Heaven and Mel (Kindle Single)

by Joe Eszterhas

  At the base of the hill is a tiny surfer village, Mal Pais. It has a few surf shops, a few restaurants, a Belgian pastry shop that Mel favors, and lots of bikers. There is no police presence in the village, Mel tells us.

  The road leading from Mel's house to the village looks and feels bombed-out, or like the surface of the moon. That's one reason the only safe, practical away in or out is by helicopter.

  "Everyone here thought that I'd build a fancy road to the tune of millions of dollars," Mel says. "Ha! I fooled them, didn't I?"

  * * * *

  MEL SEEMS GRIM. I ask him if he's okay.

  He says he's trying to quit smoking again.

  I tell him how I stopped after forty-some years of smoking.

  "I took two long walks every day. An hour and a half each time. I exhausted myself day after day. It made my nicotine and tobacco cravings less excruciating. I didn't eat much and I drank lots of water. I used the patch, which really helped me. And I prayed all the time while I walked. I asked God to help me because I knew I couldn't do it alone."

  Mel nods, but doesn't say anything. I fear he's given up before he's begun.

  Mel says, "I don't want to use the patch. I don't want to put all that shit into my system."

  At least, I think, he's not reaching for another cigarette at this moment.

  "If you want to do some work," I tell him, "let me know. I've got nothing else to do."

  "There's a Bible out there on a chair by the pool," he says, "if you want something to read."

  I see it later. It is the good old Catholic Douay-Rheims Bible, a beautiful, ornate edition. I don't read it. I think Mel's trying to brainwash me with the damn thing.

  * * * *

  NICK RUNS WITH MEL SOMETIMES when Mel goes up and down the hill, taking my advice, trying to exhaust himself.

  Nick is having fun. He loves the monkeys in the trees. He is discovering lots of different kinds of birds, and I know he'd love to spot one of the javelinas that Mel keeps talking about. One day Nick brings us a gorgeous red plant called a Jerusalem cross.

  A Jerusalem cross!

  I know my good friend Judah Maccabee, whom I miss terribly, sent it to me… all the way from the house where Judah and his Bros and his Pops are staying in frigid Ohio.

  * * * *

  MEL IS DRIVING US DOWN the hill to dinner.

  A John Lennon song comes on the radio.

  Elizabeth is sitting next to Naomi in the back seat. She says, "Ahh, John Lennon!" She's smiling. She really loves John Lennon.

  Naomi sees Mel's eyes shoot up to the rearview mirror to look at her.

  "John Lennon," he says. He almost spits the name. "I hate John Lennon. He deserved to be shot."

  There's a sudden silence in the car as the John Lennon song plays. Naomi stares straight ahead.

  Elizabeth says to Mel: "Dude! It's the Beatles, man!"

  Mel says loudly, "It is not the Beatles! It's fucking John Lennon! He was fucking messianic! Listen to his songs, 'Imagine'! I hate that song. I'm glad he's dead."

  Elizabeth, stung by his sudden anger, says nothing. No one does.

  * * * *

  WE'RE AT MEL'S DINING ROOM TABLE, chatting. The table almost takes up the whole big open-air dining room. It is almost U-shaped in different directions. Somebody says Mel had it made in Italy and flew it over here in pieces.

  Walter Cronkite has somehow come up.

  Elizabeth, fearless and outspoken, says: "I always loved Walter Cronkite."

  Mel, sitting directly across the table from her, gives her his Robert Mitchum/"Night of the Hunter" smile.

  He says; "You loved Walter Cronkite?" Mel is loud, but he gets louder as this goes on: "I knew you'd love Walter Cronkite. Walter Cronkite and John Lennon! Walter Cronkite was a liar!"

  He looks at everyone around the table and in a low, kind of conspiratorial voice says, "He was a Hebe, wasn't he?"

  No one answers his question. Nick looks at me, his eyes wary. His look says, "Did you hear that?"

  Elizabeth says, obviously taken aback by all this, "I just remember Walter Cronkite as this sweet presence each night, telling us the news…"

  Mel says, "He was telling lies. All the people on television are liars. The only people who like Walter Cronkite are stupid people."

  Randy says, "Come on, Mel, we were on television."

  Mel says, "Yeah, well, we're liars too."

