What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  Will nods, his head bowed. Her eyes open wide, stunned. His words are an arrow straight through her heart.

  “What about me, Will? What about my heart? What about hurting me?” Tears spring into her eyes, and she rests her head on her knees.

  He leans in to hug her and she jumps at his touch, pushing him away. Julia closes her eyes, trying to figure out what to do. I love him, her heart reminds her. Does she want to throw what they have away?

  She believes Will when he says nothing happened between them, despite Avery’s best efforts she’s sure. He can be so completely oblivious sometimes. He wants to believe the best in people and thinks he can help Avery.

  Julia knew this wasn’t over. She knew it! The way she sees it, she has two choices, sit back and let Avery destroy them, or confront the viper, face to face. Maybe it’s time to find out what Avery’s thinking for herself.

  “I want you to invite her over for drinks. This week. And I want you gone. Just me and Avery.”

  “Alone?” Will blinks in astonishment, “I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

  “I want to talk to her myself,” Julia rises, standing over him. “And I’m telling you now Will, if you don’t agree to this I don’t want to see you again. Do you understand that? You lied to me.”

  “I don’t want to lose you, Julia.” His face is pained and her chin begins to tremble.

  “You’ve put her feelings ahead of mine for the past three months. Now it’s time for you to put mine ahead of hers.”

  “Okay. I’ll do it. Anything.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Julia watches from the library window, as Avery pulls up to Will’s house in her black Mercedes. Black. The color of her soul. Avery exits her car, tossing her blond hair over her shoulder and pulls her fur coat tightly around her. She’s wearing a dress or skirt, hard to tell yet, and heels. Where does she think she’s going? A gala?

  Julia’s wearing a soft, fitted cream cashmere sweater she found at a consignment store, worn bootleg jeans and her bitch kicking ankle boots. She figures she’s going to need them.

  “Are you sure about this?” Will walks up behind her, “You want me to leave you here alone with her?”

  She turns to him and nods, wraps her arms around his waist and holds him tightly. She has to do this. Avery needs to be put in her place.

  They’ve been back in Washington for two days. Since Christmas, they’ve come to a détente of sorts. She conditionally forgives Will for keeping this from her but he has to tell Avery to stay away and she knows he’s dreading it.

  “Julia it’s so good to see you again. I’m sorry if there was some misunderstanding the last time we saw each other.”

  “Yes, well that’s all water under the bridge now, isn’t it Avery?” Julia smiles. This is all a show for Will. He won’t leave if he thinks she’s upset.

  “I’ve been looking forward to getting to know you. Will’s said so many wonderful things about you.”

  “Has he?” Julia kisses Will’s cheek, “Thanks babe. I think it’s time for you to go. See you in an hour.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you soon.” Will pulls on his coat, stands between them, and hesitates. Kissing Julia, he whispers, “You’re sure?”

  She nods her head and he reluctantly leaves them alone.

  “How do you like how his place is coming along?” Avery asks the moment Will closes the door behind him. “We found this couch at Sabun House here in Georgetown. And this rug, I love this rug. I saw it at Cady’s Alley and fell in love with it. I called Will and told him to meet me right away. I was so excited when he bought it. Doesn’t it look perfect with the other furniture we’ve picked out together?”

  The bitch didn’t waste any time! Julia won’t give Avery the satisfaction of showing any emotion.

  “Let’s cut through the bullshit, Avery. What are you hoping to accomplish here?”

  Avery stops at the sofa table where Julia has a bottle of wine and three glasses waiting.

  “May I?” Julia nods curtly and Avery pours herself a glass of wine. “We found these glasses at Cartier. Love them.” She holds one up to the light, then looks at Julia, “I thought I made myself clear the first time we met.”

  “I see. So you’re just waiting for an opportunity to pounce,” Julia pours herself a glass of wine. “Is that it?”

  “Julia, he’ll realize you two aren’t suited for each other on his own.” Avery picks up a photograph of his family, “I don’t need to do a thing. You can’t share a life with him. You don’t fit into his life. And you know you don’t.”

  “Wow, Avery. You certainly are confident…or delusional. It’s hard to tell the difference, they look so similar,” Julia takes another sip of wine…God, I hate this woman! “Will and I have created our own life. Together.”

  “You only think you have,” Avery chuckles, “You’re Will’s last fling before he’s ready to settle down. He’s experimenting. I’ve seen it happen with every guy I know. You’ll see. Women like you don’t end up with men like Will.” She turns to face Julia, “You know I’m right.”

  Avery takes a seat on the blue armchair, runs her hand over the fabric, smiling to herself. Julia’s lightheaded, and feels the heat rising from her neck to her cheeks.

  “Think about it Julia, what could you possibly offer him? Men like Will need someone who can help them advance their position. You would only hold him back.”

  She knows Avery’s trying to get under her skin… and it’s working.

  “Avery…I can offer him something you never will.”

  “And what’s that Julia?” Avery raises an eyebrow, sardonically.

  “Love.”

  “And what makes you think you have the monopoly on that?” Avery’s face turns pink, “You think I don’t love him? Why do you think I’m here? I’ve always loved him. I’ve loved him enough to give him his space when he needed it, and I love him enough to save him from his own folly.”

