Infinite Loop

by Meghan O'Brien

  Understanding for the first time how deep Mel’s mistrust ran, Regan strode out of the bathroom and halted at the end of the bed. “You know what I always find annoying?” she asked.

  The look Mel gave her was so naked that Regan’s heartbeat seemed to falter in her chest. “What?”

  “In books and movies, when people struggle in their relationships, but can never see what’s happening between them because things get left unsaid. Because they don’t just talk to one another. You know what I mean?”

  “Yeah. I know what you mean.”

  Regan sat on the bed next to Mel and took her cold hand. “I always get so fucking frustrated by that. It makes me want to scream, just tell her, you moron! Say what you need to say, because that’s the only way things are gonna work out!’“

  “I don’t know if it’s that simple.”

  Regan looked hard into gray eyes and brought Mel’s hand to her lips, planting a string of kisses across her knuckles. “It doesn’t have to be hard.”

  Mel’s eyes were heavy with pain, regret, and what shone like nervous hope. She looked as if she were right on the verge of taking a big leap from some impossible height, steeling her nerve and praying that she could trust her instincts.

  “Let’s not do that,” Regan murmured. “Let’s not leave things unsaid. You can trust me. I promise.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.” Regan held her gaze for a long moment of unblinking intensity. “I know it’s worth it.”

  “I’m terrified of how fucked-up I am,” Mel said. “I saw it today. I’m scared that you’re going to realize how fucked-up I am, and you’re going to figure out that I’m not worth the trouble.”

  “I thought I’d made it obvious that everything about us feels right to me. I’ve never met someone who makes me feel like you do. Don’t you feel it, too?”

  “I do. And that’s what scares me so much. I’m so terrified about…needing you like this.”

  “Because you think that, one way or the other, you’re gonna lose me eventually?”

  “Maybe not tonight, but at some point—”

  “Why do you think you’re so easy to throw away?” Regan interrupted Mel with a scolding squeeze around the middle. “You’re my best friend as well as my lover. You’re not going to lose me. No matter what else happens, I’ll always want to be your friend.”

  “You’re my best friend, too,” Mel murmured.

  “So then you have nothing to worry about,” Regan said, and pulled back to give Mel a serious look. “I take friendships very seriously. I don’t just end them. I don’t just leave.”

  “I guess I just haven’t had good luck with caring about people. It’s hard to risk that kind of pain again.”

  “Your mother?”

  “That’s part of it. My dad, you know, and my brother. Lauren.” Mel’s voice broke a little on the name.

  Regan hesitated, but sensed that this was her chance. Best friend and first lover…You know you’re dying of curiosity. And she actually brought her up. She caressed Mel’s cheek. “Tell me.”

  Mel met her gaze, gray eyes stormy with her struggle. “I’ve never talked about this before. With anyone.”

  “You don’t have to talk about it now.” Her eyes remained locked with Mel’s. “But I’d like it if you did.”

  “When my dad kicked me out of the house, it was because he caught me with Lauren. It was—” She laughed, a hollow sound. “It was my first time. Both of ours.”

  “Jesus. I can’t imagine, honey. I’m sorry.”

  “When he walked in on us, he pulled me off of her, screaming at me and calling me names. He started punching me, hitting me…right in front of her.” Mel squeezed the back of her neck, obviously struggling with telling her story. “God, she was so scared. So was I. He was so out of control, I thought he was going to kill me.”

  “God,” Regan whispered. She pulled Mel close, pleased when she didn’t resist the embrace.

  Mel’s tears began anew. “I was totally humiliated. Seventeen years old, naked, having just experienced what was, at the time, one of the most intense moments of my life, and I was getting the shit beaten out of me by my alcoholic father who kept screaming at me that I was a dirty queer and a whore.”

  If I ever see her father, she’s going to have to hold me back. Regan kept her eyes calm and reassuring despite the rage that burned through her body. Mel’s fears, her fragile confidence, her insecurities…everything made so much more sense to her now.

