A Family This Christmas

by MacKay, Sue

  By the time the boys bounced outside to shout good morning she was none the wiser about how to handle the situation. Her mind had been focused entirely on the man she was leaving behind. Cameron had been responsible for her new, improved outlook on life. He’d made her feel again. And feeling led back to hurting. This time the pain was self-inflicted.

  ‘Jenny, you haven’t forgotten the carols on the marina next week, have you?’ Andrew stood directly in front of her.

  Her heart dropped to her stomach.

  Marcus added, ‘You will wear that Santa’s hat I made specially, won’t you?’

  Nausea raced up her throat. Slapping a hand over her mouth, she dug deep to keep her stomach from tossing her tea at the twins’ feet. Twisting her head from side to side, she waited until she knew her voice box would work in some semblance of normal.

  ‘Why’s your bag on the step?’ Marcus asked.

  Andrew spun around to see what his brother was talking about, spun back. ‘Where are you going? Can we come?’

  Cam cleared his throat. ‘Boys, Jenny has to go home today.’

  Gratitude for his intervention was instantly replaced by remorse. He sounded like he was talking through a waterfall, all distorted and deep. She opened her mouth, tentatively tried to speak. ‘I’m so sorry, Andrew, Marcus.’ Her mouth snapped shut. Try again. That’s not enough. Her chest rose as she breathed deep.

  ‘It’s time for me to go home.’ Now, there was a lie. She didn’t have a home. This house had been as close as she’d been to having a home for so long that nowhere else seemed right. As the boys’ mouths opened to state the inevitable, she quickly continued. ‘I only stayed while my ankle got better. Now I have to find a job and go and see my parents.’ Suddenly that left field idea seemed the right thing to do. Go back to Dunedin and mend some bridges with Mum and Dad before deciding where she’d go next.

  ‘But we don’t—’

  ‘Want you to go.’

  Tears tracked down two small, dismayed faces. Tears that broke her heart all over again. ‘I have to.’ One day they’d see she’d done the right thing by them. Reaching forward, she dragged the boys into a hug. But they weren’t having any of that. They pulled free and ran to stand beside Cam.

  ‘Tell her, Dad.’

  ‘She can’t go.’

  He placed a hand on each boy’s shoulder. ‘Sorry, guys, but Jenny is going.’ The eyes that locked with hers chilled her right to the bone.

  Standing, she made it to the step and hoisted her bag over her shoulder. Clumping down to the path, she tried to walk away without looking back, but her feet seemed glued to the concrete. Turning, she looked up at Cam, devouring every line of his beautiful face, storing images in her head for those long, lonely nights that would become a part of her life again. ‘Goodbye, Cam. Goodbye, Marcus. Goodbye, Andrew.’ If her heart hadn’t already broken into a million pieces back there on the deck, it would’ve completely vaporised now.

  *

  At the corner of their street Cam hugged his boys to him and cursed Jenny for their tears. Andrew and Marcus had insisted they wave to Jenny as the bus went past, but there hadn’t been any answering wave from inside the vehicle as it had sped by. Had she deliberately ignored them? Or had she sat on the far side so she wouldn’t know if they’d come to see her off?

  ‘Come on, guys. Let’s go home.’

  The bus slowed and he held his breath. Had Jenny changed her mind? Would the door open and Jenny hop out, yelling she’d made a mistake and asking if he’d let her stay on? Yeah, and what would your answer be? Because if she stayed the possibility of rerunning this scene would always be there. Jenny couldn’t commit. Oh, and you can? Did you once tell her how you feel about her? Despite the heat in the day already cranking up, Cam shivered. He was looking out for his kids. Excuses, excuses.

  A dog ran across the road in front of the bus. The bus sped up. Jenny hadn’t stopped the driver. A damned dog had.

  ‘Breakfast-time then you can get ready for school and the class picnic.’ He nudged the boys towards home.

  ‘I don’t want to go.’ Andrew stamped his foot.

  ‘It won’t be fun without Jenny.’ Marcus added his say.

