Chase stood, pacing again. “You were seeing Jake while you were seeing me, remember? I don’t think there’s really any difference in our situations, do you?”
I frowned up at him, a tiny flame of anger blossoming in my chest. “Yes, I do. I wasn’t in a relationship with Jake, he is...was...my Dom. You knew that. And that’s different. But you called me ...just like you’d have called any other woman who caught your eye at the club. Isn’t that how it happens?”
He shook his head. “Don’t attribute thoughts to me that I didn’t have. Don’t think for me, Abby, ever.
“I called you for one reason. I was...fascinated...obsessed, I guess, with you, from the moment I saw you. And what happened between us during that session at the club, well, if it was intense for you, think what it was like for me.”
I frowned. Chase had told me in great detail how intense it had been for him, binding me in the soft white ropes, tying the intricate knots, how much he had enjoyed that part of our session. But he’d never told me anything beyond that, about how the session ended, about having sex. And that night, I had been so focused on Jake after the session, and so exhausted, I hadn’t registered anything else.
He stopped pacing, standing in front of me. I looked up at him, saw he was breathing hard.
“Abby, do you know what it was like, being there with you, knowing that I was the one who made it possible for you to experience all that? I don’t say that to brag, but I do say it as the humble guy who seemed to get it all right for you, to send you someplace I wished I could have followed. As a Dom, it was the most intense session I’d ever had. It’s what that type of relationship is all about...giving someone so much in return for what they give me.”
Chase crouched down in from of me, taking my hands.
“As a man, experiencing that with a beautiful woman...with you, Abby, it was beyond description. From that moment, I knew I wanted you.”
He looked down at his big hands holding mine. There was a moment of hesitation and then he let go, standing, his long legs striding across the room again. Pacing like a caged animal.
“And it only got worse...or better...or more intense, I guess, the more I saw you. And truth be told, it scared the hell out of me. Still does.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
“It’s like Mandy, all over again. Only ten times worse.”
Chase finally stopped in front of the window, looking down on the city below him. There was a long pause; his voice was low when he spoke.
“My first reaction, when things scare me...things I can’t control, like my feelings...is to either drink myself stupid, or find a woman. I’m past the drinking, for the most part. But the women...well, they’re harder to give up.”
He turned back, watching me a moment before coming to sit next to me on the couch.
“There have been women, Abby. I slept with them. Do I regret it? Yeah, I do. I’m not proud of how I acted. And I regret not telling you.”
We sat for a moment, before Chase turned to me. There was a look on his face, something I’d never seen before. Doubt, maybe? In himself, or me, I couldn’t tell.
“I’m being honest, Abby, as honest as I know how to be. No one has asked that of me, for a long time. But I need to know from you, if you’re going question me, question us...this...what does that say? About the trust between us? About your trust in me?”
“Do you trust me, Abby?”
In the moment I hesitated before answering, I saw something flash in Chase’s eyes. Resignation, loss...sadness. I dropped my eyes.
“I don’t know, Chase.” My voice was barely a whisper. “I don’t know how to think about this. And it scares me too.”
Chase reached over, taking my hand, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I could feel the calluses on his hands, the rough parts from being on the ranch, the soft parts that spoke of something else.
“For what it’s worth, however this ends, I think I’m a better man for having known you.” He leaned over, kissing my cheek.
I smiled. “Stacy said the same thing. You’d changed. She likes the new you.”
We sat for a minute, holding hands. I felt a welling sadness in my chest, like I was losing something valuable, that it was slipping away as I watched it go.
“Chase, you have to know how hard this is for me.”
He squeezed my hand. “I do. But you have to know it’s hard for me too. And to not have you trust me cuts like a knife. I’d lay my life on the line for you. You have to know that. I made mistakes. Hell, I’ll probably be making mistakes for the rest of my life.”
Chase stood, pacing again, unable to stand still. “I’m only human, Abby. You can’t expect me to be perfect.”
