The Moment Keeper

by Buffy Andrews

  “You’re not taking them; I’m giving them to you.”

  “Same thing.”

  “Is not. Well, at least take a red one. It’ll keep the piranhas guessing.”

  Olivia hands Delaney a red carnation and Delaney’s slight smile slides into a showing-teeth grin.

  I got a red carnation once. It was a long time ago. I think I was in ninth grade, too. Like Olivia’s school, the carnations were sold as a Valentine’s Day fundraiser. Never did find out who sent me the flower, but I remember that when Tracey saw me in the hallway with it she snickered.

  “Someone actually sent you a red carnation?” she said.

  She emphasized “you”. As in I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would ever send you a red carnation because you’re so obviously worthless and ugly and you so don’t matter.

  But someone did and I kept that carnation forever. I pressed it and put it in the black Bible embossed with my name in gold that Grandma had given me for confirmation. I can still picture the red carnation, tucked into the Bible at first Corinthians, chapter thirteen, verse thirteen. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

  The day I got the flower, I kept looking around to see if there was a nod, some sort of sign or recognition from the guy who sent it. But there was nothing. So I spent time picturing him in my mind, conjuring up an image that fit the knight in shining armor I hoped one day would whisk me away to his castle.

  He was tall and strong with black hair. And piercing dark eyes that cradled me in a sweet stillness and made me feel as if I was the most important person in the world. An easy smile that exuded warmth and made my body tingle with desire. Muscular arms that wrapped around me and kept me safe, always safe from the cruel Traceys of the world.

  That was my dream. My forever dream. I guess some dreams, no matter how much we want them and pray for them, aren’t meant to be.

  Olivia gives all her carnations away. She feels so good giving one to Delaney that she decides to give them to others who are flowerless. She figures they would enjoy them more than she does. So she walks down the hall, handing flowers to girls and guys until they’re gone.

  As she heads to class she runs into some cheerleaders in a huddle near the doors to the gym. Their arms are overflowing with carnations, most of them red. They turn to look at Olivia.

  “I would have thought you’d have at least one carnation,” Most Popular Girl in the Ninth Grade says.

  Olivia shrugs her shoulders. “Sorry to disappoint you.”

  “Well, we can’t all be popular. There has to be regular girls, too.”

  “Yep, I’m a regular girl.”

  Olivia can’t help but smile once she passes them. She hates that they always make it a competition to see who gets the most carnations. She figures they probably buy them or bring extra to school — hiding them in their backpacks — on distribution day to make sure they have more than anyone else.

  “Hey, Lib,” Lexie calls.

  Olivia turns to see Lexie with a dozen red carnations. “Looks like someone likes you a lot.”

  “Yeah, it’s Tallen. He couldn’t keep it a secret.”

  Lexie has been dating Tallen for a month, and she likes him a lot. He’s a senior.

  “Can you come over to practice dance tomorrow?”

  “If we do it in the afternoon. Tallen’s taking me to the movies tomorrow night.”

  Ever since the dance, Delaney, Molly and Jackie have been hanging with Lexie and Olivia. Olivia kept her promise about teaching them to dance. When she has time, which is rarely ever, they practice at her house.

  “Tallen’s best friend, Cole, goes to Catholic High,” Lexie says. “He wondered if you liked to double date sometime.”

  “Maybe, let me think about it.”

  “He’s cute. I saw pictures of him.”

  “I’ll think about it. Promise.”

  “Oh, almost forgot,” Lexie says. “Mom and Dad are going away next weekend. I’m thinking about having a small party. I could invite Cole.”

  “We’ll talk later,” Olivia says. “Gotta get to class.”

  Olivia walks into history class and sees Emma. Emma wipes her blotchy face with a tissue.

  “Everything all right?” Olivia asks.

  “Justin broke up with me.”

  “Today?”

  “Last night. Then I got all these stupid carnations today. Since the orders were placed weeks ago, they’re probably from him.”

  “Sorry, Em,” Olivia says. “I know you liked him a lot.”