  You’re not wrong there, my boy. ‘We’ll make it fun, our fun, like we always have.’ Ouch. That was it, really. They’d been full circle and were now back to where they’d been a couple of weeks ago. The three of them. ‘It’s the last week of the term, remember? That’s got to be good.’

  Disbelief at his statement blinked out at him from two identical pairs of eyes. ‘Yes, Dad.’ Their voices were flat, beaten.

  His heart crunched. Damn it. Jenny had won him over without even trying. Hard to believe how easily, in fact. ‘We won’t be beaten.’ Neither boy understood what he meant but he did. ‘Let’s go. We’ll have pancakes with syrup.’ He’d clean up the resulting mess tonight.

  ‘Yes, Dad.’ At least there was some enthusiasm in their voices this time. Some was better than none. Just.

  Note to self: keep my boys busy so that they don’t get too gloomy over Jenny’s leaving.

  Second note to self: keep myself busy so that I don’t get too gloomy over Jenny’s leaving.

  *

  Note to self: ignore all notes to myself.

  Since watching Jenny’s bus roll through Havelock, Cam had been through one of the longest weeks of his life.

  Getting Jenny out of his head, out of his system, had proved to be impossible. He missed her so much it was agony.

  So call her. Tell her exactly that.

  Sure. That would work—until she left again. The boys weren’t coping, moping around the place like someone had stolen their favourite toys. Hell, not even Christmas, only days away, was exciting them.

  ‘Dad…’

  ‘Yes?’ Cam clipped the lids on the boys’ lunchboxes and glanced at his watch. He’d forgotten to make the lunches last night after getting home from having dinner with Amanda and her family. Forgotten. That never happened.

  ‘Did Jenny find her mojo?’ Andrew stared up at him.

  He suspected that was the last thing she’d found after all. ‘I don’t think so, guys.’

  ‘If we keep looking and find it, will she come back?’

  ‘We miss her.’

  Me, too. He cleared his throat. ‘Me, too.’ More than he’d have believed. ‘Jenny has lots of things worrying her at the moment.’

  ‘Did you ask her to stay?’ Andrew kicked the stool.

  ‘No.’ I was afraid of hurting you both further down the track. ‘Guys, you have to understand you can’t make a person stay if they don’t want to.’

  ‘How do you know she didn’t want to if you didn’t ask her?’

  Since when had Marcus got so smart? ‘I…’

  I don’t know. Jenny was adamant she had to go and I was adamant I had to protect you two so I never considered asking if there was some way we could get around her problems and make it work for all of us.

  ‘But where will she have Christmas?’

  ‘At school we made her a box to put her mojo in when she finds it. We don’t want her to lose it again.’

  ‘Can we wrap it in Christmas paper?’

  Cam sat down hard on the stool. They’d made a box for Jenny. So they hadn’t given up on her returning.

  You have. You gave up before she even left. Same as when Margaret wanted to go find herself. Back then you put the boys first and let her break your heart. Exactly what you’ve done again. Only this time it feels as though you’ve lost more than the mother of your children. It feels—feels like half of you has disappeared.

  ‘A box is a cool idea, guys. We’ll find a way to get it to her.’

  I’ll make sure of that, and maybe I could put my heart in it so she knows what she means to me.

  After the boys were tucked up for the night Cam sat down with his cell and pressed Jenny’s number. His gut tightened as he listened to her voice-mail. Her soft southern lilt tore him apart. When the messag
e ended he pressed redial, listened again, and left a message, asking her to call.

  An hour later when his phone hadn’t rung and he’d checked a dozen times to make sure the battery wasn’t flat, he tapped his computer to life and sent her an email.

  Hey, there, wondering how you’re doing? The boys are on countdown to Christmas. They…

  He tapped backspace four times.

  We miss you.

  Hugs, Cam, Andrew and Marcus.

  At one o’clock he gave up pretending she would answer and dragged himself off to bed. In the morning he’d try again.

  Same result.

  Lunchtime—same result.

  Cam came to a decision. He wanted Jenny back in his life. He’d risk everything, even rejection, to achieve that, would fight with everything he had to win her back.

  Dearest Jenny.

