Love Always, Damian

by D. Nichole King

  I’m getting irritated, and I’m pretty sure that’s why Ellie wanted to go out for breakfast. She figures I’m less likely to blow up here, though I’m close to the edge.

  “I thought you were taking birth control, Elle. How’d this happen?”

  “It’s not fool-proof, Damian. And with everything going on with my parents and planning out the details of my transfer, I had a lot on my mind. I guess I wasn’t consistent in taking them. Plus, since we weren’t, you know…well, I didn’t think I needed them anymore.”

  Inhale. Exhale.

  My eyes dart around the room as I work to rein in my anger. I realize she had other shit to deal with, but why the hell didn’t she say anything before she let me fuck her? She knows I keep a stash of condoms in my room.

  “Dammit, Ellie,” I say, my focus landing back on her. “What did you think would happen?”

  “I don’t know, Damian. I…the idea of getting pregnant never crossed my mind.”

  “That’s all you got? It didn’t cross your mind.”

  She bows her head before her eyes lock on me again. “What do you want me to say?”

  Not good enough.

  “And then what? After you left, you were too busy living it up in Florida, you just forgot to tell me you had my child?” Hell yeah, I’m pissed. This isn’t something you fucking hide for four years.

  Color drains from Ellie’s face. She sucks her lips between her teeth while she averts her gaze, and one of her biggest tells spawns the realization—her nostrils flare. And I get it.

  “You never intended to tell me, did you?” I say.

  Her pale blue irises flick up to me, and the regret I see in them does nothing for me. “I started a new life, Damian. One with no connections to this place. When I found out I was pregnant with Lia, the last thing I wanted was to drag her into my past. And you…” She pauses. “You were going through enough.”

  “Shit, Ellie.” My appetite is gone. I cover my eyes with a hand and squeeze. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? And why is she laying this on me now? I drop my hand. “So, what do you want? Child support?”

  She’s quick to answer. “No, Damian. Nothing. I don’t want anything from you.”

  “Then why are you telling me now, after all this time?”

  She shakes her head in fast, small movements. “I had no intention of telling you. You found the picture, remember?”

  “Well damn. I feel so much better now.” My voice is raising, and it’s caught the attention of some people at the counter.

  Ellie sees them too. “Can we go back to your place and talk about this?” she suggests quietly.

  I pull a twenty from my wallet and toss it on the table next to our untouched food. Without a word to Ellie, I slip the picture of Lia in my back pocket and slide out of the booth. Heading out the door, my head is spinning. This was definitely not the bomb I thought Ellie would drop.

  This one is nuclear.

  I get in my car and Ellie joins me two seconds later. She doesn’t say anything to me on the short trip to my house, and it’s a relief because I need to think.

  I have a kid—a daughter. I don’t know anything about kids. I mean, other than Brennan, the little boy with cancer who befriended Kate at the hospital, I have no experience with them. And Lia’s like, a toddler. Basically a baby, right?

  What do you do with one of those?

  Ellie didn’t want me to know about her, so does Lia even know about me? What does she think when Ellie takes her to the park where other kids’ daddies are pushing them on the swing? Or…

  Fuck.

  Maybe my little girl does have a father in her life in the form of Ellie’s boyfriend. I can’t help glancing over to Ellie’s fingers in search of a ring. There isn’t one. Even so, the thought of some guy being with Lia when I didn’t even know she existed shoots a fresh stab of anger into my chest. How could Ellie have kept her from me?

  Then again, what would I have done had I known?

  I don’t have an answer for that. In fact, I’m so fucking out of answers that I’m desperate for a drink to clear my mind.

  Talk about messed up.

  In the garage, I park my car, but I don’t make a move to get out. Beside me, I can hear Ellie’s soft breaths, and like me, she’s not reaching for the door. I focus through the windshield at the empty wall in front of me.

  I squeeze the steering wheel, holding my breath until my lungs are on fire. I’m trying so fucking hard to hold it together right now.