  Mr. Tuttle walks in. “Get out your books and turn to page two hundred and fifty.”

  The minute I heard Lexie mention “parents away” and “party” I got worried. I know what can happen when teens party. They drink too much and do stupid things they would never do if it were not for the influence of alcohol.

  I know from personal experience. When I was sixteen, I met this guy at the grocery store where I worked. I ran a cash register and he stocked shelves. Travis was older than me and went to a different school. He was the first guy who ever paid any kind of attention to me. Could have been because he was so obviously gay, but I didn’t care. He was my friend, and I hadn’t had one of those in a long time.

  One night, Travis and his friends got a couple cases of beer and invited me to go with them to an abandoned cabin in the woods. The only alcohol I had up until that point was Communion wine. The beers went down fast. Too fast.

  “Are you OK?” Travis asked me.

  I had managed to make it away from the campfire to a big oak tree beside the cabin. I leaned against the tree and threw up.

  “I’ll be OK.”

  “Sure?”

  “Yeah. Just give me a minute.”

  Travis helped me to his car and took me home. Grandma was waiting up for me and was she spitting bullets.

  “Look at you. Drunk as a skunk. Just like your dad. I thought you had better sense than that!”

  “Don’t ever say I’m like my dad.”

  “Well, then don’t act like him.”

  I could taste the vomit in my throat and feel it working its way up. I dashed to the toilet but didn’t make it in time. I barfed all over the bathroom floor. I had never been so sick, and I knew that I never wanted to feel that way again.

  When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t even know how I got to bed. The last thing I remember was throwing up in the bathroom and crashing on the floor. I had the worst headache of my life.

  I was moaning when Grandma walked in.

  “How do you feel this morning?”

  “Terrible. My head’s pounding.”

  “Serves you right for doing something so dumb.”

  “Sorry, Gram.”

  “Don’t sorry me. I’m really disappointed in you, Sarah. Thought you had more smarts than that.”

  “I never had alcohol before, Gram. I swear.”

  “Well, if you know what’s good for you, you won’t drink like that again.”

  Grandma took care of me that day, but she never let me forget how drunk I was. And whenever she’d compare the state I was in that night to Matt’s frequent binges, it was enough to make me swear off alcohol forever. Plus, I just didn’t feel as if getting drunk was worth feeling so lousy the next day.

  So, yeah, hearing Lexie talk about having a party makes me nervous for Olivia. I’d hate to see her get drunk and feel like crap the next day. I wish moment keepers could stop moments from happening. But we can’t. It’s our job to simply observe and record.

  I now know how a parent must feel about their child. It’s like you want your kids to make good decisions and do the right things, but you know that they aren’t always going to. And when they don’t, you hurt for them. You understand that it’s a part of growing up, of maturing. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Especially when you see there’s going to be a train wreck and you can’t do a damn thing to prevent it. This, perhaps, is the hardest part of being a
moment keeper. The times when I know what’s coming and wish I could stop it but I can’t. I’m helpless. I can’t battle free will.

  Lexie’s mom, Lila, peeks in Lexie’s door. “Are you sure you’re going to be OK for the weekend?”

  “I’ll be fine, Mom. Lib’s spending the night.”

  “Yeah, Mrs. Russo. I’ll watch out for her.”

  “OK. But you have all of the phone numbers — the cell-phone numbers, the main number of the hotel where we’re staying, the direct line to the room.”

  “Mom, I’ll be fine. Just go and enjoy yourselves. I’m sixteen now.”

  “And if she needs anything, my parents are right around the corner.”

  As soon as they hear the garage door go down and Lexie’s parents drive away from the house, the girls turn up the music and dance around shouting, “Par-TY! Par-TY! Par-TY!”

  “So what’s the plan?” Olivia asks.

  “Tallen and a few of his friends should be here around seven. Molly, Delaney and Jackie are coming at six so we have two hours to get things ready. Want a drink?”

  “Of what?”

  “Let’s check Dad’s bar. See what’s there.”

  Olivia follows Lexie to the lower level. An L-shaped cherry bar with eight stools sits in one corner. A black leather sectional surrounds a seventy-two-inch flat screen in another corner.

