Upgrade U

by Ni-Ni Simone

  And yeah, all of that is what impressed my parents, but as for me and my crew it was simply the place to be. Period. Dot. Dot. Dot. And yeah we wanted a good education of course, but college was also about evolving into adulthood, living life, making important decisions, partying, and of course being on your game at all times, which is why since all the Internet groupies were gunning for me, we made sure our appearance was hot.

  I wore a well-fitted hot-pink tube dress that outlined my size-fourteen hips perfectly, with the hem of it stopping midway my thighs. The boldness of my outfit clearly said, “Yes, I’m reppin’ well for the big girls.”

  Khya—who swore that voluptuousness was a gift—rocked a pair of leggings and a fitted tee that read: it was

  DEFINITELY ME WHO STOLE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

  Shae threw on a pair of booty shorts and a white middriff halter.

  Nevertheless, no matter how cute we looked it didn’t stop me from being nervous, especially since I hadn’t come clean with them about Josiah. After checking out the scene and nobody daring to step to us, we grabbed breakfast and found us a table near the door.

  “Well, Seven,” Shae said, sipping a bottle of orange juice. “I’m glad you’re not sitting around crying over Josiah, looking like a sad puppy.”

  “I’m telling you, girl, I can’t take a buncha crying and carrying on.” Khya took a bite of her buttered baguette. “I mean, I am considerate, I’ll slide you twenty-four hours to mourn. But after that, I’ma be like, oh, you ‘bout to shut the hell up, cuz.”

  I laughed. “Are you serious?”

  “It don’ matter dough.” Khya smacked her lips and took a sip of her iced coffee. “ ‘Cause you dusted your shoulders off in like five minutes. Please put me down on yo secret.”

  I hesitated. “I just … ummm …” I paused. “You know … like I just figured that things happen.”

  “Like what?” Khya pressed.

  “I don’t know, it just works out. Now, would you two let it go?” I said, frustrated. “I really don’t even wanna think about Josiah. So let’s just hurry up and eat so we can leave. Matter fact,” I said, looking around as more people walked in, “let’s just go back to the dorm now.”

  “Why?” Shae took a bite of her bagel. “We ain’t never scared.”

  “Fa’sho'!” Khya spat. “What, you see somebody, Seven?” She looked wildly from left to right. “Is there a problem up in here?” Khya said, raising her voice and pointing at a few people who turned our way. “What you wanna know if this is Seven McKnight? Huh? Well, it is, so what—you tryna bring it?”

  “Khya, stop it,” I said, tight-lipped. “Before something jumps off.”

  “Oh, I ‘on’t care. ‘Cause I will handle er’body up in here!” She snapped her fingers in a Z motion. “Oh-kay.”

  When the few people who were staring quickly turned away Khya said, “I ain’t think you wanted none.”

  “Forget them,” Shae said. “Who we need to handle is Josiah.”

  “Seriously,” I said, “we’re not going to talk about Josiah again.”

  “You know what I’m thinking?” Khya said, completely ignoring my last statement. “I think we might need to get a gris-gris for Meal Ticket, I mean Josiah. Do you have any strands of his hair?”

  “Ill. No, I don’t have any strands of his hair.” I twisted my lips. “And put something on him like what?”

  “Like what I put on Jamil. Girlie, I put something on Jamil so fierce that one day he was walking down the street and all of a sudden he broke out looking like Bobby Brown. Messed him up for months. I told him, ‘I ain’t the one, Jamil—messing with me ain’t for you.’ How he gon’ cheat on me with Shaka-Locka of all people, this chick look just like Precious. Do you know how much of an insult that was to me? I mean he just straight-up played me for crazy.” She pulled out her phone. “Know what, I need to check this mofo one mo’ time for that crap.”

  “Girl, down,” Shae said, taking Khya’s phone. “Puhlease, let it go.”

  “I’ve let it go,” Khya snapped. “And really, do I sound like I care what Jamil does? Not. I don’t care. But I tell you what, he bet’not”—she pointed her index finger—“be with Shaka-Locka or it’s gon’ be a problem. Other than that, I’m cool—plus that cutie I kicked it with last night just might be enough for me to forget Jamil and take back that gris-gris I had on ‘im.”

