Always and Forever

by Lyn Denison

  “Am I getting to ride in the MG?” he asked excitedly after he’d greeted them.

  “This should do great things for your image,” Shann said, slipping the passenger seat forward so he could climb into the narrow back seat. She helped him buckle his seatbelt before she slid back in beside Angie.

  They were home in a few minutes and when Angie drew up in front of their house, Shann turned and thanked her again. She wanted to pull Angie to her but of course that was impossible.

  Corey unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over between his mother and Angie. He put an arm around each of them and kissed his mother’s cheek and then Angie’s. “That was excellent. Just excellent. It’s a fantastic car, Angie. How long have you had it?”

  “A couple of years. It needed stacks of work when I bought it, but it’s been worth it.”

  Shann reluctantly climbed out of the car, and Corey followed her. “Thanks, Angie,” she said sincerely. “Until Friday then?”

  Angie nodded. “Until Friday,” she said softly.

  * * *

  Angie rang Shann from work on Thursday. “Hi! I just got back. How are you?”

  “Hi to you, too! And I’m fine.” Shann put her guitar down and stretched herself out on her bed, booted feet crossed, her hand behind her head. She was glad she was alone as she felt a silly smile light her face. Her body responded to the sound of Angie’s voice. “I’m all the better for hearing your voice.”

  Angie laughed softly. “I was depending on the old ‘absence making the heart grow fonder’ adage. Has it worked?”

  “Very much so.” Shann swallowed. “I can’t seem to get Friday night off my mind.” If Angie only knew how true that was. She’d been so vague and restless that Liz had commented on it. Even Corey had raised his eyebrows at her a couple of times.

  “Is there any chance you can get away, say, this evening?” Angie asked.

  A spiral of desire surged inside Shann, ricocheting about, making her burn. “Tonight?” she repeated, her mouth suddenly dry, and she was glad she was lying down.

  “Mmm. But if you can’t get away, well, that’s okay, too. I just thought, well, I thought I’d be tied up interviewing, but three of the five candidates have cried off so, well, I’ll be finished early.”

  “But won’t you be tired with the plane trip and everything?” Shann asked, her elation swelling inside her.

  “When you compare the way I’m not sleeping thinking about you, then a round of interviews and an interstate flight are a piece of cake. So, what do you think? Will I see you tonight?” she asked softly.

  “I’ve consulted my social calendar, and I do believe I’m free,” Shann said with mock seriousness. “But even if I hadn’t been I’d have made myself free,” she added quickly and Angie laughed.

  “Fantastic. I’ll pick you up between eight and eight-thirty, hmm?”

  “What shall I bring?”

  “Just yourself.”

  “How about some wine?” Shann suggested.

  “All taken care of.” Angie paused. “Well, I guess I should get going to my staff meeting. Let’s hope I can keep my mind on it or else I might inadvertently agree to massive staff pay raises and double holiday time.”

  Shann chuckled. “Not the astute Ms. Callahan. I can’t see that. You’re too, well, together.”

  “Do you think so? Then who’s this person talking to you, the one with the shaking hands and sweaty palms, the one who can’t keep a coherent thought in her mind for more than a second?”

  “It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one,” Shann said.

  “I do have to go, Shann. If I could I’d be over there right now but . . . I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Yes. Tonight.” Shann hung up the receiver and stretched languidly on her bed.

  She felt like the Cheshire cat, grinning from ear to ear. She would be seeing Angie tonight, in mere hours. She sat up and lifted her guitar onto her lap. This was the moment for a love song or two. She began picking out the melody of the song she was working on.

  Was she making a huge mistake? As she absently strummed her guitar a little later, her rational mind turned that question over and over. Wasn’t getting involved with Angie Callahan putting herself slam-bang in the middle of an emotional minefield? That she was attracted to the other woman was an understatement. Shann knew she’d never felt this drawn to anyone. Even Leigh.

