Touch

by Kris Bryant

  “This is great. I’ve never been to a hockey game before.” Rachel stands next to me and we soak it all in.

  “Do you know anything about hockey at all?” I ask.

  “Not a damn thing. You’ll have to tell me what’s going on.”

  I almost laugh. I’ve found another lesbian who knows nothing about the sport. It’s too bad I can’t tell Stone that I’m not the only one. “I know there are three periods and that makes the game longer than I like. I know Stone’s a forward so she has the opportunity to score a lot. And I know that the goalie protects the net.”

  “Oh, so it’s like soccer. That’s easy enough,” she says.

  “You know more than I do, trust me.” I really do need to learn both sports. If someone like Rachel knows more about sports than I do, then I should abandon all extra-curricular activities and only study sports. Hell, I was even a therapist to athletes. I have no excuse.

  Rachel smiles at me and shakes her head. “Let’s grab a seat. The lights are getting crazy. Things are starting.”

  The crowd’s already yelling and screaming, anxious for the Gray Wolves to take to the ice. The cheerleaders form lines on either side of the entrance to the rink and each home player is introduced. When Stone skates out, the entire stadium roars. I can’t help but smile even though I don’t want to.

  “That’s her, right?” I nod. We both watch her zip around the rink. “She’s really fast.” She points to Stone’s picture in the program. “And really cute.” I can only nod. Seeing Stone so close, yet so far away really hurts. More than I thought. “And really tall.” She’s at least four or five inches taller than the rest of the team. They line up when a little girl sings a heartfelt rendition of the national anthem. I can’t keep my eyes off Stone. She looks hard, fierce, and ready to kill. Her jaw is clenched and her eyes bright and focused. “Scratch that to really pretty,” Rachel says after the crowd cheers the little singer.

  We sit down when the game starts. The Gray Wolves fall back on defense immediately. I can tell Stone is more comfortable with skating. She fouls within the first few minutes. And checks a few players. The coach pulls her out and she hits her stick on the side of the bench before she sits down.

  “She’s not happy about something.” I don’t realize I said it out loud until Rachel responds.

  “See? Maybe something is happening with her. If she’s already moved on, she wouldn’t be this angry. She would be fun and flirty, not aggressive and pissed off. We should stick around after the game to see what happens.”

  I shrug indifferently. At least Rachel doesn’t call my bullshit. She turns back to the ice and watches the game. I’m concentrating on Stone. I can’t see her face from this angle, but her body language speaks volumes. She’s not sitting close to the team, and she only has eyes for the game. I’m sad for her. I want to reach out and smooth the hard line on her forehead that I know is there without even seeing her face.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s Alison. What are you doing tomorrow?

  I don’t feel anxious anymore when she reaches out to me. Just annoyed.

  I have a friend in from out of town until tomorrow. She doesn’t need to know anything else about Rachel. Let her think what she wants.

  Can we do a late lunch or early dinner? Since we’ll be working together, I think it might be a good idea to bury the hatchet and try to be friends.

  That actually sounds like an okay idea. I’m still a little skeptical, but she does have a point. I know Gloria’s going to need me to help more so I agree on an early dinner. We decide to meet at a soup and sandwich shop downtown, a place neither of us has been to before. Neutral territory.

  “Who was that?” Rachel sits next to me after getting us each another beer.

  “Alison. She wants to do an early dinner to try to figure out how to get along since we’re going to be working together for the Holiday fund-raiser.”

  Rachel raises her eyebrows at me. “Are you okay with that?”

  I shrug. “I think. Our paths will cross from time to time so we’re going to have to start somewhere.”

  “Okay. If you want, I can hang around and go with you. Then we’ll know if she’s in it for friendship or more.”

  “Thanks, but I think I can handle it. I do appreciate the thought, but you can’t babysit me during our fundraising meetings over the next month or so.”

