Infinite Loop

by Meghan O'Brien

  “And he was right,” Regan murmured. “It is easier at college. I’m glad you had someone to tell you that. I could have used the reminder, once or twice, myself.”

  A dark memory of high school crept into her mind. She had never found the courage to tell anyone this story before, and even now, even with Mel, she hesitated. But I want her to understand me. “I don’t know why the kids at school decided that I was a lesbian. Maybe it was just because I was different and it was something easy to call me. Maybe they saw something I was only just beginning to see.” Regan burrowed deeper into Mel’s embrace.

  “When did it start?” Mel asked.

  “Sophomore year. The end of the year, thank God,” Regan said. “The other girls never paid a lot of attention to me before that started, but once I was labeled ‘dyke’ it got pretty bad with them.”

  Regan closed her eyes, seeing Nicole Bergman’s look of disgust almost as if it had happened yesterday.

  “Are you looking at me, dyke?”

  Regan’s gaze was in fact fixed on her own sock-covered feet as she retied her shoes after gym class. She never lifted her eyes from the floor when her classmates were changing in the locker room; she was terrified of being accused of what Nicole now implied.

  Regan stayed quiet, pretending like Nicole hadn’t been talking to her.

  “Yeah, you, Regan. Were you looking at my breasts?”

  Regan knew her face was beet red, as if she were guilty. Her tongue felt thick and useless in her mouth, unable to form even a weak defense.

  “I don’t think they should let lesbians change with the rest of us. Do you, Nicole?”

  Regan recognized Julie’s voice and suppressed a shudder. She stood up, facing her locker, and fumbled with her backpack. She had to get out of there.

  “Especially not the ugly ones,” Nicole said, laughing. “Regan, who said we wanted you in here with us?”

  Regan turned, ready to flee from the locker room. But Nicole and three groupies were standing in a semi-circle around her. They were all dressed now, though all four never hesitated to walk around barely-clad most of the time.

  “Maybe I should tell Mr. Schultz about you,” Nicole said. “That you’re a fucking pervert.”

  Regan gasped at the idea of Nicole going to the principal and telling him anything. He would call her parents.

  Randa, a willowy brunette, gave Regan a cruel grin. “I’ll tell him, too. That you were hitting on Nicole.”

  “Yeah,” Jamie piped up. “I think you need to learn to keep your eyes…” she looked around at her friends, smiling wide, “…and your hands…to yourself.”

  Regan felt a droplet of sweat travel down her side beneath her T-shirt. She felt sick to her stomach, frozen in terror. She opened her mouth in an effort to voice her defense, but she couldn’t make a sound. She watched two of her more quiet classmates slip out of the locker room behind her group of tormenters.

  Nicole leaned toward Regan, giving her a disdainful once over. “Do you really think any girl would want—”

  The locker room door banged open behind Nicole, stopping her words and drawing her attention over her shoulder. Regan nearly wept in relief at the sight of her gym teacher stalking into the room.

  “What’s going on here?”

  “Nothing, Ms. White,” Nicole answered. She looked back to Regan with hard eyes, and then took a step back away from her. “We were just getting ready to go to our next class.”

  “Regan?” The stocky gym teacher stopped next to the row of lockers, settling her hands on her hips.

  Regan ducked her head, fighting not to let her tears spill over. She could feel silent menace radiating from the four girls that still stood near her.

  “I’m fine,” Regan said. “I was just leaving, too.” She didn’t look up.

  “Regan, I need to see you in my office. You other girls, get going, why don’t you?”

  A chorus of “Yes, Ms. White” followed Regan’s classmates out the door. Regan remained standing where she was, shamed eyes pinned to the floor. She was shaking now that the threat was gone and the tears she’d tried so hard to suppress were rolling down her cheeks.

  “Come on, Regan,” Ms. White said. She didn’t approach, but took a step away from the lockers. “Let’s get you a glass of water before you get back to class.”

  “And the worst part of all,” Mel said after Regan stopped talking, “is that I’m sure you didn’t have the slightest interest in any of them.”

