Touch
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“Seriously. What the fuck is going on? Why are these invitations in your car and not mailed out?”
I have no answer for her. She gets out of the car and slams the door shut. I watch her walk inside and I know I should go after her. It’s my responsibility to fix this. Instead, I put the car in reverse and drive away. Away from my condo, away from the pressures of this wedding. I need to think. I head to the neighborhood park even though it will be getting dark soon. Surrounding myself in nature always puts things into perspective for me. I find a weeping willow and sit underneath it. I make a mental list of everything I love about Alison. She’s smart, ambitious, focused, and knows what she wants. She’s attractive, fit, and cares about me. She’s perfect on paper. So why am I so hesitant to commit myself to her? Why haven’t I mailed out our invitations? What has changed in my life to make me rethink my decisions? I hate that Stone pops into my head. It’s not her. It’s everything else that has happened lately. My getaway weekend in New York was all about me and it was fantastic. I didn’t have to check in or worry if somebody else was having a good time. I only had to think about myself. I felt so free and alive for the first time in years. I wore what I wanted and drank more than I should have, but when was the last time I did that? When was the last time I let go? I feel my phone buzz.
Are you coming home?
I look at the time. I’ve been sitting here for over two hours. How is that even possible? I wait. I don’t know how to answer her. It doesn’t feel like home.
I will be there soon.
I sigh and lean back against the tree. I know what I have to do, I just don’t want to do it.
* * *
I open the door quietly, a part of me hoping that Alison isn’t waiting for me, but I know she is. She walks into the living room and sits on the couch. I sit in the chair across from her.
“Please tell me what’s going on.” She can’t even look me in the eye.
“I love you, Alison. I really do. I love the idea of us, our life. It’s just that even though I love you, I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.” I feel awful, but I need to get it out. I watch as the tears start falling down her cheeks. I feel them on mine as well. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say or do to another person. You are so beautiful inside and out. You will make somebody so very happy. I thought that was me, but now I just don’t think so.” She cries harder. So do I.
“When did you decide you no longer loved me?” She waves her hands at me when she sees my reaction. “Wait. When did you decide you were no longer in love with me?” I stand and start pacing.
“I honestly don’t know. On paper and in life, we look fantastic. I just wish, with everything I am, that I felt it.” I stop in front of her and kneel down, touching her knees. That makes her sob. She reaches out to me and we stay like that, holding one another, until the tears stop.
“Is there anything I can do or say to change your mind?” she asks. I shake my head. I lean back so we can see one another. “So this is it? No waiting, just cut it off?”
I hadn’t thought that far. I didn’t know it would happen this quickly. “I think that would be best.”
“I’m going to lie down now. Can we talk about it later? I just need to shut it down for a bit.” She gets up slowly and stiffly walks back to the bedroom, our bedroom, and shuts the door. I sigh. I turn off the lights, lock the door, and head into the guest bedroom. This is going to be a very long night and I doubt I will sleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and hold the decorative pillow that Alison picked out. I’m not tired. I’m just numb. I strip down to my bra and panties and crawl under the covers. I know I won’t sleep, but I at least need to go through the motions.
Chapter Eleven
Well, this Alison I’ve never met. She’s slamming things around in the kitchen, making enough noise to ensure that I hear her. I sigh and get out of bed. I head into our bedroom for clean clothes, a hot shower, and a moment to regroup. My eyes feel like sandpaper from crying and lack of sleep. I stand under the hot stream of water until I feel the temperature of the water cool. I dry off and slip into sweats and a sweatshirt, dreading the inevitable waiting for me in the other room.
“I’m glad one of us was able to sleep late,” Alison says.
I stop from rolling my eyes. I also stop myself from correcting her. She’s not going to believe anything I say right now so I stay quiet. I pour myself a cup of coffee and take a seat at the table. She sits across from me.
“I know this isn’t easy, Alison. I didn’t wake up one day and decide I wanted out of this relationship.” I don’t look at her, but down at my coffee cup instead.
“You could have thought about this before we decided to plan a wedding.” She is brimming with anger and I don’t blame her.
“I’m glad I thought about this before we got married. It would have been harder six months from now,” I say.
“So I should thank you?”
I take a deep breath before I answer her. “No, you should be angry and upset with me like you are. I’m very sorry because I know this is heartbreaking and it’s going to be hard to tell everybody, but I think it is the right thing to do.”
“You mean for you. This is the right thing to do for you.” She stands and walks back into the kitchen.
“This is the right thing for us. You can’t tell me you’re happy with everything about us. I hate that your career comes first so often. I’m sure you get tired of hearing that. And you’re constantly trying to change me and how I live my life.” Last night, I thought this could be a clean break, but my anger is bubbling up and now it’s going to get ugly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says.
“My identity with you isn’t my own. It’s not Dr. Hayley Sims. It’s Dr. Alison Jansen’s fiancée. We only hang out with your friends. You never show interest in my work because what you do is far more important than what I do.” I wave my hands dramatically at her. “You change everything I do. I pick out furniture and you want something else. Our vacations are what you want. Even this wedding is all about you. I don’t want to live in someone’s shadow, Alison. I think I was just so excited to be with you that I forgot myself.”
