Susan felt a stirring of disquiet as she was struck by how alone he looked.
She hadn’t really thought much about it when she’d awakened earlier and found him gone. Lying among the tangled sheets, her body still tender from the previous night’s lovemaking, she’d simply assumed he was answering a call of nature. Yet as the minutes ticked past—five, ten, twenty and then thirty—it had become clear that wherever he was, he wasn’t coming back anytime soon.
And still she hadn’t been concerned. He’d been so full of energy lately that it hadn’t seemed particularly odd that he might want to get an early start on the morning. So she’d stayed where she was a while longer before she finally climbed out from between the covers, slipped into her robe and made her way to the bathroom to freshen up.
When she walked into the kitchen, she’d expected to find him seated at the table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the morning paper.
Instead the room had been empty. Perplexed, she’d been about to retrace her steps in search of him when a slight movement out in the yard had caught her attention.
That’s when she’d seen him standing at the fence, half-naked and so starkly alone.
She bit her lip.
She supposed she ought to respect his privacy, pretend she hadn’t seen him and go back upstairs. Yet something inside her balked. She knew instinctively that something was bothering him; even if this wasn’t the very first time he’d ever left her to wake up on her own, she could see the tension in the rigid set of his shoulders. Besides, his self-imposed isolation simply felt all wrong.
Almost instantly, she found herself thinking about the previous day, about his silence after her doctor visit and the reason he’d given for it. At the time, his explanation had held the ring of truth. But now she wasn’t so sure. Did he regret that he wasn’t having this child with Teresa?
No, she decided a moment later If that was how he truly felt, she was sure that somehow she would have known it. Sterling might not talk readily about his feelings, but he wasn’t one to dissemble. She would have sensed his regret, or seen some sign of withdrawal.
And that certainly hadn’t been the case last night, she thought, reassured as she recalled the urgency of his lovemaking.
But if that wasn’t the problem, then what was?
She reviewed the rest of the evening. It didn’t take long before she realized that the only other thing that had made last night different was that she’d finally told Sterling she loved him.
Her heart twisted in her chest.
She told herself sternly to stop borrowing trouble. After all, why would he find that disturbing? It wasn’t as if she expected anything from him. And it wasn’t as if she’d broken a promise or something...
Stop it, ordered a little voice in her head. This isn’t accomplishing anything. Chances are, the one has nothing to do with the other. For all you know, he’s out there thinking about some thorny business deal. Or he’s simply admiring the sunrise.
But she’d never know if she stayed where she was.
Drawing herself up, she pulled the tie on her robe a little tighter and moved purposefully to the door. She pushed it open.
As she’d expected, it was cool outside. It was also very quiet. The same breeze that would be a steady rush by afternoon was now just barely stirring. And the only other sounds to be heard were the swish of the sprinklers running in a far pasture and the soft coo of the birds lodged in the trees out by the lake.
She crossed the patio and started across the lawn, trying to decide how to announce her presence only to find she didn’t have to worry about it. As had happened several times in the past, when she was still several feet away Sterling seemed to know she was there. His head came up and he swiveled around. He gave her a brief look, then abruptly twisted back around.
His lack of a greeting spoke volumes.
Nevertheless, as she moved up beside him, she tried to pretend that everything was fine. “Hi,” she said softly.
For a moment he said nothing. Then, still not looking at her, he said flatly, “What are you doing out here?”
She winced at his tone and forced herself to keep her own voice light. “I woke up and you were gone. When I came downstairs, I saw you from the window.” She carefully rubbed Cassie’s nose as the mare ambled over in greeting.
He shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“That’s what I thought. Have you been up long?”
“Long enough.”
There seemed no way to respond to that. She fell silent, fighting a sudden, overwhelming urge to retreat to the house, to respect his obvious desire to be left alone. And to avoid the confrontation that seemed to be brewing.
It was exactly what she would have done a month ago. Before she got pregnant. Before she got married.
Yet she wanted more for her child than a mother who was a coward, she reminded herself. Just as she wanted to be the best wife to Sterling she possibly could. And—she took a deep breath—she had a right to an explanation. After all, where would they be in the future if she let him shut her out the very first time there was a problem?
Gently she pushed Cassie away. “Sterling? What’s the matter?”
He was quiet so long she didn’t think he was going to answer. Finally however, he said, “Nothing.”
“I see.” She considered, then deliberately reached out and laid her hand on the hollow at the base of his spine. “Then come back to bed with me.”
A muscle ticked to life in his jaw and he shook his head. “No. Not now.”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
His skin was warm and she slipped her hand a little lower. “Because why?”
He stiffened. “Don’t, Susan.”
“Don’t what?”
Abruptly he turned to face her, dislodging her hand. “Don’t push. It won’t do any good.”
“Then tell me what the problem is,” she said quietly.
