And you love Corrales.”

  “I do.”

  “So why do you look like I’m asking you to put itching powder in your bra?”

  Meredith laughed in spite of herself. “What if I move, and then Ben tries to contact me? How will he find me?”

  “Well, bless your heart. Do you think...I wonder. Would Ben know how to use a telephone book? Do they learn the alpha way of ordering in medical school?”

  Meredith was silent.

  “And you’ll have a recording, too. “The number blah blah blah is no longer in use. The new number is blah blah blah.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Still glum?”

  “Yeah,” Meredith said.

  “Sigh.”

  “What? You can’t just sigh anymore? You have to say ‘sigh’?”

  Kira smiled. “It’s the latest. I’m trying to keep you up to date.”

  “To say ‘sigh’ instead of actually doing it?” Meredith shook her head. “That seems very unsatisfying. I like the physicality of a sigh.”

  “God. You’re so in your thirties. It’s very sad.”

  Meredith laughed. “I’m twenty-nine, you bum!”

  Sarah had picked out an ankle length, dark purple skirt made of a heavy, rich material that Meredith couldn’t identify. The top was black velvet, with spaghetti straps.

  “This is like something the Monaco royalty would wear,” Meredith told her.

  “I know. Isn’t it great? But the best part is that it fits. No altering.”

  “Still don’t have the dress back?”

  Sarah shrugged. “Let’s just say that I fully expect them to be adding the last button as I walk down the aisle. I’ve never done so much hand holding in my life.”

  Meredith looked at herself in the mirror. “I love this outfit,” she told Sarah sincerely. She’d been prepared to lie, but the outfit made her look like a different person. Elegant and sophisticated. She felt beautiful. Like a John Singer Sargent painting.

  After changing, Meredith paid while Sarah examined the jewelry.

  “What other wedding errands have you got today?”

  “I need to stop by the office for a few minutes, then I’m interviewing a photographer. Do you want to come? You could help me evaluate his portfolio. Didn’t you take a lot of photography in college?”

  “A minor,” Meredith confirmed. She knew Sarah would decide what Sarah wanted, regardless of Meredith's opinion, but her day was open. She agreed. They were driving out of Albuquerque before Sarah remembered to tell her the photographer lived in Santa Fe. What if I see Ben? She wished she’d dressed up more. Washed her hair since Thursday. What does it matter? You’re not going to see him. But Santa Fe was small and he probably didn’t work on Saturdays.

  “...the only person I need to compromise with on the wedding is Victor. And he and I are so in line. We have almost the exact same taste, same vision of what we want. It’s like some sort of miracle. Sometimes I wonder if we aren’t brother and sister, separated at birth, the way we’re so alike.” Meredith opened her mouth and Sarah quickly added, “On some things. Not everything. But in terms of style, aesthetics, we’re like twins. It’s amazing.”

  “You look radiant,” Meredith told her. She pushed Ben out of her mind.

  Sarah couldn’t suppress a great big grin. “I am,” she confided. “I’m happier than I ever thought was possible. This love thing is so much more than I thought it would be. I thought the greatest day of my life was when I netted five million. Remember that? And the articles people wrote about me? Everyone was so jazzed up. I had everything I’d always wanted and yet nothing had changed in me at all. I kept feeling like, ‘Is this it?’ I guess I was expecting to walk around with a sunbeam over me. But now. With Victor. Talk about change. I wasn’t expecting anything big. But it turns out to be huge. It’s enormous and wonderful and it’s stuffed right inside of me.” She sighed. A happy, contented sigh.

  How unhip, Meredith thought with a smile.

  “I know it won’t last,” Sarah continued. “I know there’ll be times when I won’t be able to stand the smell of Victor.” She smiled again, a private smile. “But for now, I’m just relishing every moment of this symbiotic connection we’ve got.”

  Meredith looked ahead at the mountains they were driving toward. The sky was a pale, cerulean blue. The Sangre de Cristo mountain range was purple hued. The flat land rushing up to meet them was brown, red, orange, and green. Emotion swelled inside her. Life was beautiful. Even when it was very sad, it was full of hope. That’s why we keep living, she realized. Because there are millions of tiny things that can fill you with hope. You just have to be willing to acknowledge them.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Peter was standing in her doorway, hands in his pockets, leaning against the door jamb. “How was your weekend?” He asked. He was suntanned, which made his blue eyes arresting. Meredith wondered what he’d been doing outside to get so tan.

  “Fine. I went up to Santa Fe with Sarah to interview a photographer.”

  “Did he get the job?”

  Meredith shook her head. “He was four or five on a list of at least eight.”

  “That sounds like Sarah. How was Santa Fe?”

  “The usual,” Meredith said with a shrug. Her fear Saturday of seeing Ben had been replaced today with acute disappointment from not seeing him. “It was cooler, which was nice. It’s getting hot down here.”