  “That makes me sad, but I agree. Just stay strong, okay? I know you aren’t going to get back with her, but just tread carefully, you know what I mean?” She reaches over and squeezes my knee in a reassuring way.

  “I promise. I like myself too much right now to get lost again. Even if I’m a little sad about Stone.”

  She puts her arm around my shoulders. “Hey, we’re here to cheer you up. I saw cake up there. I think we both deserve a piece.” We still have time before the third period starts so I follow her to the buffet table where they are serving coffee, brownies, cake, and freshly baked cookies.

  “This is fantastic. I’m so happy your parent company has a suite. I should see all the games from here.” The pampering we’ve received has been top notch.

  “Any time you want to come back, I’ll make a call.”

  We spend a few minutes talking with other guests in the suite before the start of the final period. The closer we get to the end of the game, the faster my heart beats and the sweatier my palms become. I don’t think we’ll see Stone after the game even though a part of me hopes that we do. The Gray Wolves take the ice and I lean forward when I see Stone. The crowd cheers as they make a final circle around the ice before taking the bench. Stone waves to the crowd, a huge smile on her face. The box we’re in is close enough to the ice for me to make out Stone’s features. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. Nobody else knows that though. She looks up and I know she sees me. I can feel it. For the briefest of moments, our eyes connect and I feel heat, passion, and sadness.

  “Did she just see you?” Rachel turns to me.

  I nod. “I think so. What should I do?”

  “Watch the game. Then go home. If she calls or texts you, then you know she saw you for sure and wants to be with you.” Rachel is too optimistic.

  “What if she doesn’t?”

  She reaches out for my hand. “Then you know it wasn’t meant to be. We’ll binge on ice cream and bad television, okay?”

  Stone starts the final period and she’s on fire. Within the first minute, she scores. I see her look up our way and I swear that point was for me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it makes me feel good, even if only for a second. She scores another goal within three minutes and looks at the box again. This time Rachel notices.

  “If she doesn’t call you tonight, I’ll be incredibly shocked,” she says. I don’t say it, but I will be, too. “If you want to, we can stay.”

  “No. You’re right. She knows I’m here. She can make the next move.” I stand and nod my head toward the door. Rachel smiles and follows me.

  “Now that is a definite statement. And I’m proud of you.” She locks her arm with mine and we head out early to beat the crowd. “I still don’t know if I should date a hockey player,” she says.

  “I’ll let you know tomorrow if it’s worth it.”

  Chapter Thirty-three

  “Thanks for meeting me.” Alison gives me a quick, albeit awkward hug and we grab a booth close to the window.

  “No problem. You look good,” I say. She does.

  “You look a little tired today.” I can tell she’s not being mean. “Did you have fun with your friend this weekend?” she asks.

  “Yeah, we stayed up too late last night and the night before. She’s the girl I met in New York that one weekend.” I regret saying that because it brings up a time when we were together, but I don’t want Alison to get the wrong idea. I know I look bad. I only slept a few hours. Stone never called, she never texted. I’m completely spent. I threw in the towel this morning. Rachel was very kind and supportive and promised to
hate hockey for the rest of her life when she left this morning. I’m going to visit her next month and we’re going on a shopping spree in the big city.

  “So, other than being tired, how have you been? How are your parents?”

  “I’m good. I’ve been staying busy at work. I have a few infants now as patients,” I say.

  “That’s great news. It’s what you’ve always wanted.” She seems so sincere that it’s easy to fall into a rhythm with her. We order a light dinner. She orders bread and a salad with creamy dressing on it. She rarely indulges. I don’t hold back and order the club sandwich with broccoli and cheese soup. It’s yummy and I savor every bite. I didn’t think I had an appetite.

  “My parents are doing well, too. Dad got a new car. They’ve just been doing normal, boring parent stuff. They are healthy and happy so that’s all that matters.”

  “Agreed. I’m glad they’re well.”

