Tempted by Dr. Off-Limits

by Charlotte Hawkes

  ‘And the grandmothers’ health groups are...?’

  ‘Like many of the places the charities have worked, out here it’s down to the men to decide whether their wives and children can get medical help. Over the decades they’ve found that the most effective way to encourage attitude change is to teach the grandmothers. They are some of the most valued and respected people within their communities and they have more influence over their sons and sons-in-law than the young wives do over their husbands.’

  ‘I see. But until we’ve completed a lot of the rebuild, the charities aren’t going to be out here. So going into the communities makes them more amenable?’

  ‘Sure. A lot of it is more about lack of information and advice than anything. Not all families have the means, or inclination, to get to the hospital, so I go to them. We try to educate them on why getting their child immunised is so important, and describe symptoms such as acute flaccid paralysis so that they know what to look out for and when to bring their child to us at the hospital.’

  ‘Which communities?’ he bit out.

  ‘Say again?’

  ‘When you head out tomorrow, which direction?’

  ‘South-west.’ She frowned. ‘I don’t see—’

  ‘Is that entirely necessary? The region isn’t safe at the moment,’ Fitz cut her off, oblivious. ‘There are severe dust storms in that area at the moment, advancing walls of dust and debris that can be miles wide and thousands of feet high.’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’ She bit her tongue from giving a flippant retort and battled to keep her voice even. ‘This isn’t my first tour of duty, I have come across dust storms before.’

  For a moment she thought she saw a flash of concern on Fitz’s face. Then it was gone.

  ‘Good, then I shouldn’t need to tell you that heading into the local communities right now is a bad idea. There are wide expanses in that direction, the roads are barely roads and the risk of RTAs is much higher.’

  Her irritation, her discomfort all dissolved as a wisp of empathy curled its way up from her stomach. She recalled that haunted look in his eyes from the first night, pained and helpless, when he’d told her how his family had died in a crash. His father, drink-driving. A murmur escaped her lips.

  ‘This is about the crash, isn’t it? You’re worried about a convoy crash?’

  There were units driving in and out of the site all the time, especially logistics convoys as they ferried supplies. So, perhaps more accurately, he was worried about her convoy being caught by a rapidly moving wall of dust.

  She was absurdly touched, even as his face turned deathly white. Abruptly his eyes burned with fury, searing her to the spot, a snarl twisting the features she’d touched, kissed, tasted.

  ‘Why would you say that?’ he rasped, his anger bouncing off the walls, making the tiny room throb.

  Anyone else might be intimidated. Elle refused to allow herself to be. Instead, she peered at him.

  ‘You don’t remember telling me about your mum and sister?’

  ‘I remember,’ he ground out, as if waiting for her to say something else.

  She licked her lips, steadying herself.

  ‘I think you feel somehow responsible. Maybe for not being there. Maybe because they died and you lived. But because you couldn’t control that situation, you’re concerned about my convoy going out tomorrow.’

  The silence swelled and the small space felt even more stifled, like a pressurised can left out in the sweltering sun. But she wasn’t about to back down.

  ‘That’s it?’ His bark of laughter rang out, a hollow and unpleasant sound.

  ‘Isn’t it enough?’ she asked softly.

  And then, oddly, she could have sworn relief flickered in those eyes, swiftly chased by disdain.

  ‘I suppose it is.’ He shrugged. ‘But, no, telling you about my family was a combination of factors from that night; let me assure you it wasn’t anything special about you. I was merely concerned about your team in Colonel Duggan’s absence. So, if you’ve quite finished psychoanalysing me...’

  It was all she could do to stay upright. His words were as cutting as if he’d taken her out by the knee, winding her and humiliating her in one smooth strike. What a fool she was for thinking he’d been worried about her. When was she going to get it through her head that whatever they’d shared that night, in Fitz’s head it was over and done with?

  Chapter Ten

  HE REGRETTED THE words as soon as they’d left his lips but that did little to reduce their efficacy. His low blow had clearly left her reeling and he hated himself for it.

  He was supposed to be protecting Elle from himself by keeping her at arm’s length so that he wouldn’t destroy her. He wasn’t supposed to be destroying her in the process.

  ‘I’m sorry. That was...uncalled for,’ he told her quietly, sincerely.

  She inclined her head stiffly, plainly struggling to compose herself.

  ‘I appreciate your concern for my convoy, Colonel, but it’s misplaced. Furthermore, I would respectfully remind you that Colonel Duggan and I are running the medical side of this mission and I have administrative and operational command in his absence. I’m satisfied that the risk of dust storms is no greater than usual in this area. If we get caught out, as convoys frequently do around here, we’ll follow protocol and find shelter or at least pull off the road to wait it out.’

  So stiff, so formal. He’d really hurt her.

  ‘I did try to warn you, even from that first night, that I wasn’t a good man. That I always end up destroying people.’

  She pressed her lips together, her back bracing just a fraction.