  Shann paused, knowing this was the source of her disquiet. Angie was Leigh’s cousin. They’d been raised in the same house, almost sisters. And Angie knew the history, or part of it, that Shann shared with Leigh.

  She wasn’t still in love with Leigh, she reminded herself. She had betrayed Shann when Shann needed her the most. Leigh had professed her love, when all the while that love had been conditional, always on Leigh’s terms. And now Leigh was married, had a life of her own.

  Shann couldn’t think about that afternoon all those years ago without feeling the pain and despair. They had loved each other, and yet when Shann had needed Leigh’s support and understanding, Leigh had broken her heart.

  After the Callahans’ twenty-fifth wedding anniversary party Shann had walked around in a daze. As she saw it she had no one to talk to about her fear. Leigh certainly wouldn’t believe her, being convinced Shann had had too much to drink. Her father would never take her side against Ruth. Pat was working in Canberra and Liz was married and living in the north of the state.

  Shann had desperately wanted to confide in Leigh, but Leigh was training for the school swimming carnival and was spending most afternoons at the pool. The fact that Evan Radford was on the swimming team was not lost on Shann.

  And Shann wasn’t sure she could reveal to Leigh what had happened that night in the garden behind the hall. Even when Leigh had sought Shann out, Shann had barely been able to respond when Leigh spoke to her.

  The afternoon Shann came home from a terror-filled visit to their family doctor she had sat in a deck chair on the front veranda in a state of shock. She was pregnant. The nausea, her missed period, told the doctor all he needed to know.

  Who was the baby’s father, Dr. Fleming had asked her kindly. Shann had sat with tears rolling down her face, unable to talk about it. The doctor had discussed her options with her, and he’d been reluctant to let her leave until she assured him that her parents would be home. It hadn’t been a lie, Shann justified. Her parents would be home. In a couple of hours.

  So she sat on the veranda wishing Leigh was home. And that she could turn back the clock, be forewarned about that dreadful night. Part of Shann was in total panic while the other part was completely numb.

  Then she caught sight of Leigh riding along the street and turning into her driveway. Shann stood up and ran down the steps and over to the Callahans’.

  “Leigh, I need to see you. Thank heavens you’re home.”

  “So you’re talking to me now.” Leigh propped her bike against the garage wall.

  Her parents’ cars were both gone, Shann noticed with relief, so they were on their own. “I can’t—I don’t know what’s happened to us, Leigh. And I need to talk to you.”

  “You know what happened, Shann. We got caught out, and now everyone thinks we’re lesbians.”

  “I don’t care about that.” Shann bit down on her lip as a hysterical laugh bubbled inside her.

  “I’m glad you find it funny, Shann.” Leigh crossed her arms. “Because I do care, and I can’t believe you don’t as well.”

  “I do care, but—that’s not that I want to talk to you about. Can we go upstairs?”

  “Shann, I can’t. I can’t take the chance Mum will come home. She’ll freak out if we’re on our own.”

  “Come over to my place. Dad and Ruth are still at work. You can put your bike behind the fence. No one will know you’re there.”

  Leigh nodded reluctantly, wheeled her bicycle next door and followed Shann up the steps, and down the hall to Shann’s bedroom. Shann sank down on the side of the bed, and Leigh sat
on the chair near Shann’s desk.

  “Look, Shann, we have to stop all this torturing each other,” Leigh said immediately. “If we hadn’t, well, let things get out of hand we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

  “We were kissing each other. That’s all. It wasn’t as though we were naked,” Shann appealed.

  “We might as well have been the way our parents totally lost it. And, if you remember, I said that would happen all along, Shann. People don’t like gays.”

  “Not all people are like that. Leigh, I haven’t told you but I’ve been to a club, I’ve met lots of other lesbians, and it was wonderful. None of them had two heads. They were nice normal women. Some were doctors and nurses and even teachers.”

  “One of our teachers?” Leigh exclaimed.

  “No. Not from our school. Why don’t you come with me one night.”

