Angels in My Hair

by Lorna Byrne

  Joe's eyes filled with tears of happiness at the memory.

  Joe had always been nervous about my relationship with the angels; even though I had shared much of it with him, he was still afraid they would take me away. He felt more vulnerable because he was ill. Sometimes he would get anxious knowing that someone was coming to see me – especially when he was feeling particularly sick or weak. Sometimes he'd say things like, 'They are taking you away from me. I need you more than they do.' My heart used to go out to him, but I knew I had to do what I had to do.

  I remember one particular man and his wife who came to see me because she was dying, and they were desperate. He so needed his wife to live, but his wife was reconciled to the fact that she wouldn't and instead felt a need to grow spiritually. They used to come quite often, sometimes unexpectedly. Joe found this very hard and he would say to me, 'I'm dying too.' Although he said it, I'm not entirely sure he believed it; Joe didn't really accept that he would die shortly. That's not uncommon.

  As time went on, conventional medicine could do no more for this woman than control her pain, and she, like many others, turned to alternative spiritual routes.With the support of her doctors she travelled to Brazil. I knew it would be her last journey, and that while it would take a lot out of her physically, it was very important for her spirit. Sometimes people who know they are dying want to learn more of their soul's journey because it helps them to understand death better.

  Her time in Brazil was brief, but important, and when she came back, very weak from the physical effort, the first person she visited was me. She came to tell me about all that happened over there and to get further help for her spiritual journey. Her husband sat beside me in the kitchen as she talked, telling me everything. At one stage she told him to shut up and not to interrupt. She was desperate to tell me everything herself, to be healed so that she could die in peace. When she left I hugged her, knowing I wouldn't see her again. As she went down the steps, I saw a beam of light – her soul turned to look at me and I saw a perfect soul. She went home and went to bed, and never got out of it again.

  The angels were telling me that time was really short for Joe and I was constantly giving out to the angels for telling me things I really didn't want to hear. One day I was coming out of a shop carrying groceries when an angel appeared in front of me, surrounded by birds. 'Go away!' I said.

  The angel disappeared, but the birds did not. There were all kinds of birds: sparrows, robins, blackbirds and bigger birds such as jackdaws and crows. They flew around me, their wings almost touching me. I reached out to push them away with my hands and eventually they flew away. Now I call that particular angel the 'Bird Angel'.

  The Bird Angel was beautiful: extremely tall and elegant and dressed in white with long sleeves that were cut at angles with a golden sash around the waist and he wore a V-shaped necklace with a large green sapphire – about two inches thick, dangling from the point. His face was gold and his eyes white. He only appeared a handful of times, but each time before I saw him a lot of birds of all sizes would surround me and come up close to me.

  When he could, Joe loved to come and sit by the fire for a little while and he would sometimes struggle, with my help, to walk as far as the front gate. One evening, as soon as we got outside the house birds came from everywhere and flew around his feet, picking at the stones, and some landed on the gate and started to clean their feathers.

  'Where are all the birds coming from?' Joe asked. 'I've never seen so many together.'

  I pointed. 'They are here because the Bird Angel is standing a little distance from us,' I told him. Joe couldn't see him, of course, but his eyes lit up. He gave me a big smile and said, 'I like the Bird Angel.' Then we turned around and walked back into the house.

  We talked about whether Joe should go into hospital or stay at home. He said it would be easier on me and the children if he was in hospital and died there, that he didn't want to be a burden. I would say to him, 'No, Joe, you are not a burden. I love you and so do your children. We don't want you to die in hospital.We want you to stay here at home with us.'

  A few days before Joe died, the doctor called around lunchtime and told him that maybe it was time he went into hospital. I asked the doctor, 'If Joe goes into hospital now, what chance will he have of coming back home?'

  'It's more than likely he'll never come back home,' the doctor replied.

  Joe and I looked at each other and we both said, 'No' simultaneously. Joe told the doctor we had talked about him dying at home and I added, 'We have made our decision.'