  Olivia notices the poker table. “Looks like it’s set to play.”

  “Yeah. Dad keeps it that way. He got a new pinball machine. Want to see it?”

  Olivia follows Lexie into the adjacent game room with a pool table, air-hockey table, jukebox and a few pinball machines.

  “It’s this one.” Lexie taps the pinball machine.

  The classic machine is white with black and red geometric shapes on the sides. It’s titled Outer Space.

  “Looks old,” Olivia says.

  “It is. Dad only buys old machines that have been restored. This is one he played as a kid in some pizza shop he always went to. He looked for that particular machine forever.”

  Lexie’s cell phone rings. “It’s Tallen.”

  “I’ll wait in the other room.”

  “Go ahead and get a drink if you want.”

  Olivia checks out the bar. She’s never seen so many bottles of liquor. They line shelves on the mirrored hutch behind the bar. Gin. Vodka. Crown Royal. Bailey’s Irish Cream. Kahlua. Seagram’s VO. Bacardi rum, Tequila. Brandy. Cognac. Johnnie Walker Black Scotch. Jim Beam bourbon. Olivia skips the liquor and finds a Diet Pepsi in the refrigerator under the bar next to the built-in in dishwasher and sink.

  A few minutes later, Lexie walks in. “So what’d you get?”

  “Diet Pepsi for now. Everything OK with Tallen?”

  “Yeah. He’s picking Cole up at six-thirty. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

  “Is he bringing anyone else?”

  “That’s what he called about. Two of his friends are working and won’t be over until nine.”

  Lexie gets a glass, fills it with ice and some gin and diet tonic water. “Mom drinks this but she usually puts a slice of lime in it. Guess a squirt of lime juice will have to do since we’re all out of limes.”

  She gets the lime juice from the refrigerator and pours a little in the glass and stirs it with a plastic stirrer. “Want a taste?”

  Olivia shakes her head. “Maybe later.”

  “Lib.” Lexie puts on her serious face. “If you don’t see Tallen and me down here, don’t freak. We might be in my bedroom.”

  “OK. I won’t freak, but are you sure you’re ready for that?”

  “At least third base, maybe I’ll go for a homerun.”

  “But you’ve only been dating a month,” Olivia says.

  “It’s not like I’m a slut, Lib, and going to start sleeping around.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. What I really meant is for you to make sure you want to give him that. That’s all I’m saying. It’s yours to give, when you’re ready. Not his to take when he’s ready.”

  Olivia’s advice makes me proud. I think her mom would be, too, although she’d be mortified that Olivia was even having such a conversation. I wish I would have had an Olivia to talk some sense into me when I was sixteen. Grandma tried, but by that time she was beginning to get sick and I just don’t think she had the energy.

  It was the summer before my junior year in high school when I met Bryan. And it was a summer that changed my life forever.

  Chapter 26

  By the time Molly, Delaney and Jackie arrive, Lexie’s slurring her words.

  “She OK?” Delaney asks Olivia.

  “Yeah, she’s on her third gin and tonic. Next one I’ll make for her.”

  I can read Olivia’s mind and I know that she’ll skip the gin and just use tonic water and a splash of lime. She figures Lexie won’t know the difference.

  “Want a drink?” Lexie asks.

  The girls follow her to the bar.

  “Coke for me,” Delaney says.

  “Howsabout a little rum in that Coke?” asks Lexie, thrusting her head from side to side.

  “OK. But just a little.”

  Lexie pours more than just a little but Delaney takes the drink anyway.

  “I’ll have what she’s having,” Molly says.

  Jackie pulls out a stool and climbs up. “Me, too.”

  “Rum and Cokes for all my besties,” Lexie says.

  Olivia walks behind the bar. “Here, let me help you.”

  “I can do it myselves,” Lexie says. “Howsabout getting the music?”

  Olivia turns on the music and the girls sit around the bar and swap gossip.

  “Did you hear what happened when they had the drug dogs at school the other day?” Jackie asks.