  * * * *

  NICK SAYS TO ME, "I don't think Mel likes Elizabeth."

  I grin and say, "Why do you say that, Nick?"

  Nick says, "We're down at the bakery in the middle of town. Elizabeth says she just loves chocolate croissants. So they bring over these amazing-looking chocolate croissants.

  "Elizabeth goes, 'Chocolate croissants — they're manna from heaven!'

  "Then she holds a croissant up high with both hands and says, 'Body of Christ!'

  "I look at Mel and he just gets up from the table and goes out the door.

  "Randy looks at Elizabeth and says, 'I hope you get struck by lightning and not me.'"

  Naomi and I like Elizabeth… very much.

  * * * *

  MEL SAYS THE REASON he built this big estate in Costa Rica was so he could move here. He says he wants to live away from Hollywood and the public eye, and that he loves Costa Rica.

  So he built this gorgeous estate with a beautiful room for Luci. Her room has a white bed and white mosquito netting draped over it like a princess canopy.

  But then he and Oksana split up, and he can't bring Luci here without Oksana's permission. And even if Luci is allowed to come, it's only for a week at a time. And if he goes on location for a movie, he can't take Luci with him.

  Mel is possessed by the idea that Oksana has ruined everything… and the only way it can be fixed is if she's gone.

  * * * *

  I FEEL MYSELF A LONG WAY AWAY now from my tunnel at home, the one that takes me back to Jerusalem in 160 B.C.

  I keep wondering how my wondrous Jewish friends, the Maccabees, living in my office on the third floor of my house, are doing.

  I'm lolling in the pool here. We're not doing any work. The Douay-Rheims Bible lies untouched on the lounge chair in front of the pool. There are no churches to go to here. Sunday Mass is said by a vagabond priest (shades of Graham Greene) in someone's home.

  I laze around in the infinity pool all day thinking about heroic Jews, infinities and centuries away from here. And I really worry that Judah is getting pissed off at me back there in the cold and that when I get back, he won't be as eager to talk to me as he was before.

  * * * *

  MEL IS UPSET BECAUSE THE INTERNET and the Jacuzzis don't work. It's a brand new house and the Jacuzzis are either too hot or too cold.

  Nick and Mel have been trying to get into them for days. Nick tells Naomi that they got back from hiking up the hill and he thought, "I don't care what the temperature is, I'm going in."

  "It was scalding," Nick says, "I get in and it's just burning, but I don't care, I just sit there. So Mel shows up with one of his shakes in his hand and says, 'Hey! I'm coming in! Is it good?'

  "I say, 'I don't know, be careful, it's really hot.'

  "Mel steps in and scalds his foot and yells really loud, 'Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck!' and throws his shake.

  "Then he slips trying to get out. Everybody's laughing. Then he turns around and looks at me and says: 'What's wrong with you? You're not human!'"

  When we've been here a few days, Naomi asks Nick what he thinks of Mel.

  "He's funny and fun to be around," Nick says, "but he's really, really spoiled."

  Naomi asks, "Why do you say that?"

  Nick says, "Look around. This is one of the most beautiful countries in the world, and he lives in this gorgeous, huge estate. And he's not happy. He's complaining about the Jacuzzi being too hot, or the Internet not working, or the wood starting to get weathered. I don't get it. All this, and he's not happy."

  * * * *

  NICK G
OES TO THE BEACH to surf with Mel, Randy, Elizabeth, and Brad.

  He tells us this story: "I'm sitting with Mel on a piece of driftwood a ways off from the surf. We're talking. We look out at the surf and see this fat guy walking into the water. There's a shallow part and then a quick drop to deeper water.

  "We're watching this guy and he suddenly drops down into the deeper part and he's sort of floundering around.

  "Mel says, 'Man, look at that fat ass! I don't understand how people can let themselves get that fat. It's like wearing a thick winter coat of flesh all year round.'

  "The fat guy stumbles out of the water and he heads straight for us. Mel goes, 'Oh no, he's heading over here!'

  "The guy gets closer and we realize it's Brad."

  * * * *

  WHEN THEY ARE SITTING on that piece of driftwood on the beach talking… this is what Mel Gibson, movie star, and my fifteen-year-old son are talking about.