  I love you. I think I have from the moment I found you sprawled on the path at my gate. If the way my heart went crazy is an indicator then yes, I did. You looked so beautiful, even when your face was contorted with pain. I wanted to run my hands through that silken hair spilling everywhere. I couldn’t take your pain away but believe me, if I could have, I would have. I didn’t want to ask you to stay with us but I couldn’t stop myself. You were already weaving your way into my soul. I wanted to get to know you, to share some time with you, to laugh and talk together.

  And now I have, I miss you so much. It’s like someone took a chainsaw and cut me down the middle. I’m not complete.

  You’re fun, serious, genuine, caring. You even started learning to cook—for us.

  Cam hesitated, wiped the sweat off his brow.

  There’s a place for you here, by my side, in my life and heart, with my sons. There’s a niche for you in Havelock, too, if the number of times people stop me to ask after you is a clue. Can you find it in your heart to return? To join us? To join me? For ever?

  I understand how difficult life has been for you since the accident that took Alison’s life. I’d like to help you continue to get on your feet. I’m prepared to chance it that you might one day wake up and realise you’d made a mistake and leave us.

  Another swipe at his brow. This baring his soul wasn’t easy. But at least he was trying, and it was a little easier than it would be to say these things out loud to her.

  Jenny, I love you. Please come home.

  Click. Send.

  For a long time he sat staring at the computer, willing his heart rate to slow to normal. He’d done it, told Jenny everything he felt, and now all he could do was wait. She might never answer, but he had given his all and tried.

  ‘Dad, we’re bored.’

  ‘Now, there’s something new.’ Cam unfolded from the chair and stood up. He had the afternoon off. Spending time doing something with the boys would help pass the hours until he could hope to get a reply from Jenny. ‘Okay, guys, let’s go get our Christmas tree from the pine forest.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Cool.’

  At least he’d made them happy about something.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CAM STARED AT the Christmas tree standing in its pot in the corner of the lounge, decorated so heavily only the pine scent and some fallen needles gave a clue to the type of tree it was. The boys had gone overboard in their enthusiasm for hanging baubles and velvet reindeer pulling miniature sleighs. Each had tried to outdo the other with their creativity. When they’d finished they’d placed the one parcel in the house that was ready to go underneath the branches.

  A present for Jenny. The box they’d lovingly put together and painted at school.

  Cam could feel his heart breaking all over again. Jenny had stolen three hearts in this household.

  Well, there was nothing he could do about Jenny right now. If he didn’t hear from her soon he might have to resort to tracking her parents down in Dunedin and try coercing her whereabouts out of them. He wouldn’t give up in a hurry that was for sure.

  He glanced at his watch and groaned. Might as well prepare dinner. In the kitchen Cam stared at the mince defrosting on the bench. His mouth soured. Mince. Patties. Same old, same old. Just the thought of cooking turned his stomach.

  ‘Can we have fish and chips tonight?’ Marcus had to be on the same wavelength. ‘I’m sick of patties.’

  ‘Why not? I’ll phone Diane and put in an order.’ Decision made, as easy as that.

  ‘Can we go and get them?’

  ‘On our own?’

  ‘Sure.’ The shop was only four hundred metres away and it wasn’t as though Havelock was a den of iniquity. Kids were always visiting the shops. ‘Let me phone first.’

  While the boys were away Cam started to clear away the clutter that had accumulated over the day. One day he might manage to train the boys to put things away as they finished with them. Maybe.

  Jenny had seemed to get them to do things so easily. Had she been a novelty? Had they been trying to impress her to stay?

  Round and round went the questions that had no answers. Where are you, Jenny? Dunedin? Or back on the road, this time in a bus, stopping wherever? She still had to collect her car someday, and hopefully he’d be around when she did. There again, after that email she might wait until he was working at the Blenheim clinic before dropping by here.

  ‘To hell with this.’ Tossing two pairs of sports shoes in the shoe basket in the laundry, he headed for the fridge and an ice-cold beer. Out on the deck he sipped from the bottle and stared around his empty yard, and cringed. There was nothing wrong with Havelock, his home or his family. But there had to be more to life. A life with Jenny in it for starters. ‘Where is she?’

