by Amy Gamet
"I haven't forgotten."
She put the picture down and leaned back in her chair. "What you said before, about us not doing anything wrong, I know you're right about that. I know my head is still screwed on backwards and six kinds of sideways." She shook her head. "That's why I was moving to Savannah. I had to get out of that house, away from the memories that live there. I was really trying to make a fresh start."
"Why did you come to the bar that night?"
He was afraid he already knew the answer to that question, but he still thought he had to ask it. Had she really come there with the intention of getting pregnant? Or had she been lonely, and he was the lucky man who just happened to be there?
She met his eyes, guilt shining in their depths. "I did it on purpose, Jax. Is that what you're asking me? Did I get pregnant on purpose? Because I did."
He shook his head. "No. When you decided to come to the bar, did you want to talk to me?"
She frowned. "I see, you're looking for a way to lessen the blame.” She stood up. "I hate to disillusion you, but I went to the bar that night hoping to get pregnant." She crossed her arms, no longer meeting his eyes.
“By me?”
She nodded. "It made some twisted kind of sense. I know that's not right, and I knew it wasn't right then, either. But everything that happened that night was exactly what I was hoping would happen.”
“You were grieving."
"Dammit Jax, don't make excuses for me. I went to that bar to seduce you, in hopes I got pregnant, so I could be a mother. You were never part of the plan."
He lifted his chin. “Beyond the obvious, of course.”
She flushed. “You weren’t supposed to find out. You weren’t supposed to get hurt.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted? To hurt me?”
“No.”
He scoffed.
“I just wanted a baby, Jax. I didn’t think beyond that. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I was in such a dark place, and there you were, and I couldn’t see past trying to get back what I’d lost.” She put her hands on her hips and closed her eyes. “Forget it. I can’t do this anymore. Are we done here? I'd really like to get out of this place."
Jax led the way through the labyrinth that was HERO Force, back out through reception, and down the elevator. He stole a sideways glance at her as they descended. She’d almost seemed sorry for what she’d done, though she’d stopped short of a real apology.
Because she’s not sorry for the baby.
And what about him? Was he sorry for the life they’d created?
Not for a second.
They got to his truck and he opened her door for her, earning him a glare, and he couldn't help but smirk. He surprised himself by saying, "Logan is having a party tonight. I said we'd go."
"Seriously? What are you going to tell the guys?"
"I'll tell them the same thing I told Cowboy. The truth. You and I are having a baby together. And if anybody has a problem with that, that's just too goddamn bad."
31
Jessa twisted and turned in front of the mirror, pleased with what she saw. Once she figured out Jax was serious about going to this party, she pointed out she had nothing to wear. So they'd gone shopping, with Jax looking even more uncomfortable than normal — if that was possible — as he followed her around the women's department. To her surprise, many of the clothes that normally would have fit her were now too small around the middle. Her baby was growing quickly.
Their baby.
Theirs.
She shook her head. She was not going to think about that tonight.
She'd never met Logan, but the idea of a party held definite appeal. It seemed the last several months were some long, drawn-out high drama that desperately needed comic relief. Her eyes went to the bodice of her dress, the full globes of her breasts subtly on display.
I wonder if he'll like it.
She met her eyes in the mirror.
Was that what she wanted? For Jax to find her attractive? The picture of Ralph and Jax from Jax’s desk drawer had softened her heart. Then Jax had been looking for ways to excuse her behavior and she’d gotten so choked up she’d barely been able to hide it from him.
There was a knock at the door. "Yes?”
“Are you about ready? Hawk and Cowboy have got the security system all set to go, so we can head out anytime.” She pulled open the door, surprised to see him in a bright blue polo shirt that brought out his eyes and a pair of jeans that fit him like a bull rider in a cigarette ad.
She licked her lips.
Wow.
"You look nice,” he said.
She smiled, more pleased than she should be that he’d noticed. "What is this, some sort of truce or something?"
He grinned a truly warm smile, sending shivers down her arms. "It's not a bad idea. Just for tonight. We can go back to hating each other tomorrow if you still want to." He winked.
She exhaled a breath it seemed she’d been holding for days. "That would be great.”
They walked outside and got back in his car. "Tell me about Logan. I’ve never met him."
“Doc is okay. He's young, and greener than a grasshopper’s wings. He's from the NSA, not the SEALs, and sometimes he just doesn't get it. He wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t so damn eager to please.”
"How long has he been working for you?"
"About a year. Smart as all hell, but I keep getting the feeling I'm a high school guidance counselor instead of a black ops commander.”
They pulled up in front of a small two-story building, and Cowboy and Hawk came bounding out to the truck.
“Who’s ready to party?” yelled Cowboy.
Hawk raised both hands in the air. “I am!”
Jessa found herself smiling at the two men. Hawk came around to Jessa’s window. “Hey, sweetheart, long time no see.” He kissed her cheek before climbing into the back of the extended cab.
“Hi, Trevor. How’ve you been?”
“Good.”
“Hawk’s got himself a girlie friend,” said Cowboy, now sitting behind Jax.