“I’m not expecting you to be perfect. I wanted honesty, not perfection. That’s all.”
Chase threw up his hands. “I’ve been trying to be honest with you, as best I can. I’ll fight for you, Abby. But I won’t do battle with you over this relationship.”
The anger I’d felt earlier came back, blooming hot and heavy in my chest.
“Do you think I’m doing all this on purpose to make it hard for you? That I enjoy this?” I stood, my face flushed.
“Because I don’t. I don’t want this...I didn’t ask for this.” I spread my hands, breathing hard.
The edge was back in Chase’s voice when he spoke, flinging the words at me. “Don’t want this...or don’t want me?”
He took two quick steps toward me, grabbing my arms, pushing me against the wall. Something close by fell to the floor. I felt his fingers tense against my skin.
“Because I want you, Abby, more than I’ve wanted any woman, ever. I want a relationship with you, not just for an occasional fuck in my bed or a roll in the hay. And I’m willing to work at that, to earn your trust, whatever I need to do. You have to know that. But you can’t hold my past against me going into the future. That’s not fair.”
Chase was breathing as hard as I was, his face close to mine. I could feel the heat of from his body, feel the tension, his fingers digging into my arms.
“Chase...please. You’re...”
“I’m hurting you? Yeah. I know. I want to get it through your head how important this is, that I think you’re about to throw something away that you really don’t want to...that I really don’t want you to.
“I love you, Abby. I want you. But I can’t force you to make a choice. I can’t...as much as I want to. But I can show you what’s good between us, what does work.”
His mouth was consuming me, his lips crushing mine against my teeth. I struggled in his grasp, desire and anger fighting for control. For the moment, anger won. I twisted my head, tearing my lips from Chase’s.
“Please...this isn’t...I don’t want...” But I did want, badly. And Chase knew that.
I was breathless, looking up at Chase, the intensity of his gaze startling me...and stoking that fire that burned deep inside me.
“Abby...” Chase’s voice was rough with anger or longing, I couldn’t tell. He buried his face in my neck, his fingers loosening their grip on my arms but his body still pinning me against the wall.
I wrapped my arms around him, my face against his neck. His pulse beat against my lips, hard and fast, matching my own.
His arms slid roughly down my body, cupping my ass, holding me while he pressed himself against my body, his arousal impossible to ignore.
As was mine; there was nothing I could do but give in. I pulled away from him, seeking his mouth with mine, my kiss as blistering as his had been.
He spun me away from the wall, walking me backward until I hit the edge of the couch. I sat down hard and we came apart briefly as I twisted beneath him, until he was lying on top of me, the length of his body touching mine, pressing his hips into me, mine rising up to meet him.
I ran my hands through his hair, holding him hard against my mouth. His tongue skated along my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, pulling and sucking his lips and then, biting down on his lower
lip. I tasted blood but it only fueled my desire.
Chase pulled away from me, running a finger along his lip. He looked at the blood and then down at me, his eyes dark.
“And who’s hurting who now, Abby?”
I had no chance to answer and I suspect Chase wasn’t interested in one anyway. Our hands were frantically pulling at clothes, Chase undoing enough buttons on my blouse to expose the tops of my breasts, pulling my bra down roughly so he could pull one nipple to his mouth. I stopped tugging at his t-shirt, gasping as his lips tugged at me.
There was a rush of heat through my body as he sucked hard. Then there was a flash of pain as I felt his teeth nip my tender skin. I cried out and Chase lifted his head, his lips curved into a dark smile that held little warmth.
“Had enough?” His eyes were lit with an intensity that matched my own.
“No...have you?” I grabbed the front of his t-shirt with both hands, ripping it down the front, my hands sliding over his chest, around his back, raking my nails over his skin. I saw him wince and it sent a bolt of something dark through me, rocking me to the core.
“Now, Chase...now!” My voice was low, no longer breathless, but demanding.
