Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  “I do,” Meredith said.

  “I didn’t exactly want to get into this right away.” He continued to look at the mountains as they walked. “Right after you and I broke up, Ann and I spent a lot of time together. I guess we both were terribly lonely and wanting to rekindle something we never really had.” He sighed. “It didn’t work, of course. We’d already tried dating and it doesn’t work on us. But we both had the same agenda, which included denial, so we tried again, and failed. We weren’t either of us too broken up about it. It’s hard to grieve losing something you never really had. I haven’t seen her since.”

  They walked another sixty yards, then Meredith said, “I tried the same thing with Peter. But one kiss was all it took for me to realize how wrong it all was.”

  Ben was quiet for a few minutes. Then he reached out and took her hand as they walked. “I guess I’ve got no right to act jealous.” He turned to look at her. “Is your job in jeopardy?”

  “No. He actually turned out to be a nice guy. Just not the guy for me.”

  “I’m glad it didn’t go anywhere. When I was driving from the airport, I had this intense fear that you’d moved on. Gotten married or something irreversible. But when I saw you, I knew it was all ok. I knew it the moment I saw you again, even though there was a man at your door with wine and wine glasses.” She squeezed his hand. “And I was going to kick that guy’s ass, if that’s what it took,” he added, “to win you back.”

  Meredith smiled as she stared at the horizon ahead of them. Then she stopped and wrapped her arms around Ben’s neck. “I love you,” she said. He smiled and kissed her. Saying those three words felt like the easiest thing in the world.

  “Where’d all these paintings come from?” Ben asked after breakfast. Meredith glanced up at him from the kitchen table, where she’d been lingering with her coffee and the paper. He was standing in the doorway that led to the living room.

  “Huh?”

  “The paintings you’ve got all over the house.”

  “They’re mine.” It took Meredith a minute to remember that most of her serious painting began after they’d broken up.

  “You painted all of these? When? Since I last saw you?”

  “Yes. In fact, I had an exhibit of my work at O’Neill’s Pub. Two months ago.”

  Ben didn’t say anything. He just turned around and headed back from where he’d come. Meredith sat still and listened.

  “You painted all of these since we broke up?” His voice echoed through the rooms.

  She got up and joined him in the living room. “Yes.”

  “Where did all this come from?”

  “You were running. I was painting.” She sat down in her rocking chair. “Mike was at the show. Didn’t he tell you?”

  “Pederson?” He shook his head. “He knew I didn’t want to talk about you.” Ben came over and sat down on the ground next to the rocker. He rested a hand on her knee. “Thank you for my stethoscope.”

  Meredith laughed. “I’d forgotten all about that.” Ben reached up and pulled Meredith down onto his lap. Gently, he kissed her forehead, then pushed her hair back away from her face. “I have never seen a face as beautiful as yours, Meredith Love.” He kissed her nose. “I was wretched without you,” he whispered. “I feel like a new man.” He kissed her for a few minutes, then slipped his hands up under her pajama top and slid it off. They slid onto the floor and she straddled him and kissed his mouth. The sunlight moved slowly across the room.

  Ben left for Santa Fe early the next morning. It was still dark when the alarm went off. They had coffee in silence. At the door, he leaned in to kiss her goodbye. “I don’t want to leave,” he told her finally.

  “Then stay,” she whispered, her lips touching his.

  He slipped out of his suit coat.

  “Whoa! Wait!” Meredith said, laughing as she backed out of his arms.

  “What?” Ben looked like a little boy who’d just dropped his ice cream cone on the sidewalk. “You said I could stay.”

  “I didn’t mean it!”

  Ben gathered her into his arms. “I’ll just be late.”

  “No.” Meredith tried to twist away but he locked his arms around her and backed her up against the wall.

  “Yes,” he said, kissing her softly on the lips and face.

  “You can’t be late for work, Ben. You’ve got to go.” She managed to wring her arm free for a view of her watch. “If you don’t leave right now, right this instant, you won’t make it on time.”