  The front door crashed open. ‘Dad, got the fish and chips.’ The boys bundled out on to the deck. Then, ‘We saw Jenny in the bakery.’

  His heart stopped. The bottle of beer fell from a lifeless hand. It was happening all over again. But this time the apparition Marcus and Andrew were seeing was Jenny. Not their mother. Pain and shock slammed through him, kicked at his heart, made it pound against his ribs and send deafening thuds to his ears. Shaking his head, he held his arms out to the twins. ‘No. No, you didn’t. Jenny’s gone. You have to accept that.’

  ‘No, Dad. She hasn’t.’

  ‘It’s true. We saw her.’

  This was bad. How did he make them understand that no matter how hard they tried they couldn’t wish anyone they wanted back into their lives? His chest rose as his lungs filled with much-needed oxygen.

  ‘They’re not making me up. I am here.’

  The air whooshed out of his lungs. His head spun round so fast he felt giddy. ‘Jenny? Is that really you?’ Who else had red hair that made the day so bright? Who else had such a sweet, heart-melting smile that warmed him to his toes? What other woman could look so beautiful while looking apprehensive? ‘Jenny.’

  ‘I got your email.’

  Suddenly—who knew how?—he was in front of this woman who’d stolen his heart and reaching for her, covering her mouth with his. Words were beyond him.

  When her hands locked at the back of his neck and her breasts pressed against his chest, he prayed that this was true, that he hadn’t taken to seeing and feeling apparitions the same way his sons did. Pulling his head back, he stared into those suck-him-in green eyes that had swamped his dreams every night since that day she’d landed in his life. ‘You came.’ For him? Them all? Then a shocking idea struck. For her car?

  But she still had that cast on, was wearing the biggest, brightest smile he’d ever seen, and her eyes were full of—? Love? For him? And, if he needed more convincing, hadn’t she kissed him back a moment ago?

  ‘Yes, Cameron, I came back. That email choked me up. You never said a tenth of any of that when I said I was going.’

  ‘I’m not good at verbalising.’

  She just grinned at him. ‘I know. A real man doesn’t say he loves a woman, he shows her. I should’ve read the manual before I left. But then again I didn’t tell you how much I love you either.�
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  He started to lean closer to that delectable mouth again, but it seemed Jenny hadn’t finished.

  ‘You also reiterated what I’d already begun to see for myself. I was running from the best thing that had ever happened to me—you and the boys. A family. A man who loves me regardless of what I’ve been or who I’ll become. A man who had the patience and love to help me through last week and to open my eyes to more than I believed I deserved.’

  Then I got it right. The sweat and pain had been worth every drop, and then some. ‘Seems you don’t have any trouble telling me what’s on your mind.’ Covering her mouth, he shut up any more words she might have lurking in there. He’d heard what he needed to hear for now. Jenny was back.

  ‘Dad, is Jenny staying?’

  ‘Jenny, will you do some more cooking? I’m sick of patties.’

  ‘And sausages.’

  ‘Can you stay for Christmas?’

  This kiss just wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Cam shoved a hand through his hair and grinned at Jenny and his boys. ‘This is family life. No privacy. Plenty of interruptions. Think you can handle it full time?’

  ‘Try and stop me.’

  ‘Good answer.’

  Marcus high-fived his brother. ‘She’s staying. What night of the week do we want beef stroganoff?’

  Jenny laughed. ‘What about meat patties night?’ Hopefully Amanda would help her get past the lasagne and beef stroganoff and then every meal would be a surprise.

  ‘No, that’s fish and chip night now.’

  ‘Dad, the fish and chips are getting cold.’

  ‘Then go and eat them.’ He hadn’t taken his gaze away from Jenny. ‘You hungry?’

  Shaking her head, she laughed again. ‘Not yet. But a glass of wine would go down a treat. You want to replace that beer you managed to spill everywhere?’

  ‘Yes.’ Finally he looked around, then back to Jenny, and felt a well of emotion back up in his throat. ‘Thank you for returning. I had decided I’d chase you down if you didn’t.’