“I don’t think it’s been all bad. I mean, we have a nice home, nice stuff,” she says.
I interrupt her. “Yeah, that you picked out. Don’t you see? Don’t you get it? I just don’t want to spend the next fifty years being in somebody’s shadow. I want my own life back and I know I’m not going to have it staying in this relationship.” She’s angry, but quiet so I know she’s processing everything I’ve said.
“You’re right. Everything you said is right. What if I promise to change? What if we start over and split all our decisions?” She sounds desperate. We both know I’m not going to change my mind and now I have to crush her again. I reach over and touch her hand.
“Alison, you will find somebody who’ll worship you and want to be the perfect woman for you. I just don’t think it’s going to be me.” She pulls her hand away and leans back in the chair. She looks horrible. I feel horrible.
“Well, then, what happens now? How do we tell people? What about your family?”
I hate that I’m taking away that relationship, but I have to stop trying to please everybody else around me. “I’ll call my parents today and tell them. Please don’t feel that this ends your relationship with them. They really do love you.”
She scoffs. “Sure. That’s great. Hey, Peg and Mark. How are you? I know Hayley has a new wife, but I wondered if you wanted to go to the lake this weekend? That just isn’t going to fly.”
I feel even worse. Alison has struggled trying to belong somewhere and finally found it with my family. Now I’m taking that away. “I can’t make you be friends with them. I know they will want to know how you are doing. I’m sure they will want to talk to you.” She starts crying again. Every tear I see rips my heart. She pulls back from the table.
“I’m taking a wee
“This is your place, Alison. It always has been. You don’t need to buy me out,” I say.
“You’ve put a lot of money into this place, too,” she says. I look around. It’s all things she picked out. I don’t want any of it. “I’m going to pack a bag. Just leave the keys when you’re done.” She stands up and stares at me for a long time. I can’t even make eye contact. I stare down at my coffee cup. She sighs and disappears into what was once our bedroom. Turns out I have nowhere to go and less than a week to get there.
Chapter Twelve
“You did what?” I can practically hear Gloria’s mouth drop over the phone.
“Yeah, I know. It’s completely ridiculous and crazy and I don’t know if I did the right thing, but I really need a few days off so that I can try to find a place to live and pack up some things. Alison is giving me a week.”
“Holy shit, Hayley. Are you sure about this?”
“Yes. Truly. It’s unfortunate that it took planning a wedding to see our flaws, but it’s the best thing for me.”
“Whatever you need. If you need more time, we can make that happen, too. Oh. Wait a minute. I know somebody who has a house she is trying to rent. It’s about ten minutes from the office. Do you want her information?” Gloria knows everybody, I’ve decided. Sometimes she is too good to be true.
“Do I even want to know how you know so many people?” I already know the answer. Pete, her husband, is in politics. He knows everybody, therefore, she does, too.
“Just call her. I mean, unless you want to move into an apartment somewhere.” I shudder at the possibility of living in a high-rise with twenty-somethings. My party days are over. I take down the woman’s information and promise Gloria I’ll be in touch with her over the next few days. She and Matt will handle my patients until then. I really do love my boss. I spend the next couple hours figuring out what I want to keep. Sadly, everything will probably fit in a small U-Haul truck. Most of the furniture will stay. I’ll keep a few end tables, some dishes, two lamps, items from the linen closet and the pantry, and all of my clothes. In other words, I need to go furniture shopping at some point. With the Dream Maker’s Fund-raiser coming up very soon, I really need to get my personal life in order so that I can concentrate on my professional one. At least that one is solid.
“Hi, Mrs. Dennis? My name is Hayley Sims. Gloria Bauer, my boss, said you might have a house for rent.” I feel my heart race.
“Hi, Ms. Sims. Yes, my parents’ house on thirty-fifth and Frye. They moved to Florida, but didn’t want to sell their house. It’s a two bedroom, plus an office, one and a half bath raised ranch with a single car garage. It’s in a very quiet neighborhood. Would you like to see it?” We agree upon a time later in the afternoon. My head is spinning at how fast my life is changing. I have to sit down. I put my head down and take a few breaths. I need to talk to my parents. I’m not one hundred percent certain that Alison hasn’t already called them. Another deep breath.
“Hey, Mom. How are you?”
“I’m good, sweetie. How are you?”
My heart is pounding. “Listen, I have something to tell you and Dad. Is he there with you?”
She puts me on speakerphone. “What’s going on?”
I hear the concern in her voice already. “I just wanted to let you both know that Alison and I broke up.” I cringe as I wait for their reaction.
“Oh no. What happened?” Mom asks.
“I realized that I was in the relationship more for her and less for me,” I say. “I know Alison—”
“Did she do something to you?” My mother’s voice is one octave higher than normal. She is not taking the news well.
“No, Mom. She’s fine. She’s a fantastic person, but she just isn’t the right one for me and—”
“Did something happen? Did she find somebody else? Wait, did you find somebody else?” Now my mom is kind of pissing me off. This is hard enough without her interrupting me.