  ‘I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that dust storms in this area are unpredictable, Colonel, so we’re going to have to take a chance at some point. And, to refer to your earlier question, yes, it is necessary,’ she cut in respectfully but firmly. ‘There are refugees crossing the border in their hundreds of thousands, and even though there are vaccination stations at many of the crossings there are still tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of children and babies who are missing out and who have already moved on and into existing communities. If I can spare children from suffering polio paralysis then I have to go, possible sandstorm or not.’

  He almost smiled as her voice changed when she spoke of her work. That passion of hers had been one of the things to attract him in the first place. And the fact that she was desperately clinging to formality and keeping the topic mission-related hadn’t gone unnoticed either. Normally, he wouldn’t have pushed it—then again, normally he wouldn’t have been in this position to start with—but that...tenderness she’d demonstrated moments ago when she’d spoken of his family, of his loss, told him that she’d been touched at the idea he’d been worried for her safety.

  He owed her the truth.

  ‘I’m sorry, Elle, but I tried to warn you I wasn’t a good man, whatever you might think of me right now.’

  Her shoulders actually sagged.

  A strange silence descended over them and he had to let her be the one to break it. But when she did, he wasn’t prepared for the sadness in her voice as it tore into his chest.

  ‘I never thought you were cruel, Fitz, even without seeing the way your men love and respect you. But you can’t keep doing this, flip-flopping between acknowledging this attraction between us one minute and then pushing me away the next.’

  ‘I’m just trying to do the right thing.’ He shook his head.

  ‘You create barriers,’ she countered. ‘You never intended to tell me those secrets of yours that first night, but you decided it didn’t matter because we were never going to see each other again; even if I hadn’t been set on one crazy night, you would have made sure of it. And then when we turned up here together you resented me for it. You’ve been using army barriers, rules that don’t technically ex
ist, to push me away ever since.’

  How did she do it? How did she see that side of him that no one else had, and yet fail to see the swirling darkness within him?

  ‘Why do you want to be with me?’ he demanded hotly, standing abruptly and rounding the desk so there was nothing between them. ‘I’m not a good man. I’m not the responsible, caring man you seem to think I am.’

  ‘Tell that to those men out there who think the world of you!’ she exclaimed.

  They were so close he could feel her body heat, experience the emotion as it poured off her, her fierceness making his chest ache. Yet, deliberately, neither of them closed the gap any further.

  ‘Tell that to the men they’ve spoken to back home and at Razorwire who spoke so highly of you, leading from the front in more combat zones than they could remember. Tell that to High Command, who appointed you as one of the youngest lieutenant colonels.’

  He wanted to believe her. So much that it hurt.

  He couldn’t.

  ‘That’s just the army. I like the man I am when I’m serving. The responsibility, the care, the life is different. It’s easy to be a good leader, I know what’s expected of me.’

  ‘No, it’s easy because it’s who you are.’ She heaved out a shaky sigh.

  He bowed his head towards hers.

  ‘But that’s not the man I am out there, away from the structure. Where real feelings are needed. I don’t have them. I’m empty, and broken, and toxic.’

  Much closer and their heads would have touched. That last absence of contact was the only thing saving either of them right now.

  ‘I don’t believe that,’ she whispered at length. ‘Because that’s not the man I met that night. Just Fitz opened up to me because he wanted to. A thoughtful, considerate, sensitive man in the bar with that young lad, and then later with me, in bed. I couldn’t have hoped for anyone more giving or generous to make me feel respected. You made me feel desirable again.’

  ‘You wouldn’t say that if you knew the things I’ve done. The lives I’ve destroyed. I can’t forget my mistakes, I can’t pretend they were okay.’

  ‘Everybody makes mistakes, Fitz. The trick is to learn from them.’

  ‘Why don’t you have the sense to walk away?’ He demanded. ‘I have learned from my mistakes. I learned that I’m just like my old man. Selfish, joyless, destructive.’

  ‘Funny,’ she whispered, ‘but that isn’t a description I recognise, and neither would your old friend Major Howes, who speaks of you so highly.’

  ‘That’s because I’m a different person here.’

  ‘Then let me say that it isn’t the side of you that I saw that night.’

  Pain expanded in his chest, almost crushing everything else.

  ‘But it would be. If that night was allowed to be something more.’ His voice sounded raw even to his ears. ‘That’s why I’m trying to shield you.’

  Her whisper was so low he had to strain to hear her.

  ‘See, that’s where I have the difficulty. If you’re so much this selfish person, then why would you be trying to shield me?’

  He stiffened, momentarily thrown. She made him want to believe in himself the way she seemed to.

  ‘Because there’s worse you don’t know about.’

  ‘So, try me.’

  Hot. Urgent. Desperate.

  And he wanted to. He wanted to tell her everything, to lay every last, ugly truth out there and let her smooth it away, the way he suspected she could.

  But if she didn’t, if she saw what he’d been trying to hide all along, the mirror image of his father, Fitz didn’t think he could bear it.