  Looking at the doctor standing at the end of the bed, I could see his compassion and understanding. 'Call me any time day or night. The time doesn't matter,' he said.

  The next day Joe told me he would love a pork steak for dinner, so off I went down to Jim the butcher's and asked him for a pork steak. He knew Joe was sick and said, 'Sorry, I haven't any.' He went out the back and when he returned he said he would have pork steak the next day.

  That evening Joe said he would like a little walk, so I helped him out as far as the gate. It was a bright night with lots of stars in the sky, but very cool. As we stood by the gate the Bird Angel appeared again, standing to the left of the lamp post on the green opposite the house. Joe rested, leaning on the gate for support.

  'It's a beautiful evening,' he said.

  I turned to look at the lamp post again and the Bird Angel was gone. A flash of light in the night sky to my right caught my attention. 'Joe, look!' I said.

  Joe turned around to look in the direction of the house. A beautiful white bird flew out of the darkness towards us, growing brighter and becoming clearer as it got closer. The bird was flying low, growing bigger by the second, it was bright white and enormous and we could see all its feathers. It was a magnificent bird.

  'It's a white owl!' Joe exclaimed.

  We thought it was going to hit us and ducked as the owl flew over our heads and straight into the light surrounding the street lamp. The street light was extremely bright, now – when I think about it I realise it was unusually so. We could see the owl clearly as it flew through the light. Then it disappeared.

  'That was a magnificent sight to see!' Joe said in astonishment. 'That owl was so big and so white. Where did it go? It disappeared as it flew into the light, it was as if there was an explosion of light and then it vanished.'

  I smiled at Joe and told him that earlier, when we were coming out, I had seen the Bird Angel standing at the lamp and that it had turned itself into the white owl so that Joe could see it.

  We had been out there longer than normal and Joe's legs were trembling. I helped him to the house and back to bed. I brought him a cup of tea and he told me to sit down beside him; he had something to tell me.

  He opened the bedside dresser, took out an envelope and handed it to me saying, 'This is for your birthday. Tomorrow is a special day for you and Ruth. It's both of your birthdays.'

  I looked at it in confusion.

  'Open it!' he said.

  I couldn't believe my eyes. Inside the envelope there was a hundred pounds!

  'Joe, where did you get this from?'

  Joe told me that he had been saving for a long time.

  'I never told you, Lorna, but sometimes when visitors came they insisted on leaving me some money for cigarettes. I have been saving it up. I want you both to go into Dublin, have a meal out and buy that ring I promised you so long ago.'

  Of course Joe meant the ring to replace my engagement ring, which had been stolen from the pawnbrokers. He had promised he would buy me another one and now he was doing so but in what circumstances! For about six weeks Joe had been saying that he would try to stay alive for our birthdays, now I knew one of the reasons why.

  I gave Joe a big hug and a kiss and I went up to Ruth's bedroom and told her that we would be going into Dublin in the morning for a treat to celebrate her sixteenth birthday, and I was to buy a ring. Ruth ran into her Dad's bedroom and gave him a big hug
and a kiss, too.

  Next morning, Ruth and I caught the bus into Dublin. We walked the legs off ourselves but eventually found the sort of ring I was looking for in a little jeweller on O'Connell Street, and then we went for lunch. Sitting at the table, Ruth and I talked; she was planning to go away for the weekend that evening with her friend's parents and family.

  'Mum, do you think it's okay for me to go away for the weekend? I am really looking forward to it, but I'm worried about Dad.'

  'Go away and have a wonderful weekend,' I said. 'We won't say anything to your Dad about your going away, because it'll only worry and confuse him.'

  We had a great time that day, but I was very anxious about Joe and kept stopping to phone home and make sure he was okay. Fortunately, the phone was beside his bed.