She turned around in her seat. “Is it serious?”
He looked so happy when he said, “Yeah. I think it is.”
“Well, that’s awesome,” she said.
Jax pulled onto the road.
“I’ve got me a girlie friend, too,” said Cowboy. “Sixteen cheerleaders from the community college and a cross-dresser named Moe.”
Jessa laughed, and it felt so good. When was the last time she had laughed with friends?
By the time they arrived at the party, she was feeling more relaxed than she’d been in ages.
Jax walked her inside, his hand lightly touching her back, and turned to her. “I need to track down Red and go over a few things. I won’t be long.”
“Okay. Cowboy will keep me company.”
Cowboy wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Well, hello there, good-looking. My name’s Leo Wilson.” He was laughing, then he lifted his head and his arm tightened on her shoulders.
“What is it?” She turned her head to follow his gaze to a curvy blonde with a sparkly blue dress and a lot of makeup. Even still, the woman was beautiful. “Who is that?” she whispered.
“Charlotte.” He nodded to the woman and held up a hand in acknowledgment.
“Let me guess. Someone you know biblically?”
“Nope.” He steered her away in the opposite direction. “Logan’s sister.”
“Ah. I think there’s a story there somewhere.”
Cowboy looked back over his shoulder. “If I knew she was going to be here, I would have steered clear.”
“You don’t like her?”
He dropped his arm and looked at her like she was crazy. “I like her a lot.”
“Oh.” She nodded. “Oh! I get it. You’re trying to stay away from her because she’s Logan’s sister.”
“Exactly. But she doesn’t make it easy on me.”
Jessa accepted a ginge
r ale from the bartender and turned to watch Charlotte. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you choke up in front of a woman, Leo.”
“Yeah, well, if I have to keep the Wilson charm under wraps, I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me about her.”
He took a swig of beer. “She’s loud, and she curses like a sailor.” He turned his back to Charlotte and faced Jessa completely. “You see her nails?”
“Yes.”
“Always long, always red, always killing me.”
Jessa giggled. “I wouldn’t think she was your type.”
“Oh, she’s not. Not at all, and I can’t freaking handle it.”
Charlotte was laughing, her head thrown back and her long neck exposed, a piercing cackle carrying over the noise of the other guests.
“Wow,” said Jessa. “She is something, all right.”
“I know, right? Why the hell does she have to be related to Logan?”
Jessa shook her head. “Sometimes life is cruel, Leo. She’s coming over here.”
“Really?”
“Mmm hmm.”
Cowboy puffed out his chest and Jessa shot him a look.
"Hey, Cowboy,” said Charlotte. “You planning on coming over to say hello to me?" She opened her arms and hugged him, passing Jessa as she did.
She smelled of perfume, something really expensive or really cheap, Jessa wasn’t sure.
"Well, howdy, Charlotte. I didn't know you were going to be here tonight,” said Cowboy.
"I came into town for the mud-wrestling tournament at the fairgrounds. I'm a finalist."
Jessa tried not to laugh while Cowboy’s eyes nearly fell out of his head.
Charlotte punched him in the arm. "Jesus, Cowboy. I'm fucking kidding."
He pointed at her. "You got me.”
She took a healthy sip of her pink wine and held out a hand to Jessa. “I’m Charlotte O’Malley.”
“Jessa McConnell.”
“You two seeing each other?” she asked.
“Oh, no,” said Jessa. “We’re just friends.”
Charlotte turned and winked at Cowboy. "What do you say you and me go out sometime, Leo?"
Jessa couldn’t help but smile, forming an instant affection for Charlotte and enjoying the plight of poor Cowboy.
Cowboy clucked his tongue as his eyes roamed over Charlotte’s bedazzled body. "As much as I would like that, I don't think your brother approves."
She leaned in toward him and whispered in his ear loudly enough for Jessa to hear, "I don't give a fuck whether or not he approves."
"Unfortunately, sweetheart, I have to give a fuck.” He finished his drink. "There’s a code, Charlotte. It ain't up to me."
She stuck her bottom lip out. "You're a grown man. Of course it's up to you."
He shook his head, looking to Jessa for support, but she pretended not to notice. "Logan's like family to me, honey. He's got my back when I'm out there wrestling the bad guys, and it wouldn't be right for me to go after his sister."
"Then maybe I'll just have to go after you." Charlotte turned back to Jessa. “It was nice to meet you, doll face.” She began to walk away. “You’d better watch your back, Leo,” she called over her shoulder. “I don’t give up so easy.”
Cowboy sighed heavily. “What the fuck am I going to do?”
Jessa laughed. “I don’t know, but I hope I’m around to find out.”
Cowboy was the life of the party, and soon he was pulled away by two very eager young women. So when Logan struck up a conversation, Jessa was relieved to have someone to talk to.
It turned out they had a lot in common, from their taste in music and movies to a love for travel and a similar quirky sense of humor. Logan talked about Jax and HERO Force as if they were the end-all be-all of American justice, and she smirked at his naïveté and desire to please his boss.
Good luck with that. He isn't an easy one to please.