  “Yes, I know. Hopefully Sarah's wedding day won’t be a scorcher, what with it being outside and all.”

  “It’s at night,” Meredith said. “That should help.” She hadn’t really thought about it, but of course he and David were invited. She shrugged inwardly. She’d just say that Ben was on call. There was no one there who really knew him anyway. Or, instead of lying, when Peter asked where Ben was, she could say, “What do you think?” He’d fill in the gaps and assume Ben was working. What she’d really like right now was for Peter to get out of her doorway so she could get back to work.

  “How’s Charlene working out?”

  Meredith looked up from her thoughts. “Who?”

  Peter stepped into her office and sat down. Great, Meredith thought.

  “Charlene.”

  Meredith was still drawi
ng a blank.

  “Moved here from Austin. Works down the hall.”

  Meredith knew that whatever or whomever he was talking about was just an excuse to venture deeper into her office. She didn’t give him any encouragement with her face.

  “Our second programmer,” he finally said.

  “Oh, Charlene.”

  “Do you ever talk to her?”

  Meredith resented his prying. “Look at my desk, Peter. Do you see all this work? I could sit here eighteen hours a day and still not get it all done. The last thing I have on my mind is getting to know my fellow workers.”

  Peter was silent for a moment. He looked at his watch, then leaned across her desk to pick up the phone. He dialed an outside line.

  “Hi Lisa. Peter Arner. Fine. How are you? How’s business?” He laughed. “Great. Good to know. Listen...yes. Two.” He listened again and laughed again. “No, not today. But I’m going to hold you to that. And soon!”

  Meredith sat back, feeling deflated. She wondered if he was trying to make her jealous. Lisa. Whatever, she decided.

  “Thanks, Lisa. Ciao.” Peter reached across her desk again and depressed the hang-up button. Then he dialed his secretary’s extension. “It’s me. Can you connect me with Charlene’s office? Thanks.” He eyed Meredith with one eyebrow raised until Charlene picked up. “Peter here, Charlene. Could you please stop whatever you’re doing and meet me in Meredith Love’s office?” He listened for a minute. “Just leave them. You can pick up where you left off later.” Charlene kept talking. Meredith could hear her voice through the phone. “Tell them I want you in Meredith Love’s office in the next thirty seconds and that I won’t take no for an answer.” He hung up in the middle of her reply. Then he leaned back in his chair with his fingers locked behind his head. He looked like the cat who swallowed the canary. Meredith waited for an explanation, but he just sat, watching her and smiling.

  Charlene showed up at the door about a minute later. She looked angry and worried. Peter ushered her in like it was his office. “Charlene, you know our other programmer, Meredith Love.”

  Meredith and Charlene nodded to each other.

  “You’re having lunch with each other today. You’ve got reservations at The Sage in town in thirty minutes. They have a leisurely lunch there. They don’t rush you in and out. The bill’s going on my account. I know you’re both extremely busy, but there is more to this job than work. There is the sharing of ideas, the support of professionals. We can’t pay you what we want, so the least we can do is encourage professional development. There’s a lot each of you can learn from the other. Go find out what over lunch. Don’t come back for at least two hours.”

  Charlene looked at her watch. “I’ve got a meeting at 1:00.”

  “Considered it rescheduled,” Peter told her. He turned to go. “I’ll be watching the clock. Do not come back here till at least 2:30.”

  Charlene drove to the restaurant, which was nestled into a strip mall. Despite the location, the interior was tastefully done. They were greeted by Lisa, a lithe blond who went out of her way to make sure they were settled and content.

  Charlene whistled at the prices. “Glad Peter's paying. And this is just lunch.”

  Meredith nodded, wondering what in the world they would talk about for two hours. “So. You’re from Austin?”

  Charlene nodded. “Yes.”

  “I’ve heard that’s a great city.”

  “It is. Great music scene, great theaters. Lots of young people. I miss it.”

  “What brought you to Albuquerque?” The waitress brought them a basket of steaming rolls.

  “The job,” said Charlene. “It’s hard to find work in Austin. The market’s pretty saturated. Are you from here?”

  “No. New York.”

  Charlene raised her eyebrows, impressed. Meredith wondered why New York had that effect on people. Everyone claimed to hate it, but they were usually awed in spite of the disdain they paraded around.

  “Well,” said Charlene, recovering quickly from her veneration, “since you’re not from here, do you mind if I bash?”

  “Please,” Meredith told her, not really understanding what she meant.

  “First of all,” began Charlene, settling into her seat, “we’re in a ridiculously expensive restaurant, and it’s in a strip mall.”

  Oh, bash Albuquerque, Meredith realized.

  “There’s dirt everywhere instead of grass. The town is full of hicks, and all anyone ever wants to do is go mountain biking.”