  While we were out, something wonderful happened that I was told of later. Megan, who was four, went in to talk to her dad, as she did frequently. She used to sit beside him on the bed and he would read to her or she would draw pictures as she sat on the floor beside him. That day she told him to 'come and play with me' – the same words she had used when she had appeared to him before she was born. She was very insistent that he come and push her on the swing. From somewhere, it can only have been God and the angels, Joe was given the energy to get up and get dressed (something he hadn't done for weeks) and go out and push her on the swing. Christopher was there, keeping an eye on both of them, and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Megan and Joe laughed and played on the swing for ten minutes and then Joe went back to bed.

  When we got back to Maynooth I called into Jim the butcher's for the pork steak.When I offered to pay he said, 'It's on the house! Tell Joe I was asking for him.' I thanked him and Ruth and I hurried home.

  That evening the house was crowded with angels. The fire was lit in the front room and I moved from one room to another as I cooked the pork steak, potatoes, vegetables and gravy. We sat around the coffee table by the fire having our dinner and celebrating our birthdays. Joe hardly ate anything. He said he had been looking forward to the taste of the pork steak, but all he could manage was a tiny bit. He noticed Ruth getting ready to go out and kept on asking Ruth where she was going. She told him she was going to visit a friend but he was very confused.

  While Ruth was in the kitchen getting ready to leave she said, 'Mum, do you think Dad will be okay?'

  'Your dad would want you to enjoy yourself on your birthday. Off you go and if anything happens I will call you straight away,' I replied.

  Ruth ran back in to her dad, gave him a kiss and said goodbye. Her brother Christopher came home, helped himself to dinner and joined us in the front room by the fire. He sat and talked with his dad as he had dinner and then gave Joe a big hug and said he would be back later.

  When I was alone in the room with Joe he said, 'You know it has been very hard for me to stay alive for your birthday.'

  'I know,' I said. 'Thank you, it's the best birthday present I could have. And I love the ring. What more could I ask for?'

  I gave him a hug. I could see all the angels around him and his guardian angel holding on to him. I smiled to myself. I had noticed how the angels were getting the children to say goodbye to their dad in such a gentle way. Christopher passed Owen in the hall as he went out and Owen came and sat by the fire talking to his dad. He too was going out. Joe and I were left alone for the evening.

  We sat by the fire talking a little and then Joe fell asleep. I watched the television, sitting beside him. Around midnight Joe opened his eyes. He was confused and didn't know where he was. I comforted him and told him it was okay, that he was at home. He looked at me and smiled. 'You should go to bed now, Lorna,' he said.

  'I'll wait for you,' I replied.

  'No, you go ahead,' Joe said. 'I want to sit here for a little while on my own.'

  I kissed Joe, said goodnight and went to bed. Shortly afterwards he came into the room. I don't know how he managed to walk; I believe his guardian angel carried him. As he got into bed beside me, Joe said, 'Lorna, do you think I will be all right? Will I make it through the night?'

  As I said, 'Joe, don't worry, I will be looking after you. You will be okay,' his guardian angel shook his head at me.

  At some stage I must have fallen asleep cuddled up to Joe. I woke suddenly. Joe was having a bad turn. The room was full of light. It was crowded with angels and spirits, among them I saw the spirit of my da standing by the side of the bed. I looked into Joe's eyes and saw that the light was almost out. He didn't recognise me. There was no glow around him.

  My da said, 'Lorna, let him go. You know you cannot ask again.'

  I was holding Joe in my arms, my eyes full of tears. I knew I could not ask God to allow Joe to stay; I knew the answer would be no. I lay Joe back down on the bed. Christopher was staying out with friends but I called out to Owen and he came running.

  'Your dad is dying,' I said. 'His time is almost gone.'

  Immediately Owen jumped up onto the bed.

  'Mum,' he said looking at me, 'I know Dad said we were to let him go, but I have to try. He's my dad and I love him.'

  I let him try. He sat on the bed calling his name and rubbing his face, trying to make him conscious. I didn't have the heart to tell him it wouldn't work this time. God had said no and all the angels and souls were here to take Joe to Heaven.