  Regan snorted. “Of course not. They were stupid.” She paused a moment, and then said, “You know, I’d bet you anything that Ms. White was a dyke. She didn’t say much to me. Just had me drink that glass of water then sent me back to class. I went home instead.”

  “Your parents didn’t notice any of this? You couldn’t have been acting very happy at home.”

  “Maybe it was my fault,” Regan admitted. “I kept myself pretty distant from them. I couldn’t stand for them to know what was happening. How could I go to them and tell them that girls were accusing me of trying to touch them…or look at them?” She shook her head, burying her face in Mel’s neck. “I couldn’t. I stayed in my room and played with my computers and video games and prayed that I’d be an adult soon, so I could go live by myself and maybe find other people like me.”

  “I love you,” Mel said.

  Simple, but it meant so much.

  Regan lifted her head and smiled at her lover. “I didn’t tell you all that for sympathy, you know. I told you because I want you to understand me. Everything about me.”

  “I know. It’s the same reason I want to tell you everything. It’s so comforting to have someone who knows you. At first it seemed scary, but now that I know this is real, I like it.”

  “So do I. I never dreamed I would ever meet someone who would really know me or understand me.” She reached over and traced the lines of Mel’s face. “I feel like you complete me.”

  “Me, too.” Mel closed her eyes, a lazy, crooked smile on her face.

  Regan’s heart raced in her chest and breathing felt like an effort with the all-consuming love she felt in that moment. She moved her fingers down to Mel’s chin and her throat, and then further to rub circles on Mel’s stomach. After only a moment she worked her way beneath Mel’s T-shirt, tickling the soft skin of her belly.

  Mel gasped in surprise. “Regan—”

  Regan cut her off with a soft shushing noise. “We’re all alone out here, sweetheart. Let me make you feel good.”

  She unbuttoned then unzipped Mel’s blue jeans, enjoying the way Mel’s eyes grew hooded and her breathing went ragged. She slipped her hand inside Mel’s boxer briefs, grinning as her lover’s long legs parted in anticipation.

  Regan dragged her eyes down to stare at her arm as she found Mel’s wet heat. Her pale skin looked even creamier in contrast with the copper color of Mel’s belly. Her attention jerked back to Mel’s face when her lover hissed in pleasure at the first contact of Regan’s hand with her center.

  “I love watching myself touch you,” Regan said. She brought her mouth closer to Mel’s ear, dropping a soft kiss on the lobe. She looked down Mel’s body again, watching in rapt fascination as her hand moved inside Mel’s jeans.

  Mel groaned, fanning Regan’s desire. “Watch me,” Regan whispered, nodding at her hand.

  Mel did as she was told.

  *

  Mel lay staring up at the blue sky and thick branches above them, and cradled Regan in her arms. Her lover’s auburn head rested heavily on her chest, her breathing deep and even, and Mel wondered if she had dozed off.

  Regan let out a sudden giggle, answering Mel’s unspoken question.

  “What do you sound so self-satisfied about?” Mel teased. She gazed down at Regan with heavy-lidded eyes.

  Regan lifted her head from Mel’s chest and shot her a dazzling smile, then lay back with her head next to Mel’s. She pointed up at the sky at a cluster of fluffy white clouds to their right. “I was just th
inking that that cloud right there looks remarkably like you do when you come.”

  “What?” Mel asked. “Beautiful and tranquil?”

  “Nah. I was thinking more along the lines of goofy. It’s kind of a goofy cloud.” Gesturing at the sky again, she asked, “Don’t you agree? Goofy like you?”

  Mel rolled onto her side and propped her head up with her hand. “Goofy?” She reached out and tickled Regan’s stomach. Regan curled her body around Mel’s hand, convulsing with laughter. “You’re saying I look goofy when I come?”

  “I-I—” Regan sputtered, shaking with laughter. “I…no, it’s—”

  Mel moved on to torment her lover’s hips, belly, and thighs with tickling fingers. “How will I ever be able to come again without feeling self-conscious?”

  Regan squirmed, braying and bucking, howling up at the sky. “Oh,” she managed. “I don’t really…think you’re…going to have any p-problems, do you?”