He gave her a long look, his gray eyes impossible to read. He seemed to come to some kind of decision. “All right. It’s me.” He shifted his gaze, back out to the horizon. “I made a mistake. I let my desire for you get the best of my judgment, and I shouldn’t have. I screwed up.”
She answered without thinking. “No, you didn’t—”
“Yeah, I did.” His voice completely lacked emotion. “I knew you didn’t have any experience. I knew you were too trusting, that you didn’t have the kind of sophistication it takes to give your body to someone without thinking your heart was engaged. But I wanted you. And when you came and offered yourself to me, I convinced myself it would be okay.”
“And it is,” she said quickly. “I’ve never been so happy—”
“Maybe. But it won’t last. It can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” he said almost gently, “you don’t know me. Not really. Once you do, you’ll understand.”
“I know what I need to,” she said firmly.
He shoved a hand through his hair with frustration. “No, you don’t, Susan. Remember when you asked me if it bothered me that you were having my baby instead of Teresa? Well, I told you the truth—as far as it went. What I didn’t say was that having a child was never my priority. It was important to Teresa,” he stressed “Not me. I’d have been happy to adopt. Or have it be just the two of us. But that wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t enough for her.”
Susan stared at him in dismay. And even as she decided that Teresa must have been a very stupid woman, an ache blossomed in her heart for his pain. He was a proud man, and such a rejection must have struck him hard. “But surely you can see that that’s her problem. Her loss.”
His expression turned sardonic. “I don’t think so. I seem to have that effect on people.” Seeing her open her mouth to protest, his face suddenly twisted. “Look—I’m sure you’ve caught on that my mother and I aren’t exactly tight. That’s because, try as she might, she never could warm up to me. Oh, she went through the motions, and s
he did her best to provide for me, but it was always duty, never love, and I knew it. Kids do.” He shrugged. “That’s just the way it was.”
The ache in her heart intensified, but she knew better than to say anything. Later, she’d think about his mother, just as she’d let herself mourn for the child he’d been. But right now the look on his face warned that at the first sign of sympathy—which he’d no doubt mistake for pity—he’d close down and shut her out. “So? I’m not her. And I’m not Teresa—”
“Yeah, you’re right. But you’re also not me. And the bottom line is, I’ve learned my lesson. Love just isn’t for me.”
She struggled to hold onto her calm. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“It means you’re a beautiful woman. You’ve got a good heart, and a lot of fine qualities that I admire, and I’m real glad you’re going to be the mother of my child. If I was going to love anyone, it would be you. But I just don’t have it in me. Not anymore.”
Susan stared at him in disbelief. “But that doesn’t make any sense. You have so much to give—”
“No. Not that way. Not anymore.”
For a second she was so stunned, it was hard to take in what he was saying. She swallowed. “So what do you propose we do?”
“I think we need to take a step back. The reason we got married is so our baby would have a shot at a stable home with two parents to raise it—and that hasn’t changed. I think we need to let things cool off and put the focus back on our being parents.”
Susan gave him a long look, certain he couldn’t be serious. “Just—just like that?”
“Yeah.” It was clear from the stubborn set of his jaw that he meant it.
“But surely you can see—I can’t just turn off what I feel for you like I would a spigot.”
“You won’t know until you try.” Clearly done with the conversation, Sterling turned away and resumed his contemplation of the far horizon.
She looked up at his shuttered face. Feeling dazed, she realized she couldn’t think what more to say.
She turned and walked away.
Sterling continued to stand at the fence long after Susan had gone. As the sun slowly rose higher, he began to feel the warmth of its rays against his face and chest
Inside, however, he felt frozen. And it had nothing to do with the temperature.
He’d done the right thing, he told himself fiercely. Susan might not know it now, but later, when she got some perspective, she’d realize he’d done her a big favor. Better that she suffer a small hurt now rather than a bigger one later.
I love you, Sterling.
All right, he’d made a mistake, he conceded. He should have leveled with her from the start. But he was thirty-five years old and he couldn’t change who or what he was. He’d done what he thought was best then, just as he was doing what he thought was best now.
The thing to remember was how much worse it would be if he’d let it go on.
He sighed, suddenly consumed with exhaustion.
Now all he had to do was figure out how to live with this crushing emptiness.
Eleven
“I don’t want you to worry,” Susan told Clarry, as the child escorted her and Sterling out of the Moran’s house and to the truck. The afternoon sun sparkled on the vehicle’s windows, while overhead not a cloud marred the vast baby-blue sky. “I promise we’ll take good care of Rosie.”
“Oh, I’m not worried. I trust Mr. Church.” The little girl beamed devotedly at Sterling. “I know he’ll love her and be the bestest dog owner ever. That’s why I wanted him to have her. Oh, and you, too, Mrs. Church,” she added artlessly.
The irony of the child’s absolute faith in a certain tycoon wasn’t lost on Susan. She glanced over at the man in question. To her surprise, instead of avoiding her gaze the way he had for the past five days, he was watching her, a brooding look on his face.
