Desire Too Hot To Handle: The Bad Baker Boys: John's Story

by Tonya Brooks

  "Yes, I do," she insisted. "You need to understand and this is the only way." She took a calming breath and continued. "I didn't know a lot about Aunt Harley's marriage, but I did know that Matt had cheated on her, and that Aunt Desi's boyfriend had dumped her when she got pregnant."

  "Needless to say, I didn't have a very good impression of men in general growing up," she confessed. "Even though the reasons changed, they always wound up leaving. So, after losing the two most important men in my life, I was heartbroken and determined to never let another man get close to me."

  "My college roommate was a lesbian and our mutual dislike of men formed a bond between us. Over time our friendship turned into a relationship. Since she wasn't a man, I felt safe with Mickey," she said and then smiled sadly. "In some ways she hurt me more than Jonah had. He died. Mickey just left me."

  "As soon as we graduated, she said we were through, packed her bags and headed home to play the perfect daughter." Cyn admitted heavily. "I begged her to tell her parents about us, but she was too afraid of their reaction. She said they would never understand and our relationship would only embarrass her family."

  When John shot to his feet and began to cuss a blue streak, she fixed him with a challenging look and demanded, "Does it shock you or disgust you to know that I was in love with a woman?"

  Instead of answering her question, he pinned her with that piercing gaze and countered with, "What would you say if I told you that I had been in love with a man?"

  "I'd call you a liar," she admitted bluntly.

  "You'd be wrong," he responded flatly. And there it was. With three little words John had laid his soul bare.

  A gamut of emotions surged through Cyn before realization dawned. "You were in love with Rex."

  "And I gave him the same line of bullshit that Mickey gave you," he confessed and began to pace. "I mean I was one of the bad Baker boys. How the hell was I supposed to tell my family that I was in love with a dude?" Tears shimmered in the too blue eyes as he forced himself to look at her. "Because I was a coward and rejected him, Rex killed himself. And I have to live with that shit."

  His emotional torment was tearing her up inside. "John, you don't know that," Cyn protested as she stood and went to him. "His death was ruled an accident."

  He shook his head adamantly, a lone tear sliding down his cheek. "I found him, Cyn. He left me a letter and I made damn sure that no one else ever saw it. Rex fought so hard to maintain his image and he deserved to die with dignity."

  "Did he blame you?" She asked, heart in her throat.

  "No. He just said he was tired of the lies," he admitted. "The note was to tell me that I'd made him happier than he'd ever been. And to beg me to forgive him." John swallowed painfully. "If I'd been stronger he'd still be alive today."

  “You can’t blame yourself, John,” Cyn insisted. “It was his decision.”

  “A decision that I caused him to make,” he countered and began pacing again.

  “You’re wrong,” she denied. “It wasn’t your fault that he died any more than it’s my fault that Mickey left me. Some things just aren’t meant to be and no matter how painful it is, we have to let go and move on.”

  “But you’re not moving on, Cyn,” he shot back. “You won’t open up and let me love you.” When she gasped in shock, he added, “Yeah, I said it and I meant it. I love you.”

  Her heart did a funny little flip and the breath lodged in her throat. No. He didn’t love her. He couldn’t. She shook her head in denial. “You don’t love me, John.” Cyn said sadly. “This is just transference.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “You're a classic example of a dominant alpha male. It’s in your nature to protect the ones that you care about,” she began her psychoanalysis of his behavior. “Rex's loneliness roused those protective instincts and when he died, you saw it as your inability to protect him from himself. Which simply is not true, by the way. Now I come along with a stalker in pursuit and those same instincts are roused again. You’re just transferring your feelings for him onto me because you feel the need to protect me.”

  “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” he growled and stalked over to grasp her shoulders. “What I feel for you has nothing to do with Rex. I love you, Cyn and I want a real relationship with you.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” she denied while her heart screamed in protest that it was too late.