  I shake my head and throw the door open. Get out then slam it shut. I don’t give a rat’s ass what Ellie thinks, I’m pouring myself a drink. Or two.

  Hell, this calls for a whole bottle of something strong.

  I grab one of those small juice glasses from the cupboard Dylan pours his OJ into each morning, toss in a couple of ice cubes, and top it off with Captain Morgan. The liquid goes down easy, but I’ll need a hell of a lot more to work through this “I’m a father” thing.

  I lean against the counter, the glass in front of me, when I hear Ellie enter the kitchen. I’m on my second glass of rum now, and I still don’t have a fucking clue what to say to her.

  “Alcohol doesn’t solve all the problems of the world, Damian,” Ellie says from behind me.

  “No, but it helps deal with them.”

  Ellie’s beside me now, giving me one of the too-wise onceovers she learned from my brother. “It only gives you something to hide behind.”

  I chuckle at her little philosophy lesson. She should talk. “Like hiding the fact that I have a kid so you wouldn’t have to deal with it?” I rattle the ice in the glass and shoot her a wink. “Sounds the same to me.”

  I go to take another drink, but Ellie swipes the rum away from me. “What the fuck, Elle?” I say, stunned that she had the gall.

  Her eyes burn into me. I’ve seen her like this before, but I’ve never been on the receiving end of it. “You want to know why I didn’t tell you?” She dumps the alcohol down the drain. “This is why. You’d rather wallow in your self-pity and pain than let anyone in.”

  Oh, I don’t think so.

  I’m pissed as fuck now. “What the hell would you know about letting anyone in? In case you’ve forgotten, I did let someone in and she fucking died, Ellie. But you? You ran away. So, don’t give me any of your bullshit. You didn’t tell me because you—you—wanted a new life, one that didn’t involve any connections to Liam.”

  Her bottom lip trembles as she glares at me, and I know I’ve hit the motherlode. Good. She doesn’t get to come here, lay all this shit on me, then blame me for it. I didn’t ask to be a dad, or for Ellie to return in the first place. I’m beginning to think she should’ve kept her fucking secret to herself and stayed in Florida where she belongs.

  I don’t need this shit.

  I turn away from her and start toward the living room. As I do, I dig the picture of Lia out of my back pocket. Her small, happy face peers up at me, and I instantly realize I’m wrong. No matter what the circumstances are, this is something I should know about.

  Now, I gotta figure out what to do with it.

  I hear Ellie enter behind me, but I don’t face her when I speak. “Why did you come here if you didn’t want to tell me about her? Why now?”

  “Because I was going to tell you about her,” she says, the anger filtering out of her tone.

  “What changed your mind?”

  When Ellie doesn’t respond, I swing around to look at her. Her eyes are glassy, her lips curved inward like she’s trying not to cry.

  “What changed your mind, Ellie?” I repeat.

  She stares at the floor when she answers. “You. That girl who was here. The rum.” Her gaze rises to meet mine. “I came to ask you a favor. I, uh, was accepted to a research team to the Great Barrier Reef this summer—a big one. Tagging sharks. The friends I trust in Florida all have internships or other projects and couldn’t take Lia for that amount of time. And you know my parents can’t, not wit
h Dad’s medical issues, so…so my plan was to ask you.”

  She’s not really asking me right now. No, she’s simply reiterating out loud that my life isn’t stable enough for a child. She’s not wrong. But it still doesn’t give her a right to withhold my daughter from me.

  Even so, I can’t be a father. I don’t have an answer for the question she didn’t ask. Hell, I’m not doing so good at taking care of myself. The words still spill out before I can stop them. “I want to see her.”

  ~*~

  Ellie

  I’m weak.

  Damian doesn’t get it, and I’m not going to enlighten him. My feelings for him, not Liam, were the reason I left. I’ve always known he didn’t love me, and for a while, I was okay with that. But then, after Liam died, after I realized I’d fallen for the other Lowell brother, I hung onto the hope that maybe he would someday.

  Someday was definitely not today. I’ve got to quit thinking that it will ever happen. It’s way past time to move on.