The moment their eyes met, however, he looked away. “Well, we’d better get going,” he said with deliberate heartiness. Reaching over, he opened the pickup’s passenger door, then stood back and waited. Susan swallowed a sigh, climbed in and fastened her seat belt.
She watched as he mustered a smile, waited for Clarry to give Rosie one last kiss, then gently took the dog from the child’s arms and handed the small animal to her. He shut the door without a word and gave Clarry’s shoulder a final squeeze, before coming around the truck’s hood and climbing into the driver’s seat. The smile was gone from his face when he glanced at her. “You ready?”
She settled Rosie more securely on her lap. “Yes.”
Facing forward, he started the truck and put it in gear. The second they cleared the yard, he reached for his cell phone, punched in a number and brought the instrument to his ear.
So much for taking a step back, Susan thought bleakly. This was the first time they’d been alone since that morning out by the fence, and so far it had counted for nothing. Sterling had spent every minute of the drive over on the phone, issuing instructions to an array of assistants. Now it appeared the drive home was going to be spent the same way.
He’d retreated so completely they might as well be living in separate countries.
She stared blindly out the window, feeling as desolate as the scenery flashing past. Except for the period after she’d lost her parents, the past few days had been the longest of her life. Although she was finally over the worst of her shock at Sterling’s abrupt withdrawal, it seemed as if all she could do was think about him and what he’d said.
She’d analyzed, weighed, considered and replayed every moment they’d ever spent together, only to confirm what she’d known in her heart all along.
He was wrong. Not just about the permanency of what she felt for him, she thought, idly petting Rosie’s bumpy little spine. But about himself.
The man she knew wasn’t incapable of love. Far from it. He might not carry his heart on his sleeve, but his actions spoke volumes. He was gentle, generous, responsible and caring. And no matter what he said, she knew he loved his home, his horses and his young friend Clarry. More than that, he loved a child that wasn’t even born yet and—although he might refuse to admit, even to himself—she believed he loved her, at least a little. And though she felt both anger and anguish at what his mother and his ex-wife had put him through, allowing it to ruin their future together was wrong.
Of course, he was also incredibly stubborn. Each time she’d tried to talk to him this week, he’d made an excuse and bolted. And even so, she couldn’t shake the idea that if they just spent some time together, he’d come to his senses and see how his actions were hurting them both.
She glanced over as he ended his call, then predictably began to dial another number. She bit her lip. If she had any moxie at all, she’d grab the thing and toss it out the window.
“Please don’t,” she said instead.
His hand froze in midmotion. He glanced over at her. “Sorry,” he said levelly. “But I’ve got some business I have to take care of.”
“I don’t doubt you do. But we need to talk.”
“I’m sure whatever it is can wait—”
“No, Sterling, it can’t.”
He was silent a moment. “All right,” he said finally. He flipped the phone shut and set it down on the console. “What is it you have to say?”
She turned toward him. “That I miss you. And that I can’t go on like this, not talking, never seeing you—”
“Come on, Susan, you’re overreacting. It hasn’t been that long. And I can’t help it if I’m busy. I let some things slide with the business to spend time with you last week and now I have to make up for it.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “Are you saying it’s my fault I haven’t seen you?”
“Of course not. Just give it some time—”
“No.” The puppy squirmed restlessly, as if sensing her distress. “I don’t want to.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel, but his voice was excessively reasonable.
“Look, I thought we agreed to take a step back, to reassess.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t agree to anything, Sterling. You made the decision, just like you decided we were going to get married and if we could be friends and whether or not we were going to make love. Besides—” try as she might, she couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice “—this isn’t a step back. It’s the biggest disappearing act since Houdini.”
His jaw bunched. “All right. Maybe I overdid it. But I was just trying to make things easier for you. I thought you’d want some space. If that’s not the case, I’m sorry.”
She felt a stirring of hope and her voice softened. “Then prove it. Spend the rest of the day with me. We can swim or rent a movie or go down to the barn and spend some time with the horses. I’ll fix dinner and—”
“No.” He looked over at her and then quickly away. “I can’t. I’ve got some paperwork to go over, and I’ve already made plans for dinner at the Cattleman’s Club.”
“I see,” she said slowly. And she did. Despite everything she’d just said, he was making a deliberate choice to shut her out the same way he had in the past. She gathered Rosie a little closer, suddenly in need of comfort. “You’re not even going to try, are you?”
“Try what?”
“To give our relationship a chance.”
His whole body tensed. “Dammit, I told you before, I just...can’t.”
“Oh, Sterling, even Clarry knows you better than that! I know you’ve been hurt, but if you could just reach down and find it in you to give us a chance...”
His face might have been carved from granite. “I’ve said I’m sorry. I’ll try to watch my schedule. Other than that, I don’t know what you expect me to do.”
She considered his unyielding expression. It didn’t take her long to see that it was no use—an opinion that was confirmed when he broke the ensuing silence with a faintly exasperated sigh.
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