  “Lauren grabbed her clothes and ran out of the house after he started hitting me. The whole thing really upset her,” Mel said. “I couldn’t blame her. It was devastating.”

  “And that’s when the relationship ended?”

  “She was afraid of my dad. And she was afraid of what her parents would think if he outed her to them. She stopped talking to me.”

  “So in one night, you lost your father, your brother, and your lover,” Regan said. “And you feel bad about being a little messed up?”

  “I’m a lot messed up.”

  “We’re all messed up,” Regan said, and kissed the dark hair that tickled her nose. She curled her arm around Mel’s tense shoulder, pulling her close. “Nearly everyone I know is messed up in some way or another. The interesting ones, at least. Do you really think I’m not going to want you if you’re not a flawless, self-actualized adult human being?”

  Mel snuffled quietly, and shook her head. “Not flawless—”

  “‘Cause if you’re expecting perfection, Mel, let me just warn you now. I’ve got problems, too. I screw up, and things upset me. Silly things. You’re not perfect and neither am I. Nobody is.” She reached down and captured Mel’s chin in her hand, turning her face up until their eyes met. “It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being perfect for me.”

  Mel broke their gaze and buried her nose in Regan’s chest. “I’m not saying I should be perfect.”

  “And I think you might be, Mel. I think you could be perfect for me.” She felt the body in her arms begin to tremble, and she continued, “I’m not going to suddenly decide I can’t handle this. Nothing, nobody, is going to chase me away or convince me otherwise, you hear me? Not even you.”

  Regan felt the wetness soaking through her T-shirt just as Mel muttered, “Goddamn it.”

  “I promise, baby,” Regan said. Kissing her lover’s dark hair, she whispered, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, how beautiful you really are.”

  Mel tightened her arms around Regan’s middle. “I’ve wished the same thing for you, you know.”

  “See?” Regan murmured, and smiled. “Perfect.”

  Between the tears and the fists, she looked like hell. And even still, like the most breathtaking person Regan had ever known. “Thank you for making me feel better. Again.”

  “Thank you for letting me,” Regan said. “You feel better?”

  “I think you chased it away pretty well this time.” Mel drew back and stared into her eyes. “This thing between us. It’s moving really fast, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is.” Regan found her lips instinctively, meeting Mel halfway as she leaned in for an intimate kiss. The moment of reconnection made Regan’s entire body feel warm, and though she felt too exhausted to escalate into passion, she felt her emotion rising. The kiss heightened in intensity until Mel winced and pulled back to touch her cut lip with an apologetic smile.

  “Sorry about that,” Regan said.

  “My fault. I’m the one who decided to throw myself in front of his fist.”

  As much as she didn’t want to encourage her, Regan had to let Mel off the hook just a little bit. “For the record, I kind of liked the whole knight in shining armor thing. Coming to my defense and all.” At Mel’s gooey grin, she narrowed her eyes and pinned her with a serious look. “Just don’t make a habit of it, okay? I don’t think my heart can take it.”

  Mel adjusted her expression to one of
suitable gravity. “I promise.”

  Chapter Eleven

  The address Mel had gotten from her father was a tiny apartment complex with a musty smell in its stairwell. She followed Regan inside on hesitant feet, gazing around at the row of mailboxes on the wall and a recycling bin by the door. These were things that her brother saw every day; the idea was surreal to her. He was a man now, and she barely knew him.

  Her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest when Regan started up the steps, so she stopped her with a panicked hand on her arm. “Wait.”

  Regan turned and gazed down at Mel on the step below her. “Okay?”

  With an explosive sigh, Mel turned to sit down on the step where she stood. She dropped her head into her hands and stared at the dirty red carpet beneath her feet. “I feel sick.”

  It was a moment before Regan dropped down to sit beside her. “It’s going to be okay, you know.” She reached over and took Mel’s hand. “I promise. No matter what happens, it’ll be okay.”

  And it would, because Regan was with her. Mel gave her a sidelong glance and a grateful nod. “I trust you.”