  “That’s so sad, Avery. To love someone all of these years, who doesn’t love you back.” Julia’s face reflects pity but she her throat is closing, threatening to choke her. “No. What you feel isn’t love, it’s entitlement. You want something you can’t have, but think you deserve. That’s not the way it works. Right now Will feels sorry for you, but he’ll see through you. Eventually, he’ll see right through you’re little act. And I’ll give it to you, you’re a hell of an actress.”

  “Oh, Jules, call it whatever you like, but my little act, will take me right to the altar. I hear wedding bells in our future.”

  “If that happens Ave,” Julia stands toe to toe with her nemesis, “You two deserve each other.”

  ***

  This has been one of the longest and most stressful hours of Will’s life. He’s driven around town aimlessly, praying they’re able to resolve their differences so he won’t need to have that discussion with Avery.

  Julia’s been distant with him over the past few days, not that he blames her. She said she understands his intentions were good, and reminded him “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” He heard that expression a lot growing up.

  Ellie called him this afternoon and was more direct. She told him to “grow a pair.”

  If it comes down to it, if he has to choose, the choice is clear. If the only way to keep Julia is to stay away from Avery then it’s done…as much as he’s dreading that conversation.

  Exactly one hour later, he turns the corner onto his street and Avery’s car is gone. This can’t be good. He just assumed Avery would be here when he got back. They didn’t make a plan. Julia was going to talk to her… then what? Will parks his car in the garage and comes in through the back door.

  “Julia?”

  He finds her standing near the couch, drinking a glass of wine, her face strained.

  “Babe, what happened?”

  Julia refills her glass and pours one for him, stands near the fireplace and takes a huge gulp.

  “Oh, me and Ave, t
hat’s my nickname for my new best friend, we had a good talk.” Julia takes another big gulp of wine.

  Shit. This is worse than he thought. He knew he shouldn’t have left them alone.

  “Let’s see if I can summarize. Basically she thinks we’ll self-destruct, so she doesn’t need to do anything but wait. Eventually, you’ll be rid of me and run straight into her arms because I’m not good enough for you. That’s it in a nutshell.” Julia drinks the rest of her wine in one swig.

  “So there you go! Invite her over for dinner and a movie, because fuck it! I’ll be gone sooner or later. You two can be best buddies in the meantime.”

  “Julia, that’s ridiculous. Honey, come sit down.”

  “You know what?” Julia stares at the couch, “I think we should fuck right here on the couch the two of you picked out together.” He winces at her words. “Or on the rug she bought with you. That’s all I’m good for, right? A good fuck? Guys like you always go back to their own kind.” She opens another bottle of wine.

  “Julia. You’re talking crazy. Please.”

  He’s paralyzed. He’s never seen Julia like this.

  “No, Will, I want another drink in the fucking wine glasses Avery picked out!” Julia hurls the glass into the fireplace, obliterating it. “Did you two register somewhere? Let’s save everyone the time and go buy the shit right now!”

  Julia lays on the floor in front of the fire and stares at the ceiling.

  “Oh, God, the room’s spinning.” She closes her eyes, pressing her hands against the floor. “Are you just wasting time until something better comes along?” Julia whispers, “Is that what this is, Will?” She curls her body into a ball, tears streaming down her face.

  “Julia, she’s wrong.” He sits on the floor beside her, afraid to touch her. Her pain is tangible, and he wants to make it better, but doesn’t know how. “I love you, Jules. Please, never doubt that. I want us to be together, always.”

  Watching her suffer, he’s filled with rage. What the hell did Avery say to her? Every time she stopped by she seemed genuinely respectful of his relationship with Julia. She may have flirted a little, but she never made any moves on him. He thought she understood the situation, but apparently he was wrong.

  He’ll deal with Avery tomorrow. Right now Julia needs him.

  “Jules, I’m going to pick you up and get you away from all of this broken glass, okay?” She’s remains silent. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  He brushes the glass away from her with a throw pillow, lifts her into his arms and looks around the living room.

  Avery did pick out everything in here. Why did I let her do that?

  It seemed harmless enough at the time. He needed furniture and it gave them something to talk about and seemed to make her happy. But this isn’t Avery’s home. It’s his home, and Julia’s home. His stomach turns thinking about the mess he’s made of everything.

  He can’t stay in this room. Will carries Julia up to their bedroom, the only room Avery hasn’t touched.

  “That vulture…she’s swooping in...” Julia mumbles, “Too weak...you can’t stop her…”

  “Shhh, Jules. Don’t do this.”

  Julia passes out and he gently lays her down on the bed, covering her with a blanket. What have I done to her? Will lies down beside her, brushing her hair away from her face.

  “Julia, I’m so sorry…” he whispers.

  ***

  Oh my god. Julia winces, her head throbbing. She can’t focus her eyes and a wave of nausea washes over her. Pushing away the comforter, she runs to the bathroom and grips the toilet, emptying her stomach. Will sits beside her, rubbing her back.

  “That’s right, get it all out.”