  And after this morning, after seeing his flimsy one-night stand, his beeline for the liquor cabinet, I know I can’t leave Lia with him. Damian is not cut out to be a father, not now anyway.

  So now, as I’m driving back to my parents’ house, I’m kicking myself for agreeing to let him see her tonight. I couldn’t say no to him, though. I’d expected his surprise, but the utter betrayal behind those blues I love so much? Nothing had prepared me for that.

  One-handed, I fumble around in my purse, searching for my phone while keeping my eyes on the road. I find it, pull it out, and tap Blake’s picture. It’s best to tell him I’m not going to Australia sooner rather than later. I doubt he’ll be happy, but Blake’s a good guy, and he’ll understand. He’s been a reliable friend every step of the way since Lia was born.

  “So what’s the verdict?” he answers.

  I puff out a sigh into the phone. “Negative.”

  “He won’t watch her, huh? I’m sorry, Elizabeth.” The disappointment in his voice rings out loud and clear. Heck, it’s in my own voice too. This trip was huge.

  “I didn’t ask, but I can’t leave her with him. He hasn’t changed. When I arrived there this morning, some super hungover girl emerged barely dressed from his bedroom. Then, after I told him about Lia, he went straight for the booze.”

  Blake’s quiet for few seconds before he murmurs, “Did he want to see her?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Elizabeth,” he says, and he has that take-my-advice tone. He knows what I’m thinking. “He’s her father, and he needs to be able see his daughter. At least give him that before you make this decision, okay? Kids have a way of bringing out the best in people.”

  “At what cost, Blake? I can’t put Lia through hell for Damian’s sake.”

  “You are taking her to meet him, though, right?”

  “Yeah. Later tonight.”

  Blake’s level-headedness is what drew me to him four years ago when I chose him as a lab partner. We connected from day one, but I always held him at arm’s length when it came to having a relationship beyond friendship. Like always, he has the right thing to say.

  “Remember, you just dumped something huge in his lap today. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t, but go and see what happens tonight, babe. I know what it’s like to grow up not knowing your father, Elizabeth, and I don’t want that for Lia. Who knows, maybe this visit will be life-changing—in a good way—for her. Possibly for Damian too.”

  “Maybe,” I mutter.

  “See how it goes, all right? Then call me.”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I hang up and turn into my parents’ driveway. Lia’s inside waiting for me. What am I going to tell her?

  Chapter 7

  Ellie

  “Is this a good idea, Elizabeth?” my mother asks as I zip up Lia’s jacket.

  My mother knows some about my “relationship” with Damian. Not all of it since she disapproves of what little there actually is. She supported my decision to keep Lia a secret from him, and that was encouraging at first, especially when I wanted so badly to cave, run back to Iowa, and tell him everything—about Lia and how I feel about him. Even though she doesn’t know the last tidbit, she’d been vital to my not returning back then.

  “What good would it do?” she’d asked, and I had no reply.

  I never worried about the information leaking. My family and Damian’s family aren’t exactly involved in the same social groups.

  It’s better this way, because the longer I’ve been gone, the less I’ve thought about him.

  “You knew it might come to this,” I tell her. “I haven’t decided what to do yet, but either way, he deserves to meet her. She’s half his.”

  “Maybe you could take her with you?” Mom suggests.

  “To Cairns? And do what with her? I’ll be out on the ocean for twelve to fifteen hours a day. The whole lower deck is a laboratory. Really, Mom, it’s not suitable for children. Besides, I doubt the head researcher would be completely cool with it,” I add.

  “They have day cares in Australia,” Mom points out.

  “And who’s going to pay for that?” I face my mom, one hand on my hip. “I get it, okay? But if I want to go on this trip, Damian is the only option I have left. Kerri fell through last minute, you and Dad can’t take her, so if you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”

  Mom’s quiet for a moment. “Listen, Elizabeth. Damian has been through more than anyone should at his age. Just…” She places a hand on my shoulder. “Just remember that.”