“Nothing happened other than I realized I kind of forgot about myself the last few years.”
“Honey, we love you. We just want you to be happy,” Dad says. At least he is rooting for me. “So this has nothing to do with that nice girl we met in New York?”
“Oh, no, not at all. Rachel is a good friend and I had a lot of fun with her. More fun than if Alison was there, truthfully. She just reminded me that there is more for me out there.”
“Whatever you need. Do what your heart tells you to do. We will stand by you no matter what.” At least my dad understands me.
“Thanks, Dad. I know this is hard for Alison, too. Please don’t feel like you can’t talk to her. If you want to stay in touch, I completely understand. She is a great person.”
We talk for a few more minutes until my mother finally understands what I’ve been going through. By the time we hang up, they tell me they support me and my decision. It helps more than they will ever know. I feel a little bit lighter in the heart. I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and a little bit of makeup to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I don’t want to look like I’m an emotional wreck when I meet Mrs. Dennis.
* * *
The house is in a nice neighborhood. It’s a bit suburban for my tastes, but right now I can’t be too picky. It’s almost on the other side of town from where the condo is, so there is very little chance I will run into Alison. If we want to stay friendly, we need distance between us first. The rent isn’t steep and it’s close to the office. I sign a six month lease with the option to renew. My goal tomorrow will be acquiring furniture. I have a storage locker with an old dining room set and my grandfather’s desk. That will fill up some of the void.
By the time I’m back at the condo, it’s late. I sleep in the guest room again, only because the idea of sleeping in our bed makes me uncomfortable. I fall asleep almost immediately though, physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
Chapter Thirteen
“Your patients are so worried about you.” Gloria invites me into her office and I slump down in a chair.
“Thank you for taking them while I was out Monday and Tuesday. Are things going well for the fund-raiser on Friday?”
“Don’t worry about that. Let’s talk about you. How are you?” She hands me a cup of tea. “Are you settled in the rental?”
“No. The furniture will be delivered Saturday. I have the condo to myself until the weekend so I’ll just plan on staying there until after the fund-raiser.”
“Have you heard from Alison since she disappeared?”
I shake my head. “I know I did the right thing. I’m sad, but deep down I know that Alison was meant for someone else and someone else was meant for me.”
“You need to take care of you. Just don’t do anything you’ll regret. You know I’m behind you and support you,” she says. I’m glad that even though she’s my boss, she’s also a friend. I need one right now.
“I’m just relieved that I made the decision before we actually got married.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand reassuringly.
“Look, Gloria, I need another favor. This one you might not like.”
She leans forward and rests her elbows on the desk. “Hit me,” she says.
“I need you to take Stone.”
“Is she the reason why you and Alison broke up?” Her voice is a little bit higher, judgier, and I’m immediately on guard.
“Absolutely not. I just need to step away from her. Honestly, I’m attracted to her and I know that’s unprofessional. She’s been nothing but the exemplary patient. She works hard and does everything I tell her to do without bitching. She will be zero problem for you for the next few weeks until she is done.”
���I have to say, this surprises me, but I will gladly take her.” She sighs and leans back in her chair. “She’s been worried about you. She tries to play tough girl, but I know she’s concerned.”
My heart starts pounding and I wonder what she said about me. I try to play it off, but I still want answers. “What did she say? Anything specific? I mean, I feel bad and I don’t want Stone to think I’m blowing her off.” I try to relax my voice because I know I sound too eager.
“She asked if you’re okay and if you need anything from her, from us. She’s an adult. She understands things better than the kids. I just told her you are going through some personal stuff right now. She hasn’t pushed for more.”
I don’t want it to, but it stings. I wanted more of a response than a shoulder shrug from Stone. Does she even care? Have I been reading too much into our exchanges? I need to take a step back and clear my head.
“Thank you for this.” I stand up and head back to my office. My first patient isn’t due until nine and I still have to review the notes from the last few days. I feel drained. Emotionally beat up, but I also feel clean. Lighter than I was. By the time nine o’clock rolls around, I’m anxious to get back to my routine. My morning is fast paced and I almost forget to take a lunch, but Gloria orders the staff lunch and sits in my office with me to share a sandwich and chips. She probably thinks I don’t know what she’s doing. I’m thankful she’s making me eat because honestly, I can’t remember the last time I did.
My afternoon is speeding up and I’m antsy the closer it gets to three-thirty. Gloria gave me a new patient for my late afternoon slot since she is taking Stone. I’m actually excited about meeting Ava because she’s an infant and so far, my work has been mainly elementary age children. Ava will allow me to put my specialty training to work. Since Stone is in the main gymnasium now, I won’t run into her over here in one of the pediatrics therapy rooms. I actually jump out of my chair when Tina buzzes me to let me know the Sullivans are here with Ava. I take a deep breath because I’m wound too tight. I slip into professional therapist mode and welcome them to Elite. I’m itching to get my hands on this super cute baby. Born at two pounds, eight ounces, Ava, at nine months, is behind the other infants her age in motor skills so I will observe her today and work up a plan to increase muscle tone based on what I see.
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