  “A gris-who?” I asked.

  “Gris-gris. Gun powder, red pepper, and a chicken bone. Blew it right in his face.”

  What kinda? “It’s official—I’m scared.” I threw my hands in the air. “Maybe, I need to see if there are any single rooms still available.”

  “Nope,” Khya said with a mouth full of food. “That was the RA’s status update last night. But chill, Seven, we don’t have to do any real damage to homie, I mean there’re different types of gris-gris.”

  “What …” Shae said slowly. “… are … you talking about? And why can’t you ever speak in plain English.”

  “Voodoo.” Khya nodded her head to the side for emphasis. “How’s that for plain English?”

  “Voodoo?” me and Shae said simultaneously. “What kinda …?”

  “Put a spell on him.” Khya twisted her lips. “That’s what we need to do for Josiah. I promise you, Seven, we can go and see my grandmama, Maw-Maw Baptiste, and Josiah won’t even know what hit ‘im. All of a sudden he’ll just be walking around and bust out looking like Lady Gaga or Gary Coleman reincarnated. Which one you want?”

  “I’m ‘bout to throw up in my mouth!” I said, gagging.

  “Why you always wanna commit a crime?” Shae shook her head and laughed. “Khya, tell us now, will we need to call your parents for bail money?”

  “Nawl, long as don’t nobody bring it, they don’t get it.”

  No matter how I’d felt, Khya definitely made me laugh. I was laughing so hard that tears poured from my eyes and the only thing that made me stop was this dude walking up to our table and smacking Doublemint gum, like he was popping hard plastic bubbles. “Pardon me,” he said with a twang. “Ah’cuse me.”

  I blinked my eyes twice, because for a moment I thought I was seeing things. Why did this dude have green sponge rollers in his hair and a canary yellow boa wrapped around his neck? He slid his starch white oval shades off and said, “Two snaps up and a fruit loop. Honey, are you Seven?”

  “Ummm,” I stammered. “Yes, I’m Seven and you are?”

  “Courtney, your fierce, fly, and fabulous, neighbor.”

  “Oule,” Khya said, “aren’t you lively?”

  “And you know this.” Courtney snapped his fingers. “But listen, girlfriend, I just came to thank you”—he shook my hand—“for keeping me entertained last night.”

  Entertained? I pointed to my chest. “Huh? Me? I kept you entertained? I didn’t do anything.”

  “Girl, bye.” He pulled up a seat. “You need to stop being shy, cause for-real, for-real if you’re not majoring in theater, you’re missing your calling.”

  Khya looked at me. “What did you do last night?”

  “Nothing.” Don’t ask me why, but my heart was thundering in my chest.

  “Well something went down,” Shae said with a look of confusion.

  “Maybe he was there when I went off on Josiah at the party.”

  “Oh, that was lil daddy’s name?” Courtney said. “Josigh-ya.” He enunciated every syllable. “That’s kinda hot.”

  This cat was working my last nerve. “I umm … really think you have the wrong person, sir,” I said sarcastically.

  “Something told me I shoulda recorded you and posted everything on YouTube.”

  Recorded me? YouTube? Oh, I might be punching him in the face.

  “You made sure your neighbor knew your name,” he carried on. “And I really appreciate that, ‘cause my first night on campus I thought I was gon’ die from boredom and this roommate they have dumped on me—oh, honey.” He wiped his brow as if he were due to faint. “
Say this with me: nasty! I swear all this fool does is pass gas. Air bubbles fallin’ all out his behind.”

  “Oh my …” Khya said, sounding like a southern belle. “You gon’ make me clutch my pearls.”

  “Clutch ‘em, honey, clutch ‘em. ‘Cause I got right down in his face, and said, ‘Let me tell you something, I will fight you. Fart again! Please, fart … again!”

  “Well, it’s official,” I said, throwing a napkin over my food. “Breakfast is over.”

  “Don’t let me stop you from eating your food,” Courtney said. “It’s cool. Plus, you probably need to eat. I’m surprised you have any energy. Being as though, you didn’t get to sleep until about six this morning.”

  “What?” Shae said, shocked. “Okay, please just tell us what you’re talking about.”

  How in the heck does he know what time I went to bed?“Am I the only one who finds this a little freaky?” I looked at Shae and Khya, who paid me absolutely no attention.