  Now that all of the niceties are done, I want to get down to business. “Now that we know the who, what, when, and where for the fund-raiser, we have to figure out the how. Does Regional have any decorations? I know we do, but they are all cartoony. Wait. Do we even have money in the budget for decorations?”

  “I’m sure we can work something out with someone. People aren’t usually jerks to hospitals and will work with us,” she says confidently.

  “People know hospitals have money. They might double the bill.”

  She laughs. “You’re probably right. We can make a list of things with Gloria on Thursday and see if she has any ideas. She’s done this a ton of times.”

  “That’s true. This is what she wants to do. That’s why she gave me her patients. She likes to do the behind the scenes stuff at Elite. I’m glad because I’d much rather deal with the patients,” I say.

  Alison orders us both small pieces of cake. I pretend to not want it for about three seconds, then greedily take the plate.

  “Thanks for meeting me, Hayley. I appreciate it. I know I probably seemed a little crazy showing up at your door a few weeks ago and I’m sorry for that,” she says.

  “I’m sorry I was a jerk. I really was busy that night.” I don’t feel the need to explain Stone, especially to Alison so I let it drop. Surprisingly, she doesn’t push for more information. I figured she’d be dying to know why a famous athlete showed up to collect me. I don’t ask her how she knew how to find me. I just don’t care anymore.

  * * *

  Gloria sits down with a steaming cup of coffee. “You met with Alison yesterday? How did that go?” It’s eight thirty Monday morning. She doles out the chocolate croissants she bought for us and we have a quick breakfast in my office. Coffee with her from eight thirty to eight forty five has become a daily ritual. The croissants are a new twist.

  “She was fine actually. Didn’t act needy or possessive. By the end of dinner, I felt like I just had dinner with a friend. Nothing more.”

  Gloria raises her eyes at me. “Really?”

  “She didn’t pump me for information on my life. Alison has heard about me spending time with two different women. I don’t know if I would have been so quiet if the roles were reversed.”

  “Back up. You’re dating two different women right now? How do I not know about this? I thought I was your best friend.”

  Well, now I’m going to have to come up with something and I hate lying, but I’m still a chicken shit and not ready to tell her the truth. Besides, if Stone and I are over, what’s the sense in telling her? “I’m not dating anybody right now.” This is true. “I told you about Rachel, the girl I met in the city when I went to New York with my parents? She came into town this past weekend and the other was also just a friend.” Okay, that part is a small lie, but only partly. Stone was my friend at the time, not officially a girlfriend, but more of a friend with benefits. I can justify a lot in my mind.

  “So you’re at least somewhat comfortable with Alison and coming to all of our meetings now, right?”

  “Yes, but please don’t make me the lead.”

  “Oh, Hayley. I would never do that to you. We’ll do the meeting Thursday and then you probably won’t see her until we have to decorate for the event. Does this mean you won’t have a date? Because there is a very cute and very single lesbian who works in Pete’s office that I think you might be interested in.”

  I hold up my hand to stop her. “No. No, you don’t. I’m a big girl and I can find my own dates, but thank you for thinking of me.” Suddenly, we’re in a staring contest. She should know better. She sighs and looks away first. “I win.”

  She busts out laughing and stands up. “There is a reason why you work so well with children. You’re nothing but a child yourself.”

  “One of us is a sore loser today.”

  She nods and shrugs. “What can I say? It’s Monday. Get back to work.”

  “Hey, Gloria?” She turns back from the doorway. “Thanks for breakfast and for always being a good friend.”

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Stone’s car is already in the practice arena parking lot along with two others. It’s six forty-five and I’m sitting in my car like a stalker, debating if I should go inside or not. What if the door is locked? She’s not going to be okay with me coming in, but I can’t stand this anymore. I need to know what happened. I take a deep breath and get out of my car. By the time I reach the door, my entire body feels heavy. I don’t want to know the truth, but I have to hear it directly from her.