  He buried his head in her chest, still kissing. She stirred slightly and caught her breath. “Do you still want me to go?” he asked in between kisses.

  “Yes. Now or you’ll be late.”

  With a resigned sigh, he lifted his head to look at her. “Quite the romantic,” he remarked.

  “Just being responsible for both of us.”

  Ben laughed. “That’s why I like you so much.” He gave her a peck on the lips. “Good-bye my little stick-in-the-mud.” Meredith laughed and shoved him out the door.

  “Go!” she yelled. “Just remember what you’re leaving behind.”

  Ben bowed and turned toward his car. As soon as he’d pulled away, Meredith went inside and picked up the phone. “Sarah? It’s Meredith. Guess what!”

  “Yeah, I figured that would happen,” Kira said when Meredith called to tell her about Ben.

  “You did?”

  “Sure. You had a great relationship. And you were both so heartbroken when it ended. And both you and Ben analyze your feelings, instead of stowing then away and letting them spill out later to destroy your life and the lives around you. But hey, I’ve got news of my own.”

  “Really? I’m all ears.”

  “Jeremy’s getting the surgery.”

  “You’re kidding!”

  “No!”

  “How do you feel?” Meredith asked.

  “Happier than I ever imagined I would. I didn’t realize till he told me what I burden I’d been carrying. It just fell off, like this big suit of armor. I feel amazing. I feel so grateful.”

  “Thank God.” Meredith turned away from the window. Mendra was sitting on the kitchen table, watching her. Meredith picked her up and gave her a hug. Mendra meowed and leapt from Meredith’s arms. “When’s the surgery scheduled?” she asked Kira.

  “I don’t know yet. Probably next week.”

  “Next week,” Meredith echoed. “They sure move fast. Say, speaking of which, do you and Jeremy want to have dinner with us on Wednesday?”

  “Sure. Or maybe me and Mike.” Meredith took a deep breath.

  “How’s Mike?” she asked.

  “Mike is good,” Kira said.

  “Does Jeremy know about him?”

  “No. I haven’t lied, but I haven’t been very up front, either. It’s none of his business. Plus, he doesn’t need to know everything about me. He’s got enough on his mind. Listen,” her voice dropped, “Lou is pacing outside my office. He must need something. Call me later and tell me where we’re going to eat, okay?”

  “Okay. Give Lou my regards.”

  Meredith had decided on the pub where her paintings had hung. She’d become attached to the menu during the month her show had been up.

  Kira walked into the restaurant with Jeremy. “Wow,” Meredith said to Ben under her breath. “I wasn’t expecting Jeremy.”

  They sat down amid hellos and reintroductions. The cancer seemed to loom over them like a rain cloud, ready to burst. Meredith knew she’d die before she’d acknowledge it. “Cold enough for you?” she asked. They all agreed and spent the time before the waitress arrived discussing the unseasonably chilly weather.

  When they had their drinks, Kira said, “Meredith, this may brighten your day. Corky broke her nose.”

  “Did she? How?”

  “A patient accidentally hit her with his elbow.”

  “Ouch.” Ben said.

  “Accidentally?” Meredith asked.

  “You should see her,
” Kira laughed. “Her eyes are black and blue and she’s got this white thing over her nose that looks like a beak.”

  “And that, my friends, is called karma,” Meredith announced, smiling.

  “Jeez,” Jeremy said. “Show a little mercy.”

  “She got Meredith fired!”

  Jeremy turned to Meredith. “Sorry. How’s the new job?”

  “Great.” Meredith.

  “Private industry?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So you’re making more money.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Sounds like Corky did you a favor. You should be thanking her instead of relishing her pain.”

  “Hmmm,” Kira said. “That’s not a bad idea. Why don’t you send her a thank you card?”

  “Dear Corky,” Meredith began. “Thank you so much for firing me. Since I left UNM, I’ve doubled my office size and upgraded to a window. My co-workers know how to plan ahead instead of waiting till the last second and coming to me in a crisis.”

  “They don’t rifle through my desk when I’m home sick,” Kira added.