  Mel says to Nick: "I did so much for her (Oksana). I had all this wood specially shipped in for her. She didn't like the original wood so I tore it all up and replaced it with this beautiful carved wood that she liked.

  "She told me about a bed she had once that she really loved, so I had it built for her. I had it made exactly as she remembered it. I took all the curtains down that she didn't like and replaced them with ones she picked out. I spent millions of dollars trying to make her happy, and she never ever was.

  "I overheard her talking to her friend on her cellphone once. She was describing this breakfast meal that she'd had in Russia that she loved. I called a chef and had him come at 4:30 in the morning to prepare this meal for her as a surprise. They had to hunt down all the ingredients and it took hours to make.

  "When she came down for breakfast, she sat down, ate it, and said nothing. She didn't say one thing about it! I waited the entire day. Finally, at the end of the day, I asked her, 'Did you notice the special breakfast?' and she said, 'Oh yeah, thanks.'"

  * * * *

  MEL CAN'T FIND HIS CAR KEYS. This happens a lot. We're all looking for the keys because we're going out to dinner, and Annie says it's better for Luci if we go early, otherwise it gets too late for a two-year-old.

  Mel is racing around looking for the keys. The clock is ticking. We look for at least forty minutes without success.

  Nick and Naomi are looking in the kitchen when Mel comes in. "They're not in here," he says evenly, steel-eyed. Quietly, through clenched teeth he says, "Just go get in the car." Naomi says, "Nick, let's go," and they walk straight out to the car.

  But everyone is just standing out in the driveway, so we stand there too. Mel appears, leaning over the balcony. His eyes are wild. He says, "Do you remember the old TV show — 'McHale's Navy'? You know the Phil Silvers character? He used to say, 'Sometimes I get so mad I could just scream!' That's how I feel all the time."

  He is sizzling angry. Naomi looks at Annie, who's holding Luci, her hand over Luci's head. She's pacing back and forth.

  Mel says again, firmly, "Everyone get in the car." That does it. Naomi gets in and sits in the middle. Nick gets in next to her. Nick says to Naomi, "Everybody should just do what he says."

  It's hot, but they sit there, just the two of them. I'm not getting in until somebody finds the keys, no matter what Mel says. Everyone else starts getting into the car. Mel finally appears. He's found the keys in Luci's room. I get in the car.

  * * * *

  LUCI LEAVES US THE NEXT DAY with Annie and her husband, Phillip. Mel and Brad fly to San Jose with them on the helicopter, where Luci will fly to L.A. with Annie and Phillip.

  There is a lump in Naomi's heart and mine when the little girl is gone. Nayo hugs her when Luci goes up on the chopper. Joe the Owl waves to her and gets a near smile.

  We have no inkling that this is the last time we will see Luci, the gorgeous little girl who stole our hearts.

  * * * *

  WE HEAR THAT IT'S SNOWING back in Ohio, where Judah and his Bros and his Pops are staying. Try as hard as I can, I just can't conjure Judah from this sunny place.

  The scuttlebutt among the staff in the house is that Mel is staying a night in San Jose with Brad at the Hotel Alta, the place he called "a dump."

  The staff gossips that Mel and Brad will "party" for a night before they return. I know what that means, and I hope, for my sake and everyone else's, that it's true.

  When Mel returns with Brad the next day, it's like a royal welcome. I almost hear trumpets and fanfare.

  * * * *

  MEL'S COSTA RICA HOUSE has no religious icons, rosaries, crucifixes or statues… except two wooden ones of the Blessed Mother made by a Costa Rican artist.

  I ask Kata if she can give me the artist's name. I want to buy some of his work.

  Kata says, "Please, let me give them to you. Mel never commented on them. I don't even know if he likes them."

  I tell Kata I can't let her do that. She insists. We go back and forth. We finally make a deal. I write her a check for the two wooden statues.

  * * * *

  WE ARE TAKING A BIG CHARTERED FISHING BOAT to Mel's other estate in Costa Rica, a ranch on the other side of Guanacaste.

  It is a spectacular place built in the old Spanish manner, right on the beach, a castle in Mission style. There are different kinds of vegetation; a sweet sun-kissed breeze; trees that look like they could be scattered across the African Savannah; sky-scraping Oregon pines.