  “We think just alike, Seven,” Courtney said, “ ‘cause that’s the same thing I said about you last night.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Check it,” Courtney said, extremely animated. “Picture this. I was talking to my friend, Asha, on the phone telling her how glad I am that I graduated early and was able to come to Stiles U. Because, you know, this is the place to be. And I spoke to her for a long time until she tried to explain to me—why she had a boyfriend and I … well, was the king of single … so I ended up getting off the phone with that heifer.”

  “Where are we going with this?” I spat. “Really.”

  “Baby slow down,” he said. “Bring it back, Seven, I’m getting to the point. Now listen: last night about three I was lying in my bed and all of a sudden I heard, BOOM! BOOM!” He pounded on the table. “Well, you know me; I walked over to my room door, blocked it, and said to my roommate, ‘If an odor floats across this room get ready to die!’

  “After ten minutes passed I ended up not smelling anything so I unblocked the door and laid back on the bed, but I kept hearing this pounding.” Courtney slammed his fist onto the table again. “BOOM! BOOM! That’s when I got up, opened the door, and saw our boo—I mean your boo—standing there begging you through the door crack to open up.”

  What?

  “Oh really?” Shae said, twisting her lips. “Okay, and what else happened?”

  Khya’s mouth dropped open. “O … M … G!”

  “Look, Shae,” I said, “I was going to tell you and Khya, but I just couldn’t—”

  “No, it’s cool,” Shae said. “I’m glad you didn’t tell us, because I’m sure his version is much more detailed than yours would’ve been. So what else happened, Courtney?”

  “Okay, so”—Courtney popped his gum—“he pounded and he pounded, and he screamed, ‘Seven, I love you! Help me, Seven! Help me to love you!’ ”

  “He didn’t do that!” I snapped.

  “You were caught up in the moment, honey, you don’t know. Now let me finish—after he begged and pleaded for me—I mean for Seven—to come save his life, she came out in the hallway and cried, ‘Why-why-why?’ ”

  “That is not the way it happened.”

  “Chile,” Courtney continued on, “I thought fa’sho’ you were going to send cuteness away or bust out screaming, ‘Don’t make me cut you!’ But you didn’t, girl. You were on your grind. You killed that scene.”

  “That is soooo not true!” I chuckled in disbelief. “I swear none of that happened.”

  “Ain’t no need to lie, Seven. If I can room with the connoisseur of farts certainly you can be honest.”

  “Look,” I snapped, “what happened is that Josiah came by to apologize, we talked, he said he didn’t know I was going to be here this week … and we … you know … made up.”

  “You certainly made up,” Courtney carried on. “I mean I missed out on when exactly you two walked into the room because I went to make some popcorn—”

  “Oh, he was in the room too?” Khya said. “No wonder you didn’t want him looking like Gary Coleman.”

  “All I know,” Courtney carried on, “is that once I put the glass to the wall, it was on. Chile, I felt just like a church lady in heat.” He fanned his face. “So anywho now that I know you, Seven, and very well I may add”—he looked at Shae and Khya—“why don’t you introduce me to your friends?”

  I looked at Courtney and rolled my eyes so hard it’s a wonder bullets didn’t shoot from them.

  “Dead!” Courtney screamed. “Courtney’s dead.”

  Hands down, this was some bull. How did he get all in my business and I don’t even know him? And I really wasn’t ready to deal with Shae’s judgment and Khya thinking that I just out and out accepted anything—because that is far from the truth. But what was true was me wanting to kick Courtney’s behind.

  “Don’t be mad, Seven,” Courtney said. “I admire you.”

  “And we admire you, Courtney,” Shae said, “for telling us the truth. So anywho, my name is Shae.”

  “And I’m Khya, wassup, round? I think between my status alerts and your glass to the wall, we gon’ make one hellva team. And I got something that’s gon’ fix your roommate and his lil nasty problem.”