  Meredith was surprised at how much her feelings were hurt by Charlene’s speech. She made an effort to not sound defensive. “It’s got nice things, too.”

  “Such as?”

  “I love being able to look up and see the mountains no matter where I am in town.”

  Charlene didn’t look convinced.

  “Albuquerque is ugly,” Meredith conceded. “But the surrounding landscape takes my breath away. I don’t mountain bike,” she clarified, “but I do love being twenty minutes away from a hike in the Sandias.”

  “Oh. I see. You’re one of them now.”

  “What?”

  “One of the outsiders who’s been,” she used her fingers to make air quotes, “enchanted by New Mexico.”

  “The Land of Enchantment,” Meredith said.

  “Everyone’s so smugly sure that I’ll fall for this place. I will never be enchanted. And I will never like green chile.”

  “Don’t they eat green chile in Texas?”

  Charlene looked sheepish. “Uh. Yeah. Okay.” She leaned in. “The truth is, that I do eat green chile. I was raised on it, for goodness sake!” She rolled her eyes expressively and Meredith had to laugh. “But I get so sick and tired of hearing people go on and on about it here. Like they invented it! So I tell people that I hate it, just to irritate them.”

  “You’re not going to last very long here.”

  “No, I imagine I won’t. Plus, this job. I mean, I like the people and all but the work load is...” she stopped. “Actually, it’s a great job. I’m just a complainer. It’s the perfect job to have right out of school. I’m learning so much. And Dave and Peter are just great bosses. I mean,” she gestured at their table, “how nice is this?”

  Meredith noticed that Charlene had stopped making eye contact. “I hate the hours,” she told Charlene. “I liked the job at first, but now I work so much that it’s taken over my life. The only good things are the window in my office and the money, which, despite Peter's song and dance about low salaries, is a lot more than I was making at the University.”

  “Really?” Charlene looked shocked. “You hate this job? What about Peter?”

  “What about him?”

  “You guys.” Charlene blushed. “You’re such...good...friends,” she stammered.

  A-ha, Meredith thought, but she played along. “I barely know Peter,” she told Charlene, eyes wide and innocent. “He’s been a good boss,” she conceded, because truthfully, he had been. In most ways.

  Charlene was silent, digesting this information.

  “Why did you think we were great friends?” Meredith decided to take the offensive.

  “Oh, I don’t know.” Charlene seemed to be doing some internal wrestling. Their food arrived and both began to eat.

  Meredith glanced discreetly at her watch. She sighed. One and a half hours left. She didn’t know how they were going to get through all that time. She brainstormed topics. Movies, books, course work? She was sick of talking about work.

  Charlene was not. After they’d eaten in silence for a few minutes, Charlene announced, “Meredith, I’m not sure I should be telling you this, but I think you have the right to know. Everyone at work thinks you and Peter are an item.”

  Meredith paused in her chewing.

  “Including David.”

  Was any of this really a surprise? No. Of course not. Still, David. She started chewing again and swallowed. “That’s ridiculous,” she told Charlene. David has met my
boyfriend.” Ex.

  “You have a boyfriend?”

  Meredith shrugged. “Sort of. We’re working through some issues right now. But that’s very recent. He was at the party.”

  “He was?”

  “Yes. He’s a resident. “Or, was. Now he’s just a regular doctor. He finished his residency last month.”

  Charlene shook her head. “Office gossip can be so malicious and inaccurate. I wonder who started those rumors?”

  Meredith could guess, but said nothing.

  “I bet it was that Jeff,” Charlene said.

  Hmmm. That was possible, Meredith thought. To Charlene she said, “Now you’re speculating without the facts too.”

  “You’re right.” Charlene looked appalled. “God. How can you be so calm and fair, Meredith? You’re the one they’re talking about.”

  Meredith shrugged. “There’re so many things in life that are unimportant. I don’t even know these people. What do I care if they talk about me?” As she spoke the words, she realized that she meant them. She also admitted that the office talk hadn’t been completely unjustified. In her heart of hearts, she knew that on some level she’d enjoyed Peter's infatuation, especially when Ben was around to act as a buffer. Peter had been a head trip for her. She didn’t think she’d given Peter mixed signals, but maybe she had. She sighed. And peered at her watch. Still more than an hour left. Well if I led Peter on, I’m paying for it, in spades.

  Back at the office, she had another revelation. At the wedding, Peter would see that Ben wasn’t with her, and Meredith knew now that she was not going to be able to fake her way through more lies. Time to pull your head out of the sand and face the truth of your life, she told herself. Ben is gone. Life goes on.

  Peter stuck his head into her office as she was getting ready to sneak out early. She glanced guiltily at the clock. It was five o’clock. She remembered a time when sneaking out of work early meant leaving at four.

  “How was lunch?”

  “Why did you do that?” Meredith asked. She was going to be direct from now on.