Not that she'd ever tried, but she suspected it was a fruitless endeavor.
By the time Logan asked her out, she realized she should've seen it coming from the very beginning. She stammered, “Actually I am… not exactly…"
"Are you seeing someone?"
"Sort of. It's complicated… You seem really nice, and under different circumstances I'd say yes, but right now I don't think I really can."
Logan grinned, and the phrase boyish good looks popped into her mind unbidden. "You don't have to make up excuses," he said. “If you don't want to go out with me, just say so."
"No! It's not that, really. I would like to go out with you. It's just…"
Jax’s voice behind her made her jump. "It's just that she's having my baby."
She watched in horror as Logan's face went from charming to terrified in the space of a single breath. She was blushing furiously now, more than a little upset at Jax’s bold statement. "I'm sorry," she said.
Logan held up his hands. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't understand the two of you were a couple."
Jax put his arm around Jessa, and she squirmed beneath it. "We’re not exactly a couple," she said.
Jax laughed. "You can't be much more of a couple than that, honey."
Logan made his excuses and walked away, leaving Jessa furious and embarrassed in his wake. She shook off Jax’s arm. "What did you do that for?"
"I told you we would tell everyone the truth. Don't act surprised now."
"There's a nicer way to do this, you know. You don't have to be a complete asshole and make everyone uncomfortable."
Jax narrowed his eyes. "Is that what I was doing?"
"Yes."
"That's funny, because I thought I was keeping you from making a date with that young man," he ground out between clenched teeth.
She was taken aback by what appeared to be jealousy.
As if he even wanted her.
"So what if I was?" She looked from his head to his toes and back to his face again. "You and I are not an item. I'm free to date anyone I want to."
He grabbed her wrist. "You are carrying my child."
"So what?" She pulled her wrist out of his grip. "That doesn't mean I belong to you. It's bad enough I'll have to share this baby with you, but I sure as hell don't have to share myself."
"That's right, I'd forgotten. You only spread your legs because you were trying to ruin my life, not because you like me.” He put his drink down. “We're leaving now.”
She looked at his nearly empty cup. "How many of those did you have?"
"What difference does it make?"
She shrugged. “Just wondering if I have to drive your drunk, obnoxious ass home or if you can do it yourself."
"It's unsweetened iced tea, Jessa. I’m obnoxious sober, too.” He grabbed her by the elbow and turned her around. "Now say good night to everyone so we can get the hell out of here."
32
Jax drove home in silence, tormented by his own thoughts. There was no denying he’d been jealous of Logan from the moment he saw them talking across the room, Logan’s body language screaming he was interested in Jessa. Jealous because the only man he wanted looking at her that way was himself.
So much for believing I hate her.
He was angry, for sure, but that was a very different thing than hating her. He should have realized the interest he had in her since the moment they first met years before would not be so easily shaken. Yes, she'd betrayed him by intending to take away his child, and that should have put him off her scent forever, but damn it all to hell, he still wanted her.
Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
If he could find a way to put that behind him, maybe even forgive her, it might still be possible for them to share this child.
He changed lanes, surreptitiously glancing in her direction. Her posture clearly said still angry, and not likely to get over it anytime soon. Hell, he was angry, too. The question was, could they find a way to feel something besides anger?
Jax thought back to another car ride, the eighteen hours
he’d driven to first tell her they'd killed Steele. He'd spent several of those hours facing the fact that he was interested in Jessa for himself. Apologizing to his dead friend.
Now Jessa was pregnant with his baby, and he had even more reason to pursue her.
Not less.
She lied to you. She's no better than Linda.
But Linda hadn't been carrying his child.
She'd made sure of that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
He could pursue Jessa, have a relationship with her, maybe even raise the baby as a family. But he would never give her his heart, never trust her after what she had done. It was the only way to move forward from here.
33
Jessa walked into Jax’s house and threw her purse on the counter with no intention of slowing down on her way to the guest room. She thought of her restraints from the night before and knew she could not suffer the same humiliation tonight.
She rounded on him. "If you try to tie me down to that bed again, I will kick your ass, so help me God. If you want me to stay here, you'd better find another way, because you know if it's up to me, I will head out that door and never look back."
He crossed his arms and widened his stance. "Yes, you've made that quite clear."
The smug look on his face and his calm, cool demeanor caused her temper to explode. She pointed at his chest. "You had no right to tell Logan to back off. I am not your property, and I can do with my body and my life whatever I want."
"Is that what you want, Jessa? Do you want to go out with Logan?"
"No! I want you to understand that I am not yours."
"You've made that quite clear tonight, too." His chest and bulging biceps were right at her eye level like a brick wall she would never be able to get through.
"But there's one thing I don't think you understand." He let his head drop forward, his eyes connecting with hers like a magnet to ferrous metal. "You have no idea what it was like," he said, his voice deep and throaty, "when I was watching you with him tonight. I wanted to throttle him."
Jessa shook her head. "Oh, please."
He uncrossed his arms, lightly taking her by the shoulders, and the air became charged with electricity.
