Shattered Rose (Winsor Series)

by T Gray

  I put my hand on his cheek softly to reassure him and began telling him my story. I could feel my hands shaking, and every part of me screamed to stop for self-preservation. I almost changed my mind, but one look in his genuine eyes, and I knew it was time.

  “Parker, there is a lot people don’t know about me. I’m kind of a closed book in a lot of ways. But you are always somehow finding ways to read me and break through the barriers I set up to keep people away. It scared me at first, but now I feel like I can tell you something I’ve only told one other person in my life. It’s something that I never share because I know that if I ever told the truth, people would look at me different, see me as the fraud that I am.” My voice caught as I said the last word, and Parker grabbed my hand, encouraging me to go on.

  “The reason this matters is because feeling in control is vitally important to me. My family were pros at avoiding conflict, so whenever there was one, nobody seemed to know what to do. I learned very quickly that feelings were best left to myself, and that’s what I did every time I felt anything. I would swallow it and put on a smile, determined to be as strong as I appeared.

  “But I wasn’t strong, and I found at an early age that I could find solace in eating. That it would calm my nerves or ease my pain if I needed it too. It was something I could control when nothing else was going right. The end result was that in junior high I got really heavy. And while it didn’t bother me that much, it just about killed my mom. She started putting me on diets and making me exercise with her, all trying to get my weight under control.

  “Eventually, kids started teasing me at school and soon it became very easy to believe the things they said, which were that I was ugly and fat. Between my mom’s need to change me and the teasing at school, my self-worth started to revolve around what I looked like, and every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw.” Parker reacted to that admission and moved closer to me, taking just a moment to caress my cheek while he listened.

  “A few years later, my body started to change, and I lost a lot of the fat I was carrying and even developed in a way that made boys start to notice me. It was the first time in years that I felt good about myself and started to obsessively diet and exercise to ensure that the weight would never come back.

  “Unfortunately, since I had already wrapped so much emotion into eating, I found it really difficult to eat in a healthy manner. I would start to sneak food when my mom wasn’t looking to get the comfort I needed. But the weight started to come back, so I thought I’d try something I had heard people do, which is to make yourself throw up so you wouldn’t gain weight.” I stared down at my hands, not wanting to go on, but Parker continued to encourage me with his eyes letting me know he wanted to hear more.

  “It worked for a while. I would diet for days or weeks, depending on my will power, and then when it got to be too much, I would go on a binge and throw it up. I had convinced myself that it was the perfect weight maintenance plan and never realized how much it was starting to consume me. I had convinced myself that I was controlling it, not the other way around, and when I got to college, I thought it would go away. I believed that being here would somehow heal me of all the issues that had plagued me being home. So, I stopped…for about four weeks. Unfortunately, I realized in that time that my body image had become so distorted that I needed the process to feel better. When I looked in the mirror, I could only see the flaws and somehow throwing up would make me feel better about it, and then worse again, creating this vicious cycle.

  “Soon, it would make me feel better about a lot of things, a bad grade, a hurt feeling, a bad conversation with my mom. You name it, it became my coping mechanism, and I realized that I couldn’t stop. It was starting to control my life.

  “I never told anyone. It was my secret and I knew as long as no one knew, I could continue to do it, but I started to see how it was effecting the rest of my life. One, I spent most of my freshmen year in isolation, not participating in events or with other students, because I felt so insecure about how I looked. I was constantly comparing my body to other women and always came up short.

  “It was overtaking my life, and I wanted it to stop. So, I told my best friend and she was great about it. She would call and check up on me and would be there for me when I was struggling. This summer, I hit a milestone. I had gone two months without throwing up until the day I stepped back on campus, and then the stress and pressure hit me like a ton bricks.

  “That night in the quad wasn’t just about Jake or my school, but it was also about this. I was in a shame spiral and had just spent weeks indulging in it every day…for hours at a time. I got to the point where I couldn’t even look in the mirror without crying, because I hated what I saw so fiercely.”

  I took his hand, and stared up at him, wanting to convey all the emotion I was feeling towards him. “And then I met you, and somehow it got better. Somehow, I started to believe how you saw me more than how I saw me. I still mess up, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like there’s hope for healing, and I know you’re a part of that. You always say no secrets, so I’m telling you this, because I wanted you to know I trust you.”

  My heart was still beating so hard that it was almost hurting my chest, and I kept my eyes away from him as he processed all the information I had just thrown on him. This was always the moment I dreaded, the one that had previously kept me from sharing my secret. The moment when they would look at me for the first time and despite how hard they tried not to…they would see me differently. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it, for the loss of adoration that always seemed to be there when Parker looked at me.

  I felt his hand on my chin as he brought me up to face him. My eyes were glassy and I knew I was hanging on by a thread. He lovingly caressed my face and then declared, “I love you, Avery. And not despite this or because of this; I love you because you’re you. That will never change.”

  I felt myself exhale as I lost all composure and cried in his arms. I believed him, and I wanted so bad to say it back, but I never found the words. Instead I held him close, hoping in some way he knew how precious he was to me.