  “Then come on,” Regan stood and offered her hand with a smile. “Let’s go do this, baby.”

  “Right. Okay.” Mel allowed Regan to pull her to her feet.

  Upstairs, down a dim hallway, they came to a stop in front of a battered door marked with the number 427. “This is it, right?” Regan asked.

  Mel pulled a creased piece of paper from her pocket, unfolding it and glancing at the address she already knew by heart. This was where her brother lived, according to her father. She couldn’t quite imagine knocking on the door.

  “Mikey, get back upstairs!”

  Mel looked on in horror as her younger brother walked down the stairs behind her screaming father. He stopped short and stared at her when she yelled up at him, giving her a frightened look.

  “Say goodbye to Laney, Mike,” her father said as he turned around and grabbed Mike’s skinny arm. He dragged him down the last few steps, and then turned to glare at Mel. “Tell her we don’t want any fucking queers in this family.”

  Mike flinched and looked up at Mel with wide eyes. The tears blurred her vision and stung, making the sight of her brother even more painful than the rib she was sure her father had cracked when he’d pulled her off Lauren.

  “Mike—” Mel sobbed.

  “Or maybe you’re just a queer like your bitch sister, huh, Mike?” Her father clapped Mike on the back, drawing a wince from the gangly boy. “Is that it?”

  Mike pinned Mel with a terrified look, then dropped his gaze to the carpeted floor. “Nah,” he said. His voice, so newly deep, shook. “I hate queers.” He raised shining eyes to her face. “They make me sick.”

  That had been the last time she’d seen her brother. “We were so close once,” Mel whispered. “I’m afraid we’ll never get that back.” She turned to regard Regan, letting her fears take over for a moment. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he really does hate me?”

  “He doesn’t hate you. And if he isn’t happy to see you, I’ll kick his ass for being an idiot. Okay?” Regan touched Mel’s back. “I’m here no matter what happens, got it?”

  “Okay.” Mel knocked on the door before she could chicken out. “Thank you.”

  “It felt wonderful holding you this morning,” Regan murmured under her breath. She shot Mel a crooked smile.

  The quiet comment was just what she needed. She hooked her thumbs into the pockets of her jeans and grinned at the door. “Likewise.” After about ten seconds with no answer, she was ready to give up. “He’s not home.”

  “Mel, give it a—”

  Regan shut up at the sound of locks disengaging and masculine muttering from within the apartment.

  “Hold up, one second.”

  Mel sucked in a quiet breath. Mike. Before she had time to process the foreign familiarity of the voice, the door opened and she was face-to-face with a man who looked strangely like the boy she once knew. For a moment he just stared at her, and then his eyes went wide in a look of surprise so comical that she nearly laughed aloud. She saw his mind racing behind intense gray eyes that so resembled her own, and their mother’s, and she bit her lip in anticipation.

  “Hey, Mikey,” she said when he didn’t speak. “How’s it going?”

  “Laney?” His lip trembled for an instant, and his eyes shone with emotion. “Is it…you’re here?”

  “Um.” She spared a quick glance at Regan, who smiled up at her. “We were passing through Oklahoma and I thought I should look you up. Except I couldn’t find a phone number, so I hope you don’t mind us just dropping in on you—”

  “You look amazing.” Mike relaxed into a dazed grin, stepping forward to pull her into a tight hug. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  Mel blinked at the unfamiliar lean hardness of his body. “I can’t believe…Jesus, look at you!” She seized Mike by the shoulders. “You’re huge!”

  Mike gave her a bashful grin. “Well, I’m definitely not fourteen anymore.”

  “No, definitely not.” She lifted her hand, hesitated, and swept away a lock of hair that had fallen over his eyes. “You look wonderful, Mike. I can’t believe this handsome man in front of me.”

  “And you look just like Mom,” he said.

  Mel had to bite her lip to keep from sobbing at the softly spoken words. They meant more to her than she ever could have imagined. “Thank you.”

  “Except for this, of course,” Mike added. Smirking, he traced a thumb over the bruise on her cheekbone. “Should I ask how the other guy looks?”