“This isn’t going to be pretty, Abby. I hope you know that.”
Chase abruptly sat back on his knees, yanking down the zipper on my jeans, while I undid the buttons on his with trembling fingers. I lifted my hips as Chase grabbed two handfuls of denim, stripping my pants down my legs, tossing them on the floor. With little ceremony, he shoved his jeans down his hips far enough to free his cock, before pinning me to the couch again with his body.
It wasn’t pretty; Chase was right. It was brutal and hard and fast. We were both breathing heavily, Chase grunting, me making noises I’d never heard myself make. There was nothing about this coming together that seemed like it was anything but us taking from each other, the collision of two people intent on the satisfaction of animal needs.
But it was so consuming, in its aggressive way...so overwhelmingly right at that moment. As brutal and primal and out of control as we were, it united us on some level I didn’t understand, connected me with Chase, somewhere deep and dark. And that scared me...it scared the hell out of me.
When we were done, when I’d come so hard I thought I’d shatter, after Chase had almost pushed me off the couch as he sought his release, we lay in a sweaty tangled heap, trying to catch our breath.
I finally pushed myself away from Chase, sitting up to button my shirt, searching the floor for my jeans. He sat on the other end of the couch, his face flushed, hair damp from our encounter.
“What are we doing to each other, Abby? Why do we keep doing this?” He watched me struggle into my jeans, my hands shaking as I fastened the snap.
I sat on the edge of the coffee table, pushing my hair out of my eyes, looking down at my hands, clutching them together to try to stop them from trembling.
“I don’t know. I really don’t.” I took a ragged breath. “I’m not sure I can keep doing it, Chase.” There was a moment of quiet in the room.
“Do you love me, Abby?” Chase’s voice was low, questioning.
I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Yes. I love you, Chase. I do...probably more than is good for me...for you.” My voice broke.
“Come here.” His voice was soft and he held out his hand, an open invitation. I hesitated and then I saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt that mirrored mine. And that undid the tears. I crawled up on the couch and Chase wrapped his arms around me, holding me while I cried against his torn shirt.
“What we do to each other, Abby, what we do. Love shouldn’t be this hard, should it?”
I left Chase feeling betrayed...by myself. I hadn’t wanted to give in to myself, to the overwhelming attraction I have for Chase. But it’s so damned hard. He’d told me once he was irresistible and he’s right.
But as confused as I still was, each man had a claim on my heart. And each claim was tearing me to pieces.
I spent Sunday in bed, trying to sleep, convincing myself I needed to recharge instead of admitting what I really was doing... burying my head under the covers, trying to escape the swirling emotions inside of me. Trying to avoid the whole situation. Denial can be the perfect dominant, if you give yourself over to it completely. I couldn’t.
The following week began badly and went downhill quickly. Burke called me into a meeting Monday morning, asking for updates on all my clients, something he’d never done before. Afterward, in my office, I had the nagging sense I was in trouble, although he’d never said there was anything wrong. I’d spent the rest of that day working on proposals and dealing with emails.
Later in the week Burke called another meeting, this time telling me one of my clients had requested a new account manager within the company. I was stunned. I’d never lost a client like this. Burke laid it on the line for me.
“Abby, there’s been a real decline in your quality of work lately. I don’t know if it’s because of personal reasons, something medical, or if you’re not happy here, with the company. But something’s got to change. I’m here if you need to talk, if it’s something work related I can help you with. But if you’re not happy here, it may be time for you to consider a change.”
Burke looked at me over the top of his glasses. “I really enjoy working with you Abby, truly. You’re a fantastic employee. I’d like to help you if I can. But I also need to let you know your performance has come to my attention, and not in a good way.”
I left Burke’s office in shock. Burke was right; something did need to change. But he had no idea what that was. And I certainly wasn’t going to unload my personal problems on my boss. But I did need to do something.
Sometime after the meeting with Burke, Leslie called to see if I was free for lunch. When I declined, she came to my office, bringing the requisite salad and large iced tea.