  When I had calmed and wiped my eyes, Parker took my hand and squeezed it. “Avery, I know I’ve failed when it comes to talking with you about what I believe, but I think now more than ever, I need to explain why Christ is so important to me. You see, He is the one who has shown me how to love because He loves us even though we constantly mess up. It’s important you understand this, Avery, because I know that I can only offer you a small glimpse into the unconditional love that Christ has for you.”

  I watched Parker’s eyes light up with passion and intensity. I knew he fully believed what he was telling me. I wanted to believe it too, but it felt too easy. If there was a God, he certainly wouldn’t find me worthy of his love. I didn’t want to talk about it any more so I just smiled at Parker and said, “Thank you.” As usual, he sensed the conversation was over.

  We made our way back down the mountain and enjoyed the sunset together out on the deck. Parker told me all his stories from Christmas, and I spent most of the time laughing so hard my side hurt. His brother and family were in the States for the holiday and their three-year-old son was quite the showboat, always looking for new ways to get everyone’s attention. It sounded like an amazing time, and I couldn’t help but hope one day I would get to meet them.

  Parker grilled us a wonderful meal and it honestly felt like I had stepped into a perfect world I never wanted to leave. He didn’t even watch me while I ate, which I was sure would happen once he knew my secret. In fact, the knowledge of it didn’t seem to change us at all. It almost made me wonder why I had kept it hidden for so long.

  We started a fire and then stretched out on pillows and blankets that Parker put on the floor for us. The fire was crackling, and I could hear Parker breathing as my head rested quietly on his chest.

  “Can I ask you a question about it?” Parker asked hesitantly after a few minut
es of silence.

  “I guess that’s fair after dropping it on you like that.” I was trying to make light of it, but deep down I was nervous.

  “When is the last time you did it?”

  “Finals week, and before that it was the night we walked along the river,” I answered honestly. “I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not a daily struggle anymore, but I seem to get just shy of that one month point, and then something triggers it. It’s like this elusive goal I can’t seem to reach.”

  “You’ll reach it. I know that without question,” he said confidently. “And what about your friend. Is she still there for you to talk to?”

  My heart tugged a little as I thought of the estranged relationship between Cara and me. “No, our friendship wasn’t able to handle her knowing,” I answered with regret. “It wasn’t her fault…it was all me.”

  He seemed to hold me tighter, and I wondered if he was questioning like I was, if ours too, would fail this test. I suddenly felt nervous and wanted reassurance that we were still close, that he still wanted me like he used to. I rolled over and started kissing him, moving my body to where it was completely on top of his. He responded as I’d hoped and kissed me back with all the passion and desire he once had. I felt desperate to be closer to him, like I wanted his body to completely envelope me into it. I straddled his waist and started kissing his neck and his ear. I could feel him respond and the more passionately he kissed me, the bolder I became.

  He sat up and pulled me close to him to where our torsos where right up next to each other. I had never wanted him so badly and pulled his shirt off with such force that my body was shaking. He grabbed the back of my head and brought our lips together with such intensity that every one of my senses were awakened.

  But like always, he slowly put the breaks on and left me panting, wanting so much more.

  “Don’t you want me?” I asked breathless, staring at him.

  “Of course I want you, Avery. You have no idea how badly, but we’re not ready for this,” he said looking as flushed as I was.

  I got off his lap and turned away. I could hear him put back on his shirt and come sit next me as I faced the fire.

  “Avery, if we do this now. It will confuse everything,” he said trying to explain.

  “What if it doesn’t? What if it makes it better?” I asked, trying not to sound as desperate as I felt.

  “It won’t.”

  “You don’t know that, Parker.”

  “Yes, I do,” he stated softly. “Avery, we aren’t there yet. I know you don’t fully understand my faith yet, but I pray one day you will. I believe that sex is meant for marriage, when two people are promised for a lifetime. If we cross that boundary now, we can’t go back, and it will give us a sense of closeness to each other that we are not emotionally ready for.”

  I put my head in my hands, not wanting to hear what he was saying. How was it possible that I was trying to convince a twenty-one year old man to have sex with me? It seemed laughable.

  “Avery, part of what’s so special in our relationship is the journey, and I don’t want to take any step for granted.” He moved a piece of hair off my face and looked pleadingly at me, trying to get me to understand.

  “So you’ve never been tempted?”

  “Tempted? Yes, Avery, all the time, especially since I met you,” he answered honestly. “But I’ve never acted on it, and I try my best not to put myself in compromising situations.” I turned my head away, ashamed I couldn’t give the same answer. He was quiet for a long time and then asked, “Have you?”

  I didn’t say a word, just stared at him with all the shame and hurt consuming me and looked back down at my knees.

  He let out a long sigh and laid back on the floor with his hands over his head. “Jake,” he said flatly, his contempt apparent. “Is there anything that guy didn’t take from you?” He wasn’t really talking to me anymore—just seemed to be asking the air.

  I felt the tears start to come and wanted to crawl in the deepest hole I could find. He was too good for me, and he deserved better. I knew it, and it was only a matter of time before he realized it too.