  “Don’t you dare tell me that you feel nothing for me,” he warned and barely resisted the urge to shake some sense into her. “I’ve seen it in your eyes and felt it in your touch. We were meant to be together and you know it.”

  “What I know is that I’ve been down this road before and I can’t do it again,” she said and pulled away from his light hold. “I will never give you my heart, John. There isn’t enough left of it to share.”

  John watched her walk away in frustration. There had to be some way to get through to her. Something that he could do to make her see that he wasn’t like the ones who had hurt her.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sunday, June 8

  Jed heard the music before he entered the gym. It was a sound that he hadn't heard in a long time. A sound that he had hoped to never hear again. The sound of his youngest son's heart breaking. He looked at his eldest and demanded, "What happened?"

  Matt placed the weights on the rack and sat up on the bench. "Danni brought in the head of her record label last night," he explained and wiped his face with a towel. "He offered the band a contract."

  That was what the boy had always wanted, so it damn sure didn't explain why John was in the music room pouring his emotions into every note he played on the piano. "That ain't why he's upstairs," he denied. There had to be more.

  Matt knew exactly what his father meant. His little brother was hurting and it was obvious in his music. He finished wiping down his chest and arms before he admitted, "I don't think Cyn took the news well. She looked like she was gonna be sick."

  Yeah. That would do it. He'd bet his last dime that the couple had fought about it. There weren't too many women who'd like the idea of their man traipsing around the country while other women threw themselves at him. Not too many men who'd like it either. "He been at it all night?" He queried.

  Considering it was six A.M. and the club hadn't closed until two, Matt guessed, "Probably about three hours now."

  Jed grunted his acknowledgement and headed up the stairs, determined not to let this situation get out of hand again. Eight years ago the band had brought John back home from California in bad shape. The boy had been strung out on drugs, in a deep state of depression and a shadow of his former self. It had been a sorry sight to see.

  His first impulse had been to kick John's ass, but one look at the desolation in those blue eyes so like his mama's had been like a fist in the gut. Jed had recognized that look. He'd seen it in the mirror too many times not to. His son was a broken man, and he needed help desperately. He had wrapped his arms around him and held on while the boy fell apart.

  John had refused to go to rehab, he'd wanted to tough it out cold turkey. Letting him suffer through withdrawal was pure hell, but Jed and his two oldest sons had stayed with the boy night and day until the worst had passed. The situation had assured the older man of two things. John had thought he deserved to suffer. And he was the toughest son of a bitch he'd ever seen.

  He stepped inside the music room and saw the boy seated behind the piano at the far end. John's eyes were closed as his fingers pounded every ounce of pain and anguish, grief and fury into the keys. He'd spent nearly a year doing the same damn thing when he came back home. A year in which he'd barely ate, rarely slept, worked like a dog all day and played the piano all night.

  John had refused to touch his guitar, or play with the band. He'd shut himself off from everyone and everything until his father couldn't stand watching him tear himself apart any more. Jed had padlocked the music room and that had gotten a r
eaction. The boy had finally showed an emotion besides apathy. He'd been livid.

  The family patriarch had informed him that when he started eating and sleeping, he could have the key. They'd had an argument that had led to John calling his father out while his brothers watched in disbelief. Jed had been prepared for that as well. He'd told the boy to step outside and then he had kicked his ass good fashion.

  Then he'd picked him up, hauled him up to the music room and sat him on a couch. Jed had placed the guitar on the couch beside him and said, "I quit caring about everything when your mama died and lost myself in a bottle for months. Then I realized that you boys were my reason to keep on living."

  When John just glared at him sullenly through the eye that wasn't swollen shut, he added, "Music is your reason. Stop trying to punish yourself for whatever you think ya done wrong. Use that damn gift to honor the one ya lost." That said, he went back to the house and left him alone. An hour later they heard the sound of the guitar being played and he had smiled in genuine relief. John was gonna be just fine.