“I won’t tell you how you look today, Abby. I’ve run out of colorful terms.” She sat down, pushing the salad and iced tea in my direction. I pushed them back, and her eyebrows immediately shot up in surprise and concern.
“What’s wrong, honey?”
“I had a meeting with Burke today and, well, things on the job are a little unsettled. I think I’m just going to work though lunch.”
As much as I love Leslie, as dear as she is as a friend, she wasn’t the person I wanted to see right now. My last conversation with her, while it had helped me put things in some kind of perspective, made me feel guilty, as if I’d betrayed both Jake and Chase’s confidences. After the weekend I’d just been through, I really didn’t feel up to the mental challenge of editing my words to avoid a repeat guilt-fest later.
“Oh. Well, yeah. I heard about that.” She took a sip of coffee, not meeting my eyes.
“What? You heard about what?” I pushed my keyboard away, looking at her closely. Leslie, unlike me, can play poker. I’ve seen her. She can hide her emotions if she wants. And now, she was hiding something. But she was also itching to tell me. I could see the conflict flicking in her eyes.
“Oh, you know. Burke was up in HR earlier, looking through your personnel file.” Her eyes flickered up to meet mine. They were blank and unreadable, the confidentiality aspect of her job apparently kicking in, the desire to gossip momentarily quelled.
“Okay. So you know something I don’t know and you can’t tell me, because it’s confidential.” That familiar sensation of anger, which seemed to always be there recently, that tight knot in my chest, rose up again. My nerves were frayed, my mind exhausted and my patience at its end. I snapped.
“You know, Leslie, that’s fine. Don’t tell me. I won’t pry it out of you. But for all this time that I’ve been seeing Jake, when I told you there were things I couldn’t discuss, you managed to make me feel guilty for not telling you, because you were my friend. And because I felt guilty, I told you things I really wish now I hadn’t said.” I stopped for a breath. My voice had risen, taking on that tone I hate, the tone I get when
I’m on a roll, apparently enraptured with the sound of my own righteous voice.
“Abby, it’s not the same...” Leslie looked back at me with wide eyes.
“How is it not the same? Confidentiality is confidentiality, whether it’s you in HR or me with a request from Jake. It’s exactly the same. But you have some deep need to get all the juicy details out of me, now that I actually have some. And I’m finally fed up with it.”
I watched as Leslie stood, silently gathering her lunch, her coffee, moving to the door. She stopped, speaking to me without turning around.
“I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, Abby. I’m hoping that outburst was a result of that and not something else. Let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation.”
She was gone before I could say anything, the only thing left behind the smell of her coffee. I massaged my temples, willing myself to push the encounter out of my mind, for now. I had enough things to drive me crazy and this, at this moment, wasn’t something I could dwell on. I was being a lousy friend, but I had to trust that my friendship with Leslie could withstand the other issues complicating my life.
Late that afternoon, as I was diligently working through my emails, the phone rang. I prickled at the interruption, contemplated letting it go to voice mail but decided to answer it, thinking it might be Leslie. In hindsight, I’m not sure it was such a good idea.
It was Stacy.
“Abby, I know I told Chase I wasn’t going to get in the middle of his personal business, and I’m not. But I am getting into the middle of yours.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve talked to Jane.” There was a moment of silence.
My heart was thumping uncomfortably in my chest. I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear what Stacy had to say, but powerless to stop her.
“Abby, I think we should talk. Come to the club.”
“Chase is never here on Thursdays.” Stacy met me at the street door, sensing my hesitation.
She led me into Chase’s office, pointing to one of the chairs in front of his desk. I sat down, remembering the first time I’d come here, to Chase’s club. I’d sat in this same chair, immediately drawn to him, knowing then on some level I was playing with fire, just not realizing how all-consuming that fire would be.
Submission: Guilty Pleasures #3 Page 4