  It was a reminder he needed.

  This wasn’t about him. This was about Elle. If they hadn’t ended up here, at this hospital, in this place, they would never have tried to see each other again. He ignored the voice that reminded him how he’d been considering contacting the hotel about her when he came back off his tour of duty, however unlikely it was they might have assisted. And, yes, it was more than just sex, it felt like there was some kind of connection there. But how long would that last? It would disappear in the end. He’d feel stifled, trapped, just as he had with Janine. And then, despite his best intentions, hurting Elle would be inevitable.

  ‘I have to live with the consequences of my choices every day,’ he bit out, firmer now. ‘But I can make sure I don’t hurt a single other person. I can make sure I don’t destroy you.’

  It was for the best.

  ‘Except that you can’t, can you?’ Elle whispered. ‘You keep trying to push me away but then you can’t help yourself, you have to reel me back in. You might not mean to but you do. You obviously care about me in some small way when you worry about a dust storm, but when I challenge you, you call me a meaningless fling. How is that not hurting me?’

  He froze. As much as he might not want to admit it, there was merit to her words. From the moment they’d met he’d felt some kind of connection with her and he’d found it next to impossible to leave her the next day without also leaving his phone number, even though he’d come to his senses and binned it.

  He’d dragged her into his office and dredged it all up that first day he’d turned up to see her, and he’d allowed himself to kiss her, to convey all the confusion neither of them could articulate. And now he’d dragged her here again, dismissed Carl, engineered things to be with her. He should have left days ago. He could have worked on the plans back at Razorwire, but this was where Elle was.

  The more he pushed her away, the more aware he seemed to be of her. As though the fact that she was out here on site, yet avoiding him, left him feeling illogically hollow. The more she avoided him, the more she took up residence in his head. Instead of her absence helping to quell his ache for her, it only made him want her all the more. Crave her.

  And not just physically. He ached to hear her laugh, see her smile, feel the warm glow that accompanied her presence.

  Just because she was out of sight it didn’t mean he hadn’t gathered as much information as he could about her from the other officers around the site, both those who had worked with her for years and those who had just started to get to know her on this mission.

  Yet the answers were always the same. She was respected, admired, liked and not infrequently lusted after, though no one but Carl openly admitted it. As a man who was suffering from the same affliction he could recognise the signs, not least because it caused a fresh sense of possession to course through his veins.

  He could hear a muffled part of his brain proposing that if pushing her away and distancing himself from Elle wasn’t working, then perhaps allowing himself to spend time with her, saturating himself with her presence would do the job. More time with her would allow him to see her as just another woman, flawed like everyone else. He could stop elevating her, could stop seeing her through the sentimental eyes of that first night, when the grim anniversary of his family’s deaths had already been stirring long-buried emotions inside him, and which Elle had inadvertently tapped into.

  The events of that night had created a false sense of connection with her, and that was what was causing him to lose his head now. It was stopping him from focussing on a job to which he’d never had any issue applying himself in the past.

  If he allowed himself to explore being with Elle, then perhaps he would finally be able to shake off this unreasonably acute, distracting need to know her, to understand her.

  And if they both knew the rules of any such encounter from the outset, if they both agreed it was temporary, an extension of that one night, then surely he could also set aside his fear that he would hurt her. He’d never worried about that with previous relationships, he’d never let that stop him.

  But Elle wasn’t like them. She was different. He felt different with her.

  He needed time to think.

  ‘
I’m trying to protect you,’ Fitz eventually stated flatly. ‘That’s the last thing I’m going to say. For now.’

  He didn’t know how he did it, but he finally tore himself away from her and moved back around the desk.

  ‘When do you leave?’ he asked.

  The hurt that made her whole body slump almost wrecked him.

  ‘Elle, I’m asking as Fitz. Not as a colonel. I’m not using protocol as an excuse. I know what you said last time.’

  It was the only concession he could make to her, and he was relieved when she nodded, dredging up a faint smile, acknowledging it for what it was. He wasn’t shutting her down like he had last time. He was buying himself time. And she was prepared to sell it to him.

  ‘We leave at dawn. It’s a couple of hours’ drive so we’ll get most of tomorrow and then all of the following day. We’ll head back the day after.’

  ‘Okay.’ He nodded.

  So tomorrow he’d either be heading back to Razorwire, putting Elle into his past for good, or staying here and riding this attraction out until he could finally let her go.

  He barely had the night to decide.

  * * *

  ‘He can’t be serious?’

  Fitz could hear Elle’s muttered objection as she stood alone, her back to him, in the deserted square outside the hospital, the sunrise giving an almost halo effect to her flame-red hair. She was far enough from the hospital that she couldn’t be heard, but close enough that she could watch the convoy go through its final preparations without standing out against the backdrop of the building.

  ‘Something amiss?’ he asked casually as he walked up behind her, and she spun around with a startled cry.

  She eyed him cautiously, as though recognising his less controlled, less distant attitude but still uncertain what it meant.