  “You do realize that it’s probably going to take a lot of therapy before I feel comfortable again, right?” Mel crawled on top of Regan, pinning her hands above her head, and lowered her face to within inches of her lover’s. “You may have just screwed me up forever, you know.”

  Tears streamed down Regan’s red-cheeked face. Her mouth hung open, gasping uncontrolled laughter. Mel transferred Regan’s left hand to her right, holding both slim wrists down so she could continue to tickle the squirming, shrieking woman with her free hand.

  “I’m sorry, baby!” Regan yelped. “I didn’t mean it! I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

  Mel could barely understand the words through the hysterical giggles.

  “Let me go! I’ll be nice, I swear!”

  Mel kept up the casual tickling, holding the writhing body beneath her with negligent ease. “I don’t know,” she said with a yawn. “It just doesn’t sound sincere to me.”

  “No fair!” Regan howled. “You’re too strong!” She bucked beneath Mel in an attempt to wriggle free.

  Mel chuckled and relented, allowing Regan to tear her wrists out of her grasp and wrap her arms around her middle in a fierce bear hug. “You’re telling me you’re just a helpless, delicate little flower?” Mel guffawed out loud when Regan attempted to forcibly roll them over.

  Mel allowed the little powerhouse to reverse their positions and straddle her thighs with a triumphant growl. Regan grabbed Mel’s wrists and slammed them to the ground above her head.

  After a moment of holding Mel down, her smug grin faded. “Are you letting me win?”

  Mel gave her an indulgent smile.

  With a crestfallen expression, she released Mel’s wrists and sat back to fold her arms over her chest. “You were, weren’t you?”

  “No, honey.” Mel dissolved into helpless chuckles. “That little maneuver was a product of your sheer indomitable will. I swear it.”

  Regan arched an eyebrow in warning. “You’re making fun of me?”

  “No.” Mel’s laughter intensified, and she felt weak and desperate to stop the delicious torment of Regan’s weight across her hips and the helpless convulsing of her body. “No, no, no. Never.” She brought a limp hand down from above her head to wipe away the tears that had leaked from her eyes. “I’m just the goofy one, remember? Don’t mind me.”

  Regan’s lips quirked into a reluctant grin, and she lowered her upper body on hands planted beside Mel’s head, coming to a stop only inches away from her face. “You know I was lying, right?”

  Mel swallowed and looked up into sparkling green eyes. “Lying?”

  “The last word I’d describe how you look when you come, baby, is goofy. You make me wet, you look so beautiful.”

  Mel’s hands came to rest on Regan’s hips as she listened to the softly spoken words, and she shivered at the feeling of warm breath caressing her ear. “Kiss me,” she whispered into the mouth that was already descending upon her own.

  Squeezing soft hips, pulling Regan into her again and again, Mel lost herself in the tenderness of their embrace until Regan broke the kiss with a regretful sigh. She sat back up to straddle Mel’s hips.

  Mel grinned up at Regan and ran her hands down her upper thighs. “God,” she breathed. “I guess I’m glad I let you win.”

  Regan gave her a playful glare. “I’m going to let that one go. But only because I’m too exhausted to manhandle you anymore.”

  Mel leered and waggled her eyebrows. “That doesn’t sound good. We don’t want that to happen.”

  “I won’t let it go for long.”

  “Good.”

  “That’s what you think,” Regan said, then leaned over to wrap Mel in a tight hug. “I have so much fun with you.”

  “Me, too,” Mel said, beaming.

  “I love this T-shirt, by the way.” Regan drew a line down the center of Mel’s chest with one finger, over the green cotton of Mel’s souvenir from Denver.

  “Thanks.” Mel grinned, looking down at her chest. “So do I.”

  A hand-drawn caricature of a girl with medium-length hair and a pair of black-framed glasses was printed in the center of the shirt. When she had first seen it, the drawing had so reminded her of Regan she knew she had to buy it. The slogan printed at the top had sealed the deal.

  “‘Nerdy Girls Make Me Hot,’ “ Mel read, then looked up into Regan’s laughing eyes. “It’s true, you know.”