  “Do share, honey, do share.” Courtney popped his gum. “Is it a bullet made out of Imodium AD? ‘Cause he can tear up a bathroom too, chile! Funk miser. Trust, I don’t know where they got this jungle bunny from, but he got to go. And don’t you know he’s from Jersey. A resident of my home town, Newark,” Courtney said in disbelief. “He’s about four feet tall and he calls himself, Lil Bootsy—”

  “You’re from Newark?” I frowned. I sure hope I don’t run into this clown when I go home…. Wait a minute…. What did he say his roommate’s name was? “Who’s your roommate again?”

  “Percy Jenkins, but he calls himself Lil Bootsy.”

  Oh … my … God … Jesus must be pissed off with me—

  Before I could finish my thought, Courtney screamed, “There go the lil freak right there!”

  I turned to the right and in my sight was a nasty ghetto throwback of a mess: Percy a.k.a. Lil Bootsy, b.k.a. Miss Minnie’s son and Cousin Shake’s stepson, the one who always dressed in a sky blue velvet suit and a cape, and thought being called a pimp was the world’s greatest compliment.

  Now I know for sure I have arrived in hell with gasoline panties on.

  Percy walked over to our table and said, “ ‘Sup, Shae? ‘Sup, my beautiful plus-size queen.” He looked at Khya and growled. “Your prince has arrived, and don’t let my size fool ya, ‘cause I like my women big and juicy. Ain’t that right, Seven?”

  “I don’t know what you like.”

  “You need to stop frontin',” Lil Bootsy snorted. “ ‘Cause you know if I wasn’t your cousin I woulda tapped that by now.”

  I completely ignored him.

  “Seven, you don’t see me talkin’ to you?”

  “Don’t worry,” Courtney said, “if they don’t see you they will smell you in about five seconds. Five … four …”

  “What are you doing here?” I snapped in disbelief, I swear I wanted to fight him. Real talk—I couldn’t stand this dude.

  “ ‘Cause this college was cheaper. They accepted me in the EEO program, and my stepdaddy, Cousin Shake, sent me to look after you … so here I am.” He stretched his arms wide and smiled, showing his top grill of pink and yellow gold teeth. He snorted at Khya and said, “You like that, don’t you, girl? I see you watching me. Look at it good now.” He opened his mouth. “Spells, you need to get with me.”

  “Listen, lil avatar,” Courtney said, “she clearly doesn’t want to be bothered with you.”

  “You don’t know what she wants!”

  “Well, I do,” Khya interjected, “and, Seven, I want you to get your lil cousin.”

  “I’m older than her,” Percy said.

  “Well,” Khya continued, “get your lil big cousin.”

  I quickly spat, “He is
not really my cousin.”

  “Oh, you just gon’ disown me right in my face?”

  “She probably don’t see you.” Courtney popped his gum. “She probably still looking for you, ‘cause you so damn little that I’m sure all she hears is a voice.”

  “Oh, I see I’ma have to drop a silent killer for you.” Percy snorted.

  Courtney slapped his hand over his mouth and said, “Oh no!”

  “What the heck are you talking about?” I frowned. “Silent killer?”

  Before he could answer the question I thought for sure I was about to pass out. “What is that smell?” I looked down at Percy, and before I could think of how I was going to lay him to rest, the crowd in the caf started moving swiftly out the door. Oh … hell … no …

  As I went to clobber this weed for chasing everybody out of here, someone yelled, “Parade, y’all!”

  “Parade!” Khya jumped out of her seat. “Oh hell yes, welcome home to me, Khya Baptiste! Welcome home, bey-be! Second line in the hiz’zouse!” She looked at me and Shae in excitement. “Listen, when we get back to the room, Seven, then we’ll discuss how you got lil nasty creatures coming out the woodwork, neighbors all up in ya business, and of course we’ll save the lecture of how you don’t have to accept every apology that homeboy brings, but until we get there, we need to get this parade poppin', now come on!”

  “Parade?” Percy said. “Let me go get my tambourine. Later.” And he ran out.

  Parade? Do I look as if I care about a parade when someone has taken a bullet and shot my life away? “I’m not going. You go ahead.”

  “You trippin',” Khya said. “We all need to be on the second line groovin'!”

  “Don’t worry about her,” Courtney said to Khya. “She’s just a lil upset with me right now. But she’ll get over it.Now, I’ll go with you, I’m all for getting something poppin'. The only things I need to know are: if this second line thing is gon’ sweat my hair out and what exactly is it?”