  “Worse,” Regan supplied.

  Mel turned to gaze at Regan with fond eyes. After a silent moment, she wanted to slap herself. “God, I’m so rude. I’m sorry.” Mel reached out and took Regan’s hand. “This is my girlfriend, Regan.”

  Regan turned a beaming smile on her brother, offering her free hand. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mike.”

  “It’s great to meet you, too.”

  There was no disgust in his voice, no recrimination. Instead, his words rang with shy pleasure, and his eyes met Mel’s in unspoken approval. Mel exhaled, releasing tension she hadn’t realized she carried.

  “Speaking of rude.” Mike took a step back into the apartment and gave them an apologetic smile, gesturing with his arm. “Do you wanna come in?”

  “Sure,” Mel said. She felt shy, and she looked to Regan for reassurance.

  “Sounds great,” Regan echoed. As they followed Mike inside, she whispered, “Laney?”

  Mel gave her an admonishing smile. “Don’t even think about it.”

  The small apartment was relatively clean, though it was hard to tell because of the sheer amount of stuff crammed into every available space. Glass figurines, mostly of elephants, littered plain wooden shelves that lined the far wall. They caught Mel’s eye because she couldn’t imagine her brother was responsible for them.

  Mike looked over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow as he led them to a worn couch. “I’m not the collector,” he said. “I’m…staying with a friend right now.”

  Mel chuckled as she sat down, reaching up to tug Regan to the space beside her. “I was wondering.” She gave Mike a slow smile. “A girlfriend?”

  Mike sank down into an overstuffed easy chair. “Uh, it’s not really a girlfriend. It’s more like a place to crash.”

  “Ah.” Mel’s smile faded. She glanced at Regan, reaching out to rest her hand on her thigh. The joy of connection flared in her belly when green eyes met hers, and she turned back to Mike with a renewed smile.

  She could see that Mike’s attention was drawn to their point of contact—Mel’s hand on Regan’s thigh—and she had to fight the urge to squirm in discomfort under his scrutiny. She wondered how weird this was for her brother. Seeing her for the first time in seven years, and she was as gay as the day is long.

  Mike lifted curious eyes to her face. “I didn’t realize you’d fo
und someone special, Laney.”

  “Mel,” she corrected her brother. At his curious look, she explained, “I go by Mel now.” He shot her an apologetic grin. “I haven’t known Regan very long, but you’re right. She is very special.”

  “Well, I’m really glad for you,” Mike said. He dropped his eyes, raking his hand through his hair. “I really am.”

  “Thanks.” And like that, the dense ball of fear in her stomach began to dissipate. He wasn’t fourteen anymore. He didn’t hate her. She blinked as she remembered why she had come. “It’s been a while since you’ve called.”

  Mike gave her an embarrassed shrug. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “When I realized that your number was disconnected, I was hoping you’d call and give me a new one,” Mel said. She kept her voice low, non-threatening, but she knew Mike could read the anxiety in her tone when his eyes filled with self-criticism and he twisted his hands in his lap. She flinched at the sight of familiar emotion flashing in her brother’s eyes.

  “I really am sorry, Laney. It was a shitty thing to do.” Mike raised his hand to hold off her protest. “For a while I was moving around a lot, then when I moved in with Dani, I kept meaning to call you, but—”

  She gave him an encouraging nod. “But what?”

  Mike looked uncomfortable. “But the truth is that I didn’t know what to say to you. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

  “Disappointed in you? Why? What’s going on?”

  Mike shrugged before answering. “Not much.”

  Mel felt her stomach flip-flop at the vague answer. “What does that mean?”

  Mike shot Regan a self-conscious look. “I, uh…I quit going to school.”

  “Oh, Mike,” Mel murmured. Her disappointment rang clear and her brother tensed when he heard it.

  “Yeah, well, I never was any good at school, you know that.” He looked down at his hands, picking at his cuticles nervously. “I was sick of it. I’m not like you.”