  The house manager here tells us that the mansion remains covered year-round to protect the wood. She says Mel hasn't been here for a year, but they've taken the cover off for the day while we visit. She says she wishes Mel would sell it or rent it. "It's such a waste," she says.

  Naomi says to Nick, "Didn't you love the drive here from the boat?"

  Nick says, "I thought it was sad. Didn't you see all those shacks? Didn't you see the way these people live? That starving dog? That little girl standing by the road in rags?"

  When we arrive, Mel starts racing around the big house. He suddenly says, "Hey, I still have some of her (Oksana's) stuff up here." He runs upstairs and says something the rest of us can't hear.

  "What did he say?" we ask Nick, who was standing right next to him.

  Nick says: "He said he was going to go upstairs, piss on the bed, and burn her stuff."

  * * * *

  LATER THAT AFTERNOON, Mel goes for a tour of his ranch in a small all-terrain vehicle with Nick, Randy, Elizabeth, and Brad.

  Nick: "Randy just had knee surgery and the surfing aggravated it, so his knee is really swollen. Elizabeth is up front with Mel, who is driving. I'm in the back with Randy and Brad sits on the other side in the back.

  "There's a big metal sign that says, 'No passengers in back.' Mel takes the bumps like a maniac. Brad says to us, 'Can I sit next to you? I'm really hot.' His face is bright red and sweaty. Brad says, 'I think I'm burning my ass!' We realize he's sitting directly on top of the engine, which, because of the load, is really hot.

  "All of a sudden Mel yells, 'Duck!' But it's too late. A tree branch hits me in the back so hard I almost fall out. Randy flies up so high he whacks his bad knee on the roll bar. Mel is laughing."

  When they hobble back from the tour of the ranch, they look like the walking wounded. I ask Nick, who's bent over and holding his back, how it was.

  Nick smiles sadly and shakes his head: "Mel tells us he's going to take us to see these beautiful African huts that he's had shipped to Costa Rica from Africa. They were shipped in crates and put together here. Mel tells us the top floor of these huts is amazing. They have a huge bed built into the floor. He's very excited to show it to us."

  "We get there," Nick continues, the sad smile still lingering on his face, "but it's terrible. The huts are trashed. The wood is rotting. When we walk upstairs there are huge scorpions crawling on the steps. Elizabeth is hanging on to Randy. When we get the top floor there's bat shit everywhere."

  Nick pauses, "Elizabeth takes a step and a bat flies out of the wood. It
hits Randy in the face. Elizabeth screams."

  * * * *

  WE GO BUMMING AROUND in Mal Pais with Mel.

  A couple approaches Mel at a surf shop and asks if they can have a picture taken with him. He smiles graciously and says sure. He turns to Randy and hands him the camera and at the same time draws a line with his finger across his throat. Randy takes the picture.

  After the couple has walked away, Mel says, "Did you chop off their heads?"

  Randy is completely baffled.

  Mel says, "That's what I was trying to tell you. Never include the heads when you take the picture. Then it's worthless."

  We run into some locals at the boat dock. They're American ex-pats and look like Hell's Angels: Big, chrome-laden bikes, lots of tattoos, bandanas tied around their heads, black motorcycle boots.

  They say to Mel "Hey, man — haven't seen you for awhile! Where you been?"

  Mel chats with them for a minute and then they shake hands.

  As we walk away, Mel says, "Yeah. Ha ha ha. Fuck you."

  On the way back to the car, Mel makes one of his awful corny jokes. Everyone laughs politely except Nick.

  Mel looks at Nick and says, "Why didn't you laugh?"

  Nick smiles and says, "Because I didn't think it was funny."

  Mel looks at Nick for a second and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

  * * * *

  WE'VE GATHERED BEFORE DINNER AND KATA is showing Naomi pictures on her laptop. She shows her one she has taken of Mel and Luci. It's a terrible photograph of Mel. He looks old and balding. Neither of us says anything. Kata just flips by it.

  Mel comes down and approaches Kata. Naomi sits on the chair next to me. We're sitting across from Mel and Kata.

  Mel begins looking at the same photos Kata has just shown me. He stares at one of them, the one that makes him look so old and balding. He bolts up and hurls his cellphone against the stone wall.