  After he seemed to have time to process the new information, he sat back up and wrapped his arms around me. I immediately relaxed into him, wanting to enjoy the last few moments I had before it was all taken from me.

  “It doesn’t change anything for me,” he whispered softly.

  “How can it not?” I asked through my tears.

  “I won’t lie, I hate it. I hate it so much that it makes my stomach turn when I think of you with him. I don’t think I’d be human if that weren’t true.” He stopped talking for a second and then moved my hair so he could kiss my shoulder. “You have to understand, though, when I look at you…I just see you…nothing else. And I’m in love with you. I don’t care about your past. I see who you are becoming.” His voice was soft and I felt like his words were caressing every inch of my soul.

  That day with Parker had been the most amazing of my life, and even though I felt physically drained when he walked me to my door, I was more emotionally sure than I had ever been in my life. He kissed me goodbye with all the tenderness I had come to love about him, and I shut the door.

  Jake was on the couch, sleeping, and I looked at him resting peacefully. He still looked strangely confident and vulnerable at the same time, but different tonight, less enchanting somehow. I could see him clearly, without blinders, for the first time. I stepped quietly in my room. There was no confusion tonight.

  “Lord, I pray that she will soar like the eagle’s wings and that you will enable her to stand on the heights…”

  18. NEW YEAR’S

  The day of the ball was finally here and I felt as giddy as a school girl. Issy was in her own frenzy, getting the apartment ready for the “epic” party she had planned for tonight. I helped her by vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen, although I couldn’t understand why she cared when her friends were just going to trash the place within fifteen minutes of getting there.

  “Are you sure you want to do this, Issy? New Year’s parties have a bad habit of getting out of control,” I asked as we cleaned.

  She gave me a disapproving look and scolded, “Avery, you are way too practical. I am the queen of party hosting; I practically do it all the time at other people’s apartment. This time I won’t have to go anywhere. Besides, it’s all apartment folks, so they will totally go home when it’s over.”

  “Did you invite Danny and Aaron?” I asked hesitantly. Issy and I hadn’t discussed him in a while, but I’d run with him the other day and he seemed to be doing better.

  Issy rolled her eyes and grabbed her phone. “You don’t want to go there. I’m still trying to decide how you are going to make this one up to me.” She handed me her phone and pressed play on the voicemail. The sound of Danny’s voice was heartbreaking. He was obviously drunk and slurring his words, and he went from yelling at her to telling her how much he cared about her.

  I looked at Issy who had her eyebrow raised and was tapping her finger on the countertop. “That little message got him put right on the blocked caller’s list,” she said flatly. It amazed me that she could have no compassion for him at all. I shook my head and handed the phone back to her.

  Minutes later, Jake was hauling in kegs with a dolly, and I cringed when I saw there were three of them. I felt grateful Issy’s family was wealthy because I had a bad feeling that this place was going to need some serious work in the morning.

  I pulled off the latex gloves I was wearing, the fumes from the cleaning products starting to make me dizzy, and went to my room to go change. I needed to get a run in before Parker came to pick me up. It was a two and a half hour drive to the ball, and we were leaving at three-thirty to give us plenty of time to get there. Parker tried to explain all the military jargon and expectations to me, but it was way over my head. It all seemed to boil down to the fact that we couldn’t be late.

  Jake looked up as I wal
ked past him and shot me his signature smile…no butterflies came. “You’re going to be here, right? It’s only fitting that you would toast in the New Year with us,” he asked flirtatiously.

  “Um, no, I have plans tonight with Parker. We are going to a military ball.”

  “Sounds horribly boring,” he replied, raising his eyebrows as if I felt the same way. If he was trying to be charming, he was failing miserably.

  I shot him a dirty look and turned away. “No, it doesn’t.”

  “So, are you two going to get all shacked up in a sleazy hotel tonight and finally consummate this relationship?” Issy asked from the kitchen in her usual playful tone.

  “Issy!” Jake and I yelled in unison.

  “Why don’t you two worry about your party and not what I’m doing,” I retorted, frustrated with their implications. “I’ll be back tonight, but it will be well past midnight, and my clothes will have stayed on.”

  Jake rested his arm on the bar and smiled mischievously at me. “I’ll be here when you get back.” I rolled my eyes and slammed my door. He frustrated me so much. Their comments did nothing but cheapen the relationship I had with Parker, one that went well beyond parties or lust. It was real and honest, and I refused to let them ruin what I knew would be a perfect evening.

  Hours later, I stood staring at myself in the mirror. I was ready to go, wearing the most beautiful gown I had ever owned. I piled my hair up on my head and just let multiple ringlets hang down around my face and down my back. The exquisite shawl Issy had given me hung around my shoulders, and I chose long silver earnings as my only accessory. I examined every inch of my body and face, and it looked different tonight. It wasn’t perfect, but I was ok with it. I could even see the beauty in it.

  The clock said 3:20 p.m. and I knew Parker would be here soon. I stepped out of my room, making sure to lock the door. Jake was standing near Issy’s room talking to her as she got ready. He glanced my way and I saw his face change. It was look I’d never seen before, but so intense that I had to look away.