  “And when they schedule a seven a.m. meeting, they show up at seven instead of 7:45.”

  “Yours truly,” Kira finished. “Meredith Kiss-My-Butt Love.”

  “Amen!”

  Ben said, “I’m sure she’d appreciate your input.”

  “I just may send it,” Meredith paused. “I was planning on writing a book about her, Ten Reasons Your Secretary Hates You And What You Can Do About It. But maybe I’ll take the high road instead.” She picked up her wineglass. “No point in being vindictive. It’s enough that her nose is broken. Let’s have a toast. To Corky’s nose.”

  Peter knocked on her office door. “How’s the house?”

  Meredith looked up from her desk. Monday mornings were always difficult because they were busy and she never felt like she was functioning at full throttle. “It’s fabulous. It’s scary. I feel like I’m a grown-up now.”

  Peter smiled. “Yeah? Try owning your own company.” He sat down. “And your neighbors? Are they nice?”

  “Oh yeah. They all hurried over to tell me that the second to last owner committed suicide in the house.”

  “Ouch.”

  “But luckily, a sage woman came and cleansed it for me.”

  “Probably casing it for burglary.”

  “No doubt.” Meredith smiled.

  “And painting?”

  “Going fine,” she said.

  Peter cracked his neck. Here comes the real reason he walked into my office, Meredith thought.

  “How’s happy hour coming?”

  “What?”

  “Did you forget that you agreed to organize happy hour?” He looked incredulous.

  “Of course not.” She patted a drawer on her desk. “Got a file on it right here. It takes time to poll people, Peter.”

  “Why didn’t you just email everyone on a distribution list?”

  “Because I wanted to meet them in person.”

  “Really?” Peter looked unsure as to whether or not to believe her.

  “Yes. In fact, since you’re in my office, what’s your favorite happy hour beverage?”

  “I guess I like Red Sail.”

  “Got it.” Meredith scribbled some notes on a folder without taking it out of her drawer. “Peter. Red Sail. Okay. Well, thanks.”

  Her performance pushed him off the fence. “Great, Meredith. Sorry I doubted you.”

  “I was thinking of having the first one this Friday,” Meredith decided to continue her farce right up until he was out of her office.

  “Good work, Meredith.”

  When he’d left the office, she pulled out a file, emptied its contents and added some blank paper. Not bothering with a straight edge, she drew a grid with slots for beer and wine. She decided to add Peter's choice after she already had a good list going. As a finishing touch, she wrote “Happy Hour” on the label, put her work aside, and headed out into the fold.

  Charlene was at her desk.

  “What’s your favorite happy hour drink?”

  “Bourbon straight up.” Meredith added “hard liquor” to her grid and moved on. She had a lot to do in a little amount of time.

  “Aren’t you the artist?” A pixie looking woman in a cubicle answered Meredith’s question with one of her own.

  “I guess so,” Meredith said. “If you mean the art show at the bar in town. Were you there? I’m sorry, I don’t recognize you.”

  “Nah. I couldn’t come to the opening. But I went later, with Marie.” She gestured vaguely at the cubbies behind her. “You’re really good.”

  “Well, thank you. That’s nice to hear.”

  “I especially liked the one of the woman with the four seasons.”

  “Did you? That’s one of my favorites too. No one else even commented on it.”

  “Oh yeah. It was great. I thought that the four sections in the background were like four parts of her life.”

  Meredith sat down in a chair. “Holy cow. You know, you’re right. The summer, on the top left, was my childhood, and then fall was my ex-boyfriend, the winter is the breakup, and the spring is my life today, in New Mexico. I never put that together before. I thought I was painting the seasons. But it’s my life.”

  “It’s a fabulous painting. You moved me.”

  “Thank you. I’m sorry. What’s your name again?”

  “Jessie.”

  “Thank you Jessie. You just made my day.”

  Kira had agreed to help Meredith alphabetize her books. They sat in the living room with a bottle of wine and a pizza.

  “So you’re taking Jeremy to the hospital?”