  She retches until there’s nothing left, and collapses on the cool tile floor. Will carries her back to bed, propping her up against him and lays a cold washcloth on her forehead, then helps her take a sip of water.

  Julia can’t think. What happened? She looks around the room confused, then looks at Will and is flooded with memories of Avery and the horrible things she said the night before.

  Women like you don’t end up with men like Will…

  “Leave me alone.” She slumps down on the bed and turns away from Will.

  “No, Julia. I won’t leave you alone. If you don’t want me to touch you, I won’t. But I’m not leaving you,” Will says holding back tears, “I love you, Jules. Tell me what to do, please.”

  She hears him, but can’t speak. The pain is unbearable. Is this what my mother endured for a full year? No wonder she wanted to drink away the pain. Her father ripped her heart out and she was in agony.

  But Will isn’t gone. He’s right here holding her, trying to soothe her. Will is not my father. She’s not alone in this bed. Julia turns toward him and wraps her arms around his chest.

  “Make her go away. Please…” she whispers, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “I’ll tell her to go away. I promise.”

  Chapter Twelve

  The past four months have been grueling for Julia. Her internship at The Cloisters Museum was amazing, challenging, and exhausting, but worth it. They’ve offered her a job as an Associate Curator and as much as she loves it there, she’s declined.

  Julia wants to move to DC to be with Will and she has an interview at the Smithsonian the week following graduation. The Smithsonian! Working there would be a dream come true.

  Only three more weeks to go.

  After that horrible night with Avery, Will kept his word and told that woman to stay away. He asked her back the following evening and Julia listened from the next room. Will was surprisingly direct. He said he felt bad about her troubles, but he never wanted to see or hear from her again.

  Avery left without a word, however, within a month she was back at it, calling and dropping by his place regularly. Will’s forced to screen his phone calls and check who’s at the door before he answers. She thinks he should get a restraining order…there’s something wrong with that woman.

  Julia’s tried to forget what Avery said that night, but it lingers in the back of her mind. She wasn’t entirely wrong. Julia doesn’t fit into the life Will once had, but that’s not the life he’s living now. It’s not the life he wants to ever live again, or so he says.

  Avery definitely touched on a nerve, sparking intense feelings of insecurity, an emotion she’s tried to quell since. Is she holding Will back because of her tribe? Would he be better off with one of his own kind? Someone with powerful connections? She’s pretty sure her Uncle Vinny’s mafia ties don’t qualify. What if Will comes to resent her?

  Julia’s spent a lot of time mulling this over, and has talked to Will about his hopes for the future. It’s so important they both understand what they’re getting into. We’ll be living together! They’re basically agreeing to share their lives…without official documentation.

  He doesn’t have great career aspirations, other than to make his father proud. She’s far more ambitious than Will, maybe because she’s always known she’d have to work hard for what she wants in life. He’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter. His trust fund ensures his financial future, whether he works or not. Julia doesn’t have that luxury.

  So her question is…What would make Mr. Kennedy proud?

  Unlike so many of his peers, Will’s parents don’t see marriage as a financial or power merger, probably because his dad comes from a background similar to her own parents. She doesn’t see them as an obstacle, they’ve embraced her from the beginning.

  She doesn’t know what to do with these feelings of insecurity. Every once in a while she has a panic attack, convinced he’ll leave her for one of his people. She doesn’t doubt Will’s feelings for her… but can those feelings be sustained, long term, in the real world?

  He’s been coming to New York almost every weekend, and with her workload, it’s been difficult on them both. This was an important semester and she’s given her internship and her course work her ful
l attention.

  All weekend, she writes papers, or studies and Will spends a lot of time alone, either reading on the couch or walking around the city. They knew it would be hard but actually living through it has been much more difficult than either of them expected.

  Julia’s supposed to go to Washington this weekend, her first visit since January, and she’s dreading it. She doesn’t want to spend time at the townhouse, even if Will’s in it. She told him she couldn’t live there, that she wants them to find a place of their own, and he’s agreed. They’ll look for a new place when she moves down to Washington after graduation.

  On the last day of her internship, several of her co-workers from The Cloisters ask to take her out for drinks to celebrate, and to try and convince her to take the position she was offered.

  Julia’s torn. Last weekend Will was visiting his parents and she didn’t see him. If she doesn’t go to Washington it’ll be the longest they’ve been apart since last summer. Her train leaves in three hours so she agrees to a drink, but insists they pick a bar near Penn Station.

  A half-hour before the train leaves, and several cocktails later, she calls Will.

  “Baby, I’m not going to make it tonight. I’ve been celebrating with my friends and I’m a little drunk. I don’t think I should travel. And I really need to work on a paper this weekend. Can you drive to New York tomorrow morning? Until finals are done it’s going to be tough to get out of town.”

  “Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow around noon,” he sighs, “I love you.”

  “Always.”

  ***

  Will hangs up the phone, depressed. The past few months have been really hard. Julia’s pulled away from him. He’s not sure if it’s the amount of pressure she’s under from school and the internship or because of what happened with Avery. She’s preoccupied and when they have sex, the way she looks at him sometimes… like she doesn’t know who he is.