  John knew that his father was there. He also knew that the old man would just stand there and wait until he was ready to talk. Well, he wasn't ready, and he wasn't talking. "Music too loud, Pop?" He asked and kept right on playing.

  "Nope," Jed denied as he walked over and slid his hand over the smooth rosewood of the upraised top. The piano looked and sounded as beautiful as it had the day he'd bought it. And it still hurt every goddamn time he saw it. This time it was a bittersweet pain and he owed that to the woman he'd left sleeping peacefully in their bed. He had discovered that time could not heal all wounds. But love could. It was time his youngest learned that lesson as well. "Thought you might wanna talk about it."

  "Nope," came the flat denial as he poured himself into the music.

  "Tough shit," the older man replied just as bluntly. He was tired of seeing his son suffer needlessly. John had finally found happiness and he was dammed if he'd let him sink back into the shell of a man that he had become. "You're gonna do it anyway."

  John slammed his fingers onto the keys with a discordant clang and opened bloodshot eyes to glare at his father. The mutinous expression on the old man's face was one he knew well. Yeah, he was gonna talk alright. Either that or get his ass kicked again. Somehow the ass kicking seemed like a better idea right then. "Don't push it, old man," he warned.

  Jed folded his arms over his chest and returned the look evenly. "Son, I took it easy on ya the last time I kicked your ass, but you won't be that lucky this time," he said sternly. "Now stop tryin' to provoke me and start talkin'."

  Raking both hands through his hair, John rose and walked over to the fridge to grab a beer. He twisted the top off and drained half of it in one swallow. He was nowhere near hammered enough for this shit. "Rebel Records offered the band a contract," he finally said into the charged silence.

  "Congratulations. You earned it," the older man admitted as he leaned against the side of the piano. "What went wrong after that?"

  "Cyn refused to go on the road with me," he admitted and barely resisted the urge to punch something. "Hell, she won't even have a real relationship with me."

  "Why not?"

  "Because she's been hurt too many times," he complained and dropped heavily onto a couch, the bottle dangling between his knees. "She thinks I'm walking away from her like everyone else has."

  "What did you tell her?" Jed queried as he walked over and sat across from him.

  "That I love her," he admitted and dropped his head against the back of the couch.

  "And?"

  "She doesn't love me," was said painfully.

  "Bullshit," his father snorted. That lil gal had stars in her eyes when she looked at the boy. She loved him alright.

  John fixed those too blue eyes on his father and asked, "How do I make her love me, Pop? How do I prove that I'm not gonna walk away and leave her?"

  "She already loves ya, Son. She's just too scared to admit it," he said sagely. "The only way to prove you won't leave her is by being with her every day."

  "How the hell am I supposed to do that when I'm on tour?" He demanded, drained the bottle and sat it on the coffee table.

  "Don't suppose ya can," he denied. "But you're here now. You've still got time to convince her."

  "Not much," he denied and folded his arms over his chest. "Johnny wants us in Nashville by the end of the month to start doing some promo events."

  "A lot can happen in three weeks," he pointed out. "Took less than that for you to fall in love with her."

  "She doesn't want to love me, Pop," he complained. "And she doesn't believe I love her. Started spouting some psycho bullshit about transference."

  The older man frowned at that. "The hell does that mean?"

  John scowled and admitted, "She thinks it's some protective thing because of the stalker."

  "Is it?" Jed queried.

  "Hell, no," he growled. "I love that woman. She's made me feel alive again for the first time since..." John bit off that train of thought because he sure as hell wasn't going there with the old man. Even if he did kick his ass.

  Jed sat quietly for a minute before he said what needed to be said. Hell, it was long overdue anyway. "When I met your mama, I was a broken man. She chased my demons away and brought the sunlight back in my life. Made me want to live again. Losing her damn near destroyed me," he admitted.

  "Just like losing Rex damn near destroyed you," he said in quiet confidence and saw his sons head jerk up, startled blue eyes meeting his. "To find love again is nothin' short of a miracle, so don't give up on Cyn. As long as there is breath in that body, you fight for the one you love."