  I stare at her, confused with her sudden one-eighty. “Are you defending him now?”

  “No, sweetie.” She purses her lips before she continues. “I want you to think about the implications of putting Lia into his life, only to take her back to Florida with you when this is over. You can’t give the two of them this time, then rip it away and expect him to be okay with that.”

  Damn.

  ~*~

  “Where are we, Mommy?” my sweet Lia-Kat asks from the backseat.

  I’d told her we were going out for dinner, which was true. On the way, I stopped and bought her a chicken nugget Happy Meal with sweet and sour sauce, apple juice, and the latest in McDonald’s top of the line kids’ toys.

  I unbuckle my belt and twist in my seat. She’s stroking the My Little Pony’s purple mane as she peers up at me with her father’s sapphire eyes and long lashes.

  “Do you remember when I told you that Blake wasn’t your daddy? That your daddy lived in the same state as Grandma and Grandpa?”

  She bobs her little head, blinking like she understands what’s happening. And the fact is, she probably does.

  “Well, this is your daddy’s house. Would you like to meet him?” I ask.

  For a second, she says nothing, then a small smile begins to appear on her face, and the dimples she inherited from Damian pinch inward. “Okay.”

  I love that at this moment she’s not a jaded adult who has seen the worst in people and what they’re capable of. No, my Lia is as innocent as they come, trusting and loving to a fault. She sees only the good in people, and that’s what daddies are to her—good.

  I hope Damian doesn’t ruin that outlook for her.

  I get out of the car, walk around, and unbuckle her, then we head up to the house the same way I had this morning. Damian said Dylan would be working all day, so we’d have the evening to ourselves. He better be sober.

  And alone.

  Seeing his latest lay leave this morning was more than enough. I won’t be able to handle a second round.

  I take Lia’s hand and ring the doorbell with the other. Damian opens the door almost immediately. He’s wearing jeans that hug his hips and a t-shirt that fits him well in all the right places. I hate that my breath catches at the sight of him.

  Get a hold of yourself, Ellie.

  His gaze hinges on mine for a split moment before it slowly slides down to the little girl at my side.

  Lia takes a ste
p closer to me, her body half behind my left leg. Her eyes go wide at the man in front of her. Damian’s frozen in place, mouth slightly parted, so I squat down to Lia’s level and smooth her hair to break the tension.

  “Lia, baby, this is Damian. Your daddy,” I say.

  She slinks into me, and I wrap an arm around her. “Hi,” she breathes out to him, her dimples appearing as her cheeks move.

  I glance up at Damian. It could be the reflection of the porch light, but his eyes seem to glisten with extra moisture. As if Lia’s greeting brings him to his senses, he crouches down and extends his hand.

  “Hi, Lia,” he says.

  She puts her hand in his, and he shakes it lightly. Then Damian flicks his attention up at me. “Why don’t you come inside?”

  “Sure.”

  Damian steps inside, holding the door for us. Lia stays close to me, but her eyes remain fixed on Damian, and Damian’s on her. I take the opportunity to do a quick scan of the living room for any traces of Damian’s latest sexcapade. I see nothing though, which is a huge relief.

  I sit on the sofa and help Lia with her jacket. Damian takes a seat in the armchair beside us, watching my every move with our daughter. When I’m done, Lia positions herself between my legs. This is her shy way of wanting me to pick her up and set her on my lap, which I do.

  Damian nods at Lia’s toy. “What’s that you have?”

  She plays with the pony’s tail, twisting it around her fingers. “A My Little Pony.”

  Damian only had one older brother, so he might not have a clue what a My Little Pony is. Still, he smiles like he does. “Do you like My Little Ponies?”

  Lia glances at me then back at her father. “Twilight Sparkle is my favorite. She’s a princess.”

  “Oh,” Damian says, his brow furrowing as he tries to understand. Honestly, it’s really cute. “Like Cinderella?” he asks.

  Lia giggles and shakes her head. “No. Cinderella is a person. Twilight Sparkle is a pony.”