  “It better be,” Regan said. “I’m just glad that my e-mail addiction led us to that Internet café.”

  “Me, too,” Mel said. She’d not only gotten the T-shirt, but also a lot of good ideas for tattoos. The Internet really was a wonderful thing.

  “We should get going soon, shouldn’t we?”

  Mel glanced past Regan to the late afternoon sun. “Probably,” she admitted. Still thinking about tattoos, she asked, “What’s the plan for the next couple days?”

  Regan twisted her lips into a bittersweet smile. “I figure we’ve got about two days of driving left. We can stretch it out for three if we’d like.” She reached up and played with Mel’s collar. “We’ll probably hit Des Moines tomorrow. Chicago not too long after that.”

  A little distraught about the idea that their road trip would soon end, Mel seized upon an idea to stretch it out. “Your parents live in Chicago, right?”

  Regan rolled off Mel’s hips with a sigh. Mel frowned and propped herself up on her elbows.

  “Yes. Just outside of Chicago.”

  “Do you want to stop and see them? We have time, I mean…” Mel trailed off at Regan’s wary gaze, and took a breath before she lost the nerve to conclude her thought. “And I’ll bet you haven’t seen them in a while, right? They’d probably really enjoy it.”

  Regan exhaled tiredly, and Mel frowned at her obvious hesitation.

  “They’re not as horrible as I make them out to be, honestly,” Regan said. “I just feel so awkward around them sometimes. Like a whole part of who I am becomes invisible, you know?”

  “I know. But they’re still your parents. And they would be thrilled to see you, wouldn’t they?”

  “Probably,” Regan admitted. “Goddamn it.” She picked at the blanket with absent fingers for a moment before looking up at Mel with thoughtful eyes. “You know, I’ve never brought anyone home before.”

  “They never met Sarah?” Mel asked. All of a sudden, she wondered what she’d gotten herself into.

  “They met her when they came to see me up at school. They thought we were just friends at the time and we broke up shortly after I came out to them. So you’ll be the first.” Regan gave Mel a brief, knowing look. “You think you’re up for that?”

  Well, it had to happen at some point. “No time like the present.” Mel forced confidence she didn’t quite feel into her voice. “How did they react when you came out?”

  Regan shrugged. “It actually wasn’t that big a deal. My mom cried a little bit, but I think part of it was knowing that I trusted her enough to tell her.” She cast shamed eyes to the blanket. “We n
ever talked much.”

  “How about your dad?”

  “He didn’t say much at all. I think he was uncomfortable. Overall, I think they both chalked it up to just one more thing they didn’t understand—or want to understand, really—about me.”

  “But they’re cool?” Mel asked.

  Regan shrugged again. “We’ve never really talked about it since I came out to them. We dance around it. They never ask me about my love life.”

  “So how do you think they’ll react to your bringing home a girlfriend?”

  “I’m not sure,” Regan admitted with a small grin. “But now I’m a bit curious.”

  “That whole confounding your parents thing?” Mel asked.

  Regan shook her head, giving Mel a shy smile. “A little,” she said. “But it’s mostly that you’re pretty important to me and if I plan on keeping you around, I should probably introduce you to the family. Tradition and all.”

  “I really hope they like me.”

  Regan gave her a half-smile, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Mel’s cheek. “They will,” she murmured. “You’re perfect.”

  Mel rolled skeptical eyes and opened her mouth to protest, then snapped it shut when Regan reached over to grip her chin with a gentle hand.

  “Perfect for me,” Regan said. A beat, long enough for the words to suffuse Mel with a warm glow, and Regan added, “Am I right?”

  Mel gazed into green eyes, utterly at peace with the question and only mildly surprised with her certainty at the answer. I’ll never feel totally worthy of the love I feel from her and I’ll never understand how I got so lucky as to find her, but I know…I belong to her. I belong with her. Nothing is more right in this world than the two of us together.

  “You’re right.” Mel lifted a hand to trace Regan’s jaw with the barest of pressure. “And you’re perfect for me, too.”

  Blushing, Regan shot her a goofy grin. “We’re a couple of sappy, lovesick fools, aren’t we?”