  Holy fuckin' shit! The old man knew. Somehow he knew about Rex. John was just a hair away from full out panic mode. His heart was hammering like crazy, his lungs weren't getting enough air and he felt like he might pass out any second. "Pop, I didn't..." he began to protest in a strangled tone.

  "Yeah, ya did," the older man confirmed. "Knew it the minute I laid eyes on ya. Took me and the boys a few days to put it together and your band sure as shit didn't give up any info." He paused for a second to let that sink in and added, "Can't help who ya love, Son. That ain't a choice we get to make. Ain't nobody got the right to judge ya for it either."

  He sucked in a wheezing breath and his trademark voice was filled with rasp when John asked incredulously, "You've known all along? All of you?"

  Jed nodded solemnly. "Luke was off at law school, but Matt and Mark were here when the DT's had ya talkin' outta your head. Somethin' else ya need to understand. A father's love is unconditional. Ain't nothin' ever gonna change that," he vowed as he rose. He was almost at the door when John called out to him. Jed turned and waited expectantly.

  John got off of the couch and walked across the room to wrap his father in a hug. "Love ya, Pop," he said tremulously and felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. His father and brothers knew that he'd been in love with another man and they hadn't condemned him. Hadn't even been disappointed or disgusted. Goddamn, it was awesome.

  Jed hugged him fiercely, a huge smile on his face. "Love you too, Son."

  John sank wearily onto the couch again when he was alone, still stunned at his father's revelations. This had been the most unsettling night of his life. Baring his soul to Cyn had forced him to revisit the past and for the last few hours he'd been dealing with shit that he thought he had put behind him. Now he realized that he had just hidden it away.

  He was a sexual creature by nature and had never shied away from trying what others considered taboo. Hell, he'd had his first threesome with a set of twins in high school. Then when they went on the road, some crazy chick had insisted that he and Alex do her at the same time. After that, sharing a woman became something they did routinely.

  Having sex with another man wasn't something that he had ever considered before he met Rex. Hell, he hadn't even considered it when the other man had confessed t
hat he was gay. By that point, the bad boy and the actor had formed a bond that exceeded friendship and it had seemed like a natural progression.

  Had he been ashamed of it? Hell no, but small towns like Lakeside were not known for their open minded views on same sex relationships. His family would have been a laughingstock if the truth ever became public knowledge.

  There was no way in hell he could have handled seeing shame or condemnation in his father and brothers eyes. John would have done anything to prevent that from happening. So he had kept it a closely guarded secret and never even let his best friend know.

  Because of his public image, Rex had understood the need for absolute secrecy, but he hadn't understood why John refused to tell his friends and family. The actor had been hurt and had accused him of being ashamed of their relationship. They'd had a hell of a fight and John had stormed out of the house.

  Once he came to his senses, it was too late. Rex was already dead. The guilt he felt over that had nearly killed him and he hadn't even been able to discuss it with anyone. John had started using drugs and alcohol to deaden the pain, but when he sobered up it was still there. He solved that problem by staying wasted all the time.

  After the band had intervened and brought him home, his only outlet for the emotions roiling through him had been the piano. Night after night he had channeled everything into his music. All of the guilt he felt for Rex's death, the shame for not having been strong enough to admit the truth, and the grief at the loss of someone he loved.

  He'd let his band down by giving up on their dream and refusing to play. Hell, he'd let himself down, but he hadn't been able to touch his guitar. Not when playing it gave him so much pleasure. Pleasure that he did not deserve to feel. He just couldn't force himself to pretend that everything was okay and nothing had happened.

  Now John had to wonder if it was losing Rex that had damn near killed him, or the way that he had lost him. Because what he had felt for the other man was nothing like his feelings for Cyn. He loved her with every fiber of his being. She was the music in his soul. The beat of his heart. His reason for living. There was no shame, no guilt or confusion where she was concerned. He wanted everyone to know that he loved her, that she was his.