  As quietly as I can, I open the door and slip inside. My heart tumbles and I have to grab the handrail when I see her. I don’t think I’m ready for this. My body is instantly hot. I unbutton my coat. I’m not good at confrontations, but the new me, the new and improved Hayley Sims, is going to confront my problems and issues head on, starting with Stone. I slip into the back near the bleachers and watch as Stone trains. She is as intense as ever. The dragon is on the ice today, just like she was last Saturday. I’m not worried about her leg, I’m worried about her demeanor. She is all sorts of angry and now I’m second guessing my decision. I should discreetly make my way to the door and slip out like I wasn’t even here.

  Someone steps into my sightline. “What are you doing in here? You can’t be in here.” Great. I’m being accosted by the custodian slash Zamboni driver. I quickly look over at Stone, but it’s too late. She sees us. So much for my inconspicuous exit.

  “I’m here to see Stone,” I say.

  He turns to Stone. “Are you expecting someone?”

  She stares at me for a few seconds. “It’s okay, Joe. Thanks for looking out. I should have mentioned somebody was dropping by.” She waits until he’s far enough away before she says anything. “What are you doing here, Doc?”

  Her guard is up. It’s going to be hard to get through to her. I stand firm. “I need to know why you blew me off. I’m not trying to act clingy, but you at least owe me an explanation. Especially after everything.” I emphasize that word. My fingernails dig into my palms. I stand there and wait. She answers me with a shrug. “Really? After everything, that’s what I get? A shrug? You told me you wanted this. You wanted a lasting relationship, something longer than one night. I wouldn’t have invested time or my heart into you.”

  Her expression wavers, but only for a moment. “Look, H—Doc. Some things just aren’t meant to be. This is a good time to move on for both of us. The season is hard because I’m gone every weekend and my practices are late so it just doesn’t make sense to start something.” Her eyes soften, at least I think. She looks down at her skates, then adjusts them.

  “Start something? Are you serious? I’m pretty sure we already started something. Maybe it’s different in your world, but once I sleep with somebody, I tend to be invested. Physically and emotionally. If you didn’t want this, us, you should have said something. Called me or stopped by just to cut it off completely instead of leaving me hanging.” I’m starting to tremble. That means I’m only a few minutes away from losing my shit and crying. She finally loo
ks at me.

  “You need somebody who can be there for you. I’m just not that person. I’m sorry if I led you on, but this is what’s best for both of us,” she says almost nonchalantly.

  “I’m so pissed at you. You don’t know what’s best for me.”

  “I might not know, but Alison said—” she stops talking.

  “Wait. What did you just say? Have you been talking to Alison? Behind my back?” I move so I’m directly in front of her. “What is going on?”

  “I know this sounds shitty, but Alison and I talked a few weeks ago. Everything she said made sense. I agree with her. I can’t give you what she or somebody who has a normal life can. At least not now,” she says.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Let me get this straight. You and my ex-fiancée got together to determine who gets me? What did you do? Flip a coin or something? Do my feelings not count for anything?” I’m livid. I’m one step away from screaming or throwing something. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry.

  “Hayley, calm down. It wasn’t like that.”

  “You’d better start explaining yourself.”

  She takes a deep breath. “Alison came to a game a few weeks ago and waited for me out in the parking lot. She pointed out all the reasons you shouldn’t be with me and they all made sense. You deserve someone who can be there for you all of the time. I’m gone five months out of the year. It’s not fair to you.”

  I point at her. “You do not get to decide what’s best for me. The only thing you get to do is decide if you want to date me or not date me, but it needs to be your decision, not somebody else’s. Do you know how hard this has been for me?”

  “I’m sorry. I really am. I never meant to hurt you,” she says.

  I stare at her for a long time. “So that’s it? Alison decides and you go along with it? That doesn’t sound like you at all. That’s weak. And a cop out. Just say it. I want to hear it come from you. Tell me you don’t want to be with me. Tell me you don’t want us.” I brush away my tears. I don’t even care that I’m crying in front of her. I want her to see what this decision has done to me. I want her to know how hurt I am.