  “Shann, I’m not a lesbian,” Leigh said forcefully.

  “You just like kissing women?” Shann threw back at her, and Leigh sighed.

  “I’ll admit I like kissing you Shann, but it’s, well, it’s just part of growing up.

  “We’re growing up, and we have to put all that behind us. Mum says that a lot of gay people just haven’t grown up emotionally.”

  “That’s a lot of crap, and you know it. What about love? You said you loved me.”

  “I do, Shann. But not, well, sexually.”

  Shann stared at her impotently. How could she have been so wrong about Leigh? They’d been friends since childhood. And now—

  “Apart from all that,” Leigh was continuing, “it’s far too hard to be gay. I don’t want that for my life. Sneaking around. Keeping secrets. I want a husband and children.”

  “You don’t need a husband to have children,” Shann said flatly and her stomach churned.

  “I know what’s expected of me, Shann, and it’s easier for me to go along with that.”

  “Even if it’s not what you want?” Shann said bitterly.

  Leigh shrugged. “Maybe I don’t want anything else badly enough to fight the world for it.”

  Shann felt as though Leigh had twisted a knife inside her.

  “I’m going out with Evan and that suits me.”

  “But you can’t love him,” Shann appealed, and Leigh stood up, paced across the room and back again.

  “I’m seventeen years old. I don’t want to get married for at least two years. As I said, Evan suits me at the moment. I just want to have fun.”

  “Like we had fun at your parents’ party?”

  “I did have fun that night. And you could have, too. Remember I wasn’t the one who had too much to drink.”

  “I didn’t either,” Shann said quietly. “There must have been something in the drink I had. It made me sick. I only had one mouthful.”

  “You weren’t used to drinking, that’s all it was.”

  “I passed out. I was in the garden.” Shann paused, trying once again to sort out her fragments of memories. “Someone took me there.”

  “Who?”

  “I don’t remember exactly. Evan was there—”

  “Evan? You think Evan put something in your drink. That’s ridiculous. Why would he do that?” Leigh’s eyes narrowed. “Are you sure you’re not just jealous because he’s going out with me?”

  “I’m not jealous.” But Shann knew she was. Burningly jealous. “And it wasn’t just Evan. Caleb was there and the twins, your mother’s boss’s sons. I know it was the drink, but I didn’t see—I just can’t remember.”

  “For heaven’s sake, Shann. You’re so naive. You have to be careful. Not all guys are, well, they don’t care as long as you have sex with them.”

  Shann burst into tears, gulping huge sobs.

  Leigh walked across and sat beside her, not touching her. “Shann, you didn’t—did you?”

  “I’m pregnant,” Shann got out between gulps.

  “Pregnant? Oh, my God, Shann! What were you thinking? Aren’t you taking contraceptives? Or at least insisting the guy uses a condom.”

  Shann rubbed her hand across her eyes. “Why would I need to? I was in love with you. I didn’t want anyone else.”

  “Well, I didn’t get you pregnant so you must have wanted someone else,” Leigh said dryly, and Shann looked at her incredulously.

  “Someone raped me,” she said.

  Chapter Eight

  Shann’s revelation hung in the air about them like a heavy, pungent fog. Leigh stood up again, put space between them when Shann desperately wanted Leigh to just hold her.

  “Raped you? Shann you can’t go around accusing someone of doing that when you don’t even know who did it. If you were so drunk—”

  “Leigh, I told you. I think someone drugged me, and it had to be Evan, Caleb, or one of the Kingsley twins. They were the only ones there.”

  “No one will believe you, Shann. Two separate people told me they’d seen you leaving the hall drunk. I heard Angelina tell my mother that Ruth had taken you home.” Leigh looked at her. “Do your parents know? About the night of the party? Or—”

  “No one knows.” Ruth was convinced Shann had been drunk that night and so was her father. They’d grounded her for a month. Little did they know she had no desire to so much as leave her room. She’d have stayed there if she hadn’t had to go to school. She bit her lip and looked at Leigh. “You believe me, don’t you? About being raped?”