  “Yeah. I’m picking him up at his house at 5:15 in the morning. It’s not a long procedure, but I took the day off.”

  “How long will the surgery take?”

  “Only 2 hours. Then he’ll be in recovery for a few hours. He should be able to go home in the afternoon.”

  “Will he come back to your house?”

  “No. His. But I’ll only be a phone call away. It’s really not major surgery. The doctor said it’s like a tonsillectomy. The real work is going to be the chemotherapy that comes later.”

  “Do you need some moral support in the waiting room?”

  “Nah. I think I’ll be okay.

  “I could swing by on my way to work,” Meredith offered.

  “From Corrales? Thanks, but I’ve got it covered. Got a novel and a trashy magazine. And Mike will be there.”

  “In the waiting room?”

  “No,” she said. “I just mean that he’ll be around the hospital if I need him.”

  “So he knows that Jeremy is back in your life.”

  “Yes. We had a little relationship talk.”

  “And?”

  “We both agreed that we’re monogamously but casually involved with one eye toward the possibility of a future serious commitment.”

  “Whoa. That’s quite a mouthful.”

  “What can I say? I’m not sure it’s a good idea to go from a divorce to a serious relationship with someone who works 80 to 120 hours a week. We’d both be kidding ourselves if we tried for something more at this point.”

  “Does Jeremy know about Mike?”

  “Jeremy doesn’t need to know. He knows we’re divorced. He knows I’m dating other men. He’s got other things on his mind anyway. What I’m doing for him, I’m doing as a friend. I’ll be there for him, during his chemo. I’ll hold his head while he pukes in the toilet and I’ll wipe his face and help him back to bed. It’s no less than he’d do for me. But I’m doing it because of our long history together. Our friendship. Nothing more.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Pretty sure. Yes. I was confused for awhile, but now I think I’ve got it sorted out.”

  “You sound like it,” Meredith said. “Kira, you’ve been through more in the past few years than some people experience in fifty years. I admire how well you’ve handled everyt
hing.”

  “Yeah? Well, thanks. I hope I’ve got it together. At least a little. And how are you? How’s things with Ben?”

  “Oh, fine. But I don’t want to talk about me. You have a big day tomorrow. Are you sure you don’t want me to come by the hospital?”

  “I’m sure. It’s enough to know that you would, if I’d needed you to come. So how’s Ben?”

  Meredith smiled. “Everything’s fine with Ben. We’re getting back to normal. He’s looking for a job in town. Do you want to come over for dinner with us on Saturday? And bring whomever?”

  “Thanks. I’d love it.”

  They continued to sort books.

  “You’d like Mike if you got to know him.”

  “I’m sure I would. Plus, you like him, and Ben does too. That’s good enough for me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “This is my favorite mountain peak,” Meredith said. They were on a tiny peak in the Sandias. “I love the hike up here, and the view at the top. I sit up here and I feel at peace with the world.”

  Ben smiled. “That’s how I feel when I look at you.’

  Meredith shook her head. “Back before I met you, I didn’t have the greatest life. I thought it was fine, but in retrospect, I don’t think I was very happy. The only thing was, I hiked every week in these mountains. I’ve been on all the trails, and this one is my favorite. I’d come up here, maybe not having spoken to a single person for the entire weekend, and my emptiness would go away. I’d feel like the mountain was inside of me and my loneliness would ease a little.” She took his hand. “Since you came into my life, my heart feels full of this mountain, even when I’m not up here.”

  Ben smiled at her and touched her cheek. “Before I met you,” he said, “my goals in life were to be a good doctor, to know as much as I could about medicine and to treat my patients with respect. That was all I cared about. You made me see a life outside of that world. You made me want to be a loyal friend and a better man.” He took her hand. “I realized, I mean, I didn’t realize…” he paused, and shook his head. “I didn’t realize how empty my world was until you filled it up. You’ve taught me so much. I want to go on, knowing you and loving you and learning from you. Meredith Love,” he looked up at her with a cock-eyed smile that she thought was from nerves, “will you marry me?” Then he dropped to one knee.