  “I heard Josh Blanchard got nailed,” Delaney says.

  “Yeah. The dogs targeted his car and the cops found pot. The dogs also stopped at JR Dunlap’s Jeep. They didn’t find drugs but they did find a knife.”

  “Not smart,” Olivia says.

  “You got that right,” Jackie continues. “It was a box cutter. Apparently it came from the warehouse where he works. He forgot to take it out of his pocket one day and left it in his car. So he might be expelled because he had a weapon on school property.”

  “A box cutter’s a weapon?” Molly asks.

  “Hell,” Jackie says. “A toenail clipper’s a weapon. Remember that first-grader who was expelled for having a small toenail clipper in his backpack? Anyway, JR’s parents got a lawyer and are fighting it. They also found over-the-counter cold medicine in Ashley Tanner’s car and she got in trouble for that.”

  “Zero tolerance is so dumb,” Olivia says. “Cold medicine. Really? The world isn’t black and white. I think you should look at each case individually.”

  Lexie raises her glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

  The girls raise their glasses and take a swig.

  I have to agree with Olivia. Life isn’t black and white. The black blurs into the white creating gradients. Authority figures don’t like gradients. They like to keep things simple. Right or wrong. Black or White. Not sort of right and sort of wrong. Or sort of black and sort of white. It’s either one or the other. There’s no room for in between.

  But they’re wrong. Sometimes the right answer is the wrong answer and the wrong answer is the right answer and sometimes they’re both a little of each. It’s all a matter of perspective. Life is weird like that. We can all look at a painting and see something different. I might see pain and you might see joy. That’s how life is. When people looked at my life, they probably thought it was pretty OK. I had a grandmother who adored me. I had it better than some people who had parents! And yet what they didn’t see was the loneliness and worthlessness I felt. The times when I was overcome with despair so heavy I could hardly breathe. Having your dad reject you will do that to you.

  “Sarah,” Grandma said one day. “Why do you always look at the glass half empty?”

 
“It’s not that I always look at it half empty, I’m just realistic,” I told her. “No sense in wishing for things that can never be.”

  “It’s not about wishing for the impossible,” Grandma said. “It’s about having hope that life has some pretty good cards in store for you. Maybe not a royal flush, but it could be a straight or four of a kind. That’s still pretty darn good.”

  “Gram,” I said. “I can’t play poker. I don’t have a poker face. I’ll fold my hand every time.”

  The next day I found an Ace of Hearts on my dresser with a note from Gram. It said: Always keep an Ace in the hole.

  The girls are doing karaoke and the doorbell rings.

  “Shhsa,” Lexie says. “Hear that?”

  Olivia turns off the music. The bell rings again.

  “They’re here,” Lexie says. “Omigod. How do I look? Do I look sexy?”

  She turns all pouty lips and twists her head as if she’s posing for one of her cameramen at a magazine photo shoot.

  “You look great,” Olivia says. “Want us to come with you?”

  “Nah,” Lexie says. “You just get ready to Par-Ty.”

  When Lexie returns with Tallen and Cole, the girls are sitting at the bar.

  Lexie leans on Tallen and they walk over. Cole follows a few steps behind. I know it’s a cliché, but he really is tall, dark and handsome. His dark curly hair frames his face and his eyes are so dark they look black. The minute Olivia sees Cole I’m startled by a feeling I’ve never felt before. Olivia is going to fall head over heels for this guy. I feel it and I know she feels it. Her stomach tingles and she grabs it, caught off guard by the strong attraction she feels for someone she hasn’t even been introduced to yet.

  Tallen asks Olivia, “How much has Lex had?”

  “Three.”

  “Nosa I didn’t. I had four,” says Lexie, holding up five fingers.

  Olivia winks and Tallen gives a slight nod, enough to acknowledge that he gets what Olivia is trying to say without saying it – the fourth drink was sans alcohol.

  “Well, girls. You all know Tallen, my sweets,” Lexie says. “This is Cole, his bestie. Cole, this is Jackie and Delaney and Molly and Olivia.”