  I raced to the kitchen to phone for an ambulance. I did everything I usually did when Joe took a turn. I called a taxi driver we knew and asked him to call and collect Christopher on his way over. Then Owen called out, 'Mum! Dad's stopped breathing.' I rushed into the bedroom and at the door I met Joe's soul, accompanied by his guardian angel. Joe looked so beautiful; he was radiant. He smiled at me, then looked back into the room at Owen before disappearing.

  The ambulance came and they took Joe away. Christopher and I followed the ambulance to the hospital in the taxi.

  I don't remember much of the funeral. Joe's death was a big shock, even though I had known for so long that he was only on borrowed time. God had granted the miracle of life for Joe and I knew God would not grant that miracle a second time. He had told me never to ask, because he would have to say no. It was extremely hard for me not to ask God, not to beg. I didn't want to let Joe go, but I knew I had to. I know he looks after me and the children every day, and I thank him for his love, kindness and gentleness.

  I wore that birthday ring for about two weeks after Joe's death. Then I took it off and never wore it again.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  A feather from Heaven

  Shortly after Joe was buried I resumed seeing people and helping them with their problems. I always kept my private life separate from the work that God and the angels ask me to do. For the most part, people who came to see me were not aware of my loss. However, a few did find out and they were very kind. I received cards of sympathy from people who had come to see me – despite the many problems they had of their own.

  It was a very difficult time for me, but long walks in the grounds of Maynooth College helped. I would walk around, visit the church and walk along the long corridors of the college, looking at the pictures of young men who had become priests. I talked to Joe often and I asked him how he was keeping. I told him how the children were doing and laughed with him, saying, 'I know you know how they are doing anyway!' I could feel him walking beside me. One particular day, some months after Joe's death, I was finding it really hard to cope. I had seen several people that day and some of them had really tough problems – seriously ill children and very difficult situations. I was exhausted and distressed after they left and so I went out of the house and walked towards the college grounds. I would always wait until I went through the gates to talk to God about the things that people had come to me about; their hurt and pain and also their joy. I would walk around and talk to God about their problems and the problems of the world, asking, 'Can you not work a miracle?'

  This day I was finding it hard to cope, and I shared a litt
le with my guardian angel and with God. I told them I was feeling really down in myself.

  Even now I can remember that day; walking through the college grounds, feeling the cold breeze, the rain hitting me in the face. I had no gloves and my hands were cold, I kept my hands in my pockets, and I could feel the little prayer book I had in one of them. I remember having to avoid potholes on the circuit of paths at the back of the college, because they were full of rainwater and leaves that had fallen off the trees. I watched people passing by, including a priest who often walked there saying his prayers. I smiled at him and kept going. On another of the paths I could see a mother out running with a pram. She would run and then stop and then walk very fast, and then run again.

  I came around the bend of one of the pathways, and there were big trees on my right and an open green and a graveyard with a big cross to the left. As I passed the graveyard I was talking to God about how I was feeling. I told him, 'I don't think I can go on, I really need some help from You, my God and from Your Angels. If you don't help me, I don't know how I'm going to keep going.'

  I took another right turn and directly in front of me, facing me was the big old college building. I could see it clearly. Then the strangest thing happened: as I looked towards the college, directly above this beautiful old building, in the distance and far up the sky filled with angels. They were very far away. At first I wasn't sure they were angels. I kept looking and saying to myself, 'What else could they be?'When they got closer and closer, flying over the college, I was left in no doubt. They got bigger and bigger until they were enormous in size. They descended and got even closer. They were so beautiful – all gold and white. Their wings were an enormous size, magnificent, powerful and beautiful, they took my breath away. I laughed and cried, my body was trembling.

  'You have really given me something special!' I said. 'You are lifting my soul and my heart. I realise now that, no matter how bad things are, there is a reason for this life: a reason to live, a reason for joy and happiness and even our tears have meaning!'