  “Well, yes. If you say it’s true,” Leigh replied without meeting Shann’s gaze.

  A sharp pain stabbed the region of Shann’s heart. If Leigh didn’t believe her—

  “What are you going to do?” Leigh asked. “You’ll have to have an abortion.”

  Shann couldn’t seem to compute the word. Abortion. Contraceptives. Condoms. Pregnancy. They’d only been words until now. Words that had had nothing to do with her or her life. They were way out of her league.

  “You are going to have an abortion, aren’t you?” Leigh asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said flatly.

  “Shann, you can’t have this baby. You’re too young. It will ruin your life.”

  “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “If, as you say, you don’t even know who the father is, well, how can you even consider it?”

  Shann looked at Leigh and swallowed. “You don’t believe me, do you? That I was raped?”

  Leigh’s gaze fell. “I don’t know what to believe, Shann. It’s such an improbable story. I mean, how would you not know if someone was doing that to you?”

  Pain clutched inside Shann again, and she fancied she felt her heart actually break. “Oh, I remember that, Leigh. Believe me I won’t ever be able to forget it. I just don’t remember who it was or if I actually saw him. It was dark and—” She made a dispirited gesture with her hand. “It was too dark.”

  Leigh made no comment, and Shann pushed herself to her feet. “I can’t stay here. I do know that. Dad and Ruth will—” Shann shook her head. “I’ve decided I’m going to run away.”

  “Where will you go?” Leigh asked.

  “I don’t know yet.” She looked at Leigh. “I was going to ask you to come with me.”

  The words hung in the air between them.

  “We could get a flat together,” Shann said quickly. “Maybe Sydney. We could get jobs.”

  “I can’t do that, Shann.”

  “Why not? We said we were going to move out of home together, share a flat.”

  “That was after we’d finished school,” Leigh reminded her. “We need to do well this year. You know how important it is.”

  “Do you think they’ll let me sit for final exams if I’m pregnant?” Shann asked, looking at Leigh as though she’d never seen her before.

  “Don’t you see, Shann. That’s why you have to get an abortion. You said you’d saved money from your job at that place.” Leigh crossed the room and took hold of Shann’s shoulders. “We could find out where to go. I could come with you. Your parents need never know about it. I wou
ldn’t tell. No one would ever know.”

  “Did you ever really love me, Leigh?”

  Leigh let her hands fall, and she put space between them again. “Love hasn’t got anything to do with it, Shann. I can’t live my life so, well, so—”

  “Honestly,” Shann finished, and Leigh gave an exclamation of irritation.

  “I told you, Shann. I’m not a lesbian.”

  They regarded each other in silence.

  A car door slammed and Leigh moved then. “That’s Mum. I have to go, Shann.” She paused at the door. “I meant what I said. If you need someone to come with you I will.”

  Shann had left the house then and just kept walking. She ended up at the shopping center with no conscious idea about where she wanted to go. She had no money with her either so she sat and watched other shoppers coming and going. Her brother found her there three hours later and brought her home.

  Ruth gave her her dinner, food she couldn’t eat, and then they’d cross-examined her. After she’d answered in monosyllables or not at all, her father grew angry. One thing led to another, and Shann had blurted out that she was pregnant. Her parents were flabbergasted. And then came the demands to know who the father of the child was. Shann refused to say. And the arguments continued until Shann left home again. This time she planned what she saw as her escape. She flew down to her only aunt who lived in suburban Sydney.

  After dinner that evening Shann sat on Corey’s bed with him, and they read the next chapter of the Harry Potter book they were reading. At least having to concentrate on the words gave Shann some respite from the pendulum swings of feelings she had been experiencing all afternoon.

  “Where are you and Angie going?” Corey asked as Shann tucked him in.

  “We thought we might have some supper,” she replied vaguely.